How Celebration Perfectly Represents All That is Wrong with America

'Changing' leaves in the backyard. . .

Hi America,

Fall is pretty much non-existent down here in America's Wang.  Hell, sometimes we don't get ourselves a winter, and get to relish in a slightly-less unbearable mugginess for the cooler months of the year.

Granted, Polar Vortexes only require we put on socks and shoes instead of flip-flops on the coldest of days, so there is an upside, I guess.

Anyway, Kris and I have always been big fall people, and missing out on the transitional season bums us out each year.  Changing colors in foliage, the crispness in the air - we miss out on all of it.  And our kids have never really experienced it, either.  This year, we decided to change all that.

Every year Celebration, FL. holds a 'festival' that features 'falling leaves.'  If you'll be so good to remember, we went there back in December for their 'falling snow'. . . which - though mildly retarded - was entertaining for the kids.  Surely leaves would be just as entertaining.

Right?

Well, check it out. . .

Loading up the kids in the Tactical Family Transport Vehicle

Celebration is a fabricated 'town' designed and occupied by Disney executives, and every time we go there it creeps me out.  It all feels fake - no garbage, no traffic, no minorities, no chain restaurants, no gas stations.  The whole town looks like a set piece.

It's annual festivals attract plebeians from miles around.  It must take hours and hours of hired cleaning to wash away all the poor people stink from their precious streets.

See that stage in the background?  Usually you can expect to see some random has-been - like one of the top 24 finalists from an old season of American Idol.  You feel bad for the performers, being reduced to playing at this level of venue - it's honestly one step below playing county fairs.  Then, I remember how terrible American Idol is (as well as everything it represents about American culture), and I feel better.

You can see here that it was so cold out that we had to put a blue jean jacket on one of our kids.  

Waiting around for the 'falling leaves' to begin. . .

Seriously.  They blew out pieces of thin, colored tissue paper.  For about ten seconds.  I barely had time to capture it on video.  It was so bad it was comical.

We ran into the Tayler Family while we were there - dressed up in costume, as usual.

Needless to say, everyone was pretty let down by the 'falling leaves' - at least the snow falling lasted for a decent chunk of time.  In the end, we can only blame ourselves for buying into such a poorly-conceived notion.

The kids like it, though.  I'd say 'that's all that matters' here, but I'd be lying to you - after driving a half hour out to Celebration, fighting through stop-and-go, bumper-to-bumper traffic for a parking space (which was roughly as difficult as tracking down the Holy Grail), ten seconds of tissue-paper being shot out of blower was kinda, well, shitty.

Kids collecting colored tissue paper off the street.  'Cause God knows, kids love tissue paper.

Bustin' a move.

Fighting with kids on the way back to the car. . .

Here's the Celebration pumpkin patch we used to frequent - they were actually charging people $5 admission to get in, though.  Most folks were doing it for picture opportunities, which made little since seeing how the pictures (being at night and all) were going to turn out like complete shit.  Of course, this $5 was supposed to be a donation, but when you set up a cash register at the entrance and make people pay before they can enter, that doesn't seem so much like a donation as it does a charge.  

Abby strikes a pose outside of the pumpkin patch.  Screw you, Celebration - you're not getting $20 from us for shitty pictures.  The Houghs take their shitty pictures for free.

- Brian