The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CXXII

Hey there. Let's jump into this one and, well, just see what we can wrap our heads around . .

Album Title:  A Christmas to Remember

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Right off the bat, I should let you guys know that this was one of the more difficult albums I've had to review for the Holidays. I first spotted it at Radio Wasteland in the dusty-as-all-hell Dollar Bin, and right away I thought this was going to be a total crap-fest, considering:

No, that's not The Band - it's The Christmas Boogie Band. Huge difference.

1.)  I didn't recognize a single artist on the track listing on the back of the sleeve, which is rarely a good sign. I mean, how hard is it really to book a C- or D-List artist for a Holiday record? How many absolute train wrecks have we seen over the years featuring abysmal 'talent' in their track listings? These dudes are always clamoring for spots on Christmas compilations like this, that's pretty much all they had once their mainstream careers began to dry up. 

2.)  The cover art is. . . something. You have Santa Claus, flying across a wintery landscape, like he's been known to do - directly in front of the moon like he's in E.T. or some shit. Down below on the ground is a herd of wild horses, watching on in what I can only assume is awe at the passing spectacle. Horses are skittish animals, guys, so this probably freaked them right the f*** out. Seeing a dude repeatedly cracking a whip across the backs of their quadruped cousins (are horses and reindeer distantly related?) as THEY FLY ACROSS THE SKY, IN CLEAR DEFIANCE OF GOD'S WILL.

Clearly whoever whipped this together was high as a damn kite.

But I digress. Let's get back to the point of this whole entry here, folks - let's analyze what this thing actually sounds like. 

Dropping the needle on Side A, we're met with some upbeat Tijuana-ish, South-of-the-Border jazz. As you all well know by now, this is most definitely my jam. I sat up, took notice, and was like, 'Oh damn, we might have a surprise keeper on our hands here!'

Remember this one, gang? Colored vinyl pressing of Christmas Disco for $12?

Then, right on its heels, came something different - a full-blown, Salsoul Orchestra-ish rendition of 'Jingle Bells.' Jarring, sure, considering it was preceded by a completely different sound, but not horrible: both were upbeat, fun instrumentals that one could definitely be entertained by, and they were done well (mixing, arrangement, performance - no complaints.) 

The next track also had some disco elements to it, but featured a male singer delivering some straight-up yacht rock vocals over the funkiness. 2015 Brian would not have cared for this in the slightest, but 2024 Brian, folks, is all here for the Yacht Rock.

I was hoping the trend would continue as Side A progressed, but the ol' bucket of ice water was dashed in my face pretty fast when the next track kicked off. A polka number. Heavy on the organ, no accordion to be found, so that it comes across more as a carnival ride soundtrack than an actual Polish take on Christmas. Definitely cringy, but all of these songs clock in under the 2-minute mark, so I was willing to take a point off and continue on my merry way. Fortunately, the next song is a return to Yacht Rock/Disco territory, which, while not my favorite sort of yuletide genre in the slightest, was at least following a discernible trend.

Magnum P.I. and Slenderman enjoy a sleigh ride on a magical winter's night. 

The last track on Side A, while not horrible, was a country/western instrumental done all on a quartet of guitars. And though out of place here (though the 'place,' by this point in time, is starting to get hard to keep track of), it was a decent little track. No, where everything falls of the rails in major fashion is upon flipping the record over on to Side B. . .

It's a piano-led orchestral number. Slow, serene, and it doesn't sound anything like Christmas music. It's like they pressed two different mini-albums onto one frickin' record. No more upbeat, fun music. No more Tijuana jazz, no more disco, no more yacht rock. Now it's time for introspection.

I had a bad feeling that this album was themed (I've reviewed albums in the past that were released like this), with one side the 'upbeat' Christmas music - the fun carols, etc. - and the other side the 'serious' Christmas music (you know, the 'Reason for the Season' and all that crap.)  

I hate it when albums do this.

Well, they definitely weren't kidding with the 'all the different ways you feel' crap.

My fears were well-founded, as it turns out. The next couple tracks were all filled with the usual, boring church bullshit: lots of organ, lots of hand bells, chimes, harpsichords, harmonicas (courtesy of a group called The Harmonicats - seriously, I guess that's a thing that exists), and - of course - swelling string sections. It was bad enough just as mere instrumental tracks, but by the third or fourth song in, they start rolling out the usual, overly-brash male vocals - because belting out religious carols makes it hit harder, I guess - and the standard, old-lady-warbling that you generally hear at a church service you're dragged to during the Holiday Season.

This whole album sounds like some mid-level record company executive asked his sound engineers what masters were lying around the label's studio that hadn't been previously released on prior Holiday compilations. The poor sound dudes, sighing deeply and shaking their heads, came out with a dusty cardboard box filled with a 13 reels of various songs (from all kinds of frickin' genres.) They informed this douchey superior of theirs that these reels were all that was left, but they were from various sessions over the years and there wasn't any continuity to speak of.

Then the executive, in his infinite wisdom, said 'screw it' and told them to mix them all up and have the shit pressed for release.

If it were possible to rate each side separately, I'd probably rate Side A a 6.5 (not that we condone the '0.5' system around here) and Side B a 4. But, because we are a society with f***ing rules, I can't do that, and as such, will be slapping one, big rating on the entire album as a whole.  And I'm not happy about it. At all.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh  (Almost good, but damn - this album does to 'compilations' what Michael Bay did to Transformers. It's so random that I want to prescribe it ADHD meds and get it in to therapy.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XCVIII

It's been a loooong time comin', folks, but I do believe we finally have ourselves a winner here with this one. . .

Album Title:  Winter Wonderland

Album Artist:  The Brass Band

Good God.  I almost didn't think we'd ever find ourselves back in the realm of 'decent' music again, as we've been trudging through the muck and mire of the usual 3 - 5 range for over a year now.  This one, for sure, came as a shocker - didn't think this would be the one to get us back on track.

I mean, I picked this up from Radio Wasteland earlier in the year with zero expectations.  Campy '60s album cover art, generic title and track listing, no back information on the band or production to speak of, the subtle mention of 'brass,' etc. I assumed this was going to be just another offering of louder-than-needed brass, playing traditional Christmas songs.  Maybe I'd write up something witty about the fact that the lady on the album cover looks like she dipped her hand in wet cement and the cheap album art people tried to pass it off as 'snow.'  You know, that old trope. 

Now, when it comes to '60s instrumental albums (such as this one), I've found that 'brass' can mean one of four things:  traditional marches, Dixieland jazz, Tijuana jazz, or polka.

This one, believe it or not, is all four combined.  

Not only that, dear readers, but most of the time these musicians are switching back and forth between styles multiples times within the same song.  Sometimes a part of song comes across like Tijuana/Herb Alpert-ish Latin brass, but then other times it ditches everything South of the Border and instead makes a beeline straight for the whorehouses of 'Nawlins for some good ol' fashioned Dixieland jazz.  Then, next thing you know, there's a marimba trill, the tempo slows, and suddenly the Latin vibe kicks right back up again.  All within the same song.

It shouldn't work - from a musical standpoint, this is suicide - but holy shit, guys.  This one has restored my faith in humanity.

So, taking a closer look at the sound of this release, this album is definitely your stereotypical, full-band, '60s instrumental, featuring accents of the usual marimbas, surf guitar, bongos, etc.  But first and foremost, of course is the big, ballsy brass band, which takes front and center stage as it ducks-and-weaves through marches, polkas, sambas, tangos, cha-cha, you name it.  

What's crazy is that this album is so good I tried to find out who exactly did the recording of this album so I could add the album to one of my Amazon 'Holiday' playlists.  Sadly, there's no information on the back of the album to speak of - just a listing of other Holiday offerings from some obscure, likely-out-of-business record company.  Wikipedia had nothing on them (Gene Riley'd once again, folks), but neither did Google: all I found was a random Youtube video playing the album with the cover art as the video image, with the caption 'Forgotten LPs.'

Not a good sign.

Sadly, there are only ten short tracks on this offering, and each of the songs is somewhat short, which means this is a fast listen.  In other bad news, I'm going to have to get another copy of this pressing off of Discogs, because there's a pop on Track 1 of Side B of my copy that lasts about five or six seconds, juuuust enough to piss me off.  And something as unique as this LP requires a silent pressing, guys - something Near Mint, for sure.  Fortunately I was able to find a suitable copy easily enough (for $2.99 plus $6 shipping, if that tells you anything), so that problem will be remedied soon.

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome (The long-awaited Sleeper Hit of the season, coming out of left-field armed with an unknown 'Brass Band' that doesn't care in the slightest what kind of music you wanted to listen to before, you're gonna listen to what they're gonna play now and you're gonna like it.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. LXXV

 Finally.  Time to liven up the ol' turntable with a solid helping of Yuletide badass-ness. . .

Album Title:  Complete Christmas Songbook

Album Artist:  Los Straitjackets

This is a FUN Christmas album.  I had never heard of Los Straitjackets before, outside of a couple songs they had released on existing compilations I own, and that I always thought were good jams.  When I saw this two-disc, brand new collection of every Holiday song these guys have ever recorded in their thirty-plus year career (yes, this band has been around that long), for an unheard of $6 on Amazon, I had no choice but to pull the trigger.

And that, dear readers, may be one of the best purchased I've ever made on Amazon.  Ever.

Folks, this holiday collection is practically flawless.  This is The Ventures with a Tijuana seasoning (despite that all these guys are gringos from Nashville, which you totally wouldn't guess from their sound and love of wearing Mexican Wrestling masks.)  This band dishes out an explosive mix of classic surf guitar and energetic drumming (with a twist of salt and lime) that roars out of the starting gate without once tripping up on its feet.  This truly sounds like a band that has played together for years - military-precision timing tells you these guys can anticipate one another's playing styles, which creates enjoyable, crisp, well-executed arrangements that perfectly capture every single Holiday song in a way that does each song justice, while maintaining the band's own signature sound.

I hate to say it folks, and you might think I'm crazy for sayin' it, but these guys do a better job of being The Ventures than The Ventures do.  There.  I said it.

There really isn't a weak song on this entire release, though I will admit that their strengths lie in their faster numbers.  Nothing necessarily wrong with their slower numbers, but they're clearly not as well-centered in the band's comfort zone.  

This album is perfect for so many situations, too.  Having a party?  Throw this sum'bitch on the turntable, no question.  Gift wrapping presents?  This one is perfect.  Decorating a Christmas tree?  Yup.  Driving around, looking at Christmas lights?  Can't think of a better album to listen to.  In all honesty, the only situation I can think of that this wouldn't be suitable for is, perhaps, sitting in a church service.  Or looking at one of those live-action Nativity scenes.

And even then, I'd still probably be cool with this.

As far as instrumental records go, this one very well may be in my Top Three.  Like, right up there with Vince Guaraldi Trio's Charlie Brown Christmas.  I think what eventually takes this one down a peg is the fact that, much like other albums I've reviewed over the years, many of these songs start to sound the same after awhile.  If this was a ten-track album, this might not be too big of a deal. . . but there are 27 tracks on this release, and most of them have a very similar sound.  That, and there's a couple 'live' songs at the end of Side D where there are actually vocals here and there, which, after three sides of pure instrumentals, is kinda like having a bucket of cold water thrown in your face.

Minor gripes, really, but there you go.

VERDICT:  9/10 - Cowabunga! (You'd be hard-pressed to find a better instrumental Holiday album.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XLI

Hola, Jam Lovers.

For this installment, we're headed South of the Border.  Vamanos.

Album Title:  Sing Merry Christmas

Album Artist:  Tijuana Voices with Brass

This is, quite possibly, the most racist album in my Holiday record collection.  I mean, granted, this was another time - the swingin' Sixties - when dressing up like other ethnicities wasn't only acceptable, but widely-appreciated.  Now, I enjoy a good racist joke as much as the next guy; I don't discriminate when it comes to races, either - I make fun of any and all races, because I believe in equality.  Even I, with my warped sense of humor, can recognize this wouldn't have long to live on a store shelf if released in 2018.  Just look at this album artwork:

This is the Mexican equivalent to these folks slathering on Blackface.  No bueno, Tijuana Voices.

