The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. LXX

Welcome back, Internet.  We got ourselves some good ol' fashioned, soul-saving Christmas cheer today

Album Title:  Come on, Ring Those Bells

Album Artist:  Evie

I'm not gonna lie, folks - I totally picked this one up due to the ridiculous cover art.  I found this in my previously-discussed stack of vinyl that I scored at the Bethesda thrift store, across from my school, where you can score vinyl for an unheard of 59 cents apiece.

And this baby?  I couldn't pass this one up.  I mean, just look at this chick:

If warm milk, abstinence, and homophobia was a person.

Yes, somebody once paid $8 for this.

So many thoughts went through my head when I first saw this lady on the cover of this album.  First of all, who the hell is this 'Evie' lady?  The one-name moniker - who in the hell does she think she is, Cher?  Madonna?  Meatloaf?  Is she some sort of Scandinavian super-star?  A Partridge-Family, G-rated, fun-for-the-whole-family balladeer?  Is this a independently-funded release by a big dreamer who had to eventually grow up and realize she wasn't going to be a Carpenter sister, and had to eventually get a job ringing up groceries somewhere in Kansas?

Nope on all accounts, I guess.  Squeaky-clean, country-ish, Christian Music singer.  Go figure.

Note:  after writing this review, I hopped onto Wikipedia and found out she is Scandinavian. . . so I'm not too far off base.

Folks, this is the least-offensive record I've ever heard.  There's zero mention of Christmas trees, Santa, reindeer, snow, and certainly not mistletoe - why, that would offend our LORD.  Barn-born Baby Jesus, folks.  Nope, this is soul-saving, Nativity-centered, family-focused, Christian Christmas music.  None of that pagan, yuletide blasphemy to be found here, no thank you.

This chick probably spends a lot of time praying.  Hopefully for some dental work:

Believe it or not, this album actually came with a free poster inside.  A poster of a soft '70s Christian music performer.  You gotta wonder who the target demographic for this was.  Was this targeted for teens, who would otherwise be putting up LP posters of Kiss or the Beatles on their bedroom walls, but, because their parents are Jesus freaks, they're not allowed to?  So they have to hang up posters of Evie instead?  Do you want to see the bedroom of a person who would actually hang this up on their wall?  I sure as hell wouldn't - that would be terrifying.

The first of two sentimental messages on this album. . .

"Have you any room for Jesus?" she asks on Track 3.  Um. . . how much room is he looking for, exactly?  How much room does he take up?

Anyway, as for the music itself goes, this is pretty typical '70s soft country/pop fare.  The production value itself is actually way better than I would've expected:  I can't tell if she was just a behemoth of the '70s Christian Music circuit, or else these are all pre-recorded song arrangements and she just rented the studio time to come in and lay down a vocal track over top of them.  

Honestly, I'm not sure which scenario would be more fitting, here.

Everything on this LP is slow-tempo, low-key, and waaaay overly-heartfelt, bordering on the dramatic.  And certainly, while this Evie can definitely carry a tune (I imagine she was all the rage in her congregation's choir growing up), I find myself being turned off by her delivery.  

I think the problem with this record is that there's too much Jesus on this record for me to accept it.  Please don't get me wrong here guys, I'm not bashing Christian music, and I do love religious Christmas carols - done right, they can be moving pieces of music that completely capture the Season.  But even church services this time of year feature Christmas Trees. Completely neglecting the imagery of the Holiday Season - because it's takes away from the 'true meaning of Christmas,' blah, blah, blah - especially on a Christmas album, is jarring.  

No.

By all means, Evie, stock your track list with religious Christmas carols, that's totally fine, lady.  But throw in a couple songs about the other stuff as well.  Balance it out.  Maybe sing about the beauty of the winter landscape as you and your beloved husband - who sleeps in a separate bed, obviously - walk back from your nightly three-hour church service.  Sing about the Christmas Trees that are on display in the windows of the Planned Parenthood you and the rest of your church activist group are protesting during this festive Holiday season.  Because only nut-jobs drinking warm milk and not buying their children Christmas presents (because it would take attention away from Jesus) would appreciate this album.

And it's 100% obvious to Yours Truly that that is your target audience, Evie.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna mix myself up an egg nog and rum and blast some of Bad Religion's Christmas Songs (8/10 on the Odyssey Rating Scale, folks.)

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (It gets a couple bonus points for the production quality and song arrangements, which, oddly enough, are pretty acceptable.  Buuuut if Trump's evangelical base could release a Christmas album, this would be it.  There seems to be no tracks about Democrats stealing children in order to use them as sex slaves and blood donors, though. . .)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

The Nativity, feat. the Blessed Virgin Abby and a Wise Man

The Christmas Story (the religious one, not the fun one.)

Merry Halfway-to-Christmas, America.

So the girls both participated in a kids program of the Christmas Story (the one about Jesus, not Santa) at Kris' church, the First United Methodist Church downtown.  They had participated in something similar back in 2015, but neither kid had a prominent role (hell, you could barely see 'em.)  This time around, Alayna was one of the three Wise Men (or Kings, or whatever they were), and Abby was the frickin' Virgin Mary.

Virgin Abby

Anyway, the production was pretty funny, and I managed to get some really good pictures out of the evening because a.) I just bought a new whoop-ass camera lens and b.) our family nabbed the entire second row, right up front, without anyone sitting in front of us - you couldn't ask for better seats.  For someone who suffers from considerable anxiety over successfully documenting events like children's programs, this was a pretty satisfying evening.

Anyway, check out the pics and video below to see the Blessed Virgin Abby and a Wise Man/King in action.

Enjoy.

Some angel tells Mary she's been knocked by God.

Having given birth, she sets the head of Christendom in a 'manger.'

The angel speaks to a bunch of shepherds and a few wooden sheep props.

(I think this is supposed to be a donkey, but it will forever haunt my dreams.)

Roman legionnaires don't know how to answer King Herod.

Arrival of the Wise Men (Alayna at center)

Frankincense and Mir are, like, incense, basically - right?  I think I'd just take the gold.

Herod orders the execution of the Baby Jesus doll.

There's so much of this story that I just don't remember.  Growing up, I think I was more into the Santa/Rudolph/Dickens' Christmas Carol scene.

Returning from 'Egypt.'  

Abby did pretty well throughout the program, considering she was up front and center stage for most of it.  Alayna also did fine, but she didn't have as much of a prominent role, obviously.  I mean, do the Wise Men even have names?  Do we know what country they come from?

Let's hope we never have to sit through a childrens' production of the crucifixion.  There's no way that would turn out well.

- Brian

Church and State Christmas Pageants

It wouldn't be the Holidays without a ridiculous amount of photographic evidence detailing how our kids participated in a Christmas pageant.

We had two this year:  a traditional, Nativity-ish program at Kris' new church, First United Methodist Church, which both girls participated in, and Alayna's 2nd Grade Christmas play at Chestnut Elementary.  Both took place this week, and both were heavily (and obnoxiously) documented with cameras, thanks to Yours Truly.

Santa's New Look (Alayna's school program.)

As you'll see in the pictures below, Alayna's school footage/pictures turned out much better than the earlier church-y program.  We were stuck pretty far back for the latter, and I neglected to bring my telephoto lens for the SLR.  Consequently, the pictures came out blurry, the video was pixelated, and, from our vantage point, you could barely see Alayna at all.  I've neglected to show you much from that program, as just looking back on that night (and the shitty pictorial evidence I amassed at the time) fills me with unbridled rage.

Now, having learned my lesson from the church's pageant (always bring a telephoto lens, and always fight your way to the front of the audience), I made sure to grab some awesome video and pictures from Alayna's school play.  As you can see in the pics below, I believe I accomplished just that.

Check it out:

The Nativity Story at First United Methodist

Look at that ass. . .

(Abby's the angel in the pink pants)

(. . . and you can barely make out Alayna's face behind the left shoulder of the male angel in the front, fourth from the left.  Alayna was a shepherd.)

These pictures suck.  Alayna's the blue shepherd, having somehow wriggled her way into the front row.

Days later, chowing down on some spaghetti real quick before heading back to school for her Christmas play. . .

Suiting up in Mrs. Larson's class.

Alayna was an elf in this year's play.

Posing with programs (she and another student were selected to handout programs at the gym doors.)

What the hell is that kid at the left doing to that girl's head?  Kids are weird. . .

Ushering in grandparents

Mrs. Larson's second grade class (Alayna is the short one, sixth from the right)

She had a speaking part in the program (maybe a paragraph of dialogue in total), which was cool.  I never had lines in any of my school plays growing up.

Alayna has really come out of her shell this year: a year or two ago she would have just stood there like a deer in headlights, but she - like the rest of her class - was really into these songs. 

 

Fidgeting with her tights.  The kid's a big fan of fidgeting.

Santa gets in trouble with the five-o.

(I forget what was happening here. . .) 

 

Alayna stands by for another speaking role 

"Santa" was considerate enough to lower the mic for our Hobbit of a child. . .

During one of the closing songs, the whole class rushed into the audience to deliver handmade Christmas presents, which, I believe, caused Kris to well up (unsurprisingly.)

Closing number

Mrs. Larson and her crew.

Time for some photo ops. . .

Hamming it up (Alayna's the weird one.)

Our Christmas present from Alayna

A festive candle holder (you drop a votive in it and the light shines through those patterned holes in the metal.)

- Brian