Back to the Smokies, Day IV

(cont'd.)

Day IV

Dollywood 

We had to get around somewhat early this morning in order to get down to the trolley station at a decent time for timely shuttling to Dollywood. Kris found this Joffrey's coffee blend at Marshall's on one of her many shopping trips there with Mees and Courtney (Joffrey's being a famous coffee blend on Disney Resort property - tasted delicious.)

By 9:15am, we were parked at the Trolley Station, which shuttles folks over to Dollywood (a hell of a lot better than paying for parking there.)

Alayna had to use the bathroom while we were waiting in line, and we had a slight moment of panic when the shuttle finally pulled up and she wasn't back yet. I don't know what the hell that girl does in the bathroom that takes so damn long. . .

As usual, upon going through the security check point at a theme park, Yours Truly got flagged for a more in-depth search. The line was moving super slow because the 55-year-old part-timer wearing latex gloves was moving at a snail's pace.

Eventually they let me through, having not found my hidden 9mm Glock 19 and bag of cocaine.

We really had no idea where we were going upon entering the park - I had tried researching a battle plan at the last minute the evening before, but this place isn't as cutthroat with rides as, say, a Disney theme park - it's more like Cedar Point, where everything fills up at about the same pace. We ultimately ended up stopping first at a sunglasses kiosk because Alayna - surprise, surprise - forgot hers back at the cabin.

This generation really, really loves the whole early 90's skiing sunglasses thing. I think it looks dumb as hell.

Abby, not-so-patiently waiting for her sister to pick something out.

Bubble wands. These things were insanely popular at this park, I don't know how many bubble clouds I had to walk through, shielding my SLR lens like some kinda newborn infant. Why do southerners like bubbles so much? Have they never seen soap before? . . . . oh wait, I just answered my own question.

The current theme at this place.

No idea why Abby looks so terrified here, I forget.

So, for those of you who have never heard about 'Dollywood' before, it's basically Dolly Parton's own theme park. Very similar to Cedar Point (though smaller), just waaaaay more Country Music and Jesus. 

A couple feral kids, cooling off in the mist.

(Not sure what this is, we never went inside.)

A barrel fountain. 'Cause Tennessee.

Having scored Alayna some new sunglasses, it was time to hit up some rides. We exited the Dollywood equivalent to Main Street U.S.A. and veered off to the east, where we entered 1950's World (not sure if it's called that, but there was lots of 50's music playing, lots of hot rods and diners. . . and segregation.)

We'd end up circling back to this place in the evening for dinner - you'll see that later in this post.

This roller coaster was nearby, but unfortunately it was down for the moment (a frequent issue with coasters), so we decided to return later so the riders in our fam (not me) could do it. You'll also see this towards the end of today's post.

Exit through the Gift Shop.

Dippin' Dots has a monopoly on ice cream sold in this park, I guess - they had these damn things everywhere.

The Dollywood Sign (get it? Like the Hollywood sign? Only smaller?)

A couple of theme park veterans. These two were raised on them.

Didn't see any boats, so I can't verify this.

We had a lot of walking ahead of us, because the park - which is laid out in a loop - has most of their coasters built on to the more recent additions (at the north and western sides of the loop), and we were starting off in the southeast of it.)

A water ride we never got around to riding.

Entering the 'frontier' section of the park.

Alayna was glued to this map, she referenced it constantly throughout the day, serving as our group navigator.

Some kinda water wheel that didn't have much of a purpose besides moving water. . . for some reason.

Shops and snack stands lined the thoroughfare of this ole timey section we passed through on our way towards the back of the park.

A 'blacksmith's shop' that we'd eventually poke our heads into later in the afternoon.

The Cannonball points the way to the next ride.

Lots of love for the good ol' U.S.A. in a place like this. Gotta love the South.

It was hot out, but not unbearably so yet. Still, can't believe Kris wore her hair down on a day like this.

A random school house. In the middle of a theme park. That can't be distracting for the students at all. . .

F*** that.

Kris and the girls hopped into this first ride we came across, which was an indoor, Animatronic ride similar to, say, Pirates of the Carribean at Magic Kingdom. . . except instead of pirate theme it was a frontier fire department saving the day. 

I didn't know it was an Animatronic ride when they hopped into the line (I assumed it was a coaster and I'm not a huge fan of those), so I sat in the 'cowards' section outside the ride (where a bunch of adirondack chairs were set up under a canopy.) After ten minutes Kris and the girls came and found me, as this ride, too, was down temporarily - we'd be all hitting up this ride later on in the day.

The girls, outside of the bathrooms, waiting for their mom.

Walking the Path of Gayness.

Approaching the northeast corner of the loop, and the start of the coasters area. . .

My three roommates went on this red coaster first (I forget what it's called), and I waited in this Cornhole area for them along with my fellow cowards.

They definitely lean hard into the frontier vibe at this place. Country music was playing non-stop EVERYWHERE - it was like my own, custom-made Hell.

Kris and the girls, heading up the coaster's initial drop.

Upside loops I can do. Large, steep drops? Not so much.

With one coaster under their belts, we proceeded further into the park for another one.

This blue, eagle-themed one was next on the agenda, as the wait time was short and it was right there. Abby took one look at that initial drop and was like, 'Hell no.'

'Merica.

Kris and Alayna, jumping in line for this one. Abby and I ended up waiting outside of the ride for about 25 minutes for them to wrap up with it.

Spotted some smoke off in the distance at one point. Eventually we'd realize this was from the park's train (that we'd be riding later towards the end of the day.)

Kris and Alayna take off on the ride (I recorded - and then deleted - about ten videos of various groups going on the ride before finally catching them.)

Consulting the map once again.

This kid knows how to navigate a park. She walks fast and weaves in and out of slower park goers with ease, as one would expect from a child raised in Disney theme parks from birth.

Next up was some kinda smaller-scale thrill ride, that you might see at a county fair or the like.

This Barnstormer ride just swung back and forth like this. I guess if that's your thing. . .

Kris sat this one out, she had zero interest in just getting nauseous.

My roommates in front of a barn.

The girls, taking a phone break, while Kris goes to the bathroom (again.)

After the Barnstormer ride, we backtracked a short distance back to the frontier shop stretch that we had just passed through in order to duck into some of the stuff we had walked past earlier.

Inside the Blacksmith's Shop. . .

You could buy some cool stuff in here - like knives made from horseshoes and shit like that - but I didn't buy anything 'cause I already have one at home from when me and my fellow Kings of the Hill made our own on Mackinac Island from Brocation '22.

A church. In a theme park. They actually hold services here on Sundays, so if you feel like going to church while visiting a theme park - what the f*** - you're set. What even is the South?

Heading west at the top of the park's loop, venturing into new territory.

This northern swath of the loop was called Timber Canyon (as the sign indicates.)

Kris and Alayna hopped into a 30-minute line for this ride, which they assumed was the giant wooden coaster you see in the background. Abby and I didn't have any interest in going on this one, so we volunteered to scout ahead to check out other areas for them.

This area had a 'mining town' sorta vibe, which made sense I guess.

Another county fair ride, where they just shoot you straight into the air and you just plummet right back down again. Nothing about that sounds fun to me.

Passing underneath this archway, Abby and I entered some kinda 'enchanted forest' section of the park. There was a backstory to this part of the park - about a little girl and butterflies and a forest clearing or some shit - but I didn't commit it to memory.

THAT's the name of this part of the park. My bad.

Ducks in a pond. Bunch a free-loaders if I ever saw 'em.

One of those ship swing rides that just goes back and forth (we didn't get around to doing this one, either.)

This giant, orange 'bear' themed coaster passes underneath a couple man-made waterfall thingies. This was the park's biggest draw, so the lines were ridiculous all day long - Alayna was never able to get onto it.

Exit through the Gift Shop. As always.

After reaching the end of Wildwood Grove, we had double-backed towards the plant-covered tunnel we had initially passed through.

The entrance to that bear-themed coaster I talked about earlier.

About the closest thing we saw to bears on this trip. They must have heard I was coming and stayed out of sight, being afraid of me.

Having done our due diligence, Abby and I returned to where we had last left Kris and Alayna. When we got there, we realized that the line they had jumped into wasn't for that giant, wooden coaster they had seen in the distance, but for a much smaller 'kiddie' coaster that sat out in front of it.

This is what they had wanted. . .

. . . aaaaand this is what they got.

Since they had devoted about 25 minutes to waiting around for this, they decided they were too invested to just not go on it. They actually weren't the only people who had done this, either - so alongside the young parents with small kids riding on this thing, you had several defeated older people who just wanted some, small semblance of a reward for waiting around for nearly a half an hour in line.

Kris and Alayna, white-knuckling it on this small-ass, kiddie coaster.

Hope it was worth the wait, ladies.

Having a blast.

After the ride, the Cannonball cooled off with some Dippin' Dots (no one else in the family wanted any) and we continued on back towards the front - or, South - of the park.

Abby and I had found a boring, straight-shot pathway at the far, northwest corner of the loop that could be used to get back down to the front of the park. There were no rides, shops, or snack kiosks along this route - just a straight walk forward (almost like a shortcut.)

Back on Main Street U.S.A. (or whatever the Confederate equivalent of that would be.)

Having done a few of the roller coasters already, Kris wanted to check out some of the park's many 'shows' - there are as many of these indoor attractions as there are coasters - and the girls landed on this Stunt Dog Experience. It was basically what it sounds like: these trainers bring on dogs that can catch a ridiculous amount of thrown frisbees, run obstacle courses, 'dance,' etc. It was pretty boring for us adults (though the girls thought it was cute), but at least it was air conditioned.

A family selfie, following the show.

Dollywood is famous for its Cinnamon Bread, which it sells in multiple locations throughout the park (like this one), but we planned on picking that up at the end of the day so we didn't have to carry it around with us in the meantime.

Colored shade canopy-thingies. They covered a lot of the walkways throughout the park.

Dolly Parton has her own, dedicated section in the southernmost part of the park's loop, with a few different 'museums' dedicated to different aspects of her life and career. This is the main one, which walks you through her origins, rise to fame, her career, and her philanthropy. Kris really wanted to check this out, so this is what we did next.

Walking into the museum. . .

Remember her song about the Coat of Many Colors? This is the original.

Dolly Parton and Miss Piggy. I love me some Muppets.

Hough girls on a swing.

An anniversary guitar from one of Dolly's tours. . .

This 360-degree, projection room was about the mountain shack she grew up with and her origins story (I assume.)

We decided to do the train next, but unfortunately it runs on the hour, every hour, and there's a hell of a line to get on it. We got there about seven minutes before the top of the hour, so we had no chance of getting on it. So we pivoted and decided to do this instead.

Sister selfie on the carousel.

And one with the parents.

Kris thought it was hilarious I had selected an ostrich to ride. . .

Whatever. I think he looked distinguished.

Coming out of another bathroom break, following the ride.

Exiting the train area.

We had some time to kill before the next scheduled train departure, so Alayna and Kris decided to hit up another short ride in the meantime.

This one was up and running again, so they knocked this out while Abby and I poked around some nearby shops.

Line selfie.

After their ride, our family realized it needed to eat before we did a train ride, as folks were getting snappy with one another and we were starting to run on fumes. Alayna was dead-set on eating indoors in order to get out of the heat - she hits a point at theme parks where she shuts down and has to get air conditioning, we've dealt with it for years at Disney parks. We hit up this spot nearby, but the food options were shitty so we sat down at an outdoor table and planned our next move.

Alayna checks the menu listings of nearby restaurants while Abby not-so-patiently waits to do something, and Kris slowly loses her shit.

Ultimately, we ended up walking to the opposite end of the park, back to that 1950's area of the park to hit up that diner. Surprisingly, there was plenty of indoor (air conditioned) tables available, and next to no lines. We all got cheeseburgers and fries, and it was pretty good food for the price (which, for a theme park, wasn't insane.) This break recharged everyone's batteries and we were once again ready to brave the parks (regardless of Abby's face, here.)

Kris is confused by the Cannonball's map.

Passing back through Frontierville (or whatever the hell it's called), we got back to the train station and walked right into the boarding zone. After I had to temporarily duck out of the zone to use the bathroom, then skip the line in order to re-enter (the guy working it remembered me, thankfully), the train pulled into the station and we slowly took off for a cruise around the park.

This train is a couple clicks above what they have at Disney, it actually runs on coal.

Having the time. of. their. lives.

A view out at the northernmost stretches of the park.

Exiting the strain station, following our 20-minute ride around the park.

An old, no-longer-functioning engine.

Kris tried MULTIPLE times getting a family pic in front of it, but we kept coming out looking like total frickin' idiots. Moreso than usual.

Since we didn't really have a battle plan at this point, and had done most of the rides at the park already, Kris suggested hitting up more of the 'exhibits' in the park, so we headed next door to the Dolly section of the park.

This one was smaller than the previous one we went into before, and was dedicated to Dolly's past outfits and wigs and stuff.

I thought it was pretty boring - I mean, it's clothes, for Christ's sake - but Kris and the girls were THRILLED.

This chick loves vanity mirrors. . .

And this chick loves shoes.

Dressing up Dolly. Clearly meant for entertaining small children, my teenagers got a kick out of it.

Once again exiting out of a Gift Shop. . .

Abby bought a keychain for her new car here, but that's the only non-food souvenir anyone bought at the park today (well, I guess Kris and I bought an ornament for our Christmas tree, but that's it.)

The Cannonball and her handsome father.

A retired tour bus of Dolly's you could walk on and explore (though we didn't.)

We ventured back into neighboring 1950's land so that Kris and Alayna could do that first roller coaster that we passed by in the morning (the one that was shut down at the beginning of this post.)

Kris and Alayna, riding the coaster.

Coming out of the exit after the ride.

The girls decided to venture north in order to hit up one of the coasters that they hadn't earlier in the day, due to long lines at the time. As the evening drew on, ride times shortened, so Alayna wanted to knock out as many of them as possible before we called it a day.

While they did that, Kris and I decided to hunt down some Cinnamon Bread. While doing so, I had a random guy approach me and say a few Masonic code words to me (he spotted the square and compass on my hat.) This wasn't the first time a brother Freemason approached me on this trip, either - another dude came up to me at the beginning of our Titanic Experience visit the day before.) He offered to take a pic of Kris and I in front of this sign while we were talking.

His daughter (maybe five years old) then walked up and kept asking him who I was, not understanding how he was having a conversation with some guy as if he knew him on an out of state vacation. She spotted my camera and asked if she could take a picture, which he at first protested but I told him it was fine. This is the pic she took of her dad. She's not a great photographer.

Saying goodbye to my brother, Kris and I headed back into the ole timey section of the park to pick up a couple boxes of cinnamon bread (one for us and one for the Johnsons, who had recommended it to us.)

The girls met up with outside this place once they were done with their ride.

Abby and I were exhausted at this point, and were more than ready to call it a day - we were just kind of along for the ride today, as this whole park was Kris' baby and Alayna was the only one chomping at the bit to do every, last ride in the place.

Sadly, it wasn't meant to be - Alayna had one more ride she wanted to do (like I said, in the end the Bear ride was the only thing in the park she didn't do today, so at least she got her money's worth.) While Abby and I waited at the exit (at the South end of the loop), Kris and her backtracked it to the north end to ride one, last coaster. After awhile of sitting around bored, we popped into a nearby souvenir store to kill some time.

(Again, no one bought anything.)

Meanwhile, Kris and Alayna were ready about to board this 'mine ride' sorta thing. . .

A half an hour later, we were finally leaving he park, walking back roads the trolley station. I had been ready to leave for hours, but toughened it out 'cause, after all, today was Alayna's 18th Birthday, and we wanted her to make the most out of it.

Alayna took this shot of the moon as we disembarked from the trolley and walked back to Kris' van, waiting for us in the station parking lot.

Didn't have a birthday cake on hand to celebrate Alayna's birthday, but we did have some newly-acquired Cinnamon Bread. We sang 'Happy Birthday,' ate some special Dollywood baked goodness, then settled into a family movie before turning in for the night.

Usually we wouldn't be cool with Abby drinking an energy drink this late at night, buuuuuut it's vacation, so screw it. Stay tuned for tomorrow's installment, gang. . .

- to be continued. . .