The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CXXVII

This one's gonna be a roller coaster, folks. Prepare thyself.

Album Title:  Ultimate Christmas

Album Artist:  Frank Sinatra

Guys, this was a frivolous purchase for Yours Truly. I've already reviewed a Sinatra Christmas album (Episode 49, 12/14/18), which scored a '9' easily because, well, it's Frank f***ing Sinatra and he's basically what I imagine God would sound like if God could sing.

(I mean, I'm sure God can sing, but like he probably doesn't really do so very often - why would he need to?)

Anyway, this 2-LP album is basically a collection of Sinatra's best known and best-selling Christmas music. The previous Sinatra album I reviewed - A Jolly Christmas - was a twelve-song burst of Yuletide awesomeness, with almost non-existent filler material to speak of. This release expands the track list to twenty songs, spread out over four sides of heavy, 180-gram vinyl that plays quiet and flawlessly. I was pissed when I first became aware of this album's existence, because I knew that even though I already owned like many of the songs (which can also be found on A Jolly Christmas), I had to have those remaining tracks.

I think the easiest way to handle this release is by taking a look at those Holiday songs on here that are not on the other one, otherwise I'm just re-reviewing all the same shit I've already done before. That being said, let's take a look at the new tracks to check out:

Side 1

Track 1: 'White Christmas'

This is a great song. Not as great as Bing's classic version (the version, if we're being honest here), because I think Sinatra kinda hovers between 'swinging' Sinatra and 'crooning' Sinatra and doesn't know which version of himself to commit to. Preferably, considering how Bing's already locked up the 'crooning' angle with his version, it would've been bad-ass to hear Sinatra come out swinging (like he does on 'Jingle Bells,' for example.)

Side 2

Track 4: 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town.' Okay, here we get swinging Sinatra. Dude sounds fired up with just enough scotch to get him feisty, but not to the point where it effects his speech or singing. You can practically here the cigarette smoke billowing over the microphone. This may be the best version of this song I've ever heard.

Side 3

Track 1: 'An Old Fashioned Christmas.' This one wasn't my favorite. Frank sounds great, but it's really slow and the arrangement isn't the best - it's too sappy and his voice doesn't match the overly-sentimental tone of the music. I've never heard this song before, it's not what you would consider a 'Holiday staple' by any means, so, you know. . . that doesn't help.

Track 2: 'I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day.' Another slow one, but Frank does know to deliver on this one. On the previous track, it was more than obvious he was reading off a lyrics sheet. With this one, he belts it out as if he clearly knows every word to it already. And that translates, folks.

Track 3: 'The Little Drummer Boy.' A solid version of this song, done in the same vein as the famous Harry Simeone Chorale. Not as great as that version, but still - no complaints whatsoever. See:'White Christmas' above.

Track 4: 'Whatever Happened to Christmas.' This was clearly recorded later on in his career. The track is bloated and over-the-top, but Frank sounds tired and run down. He's still got the voice, but man. . . it's exhausted. Again, this song suffers from the voice and music not necessarily pairing up well, and it doesn't help that this isn't a familiar favorite you can draw upon for reference.

Track 5: 'The Twelve Days of Christmas.' Wanna hear Frank (barely) sing this long-ass, repetitive Holiday song with his kids ? What about switched up lyrics? Because I don't. They try and sweeten the deal with a collection of backup singers that sound as if they just walked off the set of a Tim Burton movie, but that just ends up making matters worse. This is probably the worst song on this entire album.

Side 4

Track 1: 'The Bells of Christmas/Greensleeves.' So here's another one with Frank bringing his kids back into the recording studio, along with the Tim Burton backup singers. They made up some lyrics to the tune of 'Greensleeves' and called it good.  It's not. If it was only Frank, and the arrangement wasn't soooo dramatic, it'd be far better.

Track 2: 'I Wouldn't Trade Christmas.' What is happening?? Another one with his f***ing kids?! He has a Rat Pack, for Christ's sake - tap into those guys. This song is a transparent move on his part to elevate the star status of his coattail-riding brats, and I'm not about this in the slightest.

Track 3: 'A Baby Just Like You.' Well, at least this one wasn't recorded on Bring Your Kids to Work day. This is a much later addition to his catalog, recorded about five years before I was born. You can tell, because Frank sounds half dead. He can still sing better than most mortal men, but Jesus - comparing this to some of the bangers on the first record is just cruel.

Track 4: 'Christmas Memories.' Another tired effort from '75. This song - and the one that preceded it aren't recognizable carols, nor do they have the charm, spark, whatever-you-want-to-call-it to be new Holiday favorites. These are just tired ass songs being sung by someone's grandfather (who probably gets laid waaaaay more than they do.) The backup singers sound as if they're singing a jingle from a shitty, old commercial off your local NBC affiliate channel back in the '70s. Kinda makes me want to go out and buy some Shake n' Vac.

So there you have it, gang. This wasn't the direction in which I was anticipating this album going but. . . here we are. The first record is practically flawless, so it'd be hard giving that anything below a '9.' The second record, though - damn. For me, that one's closer to a '5' or a '6,' so I think for this release, it's only fair to average the two together and cut our losses. 

(I'm sorry Frank, I truly am.)

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad (I'm disappointed in this one, simply because had they trimmed up the fat a little bit - by throwing the second record into a fire, perhaps - this would be a solid release. Go out and buy a copy of A Jolly Christmas instead, gang.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XVIII

Here we go again. . .

Album Title:  Merry Christmas

Album Artist:  Bing Crosby

It’s hard to find anything wrong with a classic.

They use the term ‘classic’ for a reason, folks:  it denotes timeless, awesome, and the idea that things that have come since don’t quite stack up to it.  Think about some common examples, real quick:  Classical Greece, Classical Music, Classic Rock, Classic Star Wars.  See what I mean?  Classics stick around indefinitely because they’re so good that they never fall out of favor with the masses, which is why most people today can still readily identify the principles of democracy, the symphonies of Mozart, the songs of the Rolling Stones, and the Millennium Falcon.

That bow-tie is straight-up gangster.

You wanna know what else they can readily identify?  Bing’s version of ‘White Christmas.’

Even if one doesn’t know who sings it, they’ve heard it.  Everybody’s heard it.  Same goes for half a dozen other gems on this classic Christmas offering from the Bingster:  they’re Holiday classics, and will be around long after you and I are both dead and rotting in the ground.

Now, this album isn’t necessarily one of my personal favorites, but it’s still good.  I don’t have any nostalgic relationship with this album, despite the fact nearly every track on here is familiar.  Growing up, this wasn’t something that was on heavy rotation in our house.  That probably has something to do with the fact that, as a kid, I was being exposed to other Holiday fare (Vince Guaraldi Trio, the Rudolph the Redness Reindeer soundtrack, the Muppets various Christmas albums, etc.)

And nobody’s ever accused Bing of making kids music.

That being said, it’s impossible to really find anything faulty with this album.  It’s a great collection of several of his biggest Christmas hits.  This dude was one of the best-selling recording artists of the 20th century, and his catalog is enormous.  As such, I’m sure there was a lot to choose from when compiling songs for this particular album, but I think the producers did well with this assortment.

Long story short, this one shall definitely remain in rotation throughout the rest of the Holiday season.  While it doesn’t achieve the higher scores of, say, the Muppets or A Charlie Brown Christmas, it’s still really good, and definitely earns its place in the pantheon of Holiday treasures.

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome  (Keepin' it classic.)

- REMAINS IN ROTATION -

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. X

Album Title:  The Enchantment of Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

This album - this one right here - this surprised me.

You'd think, based on the cheeseball photograph of a barn/covered bridge/outhouse surrounded by a snow-covered woods, that this album would be just another Christmas throwaway like some of the other crap I've been reviewing lately (you hearin' me, Tennessee Ernie Ford?).  Operatic male singing, women warbling over brass-heavy instrumental songs that remind you of a boring church service, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (seriously), etc.

But this compilation actually isn't bad.  Why, it's kinda good, even.

The line-up helps.  Guy Lombardo's back, along with the Ames Brothers, Bing, Satchmo, Judy Garland, Sammy Kaye, and a handful of other tried-and-trues that deliver on this dated-but-still-good Christmas compilation.  It's the balls-iness of the arrangements that set this album above the rest of the '50s/60s crooner comps I've reviewed in previous episodes:  a swinging horn section here, an adjusted time signature there, instrument solos, and, frankly, better singing.

Yuletide inspirationals, anyone?

I don't care how good of a singer you are, if what you're singing DOES NOT SEEM TO FIT THE MUSIC OF THE SONG YOU ARE SINGING, you are going to sound like complete crap.  Sorry, that's just how it is.  That's Music 101, Great Songs of Christmas Volumes from Columbia Records - do your frickin' homework.

Now, will this go down as one of my personal Holiday favorites?  No, probably not.  But is it a good supplemental album that does the '50s/'60s crooning thing right, while so many other albums I've already reviewed have done it wrong?  Yes.

And for that, dear readers, this lil' guy earned himself a spot in the Holiday Circulation Shelf.

Congratulations, guy.

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad ('50s holiday crooning done right.  Finally.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Album Title:  Christmas Carols

Album Artist:  The Winston Singers

It's 1964, okay/All across the U.S.A.

First of all, before we get started, I'd like to bring your attention to the date scrawled across the front cover.  A small, modest '1964,' written across an ugly, Victorian housewife.  In calligraphy.

Looks like I inherited this from good ol' Granny Hough.

Anyway, this album is what one might call a 'vocal album.'  Simply put, this album is carried by the singing, not so much the music.  Maybe there's one or two instruments in the background:  on this album, that's usually a stand-up bass (doing a lazy walk so minimal you'd think he's backing up a stand-up comedian instead of a group of singers) and a nautical-sounding accordion.

Beltin' out the jamz. . .

Now, to be fair, the vocalists here sound fine - I'm sure they sound great singing at their local church.   It took me awhile to put my finger on it, but I think what's irritating about this vocalist album is the fact that there's clearly only six or seven people in this choir, and that doesn't seem right to me.  If I want a vocalist album, I want the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, or chanting medieval monks.  Maybe a collection of chain-gang prisoners in the rural South of the 1920s.  Any of those, really.  Not so much what we have here:  this arrangement reminds me a lot of a group of people sitting around a living room singing Christmas carols around a roaring fire.

If that's your thing, cool.  Good luck with that.  It just isn't mine.

That being said, let's address the elephant in the room for a sec, shall we:  THESE CREEPY, F***ING CAROLING DOLLS:

AAAAAAGGGHHHHH

What designer in their right mind approved this for an album cover (and wasn't being 'ironic'. . . 'cause I can totally see this as an indie or punk band's front cover)?

Come to think of it, I don't know at whom I'm more appalled - the craftsman who sculpted these dolls (thanks for ruining my sleep for the next few months, guy), the photographer who took the pictures (nice creepy lighting, dude), the graphic artist who laid out the imagery and letters (sweet Jesus. . .), or, worst of all, the creative director for the record company who nodded solemnly and said something like, "Looks good, Hank - let's run with it."

You know what. . . the creative director.  Yeah, I'm most appalled at him for this disaster.

I need a drink. . .

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV  (Terrible songs, terrible-er imagery.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian