The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. LXXXVIII

Merry Christmas from Trump Country . . 

Album Title:  Our Family Favorites

Album Artist:  Various Artists

This is, by far, the shittiest thing that has happened to me all Holiday Season.

I picked this up from Radio Wasteland for a buck, and I did so based solely on the corny album cover.  Just look at this nonsense:

You can tell that the folks who put this record together - and I'm gonna get back to those assholes in a minute here - were trying to convey a lovely group of family and friends, sitting around a large country living room during the Holidays, enjoying one another's company.  It's snowy as all hell outside, there's a tree up in the corner, a wreath on the large picture window in the background - all things point to Christmas, right?

Hell no.

To me this looks like a bunch of people waiting for a missing member to come home so they can spring an intervention on him.  If you look carefully at the faces of these people, only a few look happy - the rest are looking off camera, as if expecting someone at any minute.  And the way they're all seated around in a circle, clearly uncomfortable?  All signs point to bad news coming.  Just look at the woman in the blue dress - she's definitely impatient and wanting this whole damn thing to be over and done with.

And that's how I feel about this entire album, folks.  It's a lie.

I picked this up from the Christmas dollar bin assuming it was a Holiday album, but if there's anything here at all that's 'Christmas,' it's that Goddamn tree on the cover.  That's it.  Upon looking at the back track list - something I was too stupid to do then, but will definitely be doing from this point forward - I was horrified to find NOT ONE single Christmas song.  

Not.  One.

This is a collection of CHURCH songs.  And no, dear readers, not churchy Christmas songs (like 'Silent Night,' 'Hard the Herald Angels Sing,' etc.)  No.  This is straight-up church songs, prefaced by - way for it - Billy F***ing Graham.  They pulled the ol' bait-and-switch on us all, slapping a Christmas tree on the front cover, and even including a Holiday scene with people DECORATING CHRISTMAS TREES on the back (which, by the way, was 100% photographed on a movie lot, those aren't even real frickin' buildings):

Everything about this album is a LIE.

  

But hey, let's play Devil's Advocate here and rate the songs for what they are.  Let's pretend this isn't a Christmas Record Odyssey at all, and that for the past 87 episodes I've been reviewing Church Records instead.  Even then, I would butcher this horrible, dumpster-fire of an album - guys, it's really that bad.  This is one of the worst albums I've ever heard, and I've reviewed some really, really bad albums over the years.  

The song arrangements here vary between congregation gospel and cheesy 70s easy-listening, and in no way, shape or form is there one, single MOTHERF***ING song that is worth listening to (maybe the Cash one, but even this isn't all that good.)  About half of the songs on this album feature some of the worst singing I've ever heard in my entire life, making Kate Smith sound like Aretha Franklin.  There's ZERO commonality in the tone of the music, either - the only unifying element to this whole collection of bullshit are the mega-Christian lyrics.  It's like a mix tape slapped together by a neglected, dementia-ravaged grandmother hopped on goof pills and rotting away in her piss-soaked Depends. 

What's crazy about all of this is that Johnny Cash bothered to make an appearance.  I'm assuming this was after his TV variety show was cancelled in the 70s and he figured, 'Hell, a paycheck is a paycheck.' An outing of such notoriety is truly below him and the fact he signed on to this at all boggles the mind to no end.  

Almost as much as the fact that there are a few non-white artists on this album, because - as the Billy Graham intro, cavalcade of Evangelical artists, and Bible-thumping content suggest - this is clearly Republican territory, and they ain't necessarily known for tolerance.

God, I'm so pissed I spent money on this f***ing thing. . .

VERDICT:  1/10 - Ohio (If the Evangelical branch of Q-Anon made a Holiday album, it might sound like this.  Minus the conspiracy theories and references to blood-drinking Democrats, of course. . . but having some of that might've actually improved this album.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. LXIX

Alright, alright. . . we got another thrift store find to dust off and subject to some audio scrutiny.

Album Title:  The Gifts of Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

So, full disclosure here, I did not just pop this out of the sleeve and throw it on my turntable, folks.  I'm not a savage, give me some credit.  I picked this one up at the Bethesda thrift store a week or so ago (when I picked up that stack featuring a few of my previously-evaluated selections), and I gave each one of these sons-of-bitches a thorough cleaning on the ol' Spin Clean before dropping a needle onto them.  They were pretty gross.

The Wicker Man heralds the beginning of the Apocalypse.

So, this collection is from the 'Guideposts' people of Carmel, New York.  I have no idea what in the hell that means, but apparently this was a big deal and all, because this is an exclusive recording.  I mean, you can't just slap that name on any old album, can you?  God knows they paid out the ass for this top-tier art layout on the front cover (see right).  Check out the Wicker Man angel, for Christ's sake.  They only needed one picture for the front of this damn record, and that's the one they went with.

Maybe the music speaks for itself, so they didn't need to fork out a lot of dough on art direction, I don't know.  Let's see who exactly we're dealing with here:

Holy f***ing shit.

This is a Christmas no one alive still remembers.

You read that right, guys.  Percy Faith, Jim Nabors, Mitch Mitchell, Kate Smith.  That's like the Four Horseman of the Goodwill Vinyl Apocalypse.  I swear to God, if you go into a thrift store trying to find a diamond LP in the rough that is their moldy-smelling vinyl offerings, you're going to find each and every one of these assholes highly represented.  Wedged right in there among the Mantovani records, polka collections, church recordings, Mills Brothers, Lawrence Welk. . . you see where I'm goin' with this.

Well, these guys straight-up carpet bomb this album with shittiness.  I honestly can't see which one of these assholes I hate the most, they all sound like people pretending to sing.  Like, karaoke singing, if you will.  The arrangements themselves are of the Great Songs of Christmas variety, but lacking the Frank Sinatra and Julie Andrews talent that makes those compilations, while boring in their own right, at least somewhat palatable.

No, 70% of this album is pure garbage.  Like, 2/10 on the ol' Odyssey Rating Scale of mine, that's what we're dealing with here.  

But, then we have a couple rare glimpses of hope pop up from time to time.  A choir/instrumental medley on the third track of Side A isn't half-bad - if anything, it's generic background Christmas music.  Alas, when compared to the rest of the crap on this album, it shines like a frickin' star.  

Then, you have Johnny Cash with a track on here ('I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day'), and while it's not necessarily great (because, as I've said before, his Christmas songs rarely are), it's still Johnny frickin' Cash, and the man's mere presence on this record is enough to drag this sludge-fest up a point on its own.  Aside from him, there's a pretty soulful track from Mahalia Jackson (not sure if she's any relation to the dead child molester), who belts out a Southern Gospel-styled rendition of 'Go Tell It on the Mountain' that is way better than it should be, and, as such, stands out on this album like a sore thumb.

So, needless to say, consistency is definitely not this album's strong suit.  Honestly, I don't think it has one at all.  A dusting of songs on here are decent, most of the album is bottom-shelf, thrift store fare, and the arrangement styles are all over the damn place.  The only people who would possibly like this horrible, horrible collection are elderly people who shop daily at thrift stores, and who actually like artists like Percy Faith, Jim Nabors, Kate Smith, and Mitch Mitchell.

All the more reason for me to return this as soon as possible.  After all, there might be elderly women waddling about Salvation Army as we speak, looking for Christmas records to liven up the Hi-Fi's in their crotchet-covered living rooms.  And Christmas is a time for giving, America.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Boraphyll (A parade of Goodwill heavyweights let loose in all their shittiness, and not even Johnny Cash is enough to salvage this boring record from the dusty, mothball Hell from whence it came. . . and to where it'll be returning very shortly.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. LXVI

Welcome back, folks.  Today's installment should be pretty painless. . .

Album Title:  A Sparkling Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

So this one right here I initially came across on Amazon while browsing Holiday vinyl, but after adding it to one of my lists the price skyrocketed.  I hopped onto Discogs to see if the price was any better over there, and was fortunately able to pick up a 'champagne'-colored pressing for less than $20.  

Once again:  as gimmicky as it is, colored vinyl is pretty damn cool.

So, the track listing on this album may be one of the greatest I have ever seen on a Holiday compilation.  This is so jam-packed full of Christmas classics that you could make the argument that if you were only able to spin one album during the Holiday Season, it should be this one.  This is a Who's Who of yuletide classics, without any of what I like to call 'new classics' which usually appear on compilations like this (pieces of audio garbage like Maria Carey's 'All I Want for Christmas is You,' holiday offerings from Michael Buble and Josh Groban, everything those assholes in Pentatonix have ever recorded, etc. etc.)

I mean, just take a look at this f***ing track listing:

Yeah.  Seriously.

So, I think that the weakest track on this entire release is Johnny Cash's take on 'The Little Drummer Boy.'  As bad-ass as Johnny Cash is (he's easily in my Top Five all-time favorite artists), he sure did write some God-awful Christmas music.  But honestly, if the weakest song on your album is written by Johnny frickin' Cash, you know you have yourself a Holiday winner.   

VERDICT:  9/10 - Cowabunga! (A nearly perfect record, which loses a point from one or two less-than-stellar tracks that are still somewhat tolerable.  If I could rate this a 9.5, I would.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XXXIX

Hi fellas.

Who's ready for more Holiday jammitude?  Let's see what we got on the ol' docket today. . .

Album Title:  Country Christmas with Loretta Lynn and Friends

Album Artist:  Loretta Lynn, Various Artists

I'm not going to lie to you folks:  I love me some old school Honky Tonk.  Don't ask me how or why, I certainly didn't grow up around that stuff - I was raised on Classic Rock and Jim Henson.  Nevertheless, I'd place old Country/Western music (50s - 70s) among my favorite genres.  Johnny Cash is one of my top-five favorite artists, and there's a score of other old country singers that I absolutely love:  Hank Williams, Roger Miller, Waylon Jennings, and even this lil' gal right here, Loretta Lynn.  

Some super shitty, '70s-era Photoshop skills on display here.  Could they really not afford to photograph Loretta standing in front of this window?

I bought this album at the Salvation Army during the same visit I bought the two previously-reviewed turds, along with about seven other Holiday records I hope to review in the coming weeks.  I read 'Loretta Lynn. . .' on the cover and said, "Hell, I know exactly what I'm getting here."  I mean, she's one of those artists who always delivers to meet your expectations.  She's like a female, country version of Chuck Berry:  you only need to say her name and you know exactly what a song by her would sound like.

And for the most part, on this album, that rationale is pretty accurate.  

Side A of this album is all Loretta, with the B Side being split up between various old country singers (more on them later.)  Right out of the gate, Loretta kicks off into her usual sassy-voiced Honky Tonk girl swagger, and the tune works.  I'm pretty sure it's an original, and it's a solid Christmas jam.  If the entire A Side of this album followed this opening track's lead, this would be a pretty decent little Christmas album.

But it doesn't.

"Away in a Manger" comes up next, and Loretta is no longer the hands-on-her-hips, "nobody takes my man" singer we all know and love.  Instead, she sings the whole song in this creepy, sloppy whisper, where she tries and vibratos but it instead comes out as a drunken warble.  Over the years I've heard Loretta, in many of her songs, putting her foot down with a drunken fool of a husband, or the like.  Here, though, it turns out Loretta is the drunk, and she sings like she's trying to sneak in through her kitchen at 3am without waking the rest of her family up.

The lack of 'quality control,' if you will, is pretty jarring.

From Our Home to Yours.  Par for the course.

Side B is a fourth-tier offering of "hey remember that one song?" -artists from the late 60s/early 70s -era of Country Music.  That one guy that had that one song that was all the rage for a couple months back in '72?  Yeah, he has a song on Side B.  So's the guy that opened for him when they toured State Fairs that summer.  I could make more jokes along these lines, but I think you get the point.

As far as good ol' Country Christmas-type albums go, this isn't bad.  But there's a hell of a lot better ones out there, and my turntable is a pretty exclusive club these days.

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent (All in all, it's not a horrible album, per se, but it had potential to be a hell of a lot better.)

- SHELVED -