The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CXXVII

This one's gonna be a roller coaster, folks. Prepare thyself.

Album Title:  Ultimate Christmas

Album Artist:  Frank Sinatra

Guys, this was a frivolous purchase for Yours Truly. I've already reviewed a Sinatra Christmas album (Episode 49, 12/14/18), which scored a '9' easily because, well, it's Frank f***ing Sinatra and he's basically what I imagine God would sound like if God could sing.

(I mean, I'm sure God can sing, but like he probably doesn't really do so very often - why would he need to?)

Anyway, this 2-LP album is basically a collection of Sinatra's best known and best-selling Christmas music. The previous Sinatra album I reviewed - A Jolly Christmas - was a twelve-song burst of Yuletide awesomeness, with almost non-existent filler material to speak of. This release expands the track list to twenty songs, spread out over four sides of heavy, 180-gram vinyl that plays quiet and flawlessly. I was pissed when I first became aware of this album's existence, because I knew that even though I already owned like many of the songs (which can also be found on A Jolly Christmas), I had to have those remaining tracks.

I think the easiest way to handle this release is by taking a look at those Holiday songs on here that are not on the other one, otherwise I'm just re-reviewing all the same shit I've already done before. That being said, let's take a look at the new tracks to check out:

Side 1

Track 1: 'White Christmas'

This is a great song. Not as great as Bing's classic version (the version, if we're being honest here), because I think Sinatra kinda hovers between 'swinging' Sinatra and 'crooning' Sinatra and doesn't know which version of himself to commit to. Preferably, considering how Bing's already locked up the 'crooning' angle with his version, it would've been bad-ass to hear Sinatra come out swinging (like he does on 'Jingle Bells,' for example.)

Side 2

Track 4: 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town.' Okay, here we get swinging Sinatra. Dude sounds fired up with just enough scotch to get him feisty, but not to the point where it effects his speech or singing. You can practically here the cigarette smoke billowing over the microphone. This may be the best version of this song I've ever heard.

Side 3

Track 1: 'An Old Fashioned Christmas.' This one wasn't my favorite. Frank sounds great, but it's really slow and the arrangement isn't the best - it's too sappy and his voice doesn't match the overly-sentimental tone of the music. I've never heard this song before, it's not what you would consider a 'Holiday staple' by any means, so, you know. . . that doesn't help.

Track 2: 'I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day.' Another slow one, but Frank does know to deliver on this one. On the previous track, it was more than obvious he was reading off a lyrics sheet. With this one, he belts it out as if he clearly knows every word to it already. And that translates, folks.

Track 3: 'The Little Drummer Boy.' A solid version of this song, done in the same vein as the famous Harry Simeone Chorale. Not as great as that version, but still - no complaints whatsoever. See:'White Christmas' above.

Track 4: 'Whatever Happened to Christmas.' This was clearly recorded later on in his career. The track is bloated and over-the-top, but Frank sounds tired and run down. He's still got the voice, but man. . . it's exhausted. Again, this song suffers from the voice and music not necessarily pairing up well, and it doesn't help that this isn't a familiar favorite you can draw upon for reference.

Track 5: 'The Twelve Days of Christmas.' Wanna hear Frank (barely) sing this long-ass, repetitive Holiday song with his kids ? What about switched up lyrics? Because I don't. They try and sweeten the deal with a collection of backup singers that sound as if they just walked off the set of a Tim Burton movie, but that just ends up making matters worse. This is probably the worst song on this entire album.

Side 4

Track 1: 'The Bells of Christmas/Greensleeves.' So here's another one with Frank bringing his kids back into the recording studio, along with the Tim Burton backup singers. They made up some lyrics to the tune of 'Greensleeves' and called it good.  It's not. If it was only Frank, and the arrangement wasn't soooo dramatic, it'd be far better.

Track 2: 'I Wouldn't Trade Christmas.' What is happening?? Another one with his f***ing kids?! He has a Rat Pack, for Christ's sake - tap into those guys. This song is a transparent move on his part to elevate the star status of his coattail-riding brats, and I'm not about this in the slightest.

Track 3: 'A Baby Just Like You.' Well, at least this one wasn't recorded on Bring Your Kids to Work day. This is a much later addition to his catalog, recorded about five years before I was born. You can tell, because Frank sounds half dead. He can still sing better than most mortal men, but Jesus - comparing this to some of the bangers on the first record is just cruel.

Track 4: 'Christmas Memories.' Another tired effort from '75. This song - and the one that preceded it aren't recognizable carols, nor do they have the charm, spark, whatever-you-want-to-call-it to be new Holiday favorites. These are just tired ass songs being sung by someone's grandfather (who probably gets laid waaaaay more than they do.) The backup singers sound as if they're singing a jingle from a shitty, old commercial off your local NBC affiliate channel back in the '70s. Kinda makes me want to go out and buy some Shake n' Vac.

So there you have it, gang. This wasn't the direction in which I was anticipating this album going but. . . here we are. The first record is practically flawless, so it'd be hard giving that anything below a '9.' The second record, though - damn. For me, that one's closer to a '5' or a '6,' so I think for this release, it's only fair to average the two together and cut our losses. 

(I'm sorry Frank, I truly am.)

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad (I'm disappointed in this one, simply because had they trimmed up the fat a little bit - by throwing the second record into a fire, perhaps - this would be a solid release. Go out and buy a copy of A Jolly Christmas instead, gang.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CXXII

Hey there. Let's jump into this one and, well, just see what we can wrap our heads around . .

Album Title:  A Christmas to Remember

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Right off the bat, I should let you guys know that this was one of the more difficult albums I've had to review for the Holidays. I first spotted it at Radio Wasteland in the dusty-as-all-hell Dollar Bin, and right away I thought this was going to be a total crap-fest, considering:

No, that's not The Band - it's The Christmas Boogie Band. Huge difference.

1.)  I didn't recognize a single artist on the track listing on the back of the sleeve, which is rarely a good sign. I mean, how hard is it really to book a C- or D-List artist for a Holiday record? How many absolute train wrecks have we seen over the years featuring abysmal 'talent' in their track listings? These dudes are always clamoring for spots on Christmas compilations like this, that's pretty much all they had once their mainstream careers began to dry up. 

2.)  The cover art is. . . something. You have Santa Claus, flying across a wintery landscape, like he's been known to do - directly in front of the moon like he's in E.T. or some shit. Down below on the ground is a herd of wild horses, watching on in what I can only assume is awe at the passing spectacle. Horses are skittish animals, guys, so this probably freaked them right the f*** out. Seeing a dude repeatedly cracking a whip across the backs of their quadruped cousins (are horses and reindeer distantly related?) as THEY FLY ACROSS THE SKY, IN CLEAR DEFIANCE OF GOD'S WILL.

Clearly whoever whipped this together was high as a damn kite.

But I digress. Let's get back to the point of this whole entry here, folks - let's analyze what this thing actually sounds like. 

Dropping the needle on Side A, we're met with some upbeat Tijuana-ish, South-of-the-Border jazz. As you all well know by now, this is most definitely my jam. I sat up, took notice, and was like, 'Oh damn, we might have a surprise keeper on our hands here!'

Remember this one, gang? Colored vinyl pressing of Christmas Disco for $12?

Then, right on its heels, came something different - a full-blown, Salsoul Orchestra-ish rendition of 'Jingle Bells.' Jarring, sure, considering it was preceded by a completely different sound, but not horrible: both were upbeat, fun instrumentals that one could definitely be entertained by, and they were done well (mixing, arrangement, performance - no complaints.) 

The next track also had some disco elements to it, but featured a male singer delivering some straight-up yacht rock vocals over the funkiness. 2015 Brian would not have cared for this in the slightest, but 2024 Brian, folks, is all here for the Yacht Rock.

I was hoping the trend would continue as Side A progressed, but the ol' bucket of ice water was dashed in my face pretty fast when the next track kicked off. A polka number. Heavy on the organ, no accordion to be found, so that it comes across more as a carnival ride soundtrack than an actual Polish take on Christmas. Definitely cringy, but all of these songs clock in under the 2-minute mark, so I was willing to take a point off and continue on my merry way. Fortunately, the next song is a return to Yacht Rock/Disco territory, which, while not my favorite sort of yuletide genre in the slightest, was at least following a discernible trend.

Magnum P.I. and Slenderman enjoy a sleigh ride on a magical winter's night. 

The last track on Side A, while not horrible, was a country/western instrumental done all on a quartet of guitars. And though out of place here (though the 'place,' by this point in time, is starting to get hard to keep track of), it was a decent little track. No, where everything falls of the rails in major fashion is upon flipping the record over on to Side B. . .

It's a piano-led orchestral number. Slow, serene, and it doesn't sound anything like Christmas music. It's like they pressed two different mini-albums onto one frickin' record. No more upbeat, fun music. No more Tijuana jazz, no more disco, no more yacht rock. Now it's time for introspection.

I had a bad feeling that this album was themed (I've reviewed albums in the past that were released like this), with one side the 'upbeat' Christmas music - the fun carols, etc. - and the other side the 'serious' Christmas music (you know, the 'Reason for the Season' and all that crap.)  

I hate it when albums do this.

Well, they definitely weren't kidding with the 'all the different ways you feel' crap.

My fears were well-founded, as it turns out. The next couple tracks were all filled with the usual, boring church bullshit: lots of organ, lots of hand bells, chimes, harpsichords, harmonicas (courtesy of a group called The Harmonicats - seriously, I guess that's a thing that exists), and - of course - swelling string sections. It was bad enough just as mere instrumental tracks, but by the third or fourth song in, they start rolling out the usual, overly-brash male vocals - because belting out religious carols makes it hit harder, I guess - and the standard, old-lady-warbling that you generally hear at a church service you're dragged to during the Holiday Season.

This whole album sounds like some mid-level record company executive asked his sound engineers what masters were lying around the label's studio that hadn't been previously released on prior Holiday compilations. The poor sound dudes, sighing deeply and shaking their heads, came out with a dusty cardboard box filled with a 13 reels of various songs (from all kinds of frickin' genres.) They informed this douchey superior of theirs that these reels were all that was left, but they were from various sessions over the years and there wasn't any continuity to speak of.

Then the executive, in his infinite wisdom, said 'screw it' and told them to mix them all up and have the shit pressed for release.

If it were possible to rate each side separately, I'd probably rate Side A a 6.5 (not that we condone the '0.5' system around here) and Side B a 4. But, because we are a society with f***ing rules, I can't do that, and as such, will be slapping one, big rating on the entire album as a whole.  And I'm not happy about it. At all.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh  (Almost good, but damn - this album does to 'compilations' what Michael Bay did to Transformers. It's so random that I want to prescribe it ADHD meds and get it in to therapy.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. C

*cue elaborate fanfare*

We did it, folks.  100 Episodes of the greatest Holiday Vinyl review series on the World Wide Web (I assume - I doubt there's another asshole out there doing this.)

Because this is a special event (of sorts), I decided to mix things up a little bit with this installment.  It felt like too much of an honor for any shitty, old Christmas album pulled out of a dollar bin at a local record store to be scrutinized on this 100th Episode.  So, instead, I decided to re-evaluate a few of the past installments that were deemed acceptable enough to remain in my collection, but are now getting donated.

Bottom line is I'm running out of room in my Christmas Music crate - some of these mediocre LPs needed to be liquidated in order to make room for new additions later on down the road.  And, odds are, we'll be having another one of these mass-execution episodes in a few years - I can't just keep buying records and keeping them.  Kris would kill me.

So, without further adieu, here's the list of those old relics that are being taken out to pasture:

Album Title:  Remembering Christmas with the Big Bands

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Featured On:  Ep. 2 (Nov. 23, 2015)

Rating:  6

This album wasn't terrible, per se, but in the seven years since I reviewed this one I haven't put it on the turntable to listen to once.  Not once.  Jazz is one of those genres where you have to be in the right mood for it, and when that rare mood arises during the Holiday season when I feel like listening to jazz, I usually gravitate towards the likes of the Vince Guaraldi Trio, Sinatra, or Bing.  Sorry, Glenn Miller and Co., but the ship has sailed for you guys.

