The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CI

Welp, we got ourselves a Buy One/Get One Free sorta thing going on this evening, folks - strap yourselves in. . .

Album Title:  Christmas with Henry Mancini/Christmas with Eddy Arnold

Album Artist:  Henry Mancini/Eddy Arnold

So obviously I picked this one up because I have never - ever - come across something like this on a record before, Christmas or not.  When I first picked it up from the Dollar Bin at Radio Wasteland, I saw 'Christmas with Henry Mancini' scrawled across the top, with a picture of some goofy-looking schmuck that looks like he's really trying to get you into that secondhand Dodge Dart he swears isn't gonna be around on his lot for very much longer.  I therefore figured this would be a hokey album, and well worth a buck, so I tucked it into my other arm and continued browsing through records.

You can imagine my surprise when, when reshuffling the stack of vinyl I had accumulated in my arms up to this point, I noticed upon second glance that it wasn't Henry Mancini at all, but some much more stiff-looking guy by the name of Eddy Arnold.  The schmoozey car salesman was gone, and now here was a father figure that wants you to sit down at the kitchen table for a sec, sport, so he can ask you about the pack of Marlboro Reds and the condoms he found in the glove box of your car.

It took me longer than I care to admit before I realized that I hadn't imagined the whole 'Henry Mancini being on the cover' thing, and that this album was, in fact, double-sided.  Not a double-LP, mind you:  double-sided.  On one side, this is a Henry Mancini album, and on the other, it's an Eddy Arnold album.

I didn't know you could do that.

Anyway, I struggled with reviewing these as two separate albums - seeing how it's one artist on each side - but ultimately sided against that approach because the producers of this LP decided on releasing it as a single album.  So that's what you get, folks - we're lumping these two together.  For better or for worse.

I'll start with Henry Mancini.  Side A.

This sounds the easy-listening, hometown-y, white bread sorta nonsense that every, last one of your grandparents listened to back in the 1950s.  It sounds like something I'd find on a cassette in my step-grandparents' conversion van back in the day.  I'm not sure if this Mancini guy is the singer, or just the composer, but in either case it's beyond boring.  

I could easily fall asleep to this one:  there are few highs and lows to be found on Side A, everything just keeps the same tempo, the same mix volume, the same instrumentation, the same everything.  While nothing is really worth making fun of, per se (at least not in a comical, fun way), it's hard to find any redeeming qualities in this side at all.  This is just another easy-listening album that is so non-offensive you could get away playing it in church.

And not a liberal church, mind you - one of the ones that think gays are evil and Democrats drink baby blood.

So how about this Eddy Arnold fella, let's talk about this guy.  I had heard of Mancini before - I'm no stranger to thrift stores, and have spent my fair share of time digging in vain through piles of musty and ill-kept Goodwill records - but I had never heard of Arnold.  

Giving this second side a listen, there's not a huge difference between Arnold's side and Mancini's side - they're equally boring - but if I had to be picky I'd say Arnold's arrangements aren't quite as sleepy.  It still classifies as easy listening, but the volume is literally louder (noticeably, and I didn't adjust my receiver) and the instruments are equally more brash.  There are more horns - the 50s definitely enjoyed their brass, without the swinging fun that accompanied the brass of the '60s - and, sadly, a lot more pipe organ.  The singer has a little more confidence in himself, too, and attempts to belt out his church-friendly, non-offensive carols like his voice alone has the power to drop elderly grandmother panties.

What's more than a little disturbing is the fact that, back in the day, it probably did.  Let that one sink in for a hot minute.  Alas, even that superpower fails to impress Yours Truly - that's nowhere near enough to save this snooze-fest from the donation bin. 

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (Double Trouble in the form of Henry Mancini and Eddy Arnold, bringing Nap Time into town like it's no one's business.  Lock up your grannies, America. . .)

- SHELVED-

- Brian