Back to the Smokies, Day V

(cont'd.)

Day V

Smoky Mountain Knife Works, Gatlinburg, and the Pirates' Voyage Dinner Show

This morning we all kinda slept in a bit - the day before had been pretty jam-packed and everyone apparently needed the extra sleep. After getting around for the day and loading up into the van, we decided to tackle my vacation bucket list item, Smoky Mountain Knife Works, first. This giant knife warehouse is located in nearby Sevierville, about a twenty-minute drive from our rental, and the route there veers out of the tourist trap bubble of Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg, so you stop seeing the usual kitschy stuff and instead come across more typical, 'for the locals,' strip mall store fronts. So in Tennessee, I guess that looks like this. . .

I've been here on a couple previous occasions (most recently in 2014), and it really is a must-see stop if you're even remotely interested in knives.

You can't really tell from this pic, but this is a giant reproduction of one of the famous Gil Hibben knife models used in the Rambo franchise. The knife you see here is probably a meter in length at least.

Abby befriends a local 'Squatch. My only stipulation for Kris and the girls at this place was 'don't rush me.' I wanted time to look around, and didn't want my three roommates - who don't collect swords and knives - hovering around me, bored. Fortunately, everyone understood the assignment, and they managed to entertain themselves for the two hours that we ended up hanging out there.

We let Alayna pick out a pepper spray while we were there (Sabre is a solid brand), seeing how she'll be starting off at SVSU in the fall. Not that every college-aged girl will ultimately end up relying on pepper spray at some point, but I don't like to think about what would happen if she needed it and didn't have it on her. She was going to get a pink one (surprise, surprise), but ended up choosing one that had like a seat-belt cutter and glass breaker on it instead. 

Everytime I see United Cutlery's line of LOTR weaponry, it makes me want to buy more of them. Not that I have any wall space left in my house. . .

Three levels of knives, antiques, hunting/camping gear, guns and ammo, and home/kitchen goods. It takes awhile to go through it all, so if you're interested in checking this place out at some point, give yourself at least an hour.

Abby, making another friend.

The basement level is divided into two sections - one for firearms, ammunition, and related accessories, and the other for the antiques and fossils (which you can buy.) The antiques for sale go all the way back to antiquity (Greco-Roman coins, etc.) up to modern military items. This assortment of American and European muskets date back to the 19th century, and depending on their state vary in price between like $600 and $2,000. Obviously no longer function.

Most of this stuff was priced higher than it should have been, which is to be expected in a brick-and-mortar store (opposed to online, where the market maintains a more realistic price point.)

Helmets from various 20th Century wars.

Nothing for sale in these display cases, they're just for show (which is sad 'cause these sort of antique, display pieces are more up my alley than the shitty 'mall knives' or over-priced tactical stuff I'd never end up using.)

I made multiple laps up and down the various levels of this place, browsing and double-backing to different sections. Easy to get lost in a place like this, that's for sure.

I ran into Abby at one point near this display case. She was visibly annoyed, and told me that not all of the fifty states were presented here in this case. Furthermore, whoever had set this display up had clearly started so adhering to alphabetical order, but then abandoned the practice completely about half-way through. There's no rhyme or reason to this display whatsoever, and Abby was losing her damn mind.

The Iron Throne

Hey look, kids - a traitor.

After two hours of exploring this giant-ass store, I used a coupon I found in a touristy brochure thingy earlier and got a free knife sharpening for my every-day-carry pocketknife. As far as buying something new, I didn't. Not being an avid outdoorsman, I wasn't eager to drop a couple hundred bucks on a fancy camp/hunting/survival knife, or a tactical knife, or anything like that. I already own multiple pocketknife and the one I carry on a daily basis is perfect (don't ask about how many months I researched every-day-carry knives before pulling the trigger on it.) And as far as swords go, they don't really have anything great there - just shitty mall swords or stuff that would otherwise appeal to people who don't know anything about collecting REAL swords. Disappointing? Sure, I guess, but I wasn't too bummed out.

Kris and the girls were eating lunch in the van, and I had them drive around to the opposite end of the warehouse/store so I could get my traditional pic in front of the store's iconic sign.

Usually I hold up something I bought from there, so because I didn't get anything this time around, I just pulled out my trusty, pocketknife.

Aging like fine wine, folks.

Back on the road, we decided it was high time to strike out into Gatlinburg and explore the downtown shopping area a bit.

Driving through the 'no man's land' between Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg.

We had seen a YouTube video prior to leaving for our trip that talked about avoiding the pay-for-parking crap in downtown Gatlinburg by utilizing the city's free trolley system. These trolleys are based outside the Visitor's Center, and roll out every 15 minutes or so. We had just missed one, so we used the window of time remaining to hit up the bathrooms and fill up water bottles and crap like that.

The Visitor Center. Once everyone was ready we walked a short distance up the parking lot to the 'station' and waited, like, two minutes.

Kris and Alayna were a little late getting up there so Abby and I had to convince the driver to wait a minute or two.

Slow pokes.

We disembarked from the trolley outside some kind of aquarium, walking over a small stream to get to the main strip.

Last time we were here walking around the girls were a hell of a lot smaller, and we didn't get as much walking around in.

We first ducked into this multi-leveled, indoor mall, and the first shop right when you clear the entrance was a record store. It was like fate speaking to us.

The album prices were absurd - everything was priced about $10 more than they should have been, but since this place probably deals mostly with ignorant tourists (and their teenage children who like vinyl for the aesthetic), they're probably doing just fine. I didn't grab anything (nobody bought records, at my insistence), but we spent some time digging through vintage band poster prints (which were surprisingly priced decent.)

Alayna found the K-Pop CD section, but after ten minutes of rummaging around in there she didn't see anything she liked.

Still browsing. Abby ended up picking up a sticker or two and a couple CD's, but that's about it.

After the record store, we walked around the mall, checking out some of the other shops.

Kris, looking for Alayna (who had disappeared for a bit.)

Back outside, we continued on down the street, window-shopping for the most part.

We remembered this little shop district having some pretty cool stuff in there back in the day, so decided to revisit it.

This area kinda reminds you of Frankenmuth's downtown strip (has the whole 'Bavarian' feel to it as well.)

Alayna shopping in yet another jewelry store (both our girls gravitate to these places like moths to a flame.)

An Irish Pub we sadly didn't spend any time in (as much as I enjoy a cold pint, it was pretty hot out and drinking a beer then walking around in the heat isn't ideal.)

Ancient Rome hated this chick. Look it up.

No shortage of Hot Sauce shops here in Tennessee.

Nobody knew how Abby was surviving wearing a long-sleeve shirt and a sweater vest in 90-degree heat - I was struggling in a t-shirt.

Kris, giving another mom talk (probably.)

Didn't go into this place. I'm sure it wasn't over-priced at all.

Probably two-dozen or so shops in this area, all of them 'themed' so there's a wide variety of stuff to check out.

Nobody felt like chowing down on donuts at nearly 5pm in the blazing heat.

I could have easily been talked into climbing into this thing at this point in the day.

Back on the strip, we decided to cross the street and start making our way back towards the trolley station. We had tickets for a dinner show at 8pm, and had to be there by 7pm. We wanted at least an hour at the cabin beforehand to unwind and clean ourselves up a bit, and the trolley schedule situation was a variable we had to factor into things.

More hidden shopping districts sprouting off from the main strip.

Main Street, Gatlinburg.

The girls wanted to do one, final tour through the multi-leveled mall building we passed through upon entering Gatlinburg initially (we hadn't checked out everything on our first run through), so we relented and told them we were just going to be doing it fast. Ran into the old tobacco shop that I visited - and loved - last time I was here, but this time around I didn't get anything (I rarely smoke anymore, maybe once or twice a year.)

Checking out some creepy stuffed animal thing that's apparently all over social media these days (I don't get it.)

Mind your business, bear.

Lotta layers to this mall thing they got here. . .

Now that she's '18 and an adult,' according to her, Alayna wanted to look in this weed shop. She found out, of course, that one has to be 21 in order to purchase any marijuana, and left defeated.

Crossing back over that little stream on our way back to the trolley station.

When we got there (just passed this aquarium, off to the right there), we had just missed our trolley pulling out, which didn't really matter anyway 'cause there were crowds of people already there who had been unable to board it. So we queued up in line, and about 15 minutes later two more trolleys pulled up and we were able to squeeze ourselves onto one of them.

Kris gets another family selfie while en route back to the Visitor Center.

Packed to the brim.

After leaving the trolley and getting back to Kris' van, we drove back towards our rental cabin (crossing this little stream that that little, stone bridge spans.)

. . . . and through this treacherous tunnel.

We had about a half an hour to just sit and catch our breath before we had to leave, once again, for Pigeon Forge. This gave the girls time to color in a couple of little, activity books Kris had picked up for them at Smoky Mountain Knife Works, and watch something mindless on the TV in the background.

Abby, coloring and enjoying an energy drink while Yours Truly works on off-loading pics from his SLR onto his computer.

(Beer helps with the process, folks.)

Folks took turns freshening up in the bathroom before we once again loaded up into the van and headed into the tourist hellscape that is Pigeon Forge.

This Pirates-themed dinner/show was the one the girls wanted to do. They have about a dozen of them in the greater Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg area, and we watched videos about all of them in advance in order to narrow the choices down.

We arrived on time and there were two lines already forming. We hopped in one before some employees moved through the crowd, directing the ticket purchasers into one line while their families waited in the other (I guess to expedite things, I don't know.) 

In the end this did speed things up quite a bit, and being the ticket purchaser Yours Truly moved into the smaller line and got my roommates all checked in. The front entrance to this place was decorated with two-story 'pirate-y' maps, which weren't geographically accurate in the slightest.

They took a series of family pictures after we passed through security but before we entered the building (you know, that you can preview for free but have to pay like $50 or something stupid for six, shitty 4"x 6" prints.

The girls and Blackbeard (I assume.)

The photographer told us to look to the right and 'look scared.' Some of us are clearly better than others at this.

Excuse the watermarks, but, like I said before, ain't nobody paying $50 for a couple 4" x 6" prints. . .

They used Abby for this picture - she was the only one in our family to get their own, solo pic. She must be the dashing, adventurous one in our family. . .

We had to show up around a half an hour before the show started, per the instructions, and this time was spent hanging out in this large atrium, where there was a snack kiosks, a full bar, a souvenir store, and plenty of seating on hand (to accommodate the hundreds of people who would be filling in for the next show.) This makes sense if you're trying to bleed tourists for extra money.

The girls played a couple hands of checkers while Kris and I made our way to the bar for some pre-show drinks.

The cocktails were definitely over-priced, but the beer was actually reasonable - I think I paid $6 per can of Bell's Two-Hearted.

I love me some pirate decor. . .

Folks waiting around for the show to start.

The souvenir store was pretty lame, but we killed some time in it anyway.

My wife and her over-priced, frozen, foo-foo drink.

I was asked to jump in and play checkers with the girls after they tired of battling each other.

I was kicking Abby's ass for most of the game, then made one, wrong move at the end and she beat me (jumping like six of my kings.) Technically we ended in a draw, but still - not my best moment.

We were seated in the 'red' section, meaning we like cheered for the 'red' pirates (one of those things, kinda like Medieval Times, if you've ever been there.) The place was pretty big, with comfy seating and, from our vantage point (we had upgraded from 'peasant' seating to get something with a better view) we could see the entire set up. They let you bring drinks from the bar in here, too, so I grabbed an extra beer to take back with me.

Abby takes a selfie for her social media nonsense.

The Houghs, pre-show. As could be expected, they didn't allow you to take any pics or video of the show while you were in there (I guess if you were super curious about it you could hunt down a video of it on YouTube or something.) The sword-fighting and comedic side-antics with the live animals was entertaining, but there was a little too much gymnastics for my taste (not historically accurate in the slightest.) The meal was generous, and we all gorged ourselves stupid on fried chicken, mac and cheese, soup and cornbread, and desserts. Everyone felt bloated and disgusting upon leaving the show, 'cause our family does NOT eat decadent food and it was not a smart move on our part.

Walking out to the van, after the close of the two-hour show. We drove home, overly-stuffed but happy with how the show turned out. We have one, final day in Tennessee tomorrow, before having to embark on the ten-hour drive north to Michigan. Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion. . . 

- to be concluded. . .