I'm sure there are thousands of World War II vets rolling in their graves over this decision, but whatever.

Album Title:  Your Favorite Christmas Music, Volume 4

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Featured On:  Ep. 6 (Dec. 1, 2015)

Rating:  6

Another perfect example of 'this is okay, but I have other LPs that are better.'  This compilation from the good people over at Firestone (seriously, what the f***) is fine example of contemporary '50s/60s music that was all the rage back in the day, but was over-shadowed by the counter-culture surge of Rock and Roll and 'the negro music.'  Traditional artists doing larger-than-necessary renditions of Christmas classics.  I honestly can't believe I gave this one a '6' seven years ago - had I reviewed this today it would probably be a '4' or a '5,' but back then I was new-ish at analyzing Christmas albums and was a little nicer when giving out scores.  Now that I'm a grumpy old man, I realize that this sounds like so many other boring Holiday albums I've reviewed over the years, and it has no business being in my record collection.

Sorry, (Mary Poppins.)

Album Title:  Enchantment of Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Featured On:  Ep. 10 (Dec. 8, 2015)

Rating:  7

This one is actually pretty good, and I don't have anything negative to really say about it - it's a great compilation of 50s/60s Christmas music.  Unfortunately, this version is in that VG/G+ range in terms of sound quality: no skips or pops, but some definite surface noise, and if I'm going to hold on to a record I want to make sure I have a decent copy of it.  More than that, however, is the fact that I already have every, last one of these songs on a multi-record, boxed set that's in NM condition, so owning this LP is, honestly, kinda redundant. 

Album Title:  The Little Drummer Boy

Album Artist:  The Abbey Chorale

Featured On:  Ep. 17 (Dec. 20, 2015)

Rating:  6

This one I felt bad about getting rid of at first, but then I realized the error in my ways back in 2015.  See, when I first reviewed this one, I wrongly assumed that this version of 'The Little Drummer Boy' was the definitive one - the classic one from the 1950's that everyone knows.  I can't be faulted too much for that, because it sounds nearly identical, but the version I was thinking about was the famous rendition by The Harry Simeone Chorale (1958.)  That (better) version I already own on an existing Holiday compilation, so there's no reason for me owning an album such as this if the only reason I'm doing so is because of that song.  The rest of the album is okay - like I said before, it's churchy, but done well - but I've rarely listened to it in the years since reviewing it the first time.  

I don't get the need to listen to church music very often (if ever), so this one's getting pitched as well.

Album Title:  What if Mozart Wrote Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas?

Album Artist:  The Hampton String Quartet

Featured On:  Ep. 22 (Dec. 1, 2016)

Rating:  6

I love Classical music, and I love Christmas music, so this one should be a knock out of the park, but it just doesn't work for me.  I've actually listened to this one on occasion since hearing it for the first time back in 2016, and every time I do so I get bored with it.  It's a cool enough concept in theory, but the execution doesn't leave one with feeling the Yuletide vibes at all.  Most of the songs on here require active listening in order to identify a familiar Holiday melody, and that kinda dampens this one on the ol' Fun scale.

Album Title:  A Merry Christmas to You

Album Artist:  David Rose and His Orchestra

Featured On:  Ep. 71 (Dec. 8, 2020)

Rating:  6

This is a pretty solid instrumental album, and sounds like the orchestral, backing music to any one of the countless '50s compilations I've reviewed in the past.  It sounds like the sort of music Sinatra or Bing sang over, and it's mixed well - great background music for the Holiday season.  That being said, this copy is in pretty rough shape, and I have other instrumental albums that I gravitate more towards during the Holiday season.  Like I stated originally, there aren't a lot of highs and lows on this album to keep the listener engaged:  the medleys keep things from getting too boring, but a lot of it starts to sound the same after awhile.  All in all, I'd recommend it for sure if a.) you have a decent copy and b.) don't have anything else similar in your collection.

Album Title:  Christmas with The Canadian Brass and the Great Organ of St. Patrick's Cathedral

Album Artist:  The Canadian Brass

Featured On:  Ep. 90 (Dec. 15, 2021)

Rating:  6

How this LP still works is beyond me - it's not bad at all, but it's not necessarily great either.  It's just okay.  Like all of the other albums in today's post, there's not a lot to complain about, but there are better options in my collection, and I have to trim fat from somewhere.  I held on to this one because of the sheer balls of the brass section - it's not a sound you hear often on a Christmas album, so last year I deemed it was worth holding on to.  I would probably still be holding on to it if I hadn't just had my socks blown off a few days ago when reviewing this similar-but-better, brass-heavy Christmas album.

VERDICT:  n/a (We bid farewell to a few mediocre installments from the previous seven or eight years that were once deemed good enough to remain in Holiday Rotation, but shall now walk The Green Mile in order to make room for new additions in the coming years.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XCVIII

It's been a loooong time comin', folks, but I do believe we finally have ourselves a winner here with this one. . .

Album Title:  Winter Wonderland

Album Artist:  The Brass Band

Good God.  I almost didn't think we'd ever find ourselves back in the realm of 'decent' music again, as we've been trudging through the muck and mire of the usual 3 - 5 range for over a year now.  This one, for sure, came as a shocker - didn't think this would be the one to get us back on track.

I mean, I picked this up from Radio Wasteland earlier in the year with zero expectations.  Campy '60s album cover art, generic title and track listing, no back information on the band or production to speak of, the subtle mention of 'brass,' etc. I assumed this was going to be just another offering of louder-than-needed brass, playing traditional Christmas songs.  Maybe I'd write up something witty about the fact that the lady on the album cover looks like she dipped her hand in wet cement and the cheap album art people tried to pass it off as 'snow.'  You know, that old trope. 

Now, when it comes to '60s instrumental albums (such as this one), I've found that 'brass' can mean one of four things:  traditional marches, Dixieland jazz, Tijuana jazz, or polka.

This one, believe it or not, is all four combined.  

Not only that, dear readers, but most of the time these musicians are switching back and forth between styles multiples times within the same song.  Sometimes a part of song comes across like Tijuana/Herb Alpert-ish Latin brass, but then other times it ditches everything South of the Border and instead makes a beeline straight for the whorehouses of 'Nawlins for some good ol' fashioned Dixieland jazz.  Then, next thing you know, there's a marimba trill, the tempo slows, and suddenly the Latin vibe kicks right back up again.  All within the same song.

It shouldn't work - from a musical standpoint, this is suicide - but holy shit, guys.  This one has restored my faith in humanity.

So, taking a closer look at the sound of this release, this album is definitely your stereotypical, full-band, '60s instrumental, featuring accents of the usual marimbas, surf guitar, bongos, etc.  But first and foremost, of course is the big, ballsy brass band, which takes front and center stage as it ducks-and-weaves through marches, polkas, sambas, tangos, cha-cha, you name it.  

What's crazy is that this album is so good I tried to find out who exactly did the recording of this album so I could add the album to one of my Amazon 'Holiday' playlists.  Sadly, there's no information on the back of the album to speak of - just a listing of other Holiday offerings from some obscure, likely-out-of-business record company.  Wikipedia had nothing on them (Gene Riley'd once again, folks), but neither did Google: all I found was a random Youtube video playing the album with the cover art as the video image, with the caption 'Forgotten LPs.'

Not a good sign.

Sadly, there are only ten short tracks on this offering, and each of the songs is somewhat short, which means this is a fast listen.  In other bad news, I'm going to have to get another copy of this pressing off of Discogs, because there's a pop on Track 1 of Side B of my copy that lasts about five or six seconds, juuuust enough to piss me off.  And something as unique as this LP requires a silent pressing, guys - something Near Mint, for sure.  Fortunately I was able to find a suitable copy easily enough (for $2.99 plus $6 shipping, if that tells you anything), so that problem will be remedied soon.

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome (The long-awaited Sleeper Hit of the season, coming out of left-field armed with an unknown 'Brass Band' that doesn't care in the slightest what kind of music you wanted to listen to before, you're gonna listen to what they're gonna play now and you're gonna like it.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XLIX

Happy Holidays, America.  We're gonna delve into a classic today. . .

Album Title:  A Jolly Christmas

Album Artist:  Frank Sinatra

What the hell can you say about Frank Sinatra?  He's probably the coolest man that has ever existed, and I guarantee your grandmother has fantasized about him.

Perhaps that's a bit too much for the Christmas season, but. . . yeah, she probably has.

Sinatra is a legend in his own right, and every male singer for decades had to perform in his shadow.  His extensive catalog of Christmas songs - such as the ones collected on this repressing - are so ingrained in popular culture that even without ever owning this album before, I knew all of the songs on here.  All of them.  That's impressive.

This is jazzy enough to play at a party, yet subtle enough that you could listen to it while relaxing next to a fire.  There's a mix of religious carols and festive favorites, and if there's any fault to be found here is that there's not more songs, like you have on the expanded double-LP (which can be found here.)

(Yes, I'm buying that next.)

When every song you record on an album is a bonafide classic, it's hard to find fault with anything.  Sinatra's arrangements, vocal range, and knack for song selection is uncanny.  I couldn't possibly give the man anything less than a '9,' because he's Frank frickin' Sinatra.  If you don't like Frank Sinatra, I don't think I can be cool with you.

He does get docked a solitary point for the sole reason that this album isn't fit for all occasions (most, but not all.)  In his defense, though, very few albums are.

VERDICT:  9/10 - Cowabunga! (This album needs to be a mandatory addition to everyone's Holiday music collection.  Like, enforce this shit by law or something.)

- SHELVED -

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XX

Merry Pre-Season, gang.  Let's get us some jammage analyzed. . .

Album Title:  Something Festive

Album Artist:  Various Artists

I think those of you out there who have been somewhat keeping up with this blog - specifically this Christmas Record Odyssey of mine - have caught on to the fact that Yours Truly enjoys his '60s music.  While not universally, at least frequently when it pertains to Christmas songs.  True, sometimes Christmas albums recorded in the '60s fall flat (you heard me, Johnny Mathis), but other times we find ourselves some true gems in the Holiday Music section of the Hough Family Record Collection.

This one, here, is. . . well, sort of in the middle.

This record, like others found in this year's run of Holiday music, was purchased on purpose from a local thrift shop for a mere 59 cents.  As such, my hopes weren't super high for this particular record, but given the cheesy cover art and some of the bands and songs on the track list, I was still anxious to give it a whirl on the 'ol Holiday turntable.

After listening to this album in its entirety, I'm satisfied with my spending less than a dollar on this.

Some of these songs, to be fair, are really good.  The instrumental Latin jams on here  (Herb Alpert, etc.) would definitely hold up all season long, as would Burt Bacharach's offerings:  why, I'd spend regular, non-thrift store money on a Christmas album if all it had were songs like these.  Those songs, on their own, would serve well as background music during a holiday cocktail party, with a bunch of older guys standing around in turtlenecks, perhaps eyeballing everyone else's wives while smoking cigars and not using coasters.

But, alas, those songs are not all that we have here.  We also have some really, really horrible songs on this album.

Most notably, there's a song called "Raggedy Ann & Raggedy Andy" that easily pulls this album down a a solid three points on my official one-to-ten scale, all by itself.  It's just brutal.  Nothing about it fits with the rest of the album:  there's nothing 'Latin,' 'jazzy,' or 'instrumental' about this song.  This not being an instrumental song is truly a shame, 'cause my main fault with this song is its vocal aspect.  What we appear to have here, upon listening to the song, is a drunken woman - the one and only Liza Minnelli, ladies and gentlemen - singing to a couple of shit-stained dolls in a dreary, long-neglected bedroom.

While that could be funny to watch - if not a little depressing, I suppose - it's not at all enjoyable to listen to.  It's so jarring I had a really hard time finishing it, and that's saying something.

Personally, if I want to hear Liza Minnelli make an ass of herself, I'll watch Arrested Development, thank you very much.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh  (The Good, the Bad, and the Minnelli:  it'd be a solid 7 if it were all Herb and Burt, but Liza and Co. drag it down into the Realm of Blegh.)

- SHELVED -

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XVI

Merry Almost-Christmas, Internet . .

Album Title:  A Very Special Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

   

"Special."

I'm a sucker for '80s music, guys.  For real.  I don't care if it's shallow pop music, either; there's something nostalgically fun about the genre, and I've reached that age where I no longer define myself by what I listen to, and no longer care what anyone thinks about it.

This particular Holiday compilation is straight out of that '80s nostalgic vein that I usually appreciate, but the song choices on this record are kinda. . . meh.  Not a lot of great stuff on here.  Some good, lot of bad.  With so many other better records out there vying for precious rotation time, I don't see this particular album really holding up.

But let me address one particular thing I did notice about this album:  it's proceeds benefit the Special Olympics.  And it's called 'A Very Special Christmas.'

Um. . . 

Seriously.

Guys, let's just cut all the PC crap here and just call this album what it really is: A Very Retarded Christmas.  When you call something 'Special,' and it's a byproduct of the Special Olympics, you're basically calling it retarded.  I know that term is no longer considered 'cool' by society, but, as the saying goes:

"A rose by any other name is still retarded."

VERDICT:  6/10 - Meh (Totally '80s. . . but not in the good way.)

- SHELVED -

Album Title:  Jingle Bell Jazz

Album Artist:  Various Artists

This one is barely worth my time.  It's jazz, but it's shitty jazz.  It's bizarre, it's overly-complicated to the point where it sounds more like noise than music, and the singing on here - yes, it's not even decent enough to be an instrumental jazz album - makes me want to kill myself.

True, there is one track from Dave Brubeck (however you spell his name) on here that isn't half bad, but considering the amount of talent you have on here - Duke Ellington, Miles Davis, etc. - you'd think this would be somewhat enjoyable.  Right?  Am I crazy to think that?  Like I told you guys before:  I'm not big into jazz in the first place, and this sounds worse than most other jazz I've heard.

On a closing note, I want to ask the Internet what the hell is going on with this mysterious drifter walking through the snow in the picture (at left)?  I mean, it looks cold as shit out, right?  Look at all that snow.

Where's the dude's hat?  How about gloves and a scarf, bro?  Clearly this dude's an idiot.  And he probably has some kind of cognitive defect that clouds his judgement.

I bet he likes jazz.

Barf.

VERDICT:   2/10 - Reality TV  (Gets a merciful bonus point for Dave Brubeck's track. . .)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XI

Album Title:  We Wish You a Merry Christmas

Album Artist:  Ray Conniff and the Ray Conniff Singers

One look at this album and you can't help but chuckle to yourself.  "Are these guys serious?  How campy is this record?"

It does come across so, for sure; this album is one part Christmas carol medleys, one part the Hobbit's Glenn Yarbrough, one part Barbarella, one part CBS' Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, and two parts early '60s London swing.  You intrigued yet?  You should be, folks.  Is this indeed a strange mix?  Definitely.

But, believe it or not, it works.

Swingers (I especially like the creepy due in the middle, copping a feel.  For Baby Jesus.)

I like this one.

No idea who 'Dottie' is. . .

This album - like the cover art suggests, is a lot of fun.  Its total '60s cheesiness, but it relishes in it, and, like other albums I've reviewed so far, it does it so well embracing its roots that it holds up.

This album's collection of carols and holiday medleys ranges from early folk arrangements (pre-Dylan Greenwich Village folk. . . the kind of folk that didn't scare parents back in the day), to jazzy Yuletide renditions, to straight-up early '60s R & B and Shuffle.  The vocalists lead the songs instead of overpowering them, and to listen to it - ignoring the 'Singers' title on the front cover - you wouldn't think you were listening to a vocal album.  The music itself holds up and then some:  I'm a big fan of these medleys.

. . .is he doing a magic trick?

Dated?  Yeah, of course it is; if it's one thing the '60s did well, it was give their holiday tunes a signature 'sound.'  On this album, the folky accoustic guitar comes and goes, as does the full marching band, the orchestra, and the little collection of South-of-the-Border mariachi players.

If it sounds random, that's 'cause it is.  By all rationale, one shouldn't have a mariachi band playing The First Noel here, only to have a heavy folk rendition of Twelve Days of Christmas appear on the same side of the record.  But Ray Conniff does it.

I don't even know who the hell Ray Conniff is, but I'm a big fan of his now.  This album kicks ass.

VERDICT:  9/10 - Cowabunga! (A pleasant surprise.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

Album Title:  God Rest Ye Merry, Jazzmen

Album Artist:  Various Artists

I know this is going to ruffle a few feathers, but I need to get this off my chest once and for all:

I don't like  jazz.

There.  I said it.  Jazz bores me.

Meh.

While there are a few jazz albums I do like - Brubek's Take Five, Vince Guaraldi Trio's Charlie Brown Christmas  ("10/10" - The Houghs) - most of the rest I could happily do without for the remainder of my music-snobbish existence.

(Take that, hipsters.)

Jazz tries to hard.  And honestly, if music's so complex and so intricate that I can't whistle or tap my foot along to it, I really don't see a point in listening.  I don't care how talented you are, Jazz Musicians:  you don't need to try so hard convincing everyone you're awesome.

You ever hear the drummer from AC/DC?  That guy sure as hell doesn't show off, but he still rocks the drums.

Very rarely does any song on here in any way, shape or form resemble the Christmas song it's supposedly emulating.  Some bars you get the basic melody peaking through, but then it becomes drowned in overly-complicated drum fills, sax solos, and piano spasms.

Are these dudes talented?  Absolutely.  But I'd rather have a happy-go-lucky, homeless guy with two teeth slobbering into a harmonica and carrying 'Jingle Bells' than listen to this.

. . . come to think of it, that sounds awesome.  Someone round me up a hobo.  Post haste.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (Tries too hard.  I'm not impressed.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. II

Alright, I've got another record today for ya - Remembering Christmas with the Big Bands (RCA, 1981.)  Johnny Mathis is no longer with us, having been 'shelved' in the last Episode, and now sits alongside my non-Christmas albums for the remainder of the Holiday Season.  In shame.

Without further ado, here we go. . .

Album Title:  Remembering Christmas with the Big Bands

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Alright all you zoot suit daddies, let's pretend it's the Summer of 1998 and get some swingin' Yule goin' on in here. . .

Thanks, Granny.

No idea where this one came from, but if I had to put money on it, I'd probably wager it came from my Dad's mom, Granny Hough.  My reasoning for this?  A solitary '1981,' scrawled in her trademark calligraphy, right on the front cover of the outer record sleeve.

Only a Hough, with their infamous OCD, would deem it necessary to scrawl the date of an album right across the front cover (despite the fact that the date can easily be found on the back cover, along with the usual record company copyright information.)

Anyway.

This one isn't bad - good sound quality for the record itself, the outer sleeve is in VG condition (not that I have an audiophile's super-anal rating scale to heart or anything.)  This album is exactly what you would come to expect from a compilation of Big Bands doing an assortment of Christmas standards.  Hopping horn sections, snappy rhythm sections - not too bad at all. When vocalists come on - as they do with Big Band numbers, about a minute or so into the song - they're recorded way too loud, as it usually the case with most Big Band recordings.

I have really nothing to complain about - Glenn Miller, Sammy Kaye, Fats Waller. . . what's not to like?  Well, as a Christmas album, it's a little too much on the 'jazz' side for my tastes.  If I'm in the mood for swinging band jazz, these are the guys I look for, no doubt about it.  They're the best in the business.  That being said, I think as a Christmas album the melodies of familiar Holiday tunes gets drowned out in that Big Band swing.  The variations on these tunes don't stay as centric to the normal arrangements, which forces you to sometimes work at finding out what, exactly, you're listening to.

And I hate work, America.

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent (good jazz. . . just maybe not for Christmas.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian