The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CII

Fasten your seat belts, America - it's time to shoot off to the tropical, Holiday land of. . . Wisconsin. . .

Album Title:  Christmas Aloha

Album Artist:  Mark & Diane - The Hawaiians

I couldn't help myself with this one.  This looks like one of the hokiest Christmas albums I've ever seen, and the promise of a Hawaiian-themed Christmas was too much to pass up.  Even if the music itself was an absolute train wreck - which it was bound to be - the album artwork alone was easily worth the $1 I spent on it.

So, looking at the photos that grace the front and back of this album sleeve, I'm assuming these two - Mark and Diane - are husband and wife, and if this is indeed the case then it should be equally assumed that the two young kids here are their offspring.  They all look related at any rate, they're all clearly Hawaiians, right?

It'd be pretty cringy if they had a casting call for 'Little Hawaiian Girls' just to put this album artwork together.

On closer inspection, what kinda weirds me out about the photos on this album sleeve is the fact that nothing that we see here - aside from Mark and Diane's hideous, matching shirts - exudes a 'Hawaiian' vibe in the slightest.  The kids are wearing long-sleeved and panted pajamas, as if it's cold out.  There's a Christmas tree (which, I believe, is not native to the Hawaiian Islands.)  There's a frickin' fireplace, which, you know, probably isn't needed in the tropical climate of the South Pacific (God knows we didn't have a fireplace in our houses down in Orlando.)  

For all we know, these guys might not even be from Hawaii.  This family probably lives in Wisconsin.

The same could be said about the music on this album, too - the title 'Christmas Aloha,' and the 'band' name 'The Hawaiians' is incredibly misleading.  Aside from the opening intro track of Side A 'Mele Kalikimaka' (which is only like a minute long, and sounds so forced that Bing's version comes across as sounding more authentic to the region), NOTHING on this album comes even close to sounding 'Hawaiian.'  

The whole album is an outright lie.

Diane does most of the singing on this album, and she sings well enough - in that woman-singing-at-church sorta way (you know, doing the whole tremolo thing too much) - with Mark coming in once and awhile to provide backing vocals in a higher-than-you'd expect pitch.  I'm not sure if what we have here is like an Ike and Tina Turner thing, where he just gets equal billing because he's a man and she does most of the heavy lifting, and he likes to think of himself as the 'brains' behind the operation.  I don't think I care enough to research this further.

Musically this sounds like a gospel album.  Apart from a medley on Side A, all the tunes on this LP are religious numbers, and while it's not all pipe-organ-and-bells (like you get with some churchy-sounding albums), it's got that Christian, G-rated sound to it that offends no one and could be played in front of the elderly and young children without ruffling any feathers. 

The arrangements, which definitely have that dated, late '70s, locally-recorded feel, all sound the same, and bleed into each other in a bland smear of Sunday service noise.  Lots of high-reaching notes, lots of pomp with horn flourishes and vocal belt-outs, plenty of xylophone.  They're really over-reaching with the production on this one, like Diane is trying her damnedest to be Julie Andrews, instead of, you know, some Wisconsin housewife with Hawaiian ancestry.  Mark just tries to stay relevant through the album, popping up once and awhile to let everyone know he's still there, and - on hilarious occasion - flexing his chops to give off a Pavoratti-ish warble that falls as flat as his six-inch lapels.

In summary, this album had to have been a definite kick to the balls for anyone who went out of their way to purchase a Hawaiian-themed Christmas album.  I bet the folks from their church loved it - because, you know, it showcased the diversity of their congregation (I guess) - but besides them, I bet a lot of folks were left pretty pissed off having spent money on this one.

I know I am.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (A dumpy couple from Everywhere, USA cons folks out of a few bucks by recording a church album with the false promise of 'Hawaiian' music, exploiting their children along the way.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian