The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. LXX

Welcome back, Internet.  We got ourselves some good ol' fashioned, soul-saving Christmas cheer today

Album Title:  Come on, Ring Those Bells

Album Artist:  Evie

I'm not gonna lie, folks - I totally picked this one up due to the ridiculous cover art.  I found this in my previously-discussed stack of vinyl that I scored at the Bethesda thrift store, across from my school, where you can score vinyl for an unheard of 59 cents apiece.

And this baby?  I couldn't pass this one up.  I mean, just look at this chick:

If warm milk, abstinence, and homophobia was a person.

Yes, somebody once paid $8 for this.

So many thoughts went through my head when I first saw this lady on the cover of this album.  First of all, who the hell is this 'Evie' lady?  The one-name moniker - who in the hell does she think she is, Cher?  Madonna?  Meatloaf?  Is she some sort of Scandinavian super-star?  A Partridge-Family, G-rated, fun-for-the-whole-family balladeer?  Is this a independently-funded release by a big dreamer who had to eventually grow up and realize she wasn't going to be a Carpenter sister, and had to eventually get a job ringing up groceries somewhere in Kansas?

Nope on all accounts, I guess.  Squeaky-clean, country-ish, Christian Music singer.  Go figure.

Note:  after writing this review, I hopped onto Wikipedia and found out she is Scandinavian. . . so I'm not too far off base.

Folks, this is the least-offensive record I've ever heard.  There's zero mention of Christmas trees, Santa, reindeer, snow, and certainly not mistletoe - why, that would offend our LORD.  Barn-born Baby Jesus, folks.  Nope, this is soul-saving, Nativity-centered, family-focused, Christian Christmas music.  None of that pagan, yuletide blasphemy to be found here, no thank you.

This chick probably spends a lot of time praying.  Hopefully for some dental work:

Believe it or not, this album actually came with a free poster inside.  A poster of a soft '70s Christian music performer.  You gotta wonder who the target demographic for this was.  Was this targeted for teens, who would otherwise be putting up LP posters of Kiss or the Beatles on their bedroom walls, but, because their parents are Jesus freaks, they're not allowed to?  So they have to hang up posters of Evie instead?  Do you want to see the bedroom of a person who would actually hang this up on their wall?  I sure as hell wouldn't - that would be terrifying.

The first of two sentimental messages on this album. . .

"Have you any room for Jesus?" she asks on Track 3.  Um. . . how much room is he looking for, exactly?  How much room does he take up?

Anyway, as for the music itself goes, this is pretty typical '70s soft country/pop fare.  The production value itself is actually way better than I would've expected:  I can't tell if she was just a behemoth of the '70s Christian Music circuit, or else these are all pre-recorded song arrangements and she just rented the studio time to come in and lay down a vocal track over top of them.  

Honestly, I'm not sure which scenario would be more fitting, here.

Everything on this LP is slow-tempo, low-key, and waaaay overly-heartfelt, bordering on the dramatic.  And certainly, while this Evie can definitely carry a tune (I imagine she was all the rage in her congregation's choir growing up), I find myself being turned off by her delivery.  

I think the problem with this record is that there's too much Jesus on this record for me to accept it.  Please don't get me wrong here guys, I'm not bashing Christian music, and I do love religious Christmas carols - done right, they can be moving pieces of music that completely capture the Season.  But even church services this time of year feature Christmas Trees. Completely neglecting the imagery of the Holiday Season - because it's takes away from the 'true meaning of Christmas,' blah, blah, blah - especially on a Christmas album, is jarring.  

No.

By all means, Evie, stock your track list with religious Christmas carols, that's totally fine, lady.  But throw in a couple songs about the other stuff as well.  Balance it out.  Maybe sing about the beauty of the winter landscape as you and your beloved husband - who sleeps in a separate bed, obviously - walk back from your nightly three-hour church service.  Sing about the Christmas Trees that are on display in the windows of the Planned Parenthood you and the rest of your church activist group are protesting during this festive Holiday season.  Because only nut-jobs drinking warm milk and not buying their children Christmas presents (because it would take attention away from Jesus) would appreciate this album.

And it's 100% obvious to Yours Truly that that is your target audience, Evie.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna mix myself up an egg nog and rum and blast some of Bad Religion's Christmas Songs (8/10 on the Odyssey Rating Scale, folks.)

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (It gets a couple bonus points for the production quality and song arrangements, which, oddly enough, are pretty acceptable.  Buuuut if Trump's evangelical base could release a Christmas album, this would be it.  There seems to be no tracks about Democrats stealing children in order to use them as sex slaves and blood donors, though. . .)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

The Bunny Hath Risen... Again

THE BUNNY RISETH AGAIN!!!

Hi folks.  So Easter happened again, and like the last seven or eight years, Kris prepped baskets the night before and hid Easter Eggs around the house while I created a series of clues about for the girls' annual Easter Basket Quest (see below.)  This year had the girls burrowing into the dog's food, their own dirty clothes hamper, and my beer fridge, as well as venturing out into the cold twice (once in the backyard where Watson poops, once into the dirty garage.)

(Yours Truly  . . .er, The Easter Bunny was kind of an asshole this year.)

Anyway, an hour or two of prepping the house the night before gave us about 10 - 15 minutes of Easter Morning craziness, which is par for the course, really.  The girls got a bunch of crap that they went nuts over, including dresses they got to wear to our obligated-to-go church excursion later that morning.  Then, after church, Easter magically transformed into just another Sunday. . . filled with lesson planning, house chores, and Netflix.

Behold:  Easter '17. . .

I decided to narrow down the amount of stops on the Basket Scavenger Hunt this year.  I was a bit lazy.

After finding eggs around the house for a few minutes, the girls stumble across the first clue, lying in plain sight on the kitchen table. . .

The quest begins.

Cold in the garage

Kris felt it wasn't right to 'nail anything to anything' on Easter Sunday, but I explained I had no choice 'cause it wasn't like I could Scotch Tape a clue to frickin' bark. . .

Next year I might have them rummage through garbage for a clue.  That'd be kinda funny.

The last clue. . .

The end of the Hunt - the girls (and Watson) find their baskets.

(Watson's is the one on the left.  Not sure if you guys picked up on that.)

Into the Living Room to dig into plunder.

We've been trying to limit the amount of candy the girls get on Easter these last couple of years, so they've been getting a lot of shoes, dresses, perfumes, small toys, activity/chapter books, and other crap like that instead.

I didn't get to post any pictures of Alayna during the first bit of this basket opening process, because she wasn't wearing pants and you could see her underwear in most of the pictures we took.  Eventually Kris and I became aware of this and made her put on pajama pants at the very least.

Perfume, shoes, dresses, nail polish - the girls got a much more mature basket this year.  It's kinda what they're into anymore.

Lip balms (this type has a specific name, but I forget what it is.)

Alayna fills out an activity journal she got in her basket

Abby shows off a new Easter Dress

All primed and ready for church.  HAPPY EASTER MOTHERF***ERS!

- Brian

Easter Baskets, Courtesy of Jesus

THE BUNNY HATH RISEN!!!

(. . .that's what we're celebrating around here, right guys?)

Anywho.  It's Easter.  Again.  Another year of painstaking preparations for a fifteen-minute blitz of insanity that ends with our kids eating candy for breakfast, and Kris and I chugging coffee while trying to get the family around for an obligatory, too-early-in-the-morning church session.

Behold.  Easter '15 (feat. the Houghs):

The kids stumble into the living room, pissed because the Easter Bunny neglected to lay any candy-filled eggs around the house (as you can tell from this picture's background, my kids should probably go to an optometrist soon.)

After the kids ransacked the house for plastic Easter Eggs (that we'll still be stumbling upon weeks from now, I'm sure), it was time for the annual Easter Basket Scavenger Hunt.  Since both of our kids can read now, we decided to just write it out instead of relying on my rusty art skills for clues. . .

Everybody poops, Internet.  Relax.

(I'll spare you that picture - just rest assured it pointed the kids to Alayna's keyboard.)

. . . we should have written 'where Abby's supposed to keep her shoes.'  Otherwise they'd never find the next clue, as Abby kicks off her shoes EVERYWHERE.

A lot of effort goes into five minutes of too-early-in-the-morning crap around these parts. . .

Dumbstruck.

Every year Kris insists on buying the girls new dresses to put in their baskets, which I'm cool with (we're both in the mindset that tangible goods far outweigh candy and chocolate as far as basket contents go.) 

What can I say.  The girl likes Pez.

Another Disney Infinity figure - Alayna's been wanting Baymax (from Disney's Big Hero Six.)

Monster High's pretty popular around these parts, too.

Watson bides his time. . .

This was for the girls' benefit - none of what you see here was purchased specifically for Watson's Easter Basket - we just used the existing basket we keep his toys in and threw in some leftover 'grass' from the girls' baskets and some not-yet-consumed dog items from our usual grocery trips.  Don't worry - we're not those people.  Yet. 

Abby's been asking for Maleficent (who now resembles Angelina Jolie instead of the villain from Sleeping Beauty.)

Easter Egg spoils (I ate all the black ones.  And regret nothing.)

Healthy breakfast.

Not pleased he didn't get a chocolate bunny.

Later in the morning, we figured we'd check out what was going on at Kris' church (I hear Easter's a big day for churches.)

Here, after the service, the girls ate some complimentary cupcakes. . . because they hadn't yet consumed their week's worth of sugar before 11am.

Another Hough Family Easter tradition - driving over to the Voigts' house for Easter lunch/dinner (is there an equivalent to Brunch for this?)

Scary Bridge. (Not sure if it has a real name, but that's what I've been calling it for seven years now.)

Causing a ruckus on the Voigts' back porch.

When we got home, we let the girls watch a movie while we worked on a few things around the house.  What did they want to watch?  The Who's Amazing Journey - a documentary about the band released in the 1970s, which I own and introduced the girls too a couple months ago.  I will now start accepting all nominations for Father of the Year.

- Brian