The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. LXX

Welcome back, Internet.  We got ourselves some good ol' fashioned, soul-saving Christmas cheer today

Album Title:  Come on, Ring Those Bells

Album Artist:  Evie

I'm not gonna lie, folks - I totally picked this one up due to the ridiculous cover art.  I found this in my previously-discussed stack of vinyl that I scored at the Bethesda thrift store, across from my school, where you can score vinyl for an unheard of 59 cents apiece.

And this baby?  I couldn't pass this one up.  I mean, just look at this chick:

If warm milk, abstinence, and homophobia was a person.

Yes, somebody once paid $8 for this.

So many thoughts went through my head when I first saw this lady on the cover of this album.  First of all, who the hell is this 'Evie' lady?  The one-name moniker - who in the hell does she think she is, Cher?  Madonna?  Meatloaf?  Is she some sort of Scandinavian super-star?  A Partridge-Family, G-rated, fun-for-the-whole-family balladeer?  Is this a independently-funded release by a big dreamer who had to eventually grow up and realize she wasn't going to be a Carpenter sister, and had to eventually get a job ringing up groceries somewhere in Kansas?

Nope on all accounts, I guess.  Squeaky-clean, country-ish, Christian Music singer.  Go figure.

Note:  after writing this review, I hopped onto Wikipedia and found out she is Scandinavian. . . so I'm not too far off base.

Folks, this is the least-offensive record I've ever heard.  There's zero mention of Christmas trees, Santa, reindeer, snow, and certainly not mistletoe - why, that would offend our LORD.  Barn-born Baby Jesus, folks.  Nope, this is soul-saving, Nativity-centered, family-focused, Christian Christmas music.  None of that pagan, yuletide blasphemy to be found here, no thank you.

This chick probably spends a lot of time praying.  Hopefully for some dental work:

Believe it or not, this album actually came with a free poster inside.  A poster of a soft '70s Christian music performer.  You gotta wonder who the target demographic for this was.  Was this targeted for teens, who would otherwise be putting up LP posters of Kiss or the Beatles on their bedroom walls, but, because their parents are Jesus freaks, they're not allowed to?  So they have to hang up posters of Evie instead?  Do you want to see the bedroom of a person who would actually hang this up on their wall?  I sure as hell wouldn't - that would be terrifying.

The first of two sentimental messages on this album. . .

"Have you any room for Jesus?" she asks on Track 3.  Um. . . how much room is he looking for, exactly?  How much room does he take up?

Anyway, as for the music itself goes, this is pretty typical '70s soft country/pop fare.  The production value itself is actually way better than I would've expected:  I can't tell if she was just a behemoth of the '70s Christian Music circuit, or else these are all pre-recorded song arrangements and she just rented the studio time to come in and lay down a vocal track over top of them.  

Honestly, I'm not sure which scenario would be more fitting, here.

Everything on this LP is slow-tempo, low-key, and waaaay overly-heartfelt, bordering on the dramatic.  And certainly, while this Evie can definitely carry a tune (I imagine she was all the rage in her congregation's choir growing up), I find myself being turned off by her delivery.  

I think the problem with this record is that there's too much Jesus on this record for me to accept it.  Please don't get me wrong here guys, I'm not bashing Christian music, and I do love religious Christmas carols - done right, they can be moving pieces of music that completely capture the Season.  But even church services this time of year feature Christmas Trees. Completely neglecting the imagery of the Holiday Season - because it's takes away from the 'true meaning of Christmas,' blah, blah, blah - especially on a Christmas album, is jarring.  

No.

By all means, Evie, stock your track list with religious Christmas carols, that's totally fine, lady.  But throw in a couple songs about the other stuff as well.  Balance it out.  Maybe sing about the beauty of the winter landscape as you and your beloved husband - who sleeps in a separate bed, obviously - walk back from your nightly three-hour church service.  Sing about the Christmas Trees that are on display in the windows of the Planned Parenthood you and the rest of your church activist group are protesting during this festive Holiday season.  Because only nut-jobs drinking warm milk and not buying their children Christmas presents (because it would take attention away from Jesus) would appreciate this album.

And it's 100% obvious to Yours Truly that that is your target audience, Evie.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna mix myself up an egg nog and rum and blast some of Bad Religion's Christmas Songs (8/10 on the Odyssey Rating Scale, folks.)

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (It gets a couple bonus points for the production quality and song arrangements, which, oddly enough, are pretty acceptable.  Buuuut if Trump's evangelical base could release a Christmas album, this would be it.  There seems to be no tracks about Democrats stealing children in order to use them as sex slaves and blood donors, though. . .)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

May Days

Donald 'Dump,' according to my kids.

Oh my dear God, America.

I think May just happened.

Seriously, what the hell was that?  Was that a month?  It felt like an extended weekend with a few work days tacked on the end. That was insane.  This cover of Rolling Stone (that my one of my kids defaced with a red pen) just about wraps up how this last month felt.  Packing, ending the school year, signing paperwork, more packing, celebrating birthdays, girl scout bullshit, more packing, soccer, more paperwork, even more packing. . .

I'm ready for summer, folks.

Here we go. . .

Starting off the month with some more day-to-day pictures from around the house, taken by Alayna (I know I've said this before, but the kids' pictures are a pretty cool supplement to the pics Kris and I take - we've gotten into the habit lately of bringing the girls' cameras with us on family trips.)

On guard

Some questionable school outfits

Not sure what's happening here. . .

My designated Friday to bring in snacks to work for the rest of the teachers in my building coincidentally fell on our annual Health and Wellness Day, where we were all supposed to be super healthy and active with our students.  Some men just want to watch the world burn. . .

Abby's on-again, off-again beau randomly bought this for her from the 'school store' and delivered it to our house one afternoon.  I'm not ready for this crap yet.

Piano lessons

Winding down this Spring's unenthusiastic soccer season

Mom brought the cousins over one Saturday for a visit while Jeff and Annie were away at some wedding

Abby's best friend, Larkin, was unable to attend Abby's sleepover birthday bash, so they had a whole-day play date and their own sleepover instead.  They kicked things off with an outing to the Roll Arena.

Back at the house, opening presents

A fairy garden (these two are big into playing fairies - which is weird because Abby has little interest with fairies unless she's playing with Larkin.)

Later in the evening, we took the kids out for bowling at Northern Lanes, and also caught dinner there while we were at it.

Moment of Zen

Slainte

The next morning, following a Moana-filled sleepover, the girls ate breakfast and started assembling their Fairy Garden

While repacking up totes, I stumbled across this old shirt from the Peace Corps.  The Northern Brigade was one hot mess.

Kris pulls up the jungle of weeds in the back'yard.'  I was in favor of just leaving them be, since we were moving out in  a week anyway, but Kris has been hell-bent on leaving the place 'nice' for whomever rents it next.  She's a better person than I am.

Another morning dove decided to nest on our house (first on the ladder hanging on the shed, then above the lamp by our front door, and now on the window sill outside our half-bathroom.)

A week or so later, I stumbled across another old Peace Corps shirt that had been used to wrap up something fragile.  I think all we did back then were go out to bars and have t-shirts printed up.

Some people put cars in their garage.  The Houghs put empty cardboard boxes.

Ol' Snaggletooth

Abby's Fairy Garden (sans real fairies.)

Appeasing the wife for Mother's Day

I recently sold a crate of old vinyl back to Radio Wasteland - mostly crap I didn't want, far from valuable, but there were a few sellable LPs in there for them (I told the owner he could just have the crappy stuff for free.)  I opted for $40 in store credit, and he graciously traded me nearly outright for these two limited edition, colored LPs from two of Michigan's greatest bands - I was floored.  To top it off, hat MC5 album is rather rare, and sounds amazing.

New additions to the household

The crap my kids blow money on. . .

The Squad, inexplicably standing on a brick wall for whatever reason.

Taking into consideration Abby would be getting her own Star Wars-themed bedroom in our new home, and the walls were going to be dark grey and purple (to match Abby's bed set), Kris decided to repaint the girls' existing dresser, which has been designated for that room now.

I've lost count of how many times we've painted this damn thing.

Rockin' some new, non-prescription glasses to school

And now for some random shots from around our house, so you can see what kind of disaster we've been living in this last couple of months . .

These large, long cardboard boxes underneath that camera bag and milk crates are my new IKEA Kallax shelving for my vinyl.  It took a special trip down to scenic Canton, MI for those stupid things, but they're going to look glorious set up in the new Study. . .

Bunk beds, disassembled forevermore. 

Storage room has been basically emptied and purged - that was my first order of business, just gutting this room of all unnecessary bullshit I had no intention of moving into the new house.

Today, the last day of the month, I went over to the new house with Rick to give it a final walk-through before signing the paperwork (which we're doing this Friday, June 2nd.)  This was the first time I got to see the inside of our new shed, which was cool.  Most of this stuff is staying behind, which is awesome.

Some random shots of our new backyard

Kris and Rick hadn't seen the point in a final walk-through, but I wanted to get a last look at the place, just in case something fishy was going on. . . and, in the end, I was right.  The extra refrigerator that had previously been in the storage room was suddenly unplugged and ready for shipment, in the middle of the garage.  This was an oversight by the selling agent, who failed to mention to the sellers that we had asked for this spare fridge in the purchase agreement, so they had every intention of moving it to Colorado.  I had Rick call the agent and put an immediate stop to this, so basically now we have a spare fridge in the garage instead of the Storage Room.  Whatever.  I'm just glad I caught it at the last second - that would've sucked to have lost my beer fridge.

I think most of this crap is going with the sellers.  We'll see what's left behind on Friday morning.

Back to the backyard.  We're getting the riding lawnmower dropped off on Saturday - it'll definitely come in handy with a yard this size.

We eventually want to build on a back screened-in patio sunroom-thingy where this existing square of blocks are.

Two more days and it's ours. . .

- Brian