The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XVII

Time for another Holly, Jolly episode of vinyl-scrutinizin', America.  Hold on to yer butts. . .

Album Title:  The Little Drummer Boy

Album Artist:  Don Janse and His 60 Voice Children's Chorus

So. . . how many of you guys like checking out circuses?  What about circuses during the Holidays?  That might be a stretch, I agree; I don't really know of circuses that travel around the country during the winter.  Elephants don't take too kindly to the snow and frigid temperatures - just ask Hannibal Barca of Carthage -  BOOM  (. . . that's what I call a historical reference, folks.)  

This kid looks a Gypsy.  And I say that as racistly as humanly possible.

Okay, so circuses are out. . . what about carnivals?  You guys like going to carnivals for the Holidays?  Poorly-managed, poorly-lit carnivals, where the rides are rusted and the vendor 'prizes' are creepily twenty or thirty years old.  How about clowns and toothless carnies - they cool?

Sound Christmas-y to anyone out there?

No?

Well, then this shit-fest of an album shouldn't, either.  Because that's what this is, America:  a shady carnival with frozen, dead elephants, toothless hordes of drifters, and the scariest children's choir this side of Neverland.

Of course this came from Grandpa Jones. . .

Perhaps I can win you over with this steaming pile of once-chestnuts.  What if I threw in whirling organs and polka keyboards?  No other instruments, just keyboards and organs; maybe some jingle bells here and there, but I really think the emphasis needs to be placed on the creepy-ass children singing along with the oompa-oompa melody.

Seriously.  The music on this album sounds like someone (probably a cigar-smoking chimp) wound up a music box and let the shit fly (probably literally.)

I don't know who Don Janse is, but if I ever meet him in person I think I'm going to punch him square in the junk.

This doesn't make me think of Christmas at all.  It makes me want to hug my children close and never let them go.

But not in a heartwarming way.

VERDICT:  1/10 - Ohio  (I'm sleeping with the lights on tonight.)

- SHELVED -

Album Title:  The Little Drummer Boy

Album Artist:  The Abbey Choir

Is this a dude?

This outing from the Abbey Choir (I say that as if you or I have any idea of who the hell these people are) is a much more solid album than the previous Little Drummer Boy.   Instead of creepy organs and kids singing off-key, we have a proper, church-ish choir, which doesn’t necessarily work when singing ‘fun’ Christmas songs like ‘Jingle Bells’ or ‘White Christmas’ (you hearing me, Great Songs of Christmas?), but really knocks it out of the park when it comes to the more serious, religious carols.

The version of the title track on this album is pretty famous - you’ve heard it before, I guarantee it.  A choir, the females singing angelically while the dudes sing ‘Hrum. Hrum-hrum hrum,’ and it slowly builds to a crescendo as the song progresses.  Know which one I’m talking about?

Of course you do.

Anyway, if every track on this album was as prolific as ‘The Little Drummer Boy,’ you’d have a solid ‘7’ on your hands.  Maybe an ‘8.’  Sadly, the title track stands out as the home run on this record, while the rest of the carols get the usual treatment.  The choir does well, and the songs are pleasant, but there’s not a whole lot here that differentiates it from all of the rest of the holiday music I’ve reviewed thus far.  A few songs are presented well, but the rest - while not bad - is kinda forgettable.

Still, the album represents that niche genre within the broader Christmas range that is important, and should be kept in rotation throughout the Holiday season.  This may be the best ‘religious’ album I have for the Holiday season, and so, despite its lower score, I think I’ll make an exception to my ‘7 and up’ rule and keep it out for the remainder of the Holidays.  If only to have on hand when I’m feeling more ‘churchy.’

(. . . though you can imagine how often that happens.) 

VERDICT:   6/10 - Decent  (May God have mercy on its soul. . .)

- REMAINS IN ROTATION -

- Brian