Back to the Smokies, Day VI

(cont'd.)

Day VI

Goats on a Roof, Tuckaleechee Caverns, and the Island at Pigeon Forge (Again)

We only had a handful of last-minute stuff to do on this last, full day of our Tennessee Vacation, and at the top of the priority list was Alayna's Birthday Massage. Kris called multiple spa places in the area in order to find simultaneous time slots available (because Abby would be getting one as well), and went through multiple places - booking, then cancelling, etc. - before landing on a place that was able to book both girls at the same time.

Ready to be rubbed down by total strangers. We checked the girls in, but for a hot second there they told us that one of us would have to be in the room with Abby while she got her massage because she's still a minor. After checking with the spa's owner, however, they were cool with us just giving our consent and leaving.

Kris and I didn't feel like hanging out in the waiting room of that joint for an hour while our girls got massaged, so we drove about a mile in order to hit the main Pigeon Forge strip. Kris wanted to fill up her van so we wouldn't have to do it in the morning before getting on the long road home, and after we did that we decided to poke into neighboring souvenir store that looked promisingly tacky.

Where was this on my vacation?

Dinosaur statues outside of the store. For absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Careful, they spit.

After picking the girls up from their spa treatment (they had both loved their massages), we drove about ten minutes or so out of town to this place that the Johnsons recommended hitting up: Goats on a Roof.

This very well may be the most touristy bullshit I've ever seen in my entire life. The whole shtick of this place is that they have tons of goats, and the goats live up in a pen above a giant souvenir store. And there's a mountain roller coaster out back. And dinosaur statues everywhere. And putt-putt golf.

Anybody wanna buy some tacky tourist crap?

Up these stairs you found a second level of souvenir shopping. Nothing awesome in this place, just a bunch of the typical, generic, 'Tennessee' souvenir crap you see in countless other stores.

Heading back downstairs after realizing there was literally nothing in this place worth spending money on.

The girls weren't interested in feeding the local goats, but they were interested in riding the mountain coaster (those things are found all over the greater Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg area, and this one is apparently one of the better ones.)

What do dinosaurs have to do with goats, exactly?

This is the 'sled' thingy you ride on the coaster. It has brakes and I assume a seatbelt, but that's about it.

The gift shop at the end of the ride, across the parking lot from the main building ('cause 'Exit Through the Gift Shop,' etc.)

Kris buys the girls' tickets for the coaster.

Must be a pretty sweet gig for these guys. . .

A little while later, Abby came tearing down the coaster. . .

It's probably like a 5-10 minute ride, tops (and I think something like $20 to ride, but I could be wrong.)

She looks thrilled.

Alayna comes down the mountain, following her sister.

Slowing down on the final approach to the exit.

We wanted to squeeze in one, final 'hike' of some kind before we left for home the next morning, and Kris suggested we try out these caverns relatively nearby (about 35 minutes away.)

Kind of off the heavily-trodden, tourist track, there was still some niche Appalachia to check out as we drove down a winding two-lane.

Some weird-looking shanty town that we drove past (without stopping.) Not sure if it's just art stuff assembled from junk to resemble a mining town or what, but it looked like the sorta place you wouldn't want to frequent at night. You know, 'cause ghosts.

Some horse-riding experience, out in the middle of nowhere.

I couldn't remember the name of this place to save my life. They should have more normal names, that's on them.

These caverns are massive, and - like any cave system - pretty dangerous for inexperienced hikers, so they only provide guided tours which leave every half hour or so. We only had to wait like ten minutes before the start of the next tour, and while killing time in the cavern gift shop (because there's always a gift shop), Abby spotted this quasi-racist cook book for sale.

The entrance or the caves was in the basement of the gift shop (which was weird.) We walked down a giant, carpeted ramp, then proceeded down a metal ramp before leveling out in a long, flat corridor.

What came next was the most nerve-racking part of the entire cavern experience (so much so that I didn't get any pictures while doing it, only getting this pic at the base of the stairs after we had successfully made it down without dying.) So from that first, mostly-level corridor, you descended down a series of STEEP, metal steps, maybe a hundred feet in total, into a massive black abyss. The handrail only went up to your waist, so if you were jostled or lost your footing at all you would surely plummet to your death.

Our guided stopped at varying intervals to point out stalagmites and stalactites (he told us the difference but I didn't commit it to memory, as I'm not a geologist.)

Some of the caverns we entered were enormous, and we could only see in there due to strategically placed lights spread out amidst the rocks.

The remains of once-flowing water.

(He encouraged us to touch the rocks.)

Heading deeper into the caverns. . .

There were a couple different tour groups down here, staggered in order to minimize congestion, but we still bumped into other groups from time to time.

I used the Night Shot option on my camera for most of these pics, which turned out better than the standard phone camera.

You can't tell at all from these pictures, but the tour's 'climax' was this giant cavern room, larger than a football field, with a giant vaulted ceiling. They killed all the lights and the place fell pitch black, and the guides talked about how the first people to explore these caverns at the turn of the century did so with frickin' flashlights (which would have been terrifying.)

We were about two hundred yards away from the rocks on the far side, there, sitting on the other side of a large fissure that you couldn't see the bottom of (scary to think about.) Each of those little 'towers' you see in the pic are like 30 feet in height (according to our guides.)

Rocks are weird.

The Curtain Room ('cause the rocks look like curtains, I guess - I don't know, I didn't name any of this shit.)

Houghs in a Cave

Towards the end of our tour's route, we found ourselves in a very deep, underground cavern that ran flat for quite awhile, with a small stream trickling alongside the walkway. They encouraged us to drink straight from the stream, which was filtered by all the rocks and what not over the course of millions of years and was super clean. Tasted like ice cold, bottled water.

Our group of 20-25 people hung out in this area for a bit, snagging pics (which turned out better 'cause there were more lights down in this area of the cave system.)

Proceeding down the walkway, following the source of the stream.

An underground fountain (I forget its name, I wasn't paying attention.)

A little waterfall at the end of the cavern, where I assume the stream comes from. After checking this out for a few minutes, we about-faced and headed back towards the entrance.

At the far end of the 'stream' cave.

Kris snapped a quick pic of the girls and I before we started up a flight of metal steps to begin our way back towards the entrance.

Starting the long hike back to the surface level. Fortunately, after ninety minutes of subterranean exploration, nobody was injured and we all came out of the caverns in one piece.

Driving back through the mountains, towards our rental cabin.

Before heading back to begin the arduous chore of repacking our suitcases, Kris and I wanted to stop off at The Island one more time in order to pick up a few last-minute souvenirs for a few people (some specialty barbecue rubs and hot sauces for Mom and John for watching Samson all week, and a bottle of authentic moonshine for Dave and Sherri for collecting our absurd amount of packages off our front porch that accumulated while we were away.)

Alayna and Abby waited in the van, being pretty wiped out from their massages and cave exploring, and Kris and I were fine with that 'cause we only expected to be gone for about a half an hour. The skies looked perilous, super dark and building in mass, so we grabbed our rain jackets just in case. This was a smart move on our part, as about halfway from the parking lot to the Island the clouds opened up and it POURED. Flocks of tourists were caught unawares and were totally drenched, running and slipping in flip flops and tank tops. Not gonna lie, it was pretty hilarious.

Having scored our remaining souvenirs (I even snagged a bar mat and a large, tin sign for my basement bar, which I was super stoked about), we headed back to the rental cabin and began packing up all our crap. Kris cooked up a hodge-podge meal of everything that was still in the refrigerator and freezer and that we didn't want to haul back home. We grazed on this while picking up the place, repacking our bags, and preparing for our ten-hour drive home the following morning.

In closing, here's a pic of the Bear Air Horn that sat above the sink, and that we sadly didn't get to use one on this vacation. Thus concludes the Houghs' 2026 Tennessee Vacation. It was fun, for sure, but we all agreed we probably wouldn't be repeating this destination again as a family of four (having done so much of it already over the course of our last two times down here.) Maybe someday when Kris and I are grandparents and our girls want to do a large, extended family vacation with their husbands and kids and us, or maybe with a group of other couples - sure. Until then, we're parting ways with Tennessee and their Country/MAGA/Jesus vibe, and looking forward to adventuring somewhere new the next time around. 

- to be continued. . .