The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XCII

Boys and girls of all ages, I present to you now the return of America's Greatest Yuletide Event:

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey.

By now, as we come into my eighth 'season' of documenting this is, you should all know how this works, but in case you need a refresher of this, one of my all-time favorite Holiday traditions, here's a run-down.

Since I first started collecting vinyl, back in 2005, I've gotten into the habit of hauling out all of my Christmas vinyl at the start of the Holiday Pre-Season (now-ish, mid-November) and stacking it up in 'staging' area.  Then, over the course of the next month and a half, I methodically listen to every, single album, scrutinizing the holy hell out of it.  The good ones stay in rotation, and are played repeatedly throughout the year.  The okay ones are put aside for future use, but lose their spot in the playlist for the rest of the season.  The bad ones are ridiculed to shreds and donated to the nearest thrift store at the earliest possible convenience.

And then I go through the entire process all over again the following year, armed with a new stack of Christmas vinyl to burn through.

Now, as this is the first installment in this year's season of vinyl reviewin', I'll once again direct your attention to the cherished rating scale we use around these parts:

10 - . . . And Out Come the Wolves (a symbol of perfection, and arguably one of the greatest albums made in the last thirty years)

9 - Cowabunga! (if it makes you want to shout like a Ninja Turtle, you know it's good.)

8 - Awesome (worthy of repeated spins during the Holidays)

7 - Pretty Rad (generally, in order for an album of mine to stay in Holiday Season Rotation, it needs to be rated '7' and up.)

6 - Decent (once and awhile a '6' makes it into constant rotation, but only if it satisfies a previously-vacant Holiday music niche.  These albums almost always get 'Shelved':  I hold on to them - for the time being - but they lose turntable time for the duration of the Season.)

5 - Meh  (anything below this point is almost always put into my annual 'Donate to Goodwill' pile)

4 - Borophyll (there may be some redeeming qualities here that might make albums at this score appeal to some people, but definitely not Yours Truly.)

3 - Seriously? (comically bad, if you will.)

2 - Reality TV (there's only one thing shittier than Reality TV in my opinion, and that is. . .)

1 - Ohio (the Ninth Circle of Hell)

Good.  Now that everyone's been refreshed with how shit works around here, let's just go ahead and get started, shall we. . .

Album Title:  White Christmas

Album Artist:  Dennis Day Orchestra & Choir

I recently went into Radio Wasteland after a hiatus of nearly 10 months.  That's a long period of time, but one that was forced upon me by the fact that I've almost run out of record shelving for new albums, and, more importantly, the cost of vinyl over the last year has gone up astronomically.  

I, for one, refuse to spend $30 on a brand new LP. . . but that's a tale for another time, let's focus on Christmas jams this evening.  

Anyway, the whole reason I finally returned to my favorite record store was to get my grubby mitts on their collection of God-awful, Dollar Bin Holiday albums before society started hunting for Christmas music.  Jim, the owner of the store, usually makes a social media post towards the beginning of November advertising all the store's new and vintage Christmas releases, and I wanted to beat the rush this year.

Mission accomplished.

I walked out of his store with about 24 albums - which you'll have to suffer through over the course of the next couple years, I'm afraid - and this gem right here was among them.  I had already reviewed a good chunk of the artists I came across while digging through the Dollar Bin - many have had their moment in the spotlight on this Great Christmas Record Odyssey of ours - but I've never heard of this guy before.

Dennis Day.

At first glance, he looks like a pleasant, Burl Ives-ish sorta guy.  Jolly enough, but you know just by looking at him that he enjoys a whiskey and an off-color joke about 'an Oriental.'  I think it's the eyes - he definitely gives off vibes like he honestly wants to wish you a Merry Christmas, but if you wanna run your mouth like an asshole he has no qualms with putting his fist in it.  Dude probably served in a war (based on the dated packaging, I'm guessing it was The Big One), chain-smoked whatever he could get his hairy-knuckled hands on, and has a history of spousal abuse.

Still, the guy went out of his way to grab himself a brace of orphans for this picture.  The boy clearly doesn't mind sitting on Dennis' lap, but the girl doesn't seem thrilled with it.

Where the f*** is Dennis' hands?

Anyway, hokey packaging aside, this is a pretty bland affair from start to finish.  I was honestly hoping for something more comically bad than what we ended up with here:  Dennis can sorta sing, and the arrangements aren't terrible, per se (definitely heavy on the church organs, but the sound levels are at least mixed well.)  There's a choir doing background vocals, and they're subtle enough that you can never really tell if it's kids or women singing.  All in all, the non-religious songs on this album come across like just about anything else you'd hear coming out of the 1940s/50s, and the pipe organ-heavy, religious carols sound like they were performed during a church service.  Bland as beige paint and just as forgettable.

If anything, the most eyebrow-raising thing on this entire album is Dennis' voice - it does not match his appearance at all.  You'd think a dude looking like this would have a more booming or gruff voice, but he has this higher-pitched, softer voice (in that nasally, 1940s style, of course.)  While he can carry a tune without drawing anyone's ire, it wasn't expected and I'm kinda let down that we missed out on an opportunity for some classic, good ol' fashioned ridiculing.

Oh well, maybe next time.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (Nothing overly terrible here, and I'm sure this could appeal to some folks, but the entire affair is bland and lacks any kind of redeeming qualities for Yours Truly.  You hurt my feelings, Dennis.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian