The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CVIII

Welcome back to the Odyssey. Grab a drink, guys - you're gonna need it for this one. . .

Album Title:  Swingle Bells

Album Artist:  Various Artists

A quick glance at this one, one is immediately struck by the 'clever' play on words, Swingle Bells. You know, 'Jingle Bells'. . . buuuuuut with some kind of a 'swing' element thrown in. So when I saw this one at Radio Wasteland last weekend (this one I snatched up recently), I figured this was too good to pass up. 

I mean, 'swing' could mean several, different things. Perhaps it's the sort of swing from the 1940s, the Glenn Miller variety. Or it could also mean 'swing' in the 1960s, pop way (a la Ray Conniff, etc.) Maybe some kinda Hooked on Swing sorta thing, who knows.

But then one's eyes are drawn to the rainbow coloring of the text, and 'swingle' suddenly takes on a whole, different meaning all together. Perhaps, dear readers, 'swing' in this sense is a Saturday night party, in some South Florida gated community, where a bunch of older guys get together, drink a lot of bad things, and do lots of gross stuff to one another. Underneath the mistletoe, of course - this is a Christmas album. 

I mean honestly, this could go in a lot of different directions, folks.

Yet, now that I'm listening to it, I still don't know what to make of this album.

First things first, these aren't legit artists - if they were, they'd have their name on the front cover (or, at the very least, credited next to the songs on the track listing on the back.) No, this is like an eight-person a cappella group (too shitty to even have a frickin' name) but backed by a stripped down band of - I assume - local studio musicians. The production value of this album, while certainly not setting anyone back in terms of 'paying for talent,' is at least mixed well.

And that, dear readers, is about the only thing that this weird, weird album has going for it.

What I've learned this evening is that there is, indeed, such as thing as too much 'swing.'

The singers on this album can definitely carry a tune, so there's nothing to complain about in terms of their actual voices, per se, but rather it's the manner in which they're wielding these voices of theirs that's the issue.  There's a lot of scat-singing (I'd say 'scatting' here, but I think that has to do with animal poop or something), which actually outranks yodeling on the Most Annoying Singing Styles Scale. 

Like, why use words when you can just sing 'bum-bum-ba-dum dum, biddy-biddy-dabba-babba' and crap like that to the tune of Christmas carols?

What the f***.

Technically, there's only like eleven tracks on this particular album, but most of these are medleys, which means the overly-jazzy, full-swinging scat-singing usually stops after the first leg of the medley and then abruptly transitions into a church choir singing softly and quietly the unintelligible lyrics to some European peasant carol. You literally go from go-go dancing to German monks singing in crumbling cathedrals in only a handful of measures. Call it a medley if you want, but I think it's more accurately referred to as a shitshow.

"Thank you coming to this evening's performance.  Have a safe drive home."

Want a feeling for what this album sounds like? Pretend you and your date are going out to your local Community College for a Thursday evening (yes, Thursday evening) musical program, back in the mid-'60s. Neither of you attend said Community College, nor do you know anyone who goes there, but admission is only $2 and what the hell, right?  Well, it's the Holiday season, so you're expecting to hear some Christmas songs (that's a no-brainer) so after you guys pick up some complimentary hot chocolates and take your seats (first come first serve, folks), the 'show' starts. 

The theater and music clubs that put this on then take the stage, all dressed in black turtlenecks. There's interpretive dance, there's a small collection of beatnik musicians at the rear of the stage (all clearly high as kites), and there's a lot of spoken word deliverance between the music numbers, delivered by angry-looking women who seem to hate the Holidays just as much as they hate the Patriarchy. 

At the end of the evening, on the drive home, your date doesn't say a f***ing word to you. And you never hear from them again.

Sound like fun?  Of course it doesn't.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (Turns out 'scat' does mean shit.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Church and State Christmas Pageants

It wouldn't be the Holidays without a ridiculous amount of photographic evidence detailing how our kids participated in a Christmas pageant.

We had two this year:  a traditional, Nativity-ish program at Kris' new church, First United Methodist Church, which both girls participated in, and Alayna's 2nd Grade Christmas play at Chestnut Elementary.  Both took place this week, and both were heavily (and obnoxiously) documented with cameras, thanks to Yours Truly.

Santa's New Look (Alayna's school program.)

As you'll see in the pictures below, Alayna's school footage/pictures turned out much better than the earlier church-y program.  We were stuck pretty far back for the latter, and I neglected to bring my telephoto lens for the SLR.  Consequently, the pictures came out blurry, the video was pixelated, and, from our vantage point, you could barely see Alayna at all.  I've neglected to show you much from that program, as just looking back on that night (and the shitty pictorial evidence I amassed at the time) fills me with unbridled rage.

Now, having learned my lesson from the church's pageant (always bring a telephoto lens, and always fight your way to the front of the audience), I made sure to grab some awesome video and pictures from Alayna's school play.  As you can see in the pics below, I believe I accomplished just that.

Check it out:

The Nativity Story at First United Methodist

Look at that ass. . .

(Abby's the angel in the pink pants)

(. . . and you can barely make out Alayna's face behind the left shoulder of the male angel in the front, fourth from the left.  Alayna was a shepherd.)

These pictures suck.  Alayna's the blue shepherd, having somehow wriggled her way into the front row.

Days later, chowing down on some spaghetti real quick before heading back to school for her Christmas play. . .

Suiting up in Mrs. Larson's class.

Alayna was an elf in this year's play.

Posing with programs (she and another student were selected to handout programs at the gym doors.)

What the hell is that kid at the left doing to that girl's head?  Kids are weird. . .

Ushering in grandparents

Mrs. Larson's second grade class (Alayna is the short one, sixth from the right)

She had a speaking part in the program (maybe a paragraph of dialogue in total), which was cool.  I never had lines in any of my school plays growing up.

Alayna has really come out of her shell this year: a year or two ago she would have just stood there like a deer in headlights, but she - like the rest of her class - was really into these songs. 

 

Fidgeting with her tights.  The kid's a big fan of fidgeting.

Santa gets in trouble with the five-o.

(I forget what was happening here. . .) 

 

Alayna stands by for another speaking role 

"Santa" was considerate enough to lower the mic for our Hobbit of a child. . .

During one of the closing songs, the whole class rushed into the audience to deliver handmade Christmas presents, which, I believe, caused Kris to well up (unsurprisingly.)

Closing number

Mrs. Larson and her crew.

Time for some photo ops. . .

Hamming it up (Alayna's the weird one.)

Our Christmas present from Alayna

A festive candle holder (you drop a votive in it and the light shines through those patterned holes in the metal.)

- Brian

Countdown to Christmas: Mass Hysteria and Tardishness

hi folks...

we're about four days away from yule-party '08... and this guy's about all funned-out.

why the humbuggary, you ask? allow me to explain. kris and i were pretty smart this year, and once again accomplished about 95% of our christmas shopping before thanksgiving - giving us an excuse not to brave the hellish gauntlets that we would've otherwise been forced to fight through at one of the local malls and/or shopping outlets. we got it all out of the way so we wouldn't grow sick and tired of the 'season,' that has somehow gone from being a straight-up december-thing to a shortly-before-halloween-through-valentine's day-thing. still, despite our most valiant of efforts, its hard escaping the mass of frenzied idiots when one does have to occassionally venture out into the realm of retail this close to the holidays. i can't stand it.

i don't see why so many people are so friggin' stupid about christmas shopping anyway, but i guess that's because i'm so smart about it. when in public, its common for you to see complete strangers in the parking lots of these strip malls willing to knife eachother over parking spaces... or two grandmothers ready to rip one another's throats out for that last vibrating elmo on a toys 'r us shelf. and at times like that, you find yourself wishing that christmas was already here and over with.

...and while we're on the topic of things that piss brian off, i don't know about you guys, but i've about had it with crappy christmas music. not to be confused with decent christmas music, mind you (much props, vince guaraldi trio, jingle bells-singing dogs, etc.), crappy christmas music grates at your soul like pourous rocks over a fresh wound (mannheim steamroller, pay attention here). this morning, for example, the family and i took a couple of our friends with us to a local church we occassionally attend for some live christmas music. this is out of the ordinary somewhat, but we figured since it was the season for pleasin' and all, why would anyone pass up live christmas music five minutes from their front door? i mean, come on - they had a string orchestra, full band and choir, the works. so we went.

...and it sucked. bad.

not the greatest way to get into the spirit of things, rest assured. it pretty much shot my sunday right in the foot - spoken word over narada-type piano-work? not my idea of christmas jammage. if its one thing i cannot stand, its contemporary christian carols and hymns - give me that kinda material old school and traditional. i want to feel like i'm in a lecture hall when i'm in church, not in some gawdy clapfest. leave the bells and whistles at home, and stick to the traditional stuff. am i boring? perhaps... but i'm also a licensed JamMaster, and know decent music when i hear it. and, in this case, i know when something sucks gigantically as well.

but like i was saying before: we've got four days left of this hysteria before the masses can slow back down again and refocus on what else is going on in the rest of the known world. there's corruption and peril afoot. and apparently some snow. and there's that 'economy' everybody keeps talking about, spiralling ever downward and/or out of control. and there's high school musical 3 making teenagers even stupider and less-cultured. and there's the muppets - still the coolest damn carpet samples known to man.

so, in the meantime, over the course of the coming week, i urge you to stay indoors away from the hell that would surely await you at the mall or a circuit city, and keep your radio turned off to avoid the ear-molestation you'd otherwise have to endure via the backstreet boys singing 'the holly and the ivy.' stay with loved ones, make a snowman, and keep focused on what's important.

...and for yours truly and company, that means making due without snow or family. in order to aid us along in this venture, we're stocked with holiday drinking ingredients, a webcam, and more (non-crappy) christmas music and movies than one could shake a stick at.

do i roll?/well i guess/thunder express.

merry pre-christmas,

- brian