A Fair to Remember

So, I'm just gonna go out ahead and lay it all out for you folks.

I f***ing hate County Fairs.

This poor excuse for local entertainment caters to the low-brow and trashy: horrible, diabetes-inducing, cholesterol-laden 'food,' creepy Carnies, rigged games of chance, dollar bin rides, and all the smelly-ass livestock you could ask for.  This is where Chinese knock-off products meet-and-breed with white-trash, trailer-dwelling 'Merica douchebags. The entire place smells of grease, fat, animal waste, and - because it's 2023 and everything - marijuana. 

Everywhere.

Kris and I have been fortunate enough to evade this place ever since moving back to Michigan in 2015. We've always had last-minute 'other plans' when the fair comes to town, and for awhile our kids were too young and naive to realize anything was up. Over the last couple of years, however, our ruse was becoming more evident to them - they slowly became aware of the involuntary grumbling from Kris and I whenever the word 'fair' came up in our house. 

This year, with both of them being teenagers with big groups of friends - and apparently this is like the thing to do if you're a teenager in Midland these days - they begged us and begged us to the point where we no longer had any resolve.

We relented, and drove the stupid kids to the stupid fair.

Kris purchased the girls these wristbands that were like $25, which covered admission and unlimited ride access (and, to be fair, is a good deal if you plan on doing nothing but rides the entire time you're there.) We got there in the afternoon, where the girls met up with Ella and her cousin in order to get some lunch/dinner at some spaghetti place (seriously) next door to the 4H area where Ella was working for the weekend (more on that in sec.)

And so here you go, folks - this is how the ol' Hough Family spent the day/evening at the Midland County Fair.

*spits into brass spittoon for emphasis*

Ella convinced Abby to get the same spaghetti as her because, according to Ella, it was 'the best spaghetti in the world.' I didn't try it, but it looked like straight-up prison food. After both kids had eaten their fill - and we had sat at the picnic table for, like, a half a frickin' hour, Abby continued trying to force-feed her friend.

After spaghetti, Ella took us all into the big, smelly animal barns to check out her 4H animals. My buddy Erik (her dad) convinced her to try it out this year, and so she had to train, raise, and take care of several different types of farm animals - multiple times per week - throughout the summer. Here's Ella's goat.

Ella's guinea pig.

Ella's turkey.

More Snapchat selfies, courtesy of Alayna's phone.

Ella's duck.

Ella shows off her duck's wing (for some reason. . . I think that's a thing they have to do for the judges.)

After checking out the livestock for a hot minute, we walked into the ride area of the fair so the girls could start making use of their wristbands. Kris and I were already beyond bored at this point in time.

Into the fun house. . .

Are the cartoon gangster people supposed to be cool? Like I see this as the sorta shit you'd see air-brushed onto an over-sized, white t-shirt in a crappy souvenir store.

The fun house, I'm told, was far from 'fun,' so the troop moved on to the next attraction.

For all of these rides, you had to wait in line anywhere from 10 - 30 minutes. This one wasn't too bad, seeing how it was still in the afternoon and a lot of the folks there were families with small kids, the elderly, etc.  It's not until after dark when all the middle and high school kids come out and start clogging up the place.

Emily - one of Abby's other friends, Abby and Alayna.

After the Cliff Hanger, they walked over to the neighboring whatever-it's-called (some ride where you drove around in a circle really fast.)

Alayna, Josie (Ella's cousin), Emily, Abby, and Ella.

Seriously. This doesn't even look fun. . .

. . . but tell that to these two.

As if they weren't already nauseous yet, they decided to hit up the ol' 'pirate ship' ride next (you know, the one that's like a giant swing.) All of these lines were still pretty decent at this point in time.

(You can spot Alayna third from left, sitting next to a random stranger.)

Having the Time. Of. My. Life.

The girls went on this one next - which threw you up into the sky, twirled you around like a frickin' rag doll, then swung you back down again. I can't tell which feet belong to our kids, but they're up there.

I feel like I could do this one.

Another .5 wide-angle pic, courtesy of the Cannonball.

Ella and Emily, on yet another ride where you get flung around in a circle and want to throw up.

Around dinner time, Kris and I left the girls on their own - with a little cash if they needed more food and drinks - and drove home. On our way out of the fair, we noticed that traffic was backed up at the entrance for miles - everyone and their brother was trying to get into the same place we were leaving.  After a couple glorious hours at home, we headed back towards the fairgrounds in order to pick up the girls, and were pleasantly surprised that we didn't have to wait in any kind of a line to re-enter the place.

Upon entering, Kris texted the girls to find out where they were and they said they were up in the Ferris Wheel, towards the back of the fair. On the way there, it was beyond evident that the clientele of the place had changed - about 95% of the place was aged 13 - 21. And all you could smell was weed and vape smoke.

Not one of our better selfies - I look a solid ten years older than I am. I blame this, too, on the fair.

One of the girls snapped this from atop the Ferris Wheel while they were up there. You couldn't pay me enough to go on something like this.

We agreed - after much, much begging - that the girls could do one, more ride on our way out of the fair, so the girls hopped in a long (but mercifully short wait) line. At the last minute, Alayna opted out so Abby (shown here) is giving her hell for it.

Emily and Abby, once again spinning around in frickin' circles.

So, in conclusion, I still f***ing hate County Fairs.

- Brian

Meanwhile, Back on the Farm....

Howdy, y'all!

The Gates of Hell

I'm speaking in farm-speech because I had to chaperone on one of Alayna's Daisies (Girl Scouts) field trips to Green Meadows Farm, down in Kissimmee.

. . .and by 'chaperone,' I of course mean 'avoid forced small talk with other parents and instead hide behind two cameras, taking copious amounts of pictures.'

Kris LOVES when I do this.

Check it out:

Our tour guide happened to be the director of the place, since the farm was dead today.  She later told us it was mostly likely due to the fact that there was 100% humidity and the heat index registered at 103.  Perfect weather for walking through animal feces.

Alayna tugging on some cow's tits (technical term.)

The Peanut Gallery

There were a couple male siblings accompanying their sisters on this Daisies field trip, and as you can tell here, they're obviously not as excited to ride ponies as their siblings.

PONY TIME

She asked me if we could get one of these for a pet. . .

. . . I'll have to run it by Kris.

All aboard. . .

This was a ten-minute train ride that went around the perimeter of the farm, which is located on the outskirts of Kissimmee.  It's been in the same family for generations, and they've done a pretty good job of turning the property into a glorified petting zoo.

This building creeped me out a little bit.  Basically a giant warehouse filled with antiques and odds and ends, with a bunch of cages in the center of the room housing guinea pigs, rabbits, and other small mammals.  They also had parrots and fish in there. All in all, something you'd expect to see in a serial killer's house.

This is Alayna's scout leader (den mother, whatever the hell they're called.)  And yes, that furry thing peed on her.

Swarming a bunny.

Randomly, this place has a water buffalo. . . nowhere near water.  I guess they lead it to a river or lake once a month so it can get its fix, but that still sounds like a pretty shitty deal to me.

Ever wonder what the product of a horse boning a zebra would turn out like?  No?  Well this is it right here.  It's called a Zorse.  And no, I'm not making that up.  Scientists are really, really clever people.

You wouldn't believe the amount of hand sanitizer this kid used today. . .

(That's one of Alayna's best friends, Holly, on the left)

At some point in time in your life, someone may ask you, "I wonder where the oldest donkey in the world lives."  You can now reply to them, "Kissimme, Florida."  You're welcome.

Smells like home.  And Africa.

Demonstrating how to hold poultry. . . a skill none of these kids will ever have to master in life.

I guess they stopped letting kids handle the chicks for awhile, seeing how so many over-zealous preschoolers were murdering so many of the little things by handling them like toys.  Evidently, they've decided to allow this once again.

Ducks bite.  I didn't volunteer to hold one of these for the kids to pet.  Screw that.

Still hot as shit out.  Just in case you were still wondering.

On to goats. . . my most hated of all livestock.

I made the mistake of asking the tour director if they raised any goats for human consumption.  She got a little freaked out by this question, and didn't really talk to me the rest of the day.  Whatever - goat's delicious.

Chow time

Visiting the ol' hen house.

They let the girls run around and try and pick up chickens, which, just as The Legend of Zelda has taught us over the years, isn't as easy as one might think. . .

Alayna overcame her prior fear of poultry (seriously) and actually chased down and subdued several chickens while we were in the hen hizzy.

Spoils of the hunt

Washing hands.  Again.

Just like the Fountain of Youth, there were wild peacocks all over the place - walking around without a care in the world, and definitely not afraid of touring groups.

We closed out the day going on a ten-minute hay ride around the property, which was fun for the kids, but bumpy and scratchy as all hell.  I don't get the public appeal of this at all.

Getting some water for the road

Peacock in a tree (I didn't know they could fly. . . but that makes a lot more sense than him climbing up the tree, I guess.)

Everything about clowns sucks.  Seriously.  Name one cool thing about clowns and I'll give you $100.

On our way out of the farm, I let Alayna buy some chips and some cheap-ass souvenirs from the front kiosk/store.  She did a pretty good job throughout the day, especially considering how god-awful hot it was.  

- Brian