The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CVII

Ladies and Gentledudes of the Internet, I present to you now the return of America's Greatest Yuletide Event:

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey.

You readers all know by now that systematically going through every, last one of my Christmas albums during the Holidays and scrutinizing the holy hell out of 'em is, without a doubt, one of my favorite Holiday traditions. This borderline weird past time of mine - a perfect storm that marries the OCD/Hough analytical side of my personality with my love of music, vinyl collecting, and the Holidays in general -  has been around since I first got into vinyl, back in 2005. Even that far back, when my collection was probably only a dozen or so LP's and compilations my Dad gave to me (or I otherwise picked up at a thrift store) and about three-dozen boxed sets I got from my Granny, I began diving deep into musty, Holiday music, cocktail in hand, and discovering all kinds of Christmas music - the good, the bad, and the ugly. Ten years later, the first year we moved back to Michigan, I began recording my analysis on this here family blog of ours, and now - seven years and over one hundred frickin' installments later - this ongoing Holiday tradition of mine runs like a well-oiled, yuletide machine.

So now, seeing how it's the first installment of this year's season of vinyl reviewin', I'll once again direct your attention to the sacred rating scale we use around these parts:

10 - . . . And Out Come the Wolves (a symbol of perfection, and arguably one of the greatest albums made in the last thirty years)

9 - Cowabunga! (if it makes you want to shout like a Ninja Turtle, you know it's good.)

8 - Awesome (worthy of repeated spins during the Holidays)

7 - Pretty Rad (generally, in order for an album of mine to stay in Holiday Season Rotation, it needs to be rated '7' and up.)

6 - Decent (once and awhile a '6' makes it into constant rotation, but only if it satisfies a previously-vacant Holiday music niche.  These albums almost always get 'Shelved':  I hold on to them - for the time being - but they lose turntable time for the duration of the Season.)

5 - Meh  (anything below this point is almost always put into my annual 'Donate to Goodwill' pile)

4 - Borophyll (there may be some redeeming qualities here that might make albums at this score appeal to some people, but definitely not Yours Truly.)

3 - Seriously? (comically bad, if you will.)

2 - Reality TV (there's only one thing shittier than Reality TV in my opinion, and that is. . .)

1 - Ohio (the Ninth Circle of Hell)

Good.  Now that everyone's been refreshed with how shit works around here, let's just go ahead and get started, shall we. . .

Album Title:  The Golden Glow of Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

This one was among a stack of crappy, used vinyl that I picked up at Radio Wasteland a year or two ago (every year I go in to my local record store and drop about $20 - $25 on dollar store records to add to my To Analyze stack - I'm probably sitting on, like, fifty albums to review at this point.) I'll review them, give them a score, then drop them back off to Jim in a month or two. Usually I get some kind of a trade-in deal for 'em, so it all comes out in the wash in the end.

I kinda knew, going into this one, what I was getting myself into; probably '4' or '5' territory, based solely on the artist line-up. Probably not going to be great by any means, but also nothing overly cringe-worthy or comically bad. Just your usual quasi-boring, run-of-the-mill, 1950s/1960s Christmas compilation. God knows I've reviewed, like, forty or fifty of these sum'bitches over the last eight years.

Well, here's another one to add to that list.

Kicking things off, we have the New York Philharmonic's take on the "Hallelujah Chorus" from Handel's Messiah. Not unheard of on a holiday compilation - I've seen it multiple times before - but it's far from ideal. I wouldn't call this song Christmas 'mainstream' by any means, but rather a classical piece that's worked its way into church music over the last couple hundred years. Its appearance on holiday albums makes sense when the album in question is solely religious music (usually the case), but on a compilation that features non-religious music (such as this one) the song's inclusion is asinine. While the rendition of the song is great - no complaints here, Leonard Bernstein - it doesn't vibe well with the rest of the track list.

If you're a fan of Johnny Mathis, Doris Day, Julie Andrews, Jerry Vale, Tony Bennett or Barbara Streisand, you'd appreciate their numbers here. Nothing extraordinary or god-awful to be found on either side of this album, just the usual yuletide malaise from the same assortment of Christmas Regulars that pop up on compilations like this one. 

What would Mathis' take on 'White Christmas' sound like? It sounds exactly like you'd think it would. 

No one takes any risks with their assigned songs - they've been doing this long enough, they know how the deal works. Show up, record your song, collect your paycheck, and go home to probably scarf down a handful of amphetamines or whatever the hell all these guys were addicted to back in the 50s/60s.

'It Came Upon a Midnight Clear', courtesy of Ray Conniff & The Singers is a solid number - I'm a big fan of their Holiday album, We Wish You a Merry Christmas - and Arthur Fiedler and the Boston Pops Orchestra deliver with their well-known number 'Anderson: Sleigh Ride' (the commonly-used rendition that features the big brass sound that's one-part Christmas and two-parts College Football Marching Band at Half-Time.) 

Alas, these two numbers are the only two stand-outs in an otherwise run-of-the-mill, snoozefest of a Holiday comp that comes courtesy of the good folks over at JC Penney. 

Perhaps if those guys had been better at putting together Christmas records they'd still be in business.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (This album is 'being dragged to JC Penney by your mom on a Sunday afternoon to buy an uncomfortable pair of khaki slacks for Christmas card pictures,' in music form.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. C

*cue elaborate fanfare*

We did it, folks.  100 Episodes of the greatest Holiday Vinyl review series on the World Wide Web (I assume - I doubt there's another asshole out there doing this.)

Because this is a special event (of sorts), I decided to mix things up a little bit with this installment.  It felt like too much of an honor for any shitty, old Christmas album pulled out of a dollar bin at a local record store to be scrutinized on this 100th Episode.  So, instead, I decided to re-evaluate a few of the past installments that were deemed acceptable enough to remain in my collection, but are now getting donated.

Bottom line is I'm running out of room in my Christmas Music crate - some of these mediocre LPs needed to be liquidated in order to make room for new additions later on down the road.  And, odds are, we'll be having another one of these mass-execution episodes in a few years - I can't just keep buying records and keeping them.  Kris would kill me.

So, without further adieu, here's the list of those old relics that are being taken out to pasture:

Album Title:  Remembering Christmas with the Big Bands

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Featured On:  Ep. 2 (Nov. 23, 2015)

Rating:  6

This album wasn't terrible, per se, but in the seven years since I reviewed this one I haven't put it on the turntable to listen to once.  Not once.  Jazz is one of those genres where you have to be in the right mood for it, and when that rare mood arises during the Holiday season when I feel like listening to jazz, I usually gravitate towards the likes of the Vince Guaraldi Trio, Sinatra, or Bing.  Sorry, Glenn Miller and Co., but the ship has sailed for you guys.

I'm sure there are thousands of World War II vets rolling in their graves over this decision, but whatever.

Album Title:  Your Favorite Christmas Music, Volume 4

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Featured On:  Ep. 6 (Dec. 1, 2015)

Rating:  6

Another perfect example of 'this is okay, but I have other LPs that are better.'  This compilation from the good people over at Firestone (seriously, what the f***) is fine example of contemporary '50s/60s music that was all the rage back in the day, but was over-shadowed by the counter-culture surge of Rock and Roll and 'the negro music.'  Traditional artists doing larger-than-necessary renditions of Christmas classics.  I honestly can't believe I gave this one a '6' seven years ago - had I reviewed this today it would probably be a '4' or a '5,' but back then I was new-ish at analyzing Christmas albums and was a little nicer when giving out scores.  Now that I'm a grumpy old man, I realize that this sounds like so many other boring Holiday albums I've reviewed over the years, and it has no business being in my record collection.

Sorry, (Mary Poppins.)

Album Title:  Enchantment of Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Featured On:  Ep. 10 (Dec. 8, 2015)

Rating:  7

This one is actually pretty good, and I don't have anything negative to really say about it - it's a great compilation of 50s/60s Christmas music.  Unfortunately, this version is in that VG/G+ range in terms of sound quality: no skips or pops, but some definite surface noise, and if I'm going to hold on to a record I want to make sure I have a decent copy of it.  More than that, however, is the fact that I already have every, last one of these songs on a multi-record, boxed set that's in NM condition, so owning this LP is, honestly, kinda redundant. 

Album Title:  The Little Drummer Boy

Album Artist:  The Abbey Chorale

Featured On:  Ep. 17 (Dec. 20, 2015)

Rating:  6

This one I felt bad about getting rid of at first, but then I realized the error in my ways back in 2015.  See, when I first reviewed this one, I wrongly assumed that this version of 'The Little Drummer Boy' was the definitive one - the classic one from the 1950's that everyone knows.  I can't be faulted too much for that, because it sounds nearly identical, but the version I was thinking about was the famous rendition by The Harry Simeone Chorale (1958.)  That (better) version I already own on an existing Holiday compilation, so there's no reason for me owning an album such as this if the only reason I'm doing so is because of that song.  The rest of the album is okay - like I said before, it's churchy, but done well - but I've rarely listened to it in the years since reviewing it the first time.  

I don't get the need to listen to church music very often (if ever), so this one's getting pitched as well.

Album Title:  What if Mozart Wrote Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas?

Album Artist:  The Hampton String Quartet

Featured On:  Ep. 22 (Dec. 1, 2016)

Rating:  6

I love Classical music, and I love Christmas music, so this one should be a knock out of the park, but it just doesn't work for me.  I've actually listened to this one on occasion since hearing it for the first time back in 2016, and every time I do so I get bored with it.  It's a cool enough concept in theory, but the execution doesn't leave one with feeling the Yuletide vibes at all.  Most of the songs on here require active listening in order to identify a familiar Holiday melody, and that kinda dampens this one on the ol' Fun scale.

Album Title:  A Merry Christmas to You

Album Artist:  David Rose and His Orchestra

Featured On:  Ep. 71 (Dec. 8, 2020)

Rating:  6

This is a pretty solid instrumental album, and sounds like the orchestral, backing music to any one of the countless '50s compilations I've reviewed in the past.  It sounds like the sort of music Sinatra or Bing sang over, and it's mixed well - great background music for the Holiday season.  That being said, this copy is in pretty rough shape, and I have other instrumental albums that I gravitate more towards during the Holiday season.  Like I stated originally, there aren't a lot of highs and lows on this album to keep the listener engaged:  the medleys keep things from getting too boring, but a lot of it starts to sound the same after awhile.  All in all, I'd recommend it for sure if a.) you have a decent copy and b.) don't have anything else similar in your collection.

Album Title:  Christmas with The Canadian Brass and the Great Organ of St. Patrick's Cathedral

Album Artist:  The Canadian Brass

Featured On:  Ep. 90 (Dec. 15, 2021)

Rating:  6

How this LP still works is beyond me - it's not bad at all, but it's not necessarily great either.  It's just okay.  Like all of the other albums in today's post, there's not a lot to complain about, but there are better options in my collection, and I have to trim fat from somewhere.  I held on to this one because of the sheer balls of the brass section - it's not a sound you hear often on a Christmas album, so last year I deemed it was worth holding on to.  I would probably still be holding on to it if I hadn't just had my socks blown off a few days ago when reviewing this similar-but-better, brass-heavy Christmas album.

VERDICT:  n/a (We bid farewell to a few mediocre installments from the previous seven or eight years that were once deemed good enough to remain in Holiday Rotation, but shall now walk The Green Mile in order to make room for new additions in the coming years.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian