Preach it, Sister

Hi fellas,

You know, I've been meaning to post some of the random crap that comes spewing out of my kids' mouths for some time now.  It happens so much, on a daily basis, that you don't really stop to think about jotting it down.  Rest assured, if I had been doing that from Day One, I'd have a tome to rival War and Peace.

With that in mind, I decided that perhaps, from time to time, I'd collect tidbits of wisdom from my children and group them, by category, for public amusement (and horror. . . also horror).

This time around, I'd like to share with you some of the Cannonball's recent theological musings.  As she gets older, she starting to ask more and more questions about life, death, and what comes next.  Pretty hardcore topics for a chick that just turned five, but hey - at least she's not burning ants in the backyard. . .

Concerning Life After Death:

Alayna: "When you get old, and your skin gets curly, you go to Heaven."
Brian: "That's right."
Alayna: "Does everybody go to Heaven?"
Brian: "Some people do."
Alayna: "Do animals go to Heaven?"
Brian: "Well-"
Alayna: "Dogs go to Heaven.  Like the movie with the girl."
Brian: "Oh yeah, that's -"
Alayna: "You know who's in Heaven?"
Brian: "Who?"
Alayna: "God.  And Jesus."
Brian: "That's right."
Alayna: "And chickens."
Brian: "... what?"
Alayna: "You know, 'cause it rains."


Alayna: "When are you going to Heaven?"
Brian: "Hopefully not for awhile.  When I'm really old."
Alayna: "You're really old now!"

Concerning Jesus Christ:

Brian: "So. . . what'd you learn about in Sunday School today?"
Alayna: "Jesus was doing magic, then he fell on his butt.  Then he bumped his head.  Then the mean boy came and took him.  Then he laid down in his nest.  Then he took him back."

Alayna: "When I turn into a grown up, I'm going to get a Baby Jesus."

Alayna: "Jesus loves us, and he died for us.  When I get old, I'm going to marry him."
Brian: "I can think of a few things wrong with that.  He's in Heav-"
Alayna: "Fine!  When I go to Heaven I'll marry him!"

Concerning God:

Alayna: "You know, God made everything."
Brian: "Oh yeah?"
Alayna: "Yup.  He made animals, and flowers, and boogers.  And Wal-Mart."

Alayna: "God's really strong.  He'g got super big muscles.  Can he beat up the Ninja Turtles?"
Brian: "All four at once?  Yeah, probably."
Alayna: "The Power Rangers?"

Alayna:  "When it rains, God's peeing on people."

- Brian

Buggin'

Hey, who likes bugs?

I don't.

Sometimes living in Florida is down right disgusting. Sure the weather's great, but evidently the insect world is a lot like its human counterpart, in that it also flocks to the tropics whenever it can get the chance. The bugs down here are ridiculous, and especially during this time of year.

Jesus, what now?, you may mutter to yourself. I'll tell ya what now: Love Bugs.

And not the smiles n' sunshine, Walt Disney in the '60s, Herbie-kind either. Real, disgusting, voyeuristic, Love Bugs.

Bugs, you naaasty.

If insects floating about copulating with one another wasn't enough - in clouds that could rival any of nastiness found among the Ten Plagues of Egypt - there are bigger, ickier bugs down here than those. There are three inch dragonflies, which, while not necessarily dangerous, still feel really, really gross brushing up against the side of your face as they buzz around your personal space.

Now, on occassion, when living in the tropics, you stumble across real monstrosities. The kind of stuff that God probably made up just to screw with people. One time when I was in Africa I saw a cockroach literally 2/3 the size of my foot. I'm not kidding. I took a picture of it for size comparison.

Little did I know that gargantuan nastiness of the same caliber would find its way over here to the good ol' U.S. of A.

Check this out:

Four inches of blegh. That's what that is. It probably weighed a pound, too. At any rate, it was larger than the back seat of my old Dodge Shadow.

(Trust me.)

The only time I ever want to see bugs like this is during Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, when Willie Scott has to brave a pit of disgusting insects in order to free Dr. Jones and Short Round from the room of impending spike-death. Feel me?

Word.

- Brian

Trouble Brewing...

Well, looks like next summer is pretty much shot.

Turns out the Cannonball's getting some competition come late May/early June - a little on the unexpected side, but good news, I suppose. Sure, we have no idea how we're going to pull an extra $800 plus a month of our collective asses yet, but we've wiggled out of tougher scrapes before without a problem - its just a matter of juggling numbers and selling a kidney or two.

This is what I would like all of you out there in CyberSpace to do for me right now: if you would, please do me the courtesy of praying to the God of Babies and imploring him to give me a boy this time around. Nothing against my daughter, of course, but one's enough.

(I'm thinking ahead thirteen years to what this family would be like with two teenage girls running about, slamming doors and making out with douchebag boyfriends... and I honestly don't think my liver can take the abuse I'd be giving it)

Also, while you're praying to this random god, would you also ask him to just give us one baby this time around? Seriously. That's good enough for us, God of Babies, we really don't need two. I know Kris is in line for twins and all, and - speaking from a strictly statistical view of things - I know that we're getting really, really close to ending up with the hot potato this time around, but we're fine and dandy with just the one. Thanks.

If you could pass that on as well, folks, I'd really appreciate it.

Time for a drink.

- Brian

God Doesn't Want Brian to Have iTunes

i believe i'm cursed when it comes to iTunes.

since 2003, my iTunes library - my sole source of jams (excluding my records) since most of my CDs were stolen in a heist back in november of that same year - has consistently been plagued with organizational and logistical problems. first, there was the Great File Corruption Scare of 2004, that led to a solid 1/3 of my songs starting half-way through the song that preceded it. following this, and a massive overhaul and re-importation of all my old music, came the epic Song Duplication Disaster of 2006, which massacred countless hours that could've been spent doing something far less nerdical and many times more productive. it didn't help that i was operating my library with a desktop that had the computing power of a cardboard box... but let's not get off topic, here.

it wasn't until 2008, when yours truly put on his daddy pants, destroyed the troublesome library all together, and rebuilt it from the ground up - jam by jam - that i was finally able to restore order to my iTunes.

...or at least i thought.

as you all know (and i'm sure deeply, deeply care about), i bought a flashy, new macbook pro the first week of august. at the time, i realized that i'd need to buy a new chord in order to utilize my external harddrive (where my trusty iTunes - polished upand ready to rock and roll - was waiting patiently.) a couple days after buying my new computer, i ordered an adapter to convert my 400 firewire cable to an 800 firewire port, which is standard with the macbook pro.

well, the adapter showed up, sure enough, about a week later... and something didn't work. my computer wasn't registering the external HD at all (of course).

that sucks, says brian, hopefully its not the laptop. a quick venture to the apple store (which i've already told you about) proved that it was, in fact, the adapter... which was about the best, possible outcome i could've hoped for in the situation. so, after obtaining a refund from amazon, i ordered a cable instead... and my iTunes library patiently waited for jam optimization in my unused, neglected HD.

three weeks later. USPS and my apartment complex have, collectively, lost the package. no one knows where it is. God, recognizing my devotion to the sacrilegious idol that is iTunes, intervened and smote the package while it was in transit to my house. that's the only thing that could've possibly happened to it. He realized, in his infinite wisdom, that i was straying from my duties as a christian, and that i was placing mp3 playlists before Him... or something. i don't know. its been three weeks and i still can't access my music.

i hate so many things right now i don't even know where to begin...

... and i just now realized that this is probably the nerdiest, f***ing entry i've ever posted. holy crap.

- iHough