The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XIII

Okay folks, be forewarned:  this one ain't gonna be pretty. . .

Album Title:  O Come, All Ye Faithful

Album Artist:  Kate Smith

Whored-up Grandma, anyone?

This may be the worst Christmas album I've ever heard.

And that's saying a lot.

No clue where I got it from, but the only reason I still own it must be due to the fact that the album cover features a hilarious, whored-up grandma on the cover.

I don't know who Kate Smith is, but I'm pretty sure that, at the time of recording, she was in her 50s.  Judging by the cover art, I'm also assuming that she's one of those 50-somethings that still dresses like she's in her 20s or 30s.  Maybe she was hot when she was younger and didn't get the memo that she's far past her prime, I don't know.

An 'ideal album,' you say?

What I do know, America, is this:  this album is horrendous.

The sound mix is juvenile, with instruments fading in and out so fast you'd think you were listening to TIE fighters screeching past your living room.  This assault on the senses is coupled with Grandma Smith's "bell-like clarity" (whatever the blue f*** that means.) I think that's the nice way of saying she 'sings pretty,' but I'd like to think that the guy that wrote the back cover notes is Kate's grandson.

Who wouldn't want to compliment their grandma's singing, even if she did sound like she was half-comatose from gargling a chubby handful of valium?

(F.Y.I. - Kate Smith sounds like she is half-comatose from gargling a chubby handful of valium.)

Anyway, I'm not only shelving Grandma Smith, but she's being Goodwill'd at the earliest possible convenience.

VERDICT:  1/10 - Ohio  (Makes me question the existence of a supreme deity)

- SHELVED -

Album Title:  Give Me Your Love for Christmas

Album Artist:  Johnny Mathis

Dottie strikes again.

Oh, Mr. Mathis. . . what the hell am I going to do with you.

This record, evidently, comes from the collection of "Dottie". . . whoever the hell that is.  Dottie has a really, really weird taste in music.

Plus, with a name like "Dottie," you know she's a crazy old lady.  Who probably lives with fourteen cats and is obsessed with porcelain figurines.

"Give me your love.  Or else."

Anyway, this album sounds a lot like Johnny Mathis' other album I reviewed earlier - mellow crooning, backed by a '60s 'swinging' soundtrack that is both accessible and forgettable.   Honestly, I don't know how the hell this guy sold so many albums back in the day.  Sure, he can carry a tune, but the arrangements we have here are sooooo boring that its hard to sit through the two sides of the record without falling asleep.

Or killing yourself.

It seems to me that the market for this kind of music - as small as it must be - is ridiculously flooded with similarly-sounding artists, and so Johnny Mathis fails to come across as anything unique, here.  Instead, while he's belting out his Christmas carols, he instead reminds one of a mega-lame version of Tom Jones.  Tom Jones sings over similar arrangements, but at least Mr. Jones sounds more alive.

Nice vest, bro.

Plus I don't think I'd want to get in a fight with Tom Jones in a bar:  the dude looks like a caveman.

Humperdinck, Whitaker, Williams, Johnny Mathis, etc. - if it sounds like women in their 70s would be flocking to it in a casino at 3pm on a Tuesday, odds are their Christmas album is going to sound like total shit.

Mission accomplished, Mr. Mathis.

VERDICT:   3/10 - Seriously? (Another shit job from Mr. Mathis. . . but he gets points for sorta sounding like Tom Jones.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian