The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CXXII

Hey there. Let's jump into this one and, well, just see what we can wrap our heads around . .

Album Title:  A Christmas to Remember

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Right off the bat, I should let you guys know that this was one of the more difficult albums I've had to review for the Holidays. I first spotted it at Radio Wasteland in the dusty-as-all-hell Dollar Bin, and right away I thought this was going to be a total crap-fest, considering:

No, that's not The Band - it's The Christmas Boogie Band. Huge difference.

1.)  I didn't recognize a single artist on the track listing on the back of the sleeve, which is rarely a good sign. I mean, how hard is it really to book a C- or D-List artist for a Holiday record? How many absolute train wrecks have we seen over the years featuring abysmal 'talent' in their track listings? These dudes are always clamoring for spots on Christmas compilations like this, that's pretty much all they had once their mainstream careers began to dry up. 

2.)  The cover art is. . . something. You have Santa Claus, flying across a wintery landscape, like he's been known to do - directly in front of the moon like he's in E.T. or some shit. Down below on the ground is a herd of wild horses, watching on in what I can only assume is awe at the passing spectacle. Horses are skittish animals, guys, so this probably freaked them right the f*** out. Seeing a dude repeatedly cracking a whip across the backs of their quadruped cousins (are horses and reindeer distantly related?) as THEY FLY ACROSS THE SKY, IN CLEAR DEFIANCE OF GOD'S WILL.

Clearly whoever whipped this together was high as a damn kite.

But I digress. Let's get back to the point of this whole entry here, folks - let's analyze what this thing actually sounds like. 

Dropping the needle on Side A, we're met with some upbeat Tijuana-ish, South-of-the-Border jazz. As you all well know by now, this is most definitely my jam. I sat up, took notice, and was like, 'Oh damn, we might have a surprise keeper on our hands here!'

Remember this one, gang? Colored vinyl pressing of Christmas Disco for $12?

Then, right on its heels, came something different - a full-blown, Salsoul Orchestra-ish rendition of 'Jingle Bells.' Jarring, sure, considering it was preceded by a completely different sound, but not horrible: both were upbeat, fun instrumentals that one could definitely be entertained by, and they were done well (mixing, arrangement, performance - no complaints.) 

The next track also had some disco elements to it, but featured a male singer delivering some straight-up yacht rock vocals over the funkiness. 2015 Brian would not have cared for this in the slightest, but 2024 Brian, folks, is all here for the Yacht Rock.

I was hoping the trend would continue as Side A progressed, but the ol' bucket of ice water was dashed in my face pretty fast when the next track kicked off. A polka number. Heavy on the organ, no accordion to be found, so that it comes across more as a carnival ride soundtrack than an actual Polish take on Christmas. Definitely cringy, but all of these songs clock in under the 2-minute mark, so I was willing to take a point off and continue on my merry way. Fortunately, the next song is a return to Yacht Rock/Disco territory, which, while not my favorite sort of yuletide genre in the slightest, was at least following a discernible trend.

Magnum P.I. and Slenderman enjoy a sleigh ride on a magical winter's night. 

The last track on Side A, while not horrible, was a country/western instrumental done all on a quartet of guitars. And though out of place here (though the 'place,' by this point in time, is starting to get hard to keep track of), it was a decent little track. No, where everything falls of the rails in major fashion is upon flipping the record over on to Side B. . .

It's a piano-led orchestral number. Slow, serene, and it doesn't sound anything like Christmas music. It's like they pressed two different mini-albums onto one frickin' record. No more upbeat, fun music. No more Tijuana jazz, no more disco, no more yacht rock. Now it's time for introspection.

I had a bad feeling that this album was themed (I've reviewed albums in the past that were released like this), with one side the 'upbeat' Christmas music - the fun carols, etc. - and the other side the 'serious' Christmas music (you know, the 'Reason for the Season' and all that crap.)  

I hate it when albums do this.

Well, they definitely weren't kidding with the 'all the different ways you feel' crap.

My fears were well-founded, as it turns out. The next couple tracks were all filled with the usual, boring church bullshit: lots of organ, lots of hand bells, chimes, harpsichords, harmonicas (courtesy of a group called The Harmonicats - seriously, I guess that's a thing that exists), and - of course - swelling string sections. It was bad enough just as mere instrumental tracks, but by the third or fourth song in, they start rolling out the usual, overly-brash male vocals - because belting out religious carols makes it hit harder, I guess - and the standard, old-lady-warbling that you generally hear at a church service you're dragged to during the Holiday Season.

This whole album sounds like some mid-level record company executive asked his sound engineers what masters were lying around the label's studio that hadn't been previously released on prior Holiday compilations. The poor sound dudes, sighing deeply and shaking their heads, came out with a dusty cardboard box filled with a 13 reels of various songs (from all kinds of frickin' genres.) They informed this douchey superior of theirs that these reels were all that was left, but they were from various sessions over the years and there wasn't any continuity to speak of.

Then the executive, in his infinite wisdom, said 'screw it' and told them to mix them all up and have the shit pressed for release.

If it were possible to rate each side separately, I'd probably rate Side A a 6.5 (not that we condone the '0.5' system around here) and Side B a 4. But, because we are a society with f***ing rules, I can't do that, and as such, will be slapping one, big rating on the entire album as a whole.  And I'm not happy about it. At all.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh  (Almost good, but damn - this album does to 'compilations' what Michael Bay did to Transformers. It's so random that I want to prescribe it ADHD meds and get it in to therapy.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CXVI

I hope you kids have been good this year, because if you haven't, Bibletone is gonna hear about it, then you're gonna BURN IN THE FIERY PITS OF HELL. . .

Album Title:  Christmas at the Organ

Album Artist:  Bibletone

Not sure where this one came from, but I can't imagine I paid more than a buck for it - this isn't the sort of album you see online and drop good money on. 

When I first saw this in the store, obviously the cover art drew me to it like a moth to a flame (I'm a sucker for cheesy artwork on a Christmas album.) I mean, who decided this picture was perfect for a good, ol' fashioned 'organ n' chime' Holiday record? Why the hell is this little girl looking at that baby like this? Siblings don't look at other siblings like this, so I'm not buying they're members of the same household. Did she ask Santa for a baby for Christmas? Why does she want a baby, what's she gonna do with it? Santa doesn't need to get involved with human trafficking like this, he's got enough shit on his plate to deal with as it is. 

Anyway.

This album is old. Like, really, really old. Even before looking it up online - because I was curious about the label - I knew that this thing was released in the late 1940s. The album is, no joke, probably 300gm at least - it's heavy. When I went online to look more into the good folks at Bibletone, I discovered that they were one of the first American companies to start pressing on 33 1/3 RPM discs, transitioning from the older 78's, and that they also were some of the first to utilize 'Long Playing Records.' But folks, that's about the only good things I can say about Bibletone, and this particular release.

Pioneering as it may have been back in the day, the recording quality here is pretty bad. Granted, it's almost 80 years old, so I'm not faulting the label for the lack of, you know, the science that existed back then. No, I'm faulting them for the subject matter of their recording. 

This whole album sounds like it was recorded at a church piano recital. . . except instead of a normal piano (like you'd see at a normal piano recital) the weird kids that go to this weird church had to use the church's dusty-ass pipe organ. Each of these songs sounds like a novice is playing them - instead of chords being played smoothly, they're mashed down as if by clumsy, little kid fingers. The ear-grating of these pipe explosions is complimented by sporadic bangs on chimes, I assume played by some old lady who also attends said weird church, and offered to accompany the little kids while they played their recital pieces.

The songs presented here are all the usual religious Christmas carols, which isn't too much of a shocker considering the instrumentation of this album and the fact that, you know, it's released by a record label called BIBLEtone. These are all songs that every soul in the country has ingrained in their DNA - we all know these songs by heart, we could recite the lyrics in our sleep at this point. As if doubting this, and the purity of our souls, the good folks over at Bibletone decided to play it safe and include a F***ING HYMNAL in this album.

That's right, folks. A hymnal. With all the lyrics to the included songs.