That being said, this album is pretty good for what it is.  I was really disappointed when the album kicked off, Track 1 of Side A, and it sounded more like a marching band instead of the usual Tijuana swing.  "What the hell is this?" I grumbled, as car sound effects and crowd noises accompanied the out-of-place marching band.  Was I about to be bamboozled by these mustachioed, wanna-be Mexicano imposters?

Then - thank Big Baby Jesus - the band kicked in, and balance was restored to the Tijuana Universe (Universa de Tijuana.)  A big brass section?  Check.  Maracas?  Check.  Dated '60s keyboards?  Check.  Nothing out of the ordinary, here - this sounds like just about every other Tijuana album I've listened to.  That distinctive swing of '60s Latin music made popular by Senor Herb Alpert, and blasted from living room Hi-Fi's throughout the senior citizen stratosphere for decades.

While possibly forgettable, it's far from some of the gut-wrenching horribleness of previous entries.  And for that, it gets a big 'gracias,' from Yours Truly.  In fact, the only qualm I have with this one - besides the blatantly racist album cover - is the Tijuana Singers themselves.  They don't even have the decency of hiring authentic Tijuanan Mexicanos to sing these songs.  They get the WHITEST people on Earth - probably from Minnesota - dress them up in traditional Mexican costumes, and have them sing Christmas songs along to Tijuanan jazz.  It doesn't blend well at all.  

In fact, it sounds EXACTLY like the album cover looks.  Which, to me, is insane.

A bit hokey for regular listening, so this one's going back into the bin, sadly.  The instrumental numbers are pretty good, next time they need to issue Work Visas for the real thing.

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent (This is a pretty good Tijuana Christmas album, but the Whitest Singers on Earth drop it down a solid point or two, unfortunately.)

- SHELVED -

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XXIX

Welcome back, fans.  For today's installment, we're headed south of the border for some Tijuana-fashioned yuletide jammage. . .

Album Title:  Christmas Album

Album Artist:  Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass

I picked up this gem during last February's great Record haul with Dad.  It was a buck, it's a Tijuana Christmas album, it's a no-brainer.

It should go without saying that anyone sitting down and putting this record on their turntable knows exactly what they're getting themselves into.  Herb's trumpet is prominent on most tracks, with his band's '60s laid-back swing backing him up on familiar Holiday standards.  It's unoffensive, familiar, and doesn't take any chances with the well-known material - which, for a pigeon-holed genre artist like this band, is probably a safe gamble.  Still, it leaves you wanting a little bit more in terms of arrangement.

When I picked this up, I was honestly expecting a more upbeat Tijuana-styled album from Herb and Co.  Not so much with this record.  This LP is straight-up, '60s, holiday cocktail music, with a Latin-infused twist.  Like several holiday albums I've reviewed previously, this is turtleneck sweater-wearing, cigarette-smoking, holiday-themed martini-sipping music one would place on their living room Hi-Fi while they entertain their neighborhood guests.  Only, in Tijuana.

(Why someone would wear a turtleneck sweater in Mexico is beyond me - it's hot as shit down there.)

"Hey amigos, anybody down for a nap?"

Anyway, the music, despite it's obvious Latin sound, is very '60s - just that slooooow, chill '60s swing.  It's much more chill than I would have expected.  I guess if you're a huge Herb Alpert fan - and you're probably not, as most Herb Alpert fans must be dead (that's all you can find in the record section at thrift stores anymore) - you can probably already guess what these slow jams of his sound like.  As if his band started falling asleep halfway through the recording process and Mr. Alpert just said 'screw it' and kept the tapes rolling.

I love me some Holiday, well-wishing, 'from our house to yours' messages on the back of Christmas albums. . .

All in all, it's an okay background LP, but not something I'd put on very often.  I rarely feel the need to wear a sweater and chill out with a martini in Mexico.

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent  (As expected, and definitely not too bad. . . just a little too chill for my liking.)

- SHELVED -

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XXVI

Feliz Navidad, muchachos (y muchachas.)

Album Title:  Tijuana Christmas

Album Artist:  The Border Brass Band

When I first stumbled across this gem in a thrift store, I nearly crapped my pants.  And that's something I haven't done in, like, twelve years.  Thereabouts.

Honestly, it's like this album was designed just for Yours Truly.  I mean, the cover itself looks like something Virgil Q's Dixieland Kazoo Revue would throw on their Christmas album (it's still in the works, fans.)  From the get-go, the hombre on the LP cover clearly catches one's eye, as it did mine when I was ruffling through stacks of Katie Smith, Mantovani, and Andy Williams.  Clearly this dude's getting into the spirit of Christmas.

Es muy bueno.

Badass cover art aside, this music collection is super badass, and I don't like to throw a multiplier like 'super' around readily, gang.  No, this really does earn the 'super':  instrumental arrangements of Holiday standards, given a Tijuana twist.  It sounds more or less exactly how I imagined it would.

This doesn't mean every track on here gets the mariachi treatment, mind you.  We've got some harpsichord interludes here and there in a few songs, as well as that spy-themed, swingin' '60s sound.  It might not sound like it'd blend well with the more Latin-ish, typical-Tijuana instrumentals (a la Herb Alpert, per se), but, if you think about it, an entire album of mariachi Christmas music might be a little too much.

Even for me.

This is the Christmas album they made for those movies where James Bond has to track down a Mexican arms dealer during the Holidays, and as he flies through the crowded streets of Tijuana in some sporty '60s coupe - with a hot-ass blonde sitting beside him in the passenger seat, exchanging machine gun fire with multiple banditos on motorcycles in hot pursuit, 007 learns the true meaning of Christmas.

. . .

Sounds like a pretty shitty movie, actually.  But at least we know now that it'd have a bitchin' soundtrack.

VERDICT:  9/10 - Cowabunga! (Aye dios mio! )

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XX

Merry Pre-Season, gang.  Let's get us some jammage analyzed. . .

Album Title:  Something Festive

Album Artist:  Various Artists

I think those of you out there who have been somewhat keeping up with this blog - specifically this Christmas Record Odyssey of mine - have caught on to the fact that Yours Truly enjoys his '60s music.  While not universally, at least frequently when it pertains to Christmas songs.  True, sometimes Christmas albums recorded in the '60s fall flat (you heard me, Johnny Mathis), but other times we find ourselves some true gems in the Holiday Music section of the Hough Family Record Collection.

This one, here, is. . . well, sort of in the middle.

This record, like others found in this year's run of Holiday music, was purchased on purpose from a local thrift shop for a mere 59 cents.  As such, my hopes weren't super high for this particular record, but given the cheesy cover art and some of the bands and songs on the track list, I was still anxious to give it a whirl on the 'ol Holiday turntable.

After listening to this album in its entirety, I'm satisfied with my spending less than a dollar on this.

Some of these songs, to be fair, are really good.  The instrumental Latin jams on here  (Herb Alpert, etc.) would definitely hold up all season long, as would Burt Bacharach's offerings:  why, I'd spend regular, non-thrift store money on a Christmas album if all it had were songs like these.  Those songs, on their own, would serve well as background music during a holiday cocktail party, with a bunch of older guys standing around in turtlenecks, perhaps eyeballing everyone else's wives while smoking cigars and not using coasters.

But, alas, those songs are not all that we have here.  We also have some really, really horrible songs on this album.

Most notably, there's a song called "Raggedy Ann & Raggedy Andy" that easily pulls this album down a a solid three points on my official one-to-ten scale, all by itself.  It's just brutal.  Nothing about it fits with the rest of the album:  there's nothing 'Latin,' 'jazzy,' or 'instrumental' about this song.  This not being an instrumental song is truly a shame, 'cause my main fault with this song is its vocal aspect.  What we appear to have here, upon listening to the song, is a drunken woman - the one and only Liza Minnelli, ladies and gentlemen - singing to a couple of shit-stained dolls in a dreary, long-neglected bedroom.

While that could be funny to watch - if not a little depressing, I suppose - it's not at all enjoyable to listen to.  It's so jarring I had a really hard time finishing it, and that's saying something.

Personally, if I want to hear Liza Minnelli make an ass of herself, I'll watch Arrested Development, thank you very much.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh  (The Good, the Bad, and the Minnelli:  it'd be a solid 7 if it were all Herb and Burt, but Liza and Co. drag it down into the Realm of Blegh.)

- SHELVED -