The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. LXXXVIII

Merry Christmas from Trump Country . . 

Album Title:  Our Family Favorites

Album Artist:  Various Artists

This is, by far, the shittiest thing that has happened to me all Holiday Season.

I picked this up from Radio Wasteland for a buck, and I did so based solely on the corny album cover.  Just look at this nonsense:

You can tell that the folks who put this record together - and I'm gonna get back to those assholes in a minute here - were trying to convey a lovely group of family and friends, sitting around a large country living room during the Holidays, enjoying one another's company.  It's snowy as all hell outside, there's a tree up in the corner, a wreath on the large picture window in the background - all things point to Christmas, right?

Hell no.

To me this looks like a bunch of people waiting for a missing member to come home so they can spring an intervention on him.  If you look carefully at the faces of these people, only a few look happy - the rest are looking off camera, as if expecting someone at any minute.  And the way they're all seated around in a circle, clearly uncomfortable?  All signs point to bad news coming.  Just look at the woman in the blue dress - she's definitely impatient and wanting this whole damn thing to be over and done with.

And that's how I feel about this entire album, folks.  It's a lie.

I picked this up from the Christmas dollar bin assuming it was a Holiday album, but if there's anything here at all that's 'Christmas,' it's that Goddamn tree on the cover.  That's it.  Upon looking at the back track list - something I was too stupid to do then, but will definitely be doing from this point forward - I was horrified to find NOT ONE single Christmas song.  

Not.  One.

This is a collection of CHURCH songs.  And no, dear readers, not churchy Christmas songs (like 'Silent Night,' 'Hard the Herald Angels Sing,' etc.)  No.  This is straight-up church songs, prefaced by - way for it - Billy F***ing Graham.  They pulled the ol' bait-and-switch on us all, slapping a Christmas tree on the front cover, and even including a Holiday scene with people DECORATING CHRISTMAS TREES on the back (which, by the way, was 100% photographed on a movie lot, those aren't even real frickin' buildings):

Everything about this album is a LIE.

  

But hey, let's play Devil's Advocate here and rate the songs for what they are.  Let's pretend this isn't a Christmas Record Odyssey at all, and that for the past 87 episodes I've been reviewing Church Records instead.  Even then, I would butcher this horrible, dumpster-fire of an album - guys, it's really that bad.  This is one of the worst albums I've ever heard, and I've reviewed some really, really bad albums over the years.  

The song arrangements here vary between congregation gospel and cheesy 70s easy-listening, and in no way, shape or form is there one, single MOTHERF***ING song that is worth listening to (maybe the Cash one, but even this isn't all that good.)  About half of the songs on this album feature some of the worst singing I've ever heard in my entire life, making Kate Smith sound like Aretha Franklin.  There's ZERO commonality in the tone of the music, either - the only unifying element to this whole collection of bullshit are the mega-Christian lyrics.  It's like a mix tape slapped together by a neglected, dementia-ravaged grandmother hopped on goof pills and rotting away in her piss-soaked Depends. 

What's crazy about all of this is that Johnny Cash bothered to make an appearance.  I'm assuming this was after his TV variety show was cancelled in the 70s and he figured, 'Hell, a paycheck is a paycheck.' An outing of such notoriety is truly below him and the fact he signed on to this at all boggles the mind to no end.  

Almost as much as the fact that there are a few non-white artists on this album, because - as the Billy Graham intro, cavalcade of Evangelical artists, and Bible-thumping content suggest - this is clearly Republican territory, and they ain't necessarily known for tolerance.

God, I'm so pissed I spent money on this f***ing thing. . .

VERDICT:  1/10 - Ohio (If the Evangelical branch of Q-Anon made a Holiday album, it might sound like this.  Minus the conspiracy theories and references to blood-drinking Democrats, of course. . . but having some of that might've actually improved this album.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

For Santa

Seasons Greetings, America.

It certainly didn't feel like December out there this weekend, did it?  Personally, I'd attribute the 57-degree weather we had these last couple of days to global warming, buuuuut those Republicans out there reading this might not agree with, you know, the science.

Anyway.

Kris and I decided that seeing how the weather was eerily nice and all, we'd round up the offspring and shuttle them downtown for their annual visit with Santa at his Midland residency.  We always end up waiting in a line outside the Santa House for about a half hour or so, so we opted to do it while the weather was in the 50's, opposed to next weekend, when it's supposed to be in the 20's (you know, like it should be in December, in Michigan.)

There were a few different things to do downtown his year, actually:  once again, there was a train that cruised around the downtown area, along with horse-drawn carriage rides, free hot chocolate, and blocks of stores with special Holiday displays and themed activities.  We managed to do quite a lot in the hour and a half we were down there, and the kids really enjoyed themselves.  Definitely lucked out with the warm weather.

(Sorry about your luck, ice caps and polar bears.)

Smurf this:

The train showed up to the downtown area the same time we did, so the kids got to see it randomly driving down the street by Kris' church.

We showed up about a half an hour after the whole downtown Christmas thing started, and they already had the horses out taking people for rides around the block.

The kids in front of what I believe is Midland's City Hall.

Alayna's new thing is to turn an otherwise cute, family picture into. . . well. . . this.

Reeeaaally hilarious.

Kris' friend, Kim, came along to see Santa with us, and brought along her own daughter, Makayla.

We had waited about fifteen minutes in line for the carriage when I decided to 'switch lines' and hop in line in front of the Santa House instead.  When we had gotten in line for the carriage, we figured based on the number of people in front of us, we'd be on the next carriage.  As they loaded it up, however, they filled up with the folks directly in front of us, so we were at the front of the line for the next carriage instead.  That meant at least another twenty/thirty minutes of line-waiting and carriage-riding, before we moved over to the Santa House and got in line there.  I decided to take a bullet for the team and forego my chance of a horsey ride.

This is what was happening while I was just standing in line, like a sucker.

This guy decided to show up about ten minutes after I nabbed a quasi-close-to-the-front spot in the line.  I like to think he girls were all appreciative of my sacrifice today:  by the time they showed up, the line behind me was snaking down the sidewalk away from Santa's House (I was standing right in front of it, fortunately.)

Me and a couple of my roommates, standing in front of Santa's House.

Here's another one of my roommates.

They had actual reindeer on hand this year, which was pretty cool.

The kids were obviously pretty stoked about this.

Suddenly, these two started jostling and head-butting each other, trying to shove one another around with their antlers.  I've seen it happen in Bambi before, but never in person.

Abby tries to determine which two of Santa's reindeer are held in this pen.  In Midland, Michigan.

Here's your obligatory kids-in-front-of-place-we're-visiting picture.

Those statues don't look like elves so much as gnomes or dwarves. Someone doesn't know their Tolkien.

Being creepy.

After twenty minutes, we made it to the front of the line, right in front of Santa's ominous red door.  Abby had smacked Alayna in the back just as I took this picture, hence the weird looks on both girls' faces.  By this point, they were understandably funned out with waiting in line all afternoon.

Finally inside Santa's crib.

I think that woman in the pink jacket wants to kill my wife.  No idea why.

Couple kids in a sleigh.  We pounce on photo ops in this family.

And here's a couple of old people thrown in, for good measure.

Abby was mesmerized with these bottom-shelf animatronics and their self-playing piano.

How terrifying would it be if Makayla started shooting fireballs out of that hand?

This random gnome/elf/troll/whatever gives people in line the exact, same "what the f*** stupid crap just came out of your mouth?" look I give my students at school.

Next in line to see Santa.  Not that they're excited or anything. . . .

Santa and the Cannonball.

Santa, giving the kid the business.  Alayna asked him for a foot spa this year.  Seriously.

Abby's turn.

Abby gave Santa a laundry list of booty she wanted this year, including an RV Camper for her doll, Hatchimals, and some Star Wars stuff.

Photo op with both kids.

Santa got street cred this year.

Ka-boom.

Taking our leave from Santa's House. . .

We decided to hop in line for the train next, and were pleasantly surprised to see that due to our impeccable timing, we were able to literally just walk onto the train without having to wait.  Booya.

All aboard, ready for a 10mph ride.

Makayla was obsessed with the window.  Our girls had to repeatedly keep her from making out with the screen.

I lost track of how many times I had to yell at our kids for climbing on various Nativity animals this afternoon.

Leaving downtown and heading home.  I'm soooo glad we did this while it was still warm out. . . .

- Brian