This was definitely a first for me, I've never come across something like this in an album before. An insert with a bunch of song lyrics? Sure, I've seen that a bunch of times. But a full-blown hymnal, with all the music and lyrics for songs everyone already knows by heart?  That's a whole other level of weirdness. The included pamphlet is about a dozen pages long, and includes all of the carols that appear on this album, along with some  other titles one can purchase from Bibletone (each, I'm sure, feature a free hymnal as well. . . for singing along at home, of course.)

The good folks over at Bibletone have an entire catalog of what I'm sure are stellar, religious albums for sale. In addition to the hymnal, these are also proudly listed on the back of the album sleeve, enticing the music lover with such tantalizing titles as Church Tower Chimes, Wedding Tunes, and Hymns of Gladness. For religious fruitcakes (you know, the ones that hate gays and minorities and vote for orange, treasonous rapists), collecting church albums like this must have been as entertaining as collecting Pokemon is for nerds and virgins.

GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL.

Jesus . . .  or Charles Manson? 

So in summary, this album was about as lackluster as some of the other 'chimes and organs' I've reviewed over the years. It's boring, it's tired, the production level is straight-up amateur hour, and the record I listened to skipped so bad on Side 2 that my tonearm skipped and shot across the entire disc until it hit the run-out groove, I couldn't even listen to it. I consider this Divine Intervention, folks - God knew I shouldn't be listening to this garbage, even if it was a love letter to Him and his kid.

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV (A relic from a bygone era of religious intolerance, featuring some of the most boring church music ever recorded, as well as a free hymnal for anyone who has grown up in a cave and doesn't know the f***ing lyrics to Christmas carols.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CVIII

Welcome back to the Odyssey. Grab a drink, guys - you're gonna need it for this one. . .

Album Title:  Swingle Bells

Album Artist:  Various Artists

A quick glance at this one, one is immediately struck by the 'clever' play on words, Swingle Bells. You know, 'Jingle Bells'. . . buuuuuut with some kind of a 'swing' element thrown in. So when I saw this one at Radio Wasteland last weekend (this one I snatched up recently), I figured this was too good to pass up. 

I mean, 'swing' could mean several, different things. Perhaps it's the sort of swing from the 1940s, the Glenn Miller variety. Or it could also mean 'swing' in the 1960s, pop way (a la Ray Conniff, etc.) Maybe some kinda Hooked on Swing sorta thing, who knows.

But then one's eyes are drawn to the rainbow coloring of the text, and 'swingle' suddenly takes on a whole, different meaning all together. Perhaps, dear readers, 'swing' in this sense is a Saturday night party, in some South Florida gated community, where a bunch of older guys get together, drink a lot of bad things, and do lots of gross stuff to one another. Underneath the mistletoe, of course - this is a Christmas album. 

I mean honestly, this could go in a lot of different directions, folks.

Yet, now that I'm listening to it, I still don't know what to make of this album.

First things first, these aren't legit artists - if they were, they'd have their name on the front cover (or, at the very least, credited next to the songs on the track listing on the back.) No, this is like an eight-person a cappella group (too shitty to even have a frickin' name) but backed by a stripped down band of - I assume - local studio musicians. The production value of this album, while certainly not setting anyone back in terms of 'paying for talent,' is at least mixed well.

And that, dear readers, is about the only thing that this weird, weird album has going for it.

What I've learned this evening is that there is, indeed, such as thing as too much 'swing.'

The singers on this album can definitely carry a tune, so there's nothing to complain about in terms of their actual voices, per se, but rather it's the manner in which they're wielding these voices of theirs that's the issue.  There's a lot of scat-singing (I'd say 'scatting' here, but I think that has to do with animal poop or something), which actually outranks yodeling on the Most Annoying Singing Styles Scale. 

Like, why use words when you can just sing 'bum-bum-ba-dum dum, biddy-biddy-dabba-babba' and crap like that to the tune of Christmas carols?

What the f***.

Technically, there's only like eleven tracks on this particular album, but most of these are medleys, which means the overly-jazzy, full-swinging scat-singing usually stops after the first leg of the medley and then abruptly transitions into a church choir singing softly and quietly the unintelligible lyrics to some European peasant carol. You literally go from go-go dancing to German monks singing in crumbling cathedrals in only a handful of measures. Call it a medley if you want, but I think it's more accurately referred to as a shitshow.

"Thank you coming to this evening's performance.  Have a safe drive home."

Want a feeling for what this album sounds like? Pretend you and your date are going out to your local Community College for a Thursday evening (yes, Thursday evening) musical program, back in the mid-'60s. Neither of you attend said Community College, nor do you know anyone who goes there, but admission is only $2 and what the hell, right?  Well, it's the Holiday season, so you're expecting to hear some Christmas songs (that's a no-brainer) so after you guys pick up some complimentary hot chocolates and take your seats (first come first serve, folks), the 'show' starts. 

The theater and music clubs that put this on then take the stage, all dressed in black turtlenecks. There's interpretive dance, there's a small collection of beatnik musicians at the rear of the stage (all clearly high as kites), and there's a lot of spoken word deliverance between the music numbers, delivered by angry-looking women who seem to hate the Holidays just as much as they hate the Patriarchy. 

At the end of the evening, on the drive home, your date doesn't say a f***ing word to you. And you never hear from them again.

Sound like fun?  Of course it doesn't.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (Turns out 'scat' does mean shit.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CII

Fasten your seat belts, America - it's time to shoot off to the tropical, Holiday land of. . . Wisconsin. . .

Album Title:  Christmas Aloha

Album Artist:  Mark & Diane - The Hawaiians

I couldn't help myself with this one.  This looks like one of the hokiest Christmas albums I've ever seen, and the promise of a Hawaiian-themed Christmas was too much to pass up.  Even if the music itself was an absolute train wreck - which it was bound to be - the album artwork alone was easily worth the $1 I spent on it.

So, looking at the photos that grace the front and back of this album sleeve, I'm assuming these two - Mark and Diane - are husband and wife, and if this is indeed the case then it should be equally assumed that the two young kids here are their offspring.  They all look related at any rate, they're all clearly Hawaiians, right?

It'd be pretty cringy if they had a casting call for 'Little Hawaiian Girls' just to put this album artwork together.

On closer inspection, what kinda weirds me out about the photos on this album sleeve is the fact that nothing that we see here - aside from Mark and Diane's hideous, matching shirts - exudes a 'Hawaiian' vibe in the slightest.  The kids are wearing long-sleeved and panted pajamas, as if it's cold out.  There's a Christmas tree (which, I believe, is not native to the Hawaiian Islands.)  There's a frickin' fireplace, which, you know, probably isn't needed in the tropical climate of the South Pacific (God knows we didn't have a fireplace in our houses down in Orlando.)  

For all we know, these guys might not even be from Hawaii.  This family probably lives in Wisconsin.

The same could be said about the music on this album, too - the title 'Christmas Aloha,' and the 'band' name 'The Hawaiians' is incredibly misleading.  Aside from the opening intro track of Side A 'Mele Kalikimaka' (which is only like a minute long, and sounds so forced that Bing's version comes across as sounding more authentic to the region), NOTHING on this album comes even close to sounding 'Hawaiian.'  

The whole album is an outright lie.

Diane does most of the singing on this album, and she sings well enough - in that woman-singing-at-church sorta way (you know, doing the whole tremolo thing too much) - with Mark coming in once and awhile to provide backing vocals in a higher-than-you'd expect pitch.  I'm not sure if what we have here is like an Ike and Tina Turner thing, where he just gets equal billing because he's a man and she does most of the heavy lifting, and he likes to think of himself as the 'brains' behind the operation.  I don't think I care enough to research this further.

Musically this sounds like a gospel album.  Apart from a medley on Side A, all the tunes on this LP are religious numbers, and while it's not all pipe-organ-and-bells (like you get with some churchy-sounding albums), it's got that Christian, G-rated sound to it that offends no one and could be played in front of the elderly and young children without ruffling any feathers. 

The arrangements, which definitely have that dated, late '70s, locally-recorded feel, all sound the same, and bleed into each other in a bland smear of Sunday service noise.  Lots of high-reaching notes, lots of pomp with horn flourishes and vocal belt-outs, plenty of xylophone.  They're really over-reaching with the production on this one, like Diane is trying her damnedest to be Julie Andrews, instead of, you know, some Wisconsin housewife with Hawaiian ancestry.  Mark just tries to stay relevant through the album, popping up once and awhile to let everyone know he's still there, and - on hilarious occasion - flexing his chops to give off a Pavoratti-ish warble that falls as flat as his six-inch lapels.

In summary, this album had to have been a definite kick to the balls for anyone who went out of their way to purchase a Hawaiian-themed Christmas album.  I bet the folks from their church loved it - because, you know, it showcased the diversity of their congregation (I guess) - but besides them, I bet a lot of folks were left pretty pissed off having spent money on this one.

I know I am.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (A dumpy couple from Everywhere, USA cons folks out of a few bucks by recording a church album with the false promise of 'Hawaiian' music, exploiting their children along the way.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. LXXVII

Well folks, it looks like we're about to get some multi-cultural Christmas spirit up in here this evening.  Hold on to your butts. . . 

Album Title:  Christmas Around the World

Album Artist:  Svend Saaby Choir

Okay, first things first:  you can't really call an album Christmas Around the World when the only nations you're pulling jams from is White People Countries.  If you're gonna call it anything, call it Christmas Around Europe (feat. USA.)  And don't give me that bullshit about "wElL tHoSe ArE tHe OnLy CoUnTrIeS tHaT cElEBrAtE cHrIsTmAs."  Most Latin American countries do, too.  So do Eastern European countries, for that matter.  And a shit-load of Asia.

For f***'s sake, people.

Secondofly, let's not give any false impression here concerning the 'Christmas' songs that are being pulled from around the world.  The album promises, one would think, songs that culturally summarize the nation they hail from.  For example, this 'Good King Wenceslas,' from England - that one makes sense, 100%.  It sounds rather English, I should think.

But what about the American song?  When you think 'America,' dear readers, what Christmas selections come to mind?  Are you thinking it might be something classic and rock n' roll at heart, like 'Run Rudolph Run,' by Chuck motherf***ing Berry?  Or some other fun Holiday jam that highlights everything that is America ("I Wanna Hippopotamus for Christmas," perhaps?)

Just look at these. . . . classics.

Nope.  The good ol' U.S. of A. instead brought to the table two lackluster pieces - 'O, Little Town of Bethlehem' and 'Rise Up, Shepherd.'  For Christ's sake, I haven't even heard of that latter one.

I neglected to put two and two together when purchasing this album (I think from Radio Wasteland, but who knows), but all it is a collection of boring church carols.  Some you've heard of, others you haven't.  Now, technically these are Christmas songs, fine. . . but there's nothing fun to be had, here.  I don't care what language the choir is singing in, it's still a boring church service, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.  There's a fun little Spanish song on Side 2, I guess, but it's like 45 seconds long. . . then you're right back to where you started.  Trying not to doze off in church.

What kinda irritates me with this compilation is that it's a cool concept that had lot of promise at one point, but instead ended up getting slathered in blandness.  Instead of selecting songs that highlight the culture of every country, they select songs that all sound the same (boring church arrangements) and then just have the choir  - oh, yes, it's the same choir for all the songs on this release - sing the songs in different languages.  The Svend Saaby Choir, ladies and gentlemen.  They're not even professional singers - just folks who like singin'.

Good grief.

I mean, how cool would it be to have, say, 'Run Rudolph Run' for the U.S. of A, 'Good King Wenceslas' by England, 'Feliz Navidad' by Mexico (I assume), then a bunch of random-ass jams that represent the Holidays in other countries from Nigeria to Japan?  I'd spend money on that, for sure.  I'm sure some of those tracks would be straight-up garbage, but it'd be a hell of an entertaining listen at least.

Not like this empty shell of a once-intriguing idea, all crammed up with your grandparents' favorite church music.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (Behold - The Blands Across the World.  I was gonna give this a '4' for just being boring, but I'm slightly irritated with this release 'cause it was a pretty cool concept that they just frickin' botched all to hell.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian