The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CXXIII

Greetings from the far reaches of the Holiday soundscape - from its dark, mildew-y corners, I bring you this Aryan relic. . .

Album Title:  White Christmas

Album Artist:  John Schneider

This dollar-bin find from Radio Wasteland was a no-brainer for Yours Truly, gang. I mean just look at this guy: one can't help but be immediately drawn to the blonde locks and overly-friendly countenance of what very well may be the whitest man of all time. Cozily wrapped up in a festive sweater so ugly Bill Cosby wouldn't touch that shit. 

I have no idea who John Schneider is, but based on the photos of homeboy on the outer sleeve, he's either a.) a Mormon missionary, b.) a Christian singer, or c.) a German pop star.

(If we're going with 'c' on this one, the title White Christmas takes on a notable, Third Reich sorta vibe.)

There's not a lot of information to gleam from these two photographs, and not much in the text to to give this guy much of a backstory (no 'From Our House to Yours' cheesiness to read through, no message from the producer). I could probably look up who this guy is on Wikipedia or whatever, buuuut I don't feel like opening up another tab right now.

Whoever he is, the production value on this album is pretty good. Like there's a legit band here, not some random asshole playing one of those keyboards where you can hit a button and suddenly F# sounds like a maraca. The arrangements are mixed well, too - it doesn't sound like someone's cousin recorded this with home equipment in a local church on a Thursday evening (because we get LOTS of that around here, it seems) - but holy shit, are they boring.

Schneider totally sounds like, say, an animated Prince Charming. All pure and innocent, with a hint of whimsy and a dash of heroic bravado (not that Prince Charmings ride into battle at the head of great host or anything, they're usually just gallivanting through a forest in tights - not sure why they even bother strapping on a sword.)  Listening to him sing, the guy's over-annunciation gives the impression that he's the sorta guy that doesn't know how to use contractions when speaking. No highs or lows in the vocals, no swagger or gun powder in the delivery, no over-the-top brashness like you often times get with those church-y Christmas singers. No conviction at all, really - just a guy singing words off a lyric sheet in a studio and collecting a paycheck. 

This is how a guy laying down tracks for a Disney character would do it - Schneider's probably moonlighting providing vocals for the love interest on Cinderella's Christmas Album.

He's not a terrible singer, I guess, but he's far from what I'd call 'pro' level. You know when you go out to a bar and when you walk in you notice there's people singing karaoke? And eventually a bunch of drunks drag one of their reluctant friends up on stage and, after a few moments of obligatory 'modest protesting,' the friends starts singing, and he's like surprisingly good?  You're like, 'Oh damn, this dude can actually sing.'  Know what I'm talking about?

Well, that's based on the civilian scale of singing ability, folks - like when you see an actress on TV and are all like, 'She's not that hot,' but you know if you passed her on the sidewalk you'd most likely have a heart attack and shit your pants. 

. . . .

We all do it, it's cool. It's not weird.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (Prince Charming cuts a Christmas album and can't figure out why his true love would choose to remain asleep instead of being conscious for this snooze-fest.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XCII

Boys and girls of all ages, I present to you now the return of America's Greatest Yuletide Event:

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey.

By now, as we come into my eighth 'season' of documenting this is, you should all know how this works, but in case you need a refresher of this, one of my all-time favorite Holiday traditions, here's a run-down.

Since I first started collecting vinyl, back in 2005, I've gotten into the habit of hauling out all of my Christmas vinyl at the start of the Holiday Pre-Season (now-ish, mid-November) and stacking it up in 'staging' area.  Then, over the course of the next month and a half, I methodically listen to every, single album, scrutinizing the holy hell out of it.  The good ones stay in rotation, and are played repeatedly throughout the year.  The okay ones are put aside for future use, but lose their spot in the playlist for the rest of the season.  The bad ones are ridiculed to shreds and donated to the nearest thrift store at the earliest possible convenience.

And then I go through the entire process all over again the following year, armed with a new stack of Christmas vinyl to burn through.

Now, as this is the first installment in this year's season of vinyl reviewin', I'll once again direct your attention to the cherished rating scale we use around these parts:

10 - . . . And Out Come the Wolves (a symbol of perfection, and arguably one of the greatest albums made in the last thirty years)

9 - Cowabunga! (if it makes you want to shout like a Ninja Turtle, you know it's good.)

8 - Awesome (worthy of repeated spins during the Holidays)

7 - Pretty Rad (generally, in order for an album of mine to stay in Holiday Season Rotation, it needs to be rated '7' and up.)

6 - Decent (once and awhile a '6' makes it into constant rotation, but only if it satisfies a previously-vacant Holiday music niche.  These albums almost always get 'Shelved':  I hold on to them - for the time being - but they lose turntable time for the duration of the Season.)

5 - Meh  (anything below this point is almost always put into my annual 'Donate to Goodwill' pile)

4 - Borophyll (there may be some redeeming qualities here that might make albums at this score appeal to some people, but definitely not Yours Truly.)

3 - Seriously? (comically bad, if you will.)

2 - Reality TV (there's only one thing shittier than Reality TV in my opinion, and that is. . .)

1 - Ohio (the Ninth Circle of Hell)

Good.  Now that everyone's been refreshed with how shit works around here, let's just go ahead and get started, shall we. . .

Album Title:  White Christmas

Album Artist:  Dennis Day Orchestra & Choir

I recently went into Radio Wasteland after a hiatus of nearly 10 months.  That's a long period of time, but one that was forced upon me by the fact that I've almost run out of record shelving for new albums, and, more importantly, the cost of vinyl over the last year has gone up astronomically.  

I, for one, refuse to spend $30 on a brand new LP. . . but that's a tale for another time, let's focus on Christmas jams this evening.  

Anyway, the whole reason I finally returned to my favorite record store was to get my grubby mitts on their collection of God-awful, Dollar Bin Holiday albums before society started hunting for Christmas music.  Jim, the owner of the store, usually makes a social media post towards the beginning of November advertising all the store's new and vintage Christmas releases, and I wanted to beat the rush this year.

Mission accomplished.

I walked out of his store with about 24 albums - which you'll have to suffer through over the course of the next couple years, I'm afraid - and this gem right here was among them.  I had already reviewed a good chunk of the artists I came across while digging through the Dollar Bin - many have had their moment in the spotlight on this Great Christmas Record Odyssey of ours - but I've never heard of this guy before.

Dennis Day.

At first glance, he looks like a pleasant, Burl Ives-ish sorta guy.  Jolly enough, but you know just by looking at him that he enjoys a whiskey and an off-color joke about 'an Oriental.'  I think it's the eyes - he definitely gives off vibes like he honestly wants to wish you a Merry Christmas, but if you wanna run your mouth like an asshole he has no qualms with putting his fist in it.  Dude probably served in a war (based on the dated packaging, I'm guessing it was The Big One), chain-smoked whatever he could get his hairy-knuckled hands on, and has a history of spousal abuse.

Still, the guy went out of his way to grab himself a brace of orphans for this picture.  The boy clearly doesn't mind sitting on Dennis' lap, but the girl doesn't seem thrilled with it.

Where the f*** is Dennis' hands?

Anyway, hokey packaging aside, this is a pretty bland affair from start to finish.  I was honestly hoping for something more comically bad than what we ended up with here:  Dennis can sorta sing, and the arrangements aren't terrible, per se (definitely heavy on the church organs, but the sound levels are at least mixed well.)  There's a choir doing background vocals, and they're subtle enough that you can never really tell if it's kids or women singing.  All in all, the non-religious songs on this album come across like just about anything else you'd hear coming out of the 1940s/50s, and the pipe organ-heavy, religious carols sound like they were performed during a church service.  Bland as beige paint and just as forgettable.

If anything, the most eyebrow-raising thing on this entire album is Dennis' voice - it does not match his appearance at all.  You'd think a dude looking like this would have a more booming or gruff voice, but he has this higher-pitched, softer voice (in that nasally, 1940s style, of course.)  While he can carry a tune without drawing anyone's ire, it wasn't expected and I'm kinda let down that we missed out on an opportunity for some classic, good ol' fashioned ridiculing.

Oh well, maybe next time.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (Nothing overly terrible here, and I'm sure this could appeal to some folks, but the entire affair is bland and lacks any kind of redeeming qualities for Yours Truly.  You hurt my feelings, Dennis.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Winter is Coming...

First Snow of the 2015 Winter

This has been a day loooooooong coming, America.

Today, for the first time in their lives, my daughters experienced the glory of a First Snow.

Sure, they've been in snow before, but they don't remember any of it (it was Christmas 2010, so the Cannonball was 2 1/2 and Abby 6 months old.)  Ever since the weather began to cool off (around mid-September, thereabouts), they've been asking about when the stupid snow will fall.

And today it did.

Of course, since it's been in the upper-40s/mid-50s range for weeks now, the ground is still fairly warm, so the likelihood of any snow actually staying on the ground is slim-to-none.  Still, forecasters initially said we'd get about four or five inches of snow throughout today, and - believe it or not, considering it is Michigan and all - they were right.

And so, I present to you now the girls' First Snow of the 2015 season. . .

We came up from the basement this morning and I saw the first flurries start to fall, so I told the girls and they promptly lost their shit.  After a few minutes, I started recording (still pissed I didn't get that initial reaction, though.)

Suited up and ready for snow (can you tell she's excited?)

Once the neighbor kids saw that our kids were outside frolicking in this stuff, they rushed over (and YES, Abby is eating the snow off my car.)

Troubleshooting one of our pre-lit Christmas trees.  I got this one from the Midland Community of Christ Church, which is closing its doors and consequently getting rid of a ton of stuff.  Mom didn't think this would work, but it totally does. . . so now our family has a fall-back/secondary Christmas tree for the Holiday season.  BOOYA.

Abby relishes in the fact that snow is edible.

Kris, fashionable as always, ventures forth into the cold to converse with our neighbors across the street.

Shoveling snow off my car is a collaborative activity.

(still eating snow.)

Time for the telephoto lens. . .

They'll hate the snow come February.  I keep tellin' 'em.

She has a possible career in window-washing ahead of her.

Only kids can pull of hats like this.  If I wore this around, I'd probably be arrested.

The kids try making their very first snow/grass angels.

Garland.  Keepin' it festive.

God's dandruff.

Snow on Ivy Lane

While other more 'Michigan-y' kids might make Snowmen, or other such works of art, this is what MY Florida-bred kids came up with.  Go figure.

- Brian

Christmas, Hough Style

Happy Holidays Everybody!

So Kris and I were both pretty bummed about not getting a White Christmas - I can remember such a travesty occurring only once or twice before in my entire lifetime, and both of those times I was already living in Michigan and had plenty of opportunities to gaze out at snow throughout the rest of Michigan's six-month long winter.  Now that we're stuck down in Florida, and only get to see snow once a year for a week or two, we kind of look forward to it.

Thanks a lot, Global Warming.

Anyway, our Christmas was pretty awesome this year.  I'd go into further detail, and give all of you the whole play-by-play, but that'd take a long, long time.  It's a lot easier to just redirect you to this website, where my Dad has uploaded a slideshow highlighting Hough Christmas '11.

Enjoy your Yulin', everybody.

- Brian

Christmas 2010

Christmas 2010 was a whirlwind, but we prevailed.

I 'd go into a long-winded shpeel about each, individual family Christmas celebrated - the Jordan/O'Conner/Laginess Christmas, the Hough Christmas, the Congleton Christmas, and the Hough/Waite Christmas - but it'd take forever, and no one outside our family would find any of it amusing. Nay, readers, instead, I figured I'd direct you here, and give you a quick glimpse into our hurried tour de force throughout mid-Michigan. Not quite a relaxing, White Christmas, but time with the family - as chaotic as it can be at times (and it often is with our family) - is always welcome.

Looking forward to the madness next year. Definitely.

Enjoy.