The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. LXXXVIII

Merry Christmas from Trump Country . . 

Album Title:  Our Family Favorites

Album Artist:  Various Artists

This is, by far, the shittiest thing that has happened to me all Holiday Season.

I picked this up from Radio Wasteland for a buck, and I did so based solely on the corny album cover.  Just look at this nonsense:

You can tell that the folks who put this record together - and I'm gonna get back to those assholes in a minute here - were trying to convey a lovely group of family and friends, sitting around a large country living room during the Holidays, enjoying one another's company.  It's snowy as all hell outside, there's a tree up in the corner, a wreath on the large picture window in the background - all things point to Christmas, right?

Hell no.

To me this looks like a bunch of people waiting for a missing member to come home so they can spring an intervention on him.  If you look carefully at the faces of these people, only a few look happy - the rest are looking off camera, as if expecting someone at any minute.  And the way they're all seated around in a circle, clearly uncomfortable?  All signs point to bad news coming.  Just look at the woman in the blue dress - she's definitely impatient and wanting this whole damn thing to be over and done with.

And that's how I feel about this entire album, folks.  It's a lie.

I picked this up from the Christmas dollar bin assuming it was a Holiday album, but if there's anything here at all that's 'Christmas,' it's that Goddamn tree on the cover.  That's it.  Upon looking at the back track list - something I was too stupid to do then, but will definitely be doing from this point forward - I was horrified to find NOT ONE single Christmas song.  

Not.  One.

This is a collection of CHURCH songs.  And no, dear readers, not churchy Christmas songs (like 'Silent Night,' 'Hard the Herald Angels Sing,' etc.)  No.  This is straight-up church songs, prefaced by - way for it - Billy F***ing Graham.  They pulled the ol' bait-and-switch on us all, slapping a Christmas tree on the front cover, and even including a Holiday scene with people DECORATING CHRISTMAS TREES on the back (which, by the way, was 100% photographed on a movie lot, those aren't even real frickin' buildings):

Everything about this album is a LIE.

  

But hey, let's play Devil's Advocate here and rate the songs for what they are.  Let's pretend this isn't a Christmas Record Odyssey at all, and that for the past 87 episodes I've been reviewing Church Records instead.  Even then, I would butcher this horrible, dumpster-fire of an album - guys, it's really that bad.  This is one of the worst albums I've ever heard, and I've reviewed some really, really bad albums over the years.  

The song arrangements here vary between congregation gospel and cheesy 70s easy-listening, and in no way, shape or form is there one, single MOTHERF***ING song that is worth listening to (maybe the Cash one, but even this isn't all that good.)  About half of the songs on this album feature some of the worst singing I've ever heard in my entire life, making Kate Smith sound like Aretha Franklin.  There's ZERO commonality in the tone of the music, either - the only unifying element to this whole collection of bullshit are the mega-Christian lyrics.  It's like a mix tape slapped together by a neglected, dementia-ravaged grandmother hopped on goof pills and rotting away in her piss-soaked Depends. 

What's crazy about all of this is that Johnny Cash bothered to make an appearance.  I'm assuming this was after his TV variety show was cancelled in the 70s and he figured, 'Hell, a paycheck is a paycheck.' An outing of such notoriety is truly below him and the fact he signed on to this at all boggles the mind to no end.  

Almost as much as the fact that there are a few non-white artists on this album, because - as the Billy Graham intro, cavalcade of Evangelical artists, and Bible-thumping content suggest - this is clearly Republican territory, and they ain't necessarily known for tolerance.

God, I'm so pissed I spent money on this f***ing thing. . .

VERDICT:  1/10 - Ohio (If the Evangelical branch of Q-Anon made a Holiday album, it might sound like this.  Minus the conspiracy theories and references to blood-drinking Democrats, of course. . . but having some of that might've actually improved this album.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Other Stuff That Happened in February

What's up, readers.

Soooooo this month was creepy.  60-degree weather half the time, barely any snow, raining like April.  Definitely a far-cry from February of 2016 (or, as it was referred to back then, Hothtember.)  A lesser man might be so inclined as to blame this somehow on carbon emissions, ecological negligence, and mankind's over-dependency on unsustainable fossil fuels.

But hey, Donald Trump says Climate Change is a hoax, so I guess this is just one of those natural, Earth cycles we're experiencing.

. . . .

Anyway, here's February.

Starting off, here's a really clean picture of our family basement.  'Cause our kids clean up after themselves.

This was from a couple weeks ago, when Cindy took Abby shopping at the Midland Mall (while Dad and I were out questing for vinyl.)

This year, for St. Patrick's Day, BP and I once again decided to run in the Clare Irish Fest 5K.  I asked Kris if she wanted to run this year with us, and she hesitantly agreed to it.  The training for the 5k posed a problem, though: what with our work schedules being what they are, multiple girl scout meetings per week, and an ongoing house quest to top it all off, finding the time for the two of us to run every evening was next to impossible.  In order to make training easier - and more convenient for us - we decided to buy a well-rated treadmill online, so that we could run at home and not have to worry about someone watching the kids.  This way we could squeeze 30-minute runs in any time, and all while watching Netflix - which is awesome.  Plus, we could both stand to be in somewhat better shape, since 40 is on the horizon and all.

The weekend Kris and Alayna were away at Girl Scout Camp (or whatever it was called, I don't know - I'm not privy to that information), Abby constructed a fort in the living room to sleep in.  Surprisingly enough she made it both nights in the living room without getting scared.

Some 'valentines' Abby made for Kris and Alayna while they were away.  I don't think she has a future at Hallmark.

I took Abby out to Applebee's for dinner once Dad and Cindy had left for Clare, and while we waited for our food Abby played around on one of the restaurant's interactive tablets that's available at all of their tables now.  Since there was no pricing information located anywhere in the menus, I assumed it was free. . . 'cause I'm an idiot.  Once I got the bill, I saw that the restaurant had charged us for the use of the tablet.  It wasn't much, but it was still enough to piss me off.

Indulging in an ice cream sundae. . . of which she she only ate half.  Same with her entre, and her side.  At least I was good enough to finish my Bell's Two Hearted. . .

Another shot of Abby's weekend quarters.

Alayna and Kris returned Sunday, and that evening Alayna had to decorate a cereal box into a Valentine's Day box (the holiday fell on the Tuesday of the coming week, so we were short on time.)

She decorated the box herself, and her overall 'theme' (if a third-grader could be credited with having one) was 'emojis.'

(I didn't draw any of these.)

Back at the Roll Arena, for a Valentine's Day field trip.  I offered to chaperone Alayna's third grade class, because since 2007 - my first year of teaching - I have sworn off teaching on Valentine's Day (middle schoolers are hormonal enough on a regular school day, thank you very much.)  Anyway, while we were there, Alayna spent very little time actually skating (shocking, I know), and instead quested for tickets in the arcade section.  She tried her luck at this particular game, which players somehow inflate the balloon and try and get it to pop. These things are usually a scam, but Alayna actually won 335 tickets from it by popping the balloon.

From that point forward, Alayna couldn't walk far without some random 8- or 9-year-old approaching her and asking her 'how to play the game.'  I'd call her 'Ticketmaster,' but that'd be mean:  I haven't yet forgiven them for price gouging in the early 2000s.  I'll hold a grudge, folks.

Having a healthy snack at the snack bar.

Okay, she did get out there once.  Baby steps, folks.  Baby steps.

I have no idea where, when or why this picture was taken.  It's weird and I'm a little uncomfortable about so many things in this picture going unanswered.  All I do know is that the woman in the background there sure is enjoying the hell out of her food.

Checking out a 'care package' from grandparents.

Part Valentine's Day, Part St. Patrick's Day.  It's easier this way.

This may be the creepiest thing I've ever found in Alayna's backpack. . .

Nobody ever believes us when we tell them our dog is one of the laziest animals they'll ever meet.  Usually, when Watson's around company or other dogs, he's wound up and barking, or otherwise in people's business, trying to be pet.  This, more or less, is how my kids behave when they're in 'show off' mode around extended family, so maybe the dog's just behaving like the girls. . .  or the girls are just behaving like the dog.  Who knows.  Either way, it's annoying.

When you're married to Col. Brian J. Hough, ladies, every day is Valentine's Day.

One of Alayna's BFFs, Madi, invited a small, select group of kids over to her house for a sleepover for her birthday party.  Her mom was nice enough to send Kris pictures as the night progressed, which included a lot of games, crafts, and activities for the kids to do.

Kris has entertained the idea of having a few of Alayna's closest friends over for something similar when it comes time to celebrate Alayna's birthday.  The bar has definitely been raised, though.

Some dog, begging for popcorn.

Some other dog, begging for popcorn.

- Brian

March Randomness

If February was the Month of Snow, than March is most definitely the Month of Michigan Not Making Up Its Frickin' Mind.

We've had a roller-coaster of varying weather this month.  One day it's mid-60s and sunny, and the very next day it's forty degrees cooler and dumping inches upon inches of snow.  A few different times this month, we tried washing and packing away all of the winter clothes for the season, assuming the cold weather was behind us, only to find ourselves digging out the snow pants and thick coats a few days later.

We're totally over this bullshit.

Aside from the weather, this month was basically comprised of the following:  my grandmother's previously-discussed passing and the acquisition of loot from her house (which ate up a few different weekends the first half of the month), St. Patrick's Day (which again fell on a school day but was celebrated the following weekend, stretching festivities over the course of a week), and Spring Break (the last ten days of the month, which found me house-bound with both girls and a few different bouts of fever.)

But here's some other crap that happened. . .

I had to take the girls with me to vote in Michigan's Primary, as I could only go after work and didn't want to drive back out once Kris got home from her work (and deal with the longer lines and crazy locals.)  Before we went in I made sure to talk with the girls about keeping my political views and party affiliations a secret from those around us (they know I'm a Bernie Sanders supporter and a member of the Democratic Party. . . not something I wanted 'Make America Great Again' hat-wearing Joe Doublewide in the voting booth next to me knowing.)

Alayna came down with a fever the second week of the month, and was out of commission and couch-ridden for a couple days.  Consequently, she binge-watched Netflix 'til her eyes bled.

Some alternate outfits from Kris and Abby's dress quest for the Daddy Daughter Dance this year. . .

The third week of March was Alayna's 'about me' week in her 2nd grade class (it had a more clever name, but I don't remember what exactly it was.)  Kris helped her design a board full of pictures and facts about her, and she got to present it to the rest of the class.

Taking questions from the audience.

One day during the month, Dad and Cindy swung by for a visit, with their dog Bailey in tow.  While they were in tow, they figured they'd visit Jeff and Annie, too. . . but they couldn't necessarily take their dog with them.  This is how Bailey behaved the entire time they were gone.

Abby misbehaved at school - I forgot what exactly is was that she did - so when she got home I hit her where it hurt:  she lost Star Wars privileges for the weekend.  I found this note stuck to the fridge one morning. 

Goofin' around with a Star Wars app on my phone. . .

Green pancakes the morning of St. Patrick's Day, which fell on a weekday this morning.

This tree outside the girls' school is a fan favorite.   And apparently not just with my kids, either:  there's always a line of kids queued up to screw around on this tree after school when I pick the kids up.

Abby in her natural environment.

If this game teaches kids anything, it's that not going to college is much more gratifying than pursuing a four-year degree.  I mean, seriously:  you don't need a degree to be an entertainer, a hair stylist, or an artist.  C'mon.

Another day, another appointment with a child.  Alayna's eye exam once again verified that she has perfect vision. . . for now.  She, and her sister, are both totally screwed eventually:  both Kris and I wear glasses, and all four of our parents do/did as well.  Plus all of our grandparents did.  Our kids don't have a prayer.

What the hell is this?

March.  Totally not making up its Goddamn mind.

A sick girl and her dog. . .

I hate you, Michigan.

- Brian