The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CVII

Ladies and Gentledudes of the Internet, I present to you now the return of America's Greatest Yuletide Event:

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey.

You readers all know by now that systematically going through every, last one of my Christmas albums during the Holidays and scrutinizing the holy hell out of 'em is, without a doubt, one of my favorite Holiday traditions. This borderline weird past time of mine - a perfect storm that marries the OCD/Hough analytical side of my personality with my love of music, vinyl collecting, and the Holidays in general -  has been around since I first got into vinyl, back in 2005. Even that far back, when my collection was probably only a dozen or so LP's and compilations my Dad gave to me (or I otherwise picked up at a thrift store) and about three-dozen boxed sets I got from my Granny, I began diving deep into musty, Holiday music, cocktail in hand, and discovering all kinds of Christmas music - the good, the bad, and the ugly. Ten years later, the first year we moved back to Michigan, I began recording my analysis on this here family blog of ours, and now - seven years and over one hundred frickin' installments later - this ongoing Holiday tradition of mine runs like a well-oiled, yuletide machine.

So now, seeing how it's the first installment of this year's season of vinyl reviewin', I'll once again direct your attention to the sacred rating scale we use around these parts:

10 - . . . And Out Come the Wolves (a symbol of perfection, and arguably one of the greatest albums made in the last thirty years)

9 - Cowabunga! (if it makes you want to shout like a Ninja Turtle, you know it's good.)

8 - Awesome (worthy of repeated spins during the Holidays)

7 - Pretty Rad (generally, in order for an album of mine to stay in Holiday Season Rotation, it needs to be rated '7' and up.)

6 - Decent (once and awhile a '6' makes it into constant rotation, but only if it satisfies a previously-vacant Holiday music niche.  These albums almost always get 'Shelved':  I hold on to them - for the time being - but they lose turntable time for the duration of the Season.)

5 - Meh  (anything below this point is almost always put into my annual 'Donate to Goodwill' pile)

4 - Borophyll (there may be some redeeming qualities here that might make albums at this score appeal to some people, but definitely not Yours Truly.)

3 - Seriously? (comically bad, if you will.)

2 - Reality TV (there's only one thing shittier than Reality TV in my opinion, and that is. . .)

1 - Ohio (the Ninth Circle of Hell)

Good.  Now that everyone's been refreshed with how shit works around here, let's just go ahead and get started, shall we. . .

Album Title:  The Golden Glow of Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

This one was among a stack of crappy, used vinyl that I picked up at Radio Wasteland a year or two ago (every year I go in to my local record store and drop about $20 - $25 on dollar store records to add to my To Analyze stack - I'm probably sitting on, like, fifty albums to review at this point.) I'll review them, give them a score, then drop them back off to Jim in a month or two. Usually I get some kind of a trade-in deal for 'em, so it all comes out in the wash in the end.

I kinda knew, going into this one, what I was getting myself into; probably '4' or '5' territory, based solely on the artist line-up. Probably not going to be great by any means, but also nothing overly cringe-worthy or comically bad. Just your usual quasi-boring, run-of-the-mill, 1950s/1960s Christmas compilation. God knows I've reviewed, like, forty or fifty of these sum'bitches over the last eight years.

Well, here's another one to add to that list.

Kicking things off, we have the New York Philharmonic's take on the "Hallelujah Chorus" from Handel's Messiah. Not unheard of on a holiday compilation - I've seen it multiple times before - but it's far from ideal. I wouldn't call this song Christmas 'mainstream' by any means, but rather a classical piece that's worked its way into church music over the last couple hundred years. Its appearance on holiday albums makes sense when the album in question is solely religious music (usually the case), but on a compilation that features non-religious music (such as this one) the song's inclusion is asinine. While the rendition of the song is great - no complaints here, Leonard Bernstein - it doesn't vibe well with the rest of the track list.

If you're a fan of Johnny Mathis, Doris Day, Julie Andrews, Jerry Vale, Tony Bennett or Barbara Streisand, you'd appreciate their numbers here. Nothing extraordinary or god-awful to be found on either side of this album, just the usual yuletide malaise from the same assortment of Christmas Regulars that pop up on compilations like this one. 

What would Mathis' take on 'White Christmas' sound like? It sounds exactly like you'd think it would. 

No one takes any risks with their assigned songs - they've been doing this long enough, they know how the deal works. Show up, record your song, collect your paycheck, and go home to probably scarf down a handful of amphetamines or whatever the hell all these guys were addicted to back in the 50s/60s.

'It Came Upon a Midnight Clear', courtesy of Ray Conniff & The Singers is a solid number - I'm a big fan of their Holiday album, We Wish You a Merry Christmas - and Arthur Fiedler and the Boston Pops Orchestra deliver with their well-known number 'Anderson: Sleigh Ride' (the commonly-used rendition that features the big brass sound that's one-part Christmas and two-parts College Football Marching Band at Half-Time.) 

Alas, these two numbers are the only two stand-outs in an otherwise run-of-the-mill, snoozefest of a Holiday comp that comes courtesy of the good folks over at JC Penney. 

Perhaps if those guys had been better at putting together Christmas records they'd still be in business.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (This album is 'being dragged to JC Penney by your mom on a Sunday afternoon to buy an uncomfortable pair of khaki slacks for Christmas card pictures,' in music form.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XLVII

Hi again, music lovers.

We can't get ourselves any frickin' snow it seems, but we can sure as hell nab ourselves some audio nerdery. . .

Album Title:  An Evening with Arthur Fiedler & The Boston Pops:  Great Songs for ALL SEASONS

Album Artist:  Arthur Fiedler & The Boston Pops

They went out of their way to convince you, right out of the gate, that this album could be played year-round.  Check out the All Caps work in the title.  I definitely overlooked this fact when purchasing it at Radio Wasteland last month (for $2, mind you), and assumed, since it was in their Christmas section, it was a Holiday album.

And it sort of is.

Upon placing this on my turntable, however, I soon realized why this was advertised as music for ALL SEASONS:  the entirety of Side A is NOT Christmas music.

What.  The.  Hell.

Instead, we have your usual pickings of '70s Easy Listening fan favorites.  "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head," "What the World Needs Now is Love," etc. - Arthur Fiedler, like EVERYONE ELSE in the '70s, apparently can't get enough of Burt f***ing Bacharach.

Those two songs alone appear on probably 90% of every thrift store album one comes across, which leads me to believe that Mr. Bacharach was commonly believed back then to be the second coming of Christ.

His songs creep into every nook and cranny of mainstream music, forcing their way onto compilation LPs and demanding to be heard, like some drunk guy who shows up at a party uninvited.


I don't care for Burt Bacharach, and his presence here is not a welcome one.

So Side A, long story short, is a wash.  It sucks.  If you're a fan of listening to instrumental versions of 'classic' '70s Easy Listening, then you'll probably dig it, but that's not a genre I'm a fan of.

Side B, however, is Christmas music, and is done in Fiedler's typical 'pops' orchestral arrangements (listen to any orchestral offering that ends with '. . .Goes Pop' and you'll know what I'm talking about.)  It's not bad, but it sounds like department store background music.  Imagine you're walking through a J.C. Penney (remember those?) back in the '80s, during December, and you're picking out tacky gold jewelry for your mom.  This is the music that is playing over the sound system.  His take on Tchaikovsky is nice, as is his arrangements of other Holiday classical scores, but I have better versions on other LPs, and, ultimately, it's nowhere near enough to save this half-ass attempted offering from damnation.

I'm pissed I spent $2 on this.  While not horrible, per se - Fiedler is a talented artist in the 'Goes Pop' field, and if both sides were comprised of legit Christmas music we might be looking at a higher score, maybe a '6' or so  - I feel cheated that this is only half a Christmas album, and that an entire side of this LP is dedicated to Bacharach-ish shittiness.  

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (Burt Bacarach and Co's boring sleaze drags this album down considerably, and not even Fiedler's not-bad take on Christmas Classical music is enough to save it from being shelved. . . if not donated.)

- SHELVED -