Abigail at the Petting Zoo

Man, if it's one thing that will try a man's soul, it's an elementary school field trip.

I rarely jump for joy when I get 'volunteered' for one of these, but, being a parent and everything I'm sort of obligated to follow through.  Part of the whole 'Dad' thing, I guess.  Kris gets way more into than I ever do, but she's a mom, so maybe that's not all that hard to believe.  They're wired all screwy.

I've chaperoned a few of Alayna's school trips in the past (one most recently in April, if you'll recall), but this time around I'd be helping out Abby's kindergarten class on a half-day outing to a local petting zoo farm in Freeland.  I took the day off for this fiasco, which, all in all, wasn't too horrifying, but did - without a doubt - reinforce my previous belief that I had made the absolute right choice pursuing a career in middle school education instead of elementary education.

Those teachers have their hands full.

Check it out. . .

The class boards the field trip bus.  I didn't realize it, but Abby would later tell me that this would be her very first ride on a school bus, which I didn't get to experience first hand because the school had the adult chaperones drive separately to the petting zoo farm.  Why?  Who knows.

This was a PM field trip, so upon arrival the first thing the teachers did was feed the kids lunch. Abby's a big fan of lunch.

I was a little too slow to pull out my phone for this pic.  There were a few other kids with their heads in there prior to me finally taking a picture, but, by then, well. . . .

I don't care if this is where milk comes from, this is just gross.

(In case you were curious as to what the inside of a cow looks like, here you go.)

Mrs. Vandenboom's kindergarten class.

I'm assuming they usually look more like this.

On the farm, getting ready for the big tour. . .

Mustering of troops

The first stop on the tour was a barn where they had a bunch of unwilling animals standing around, waiting to be man-handled (child-handled?) by a bunch of five- and six-year-olds.

Time for a lecture on animal care and whatever else.

Abby's friend/beau, Jackson, was one of two students out of the entire kindergarten to get to feed a baby cow from some plastic bottle.

(Clearly, Abby was excited about this.)

After the feeding, they split the kindergarten in two, with half of the kids staying behind in the barn to take turns holding various barnyard animals while the other - us, as it were - got to board a giant trailer for a 'hayride.'

This kind of thing is always funny.  Whether you're five or thirty-five.

After our lackluster hay ride, we returned to the barn and the two kindergarten groups switched places, with our regiment of midgets now getting to grope and feel an assortment of unwilling barn animals.. .

Sweet Christ, I hate goats.

The only animal I hate more than goats is cats.  Also known as God's mistake.

(It's a baby bird.  I couldn't tell you what kind.)

That sheep looks pissed.

After some heavy petting, the kids were instructed to line up on the far side of large field, and were each given cups of animal feed (you know, the crap that looks like dog food but smells much, much worse.)  Across the way, behind a fence and locked gates, were several paddocks full of sheep and goats.  Across the empty field, the livestock and children stared at each other.  In my life I have never experienced such tension.

Chaos.

After awhile, Abby ran out of animal feed, so she decided to start feeding the animals grass instead.  I would have made fun of her for this, but, believe it or not, the animals kept eating it.  Whatever.

Some more involuntary petting.

Why was this here?  These are the questions I don't ask at petting zoos farms.

BFFs.  Or at least until she forgot all about it.

Get on da bus!

- Brian

A Day Off of Work (...sort of.)

As a dedicated educator of the bright minds and great leaders of tomorrow glorified babysitter, I earn a whopping ten paid days off a year.  Seriously, that's it.  Some teachers never use their full ten days, and therefore roll them over into the following year.  I know teachers at my school who have something like thirty or forty days off available.  Me?  Thanks to my two germ-magnet offspring, I burn through mine every year without fail.

It's really, really awesome.

So it should go without saying that I value my days off, and try to only use them when absolutely necessary. You can imagine, then, my reaction when Kris asked that I chaperon Alayna's first grade class to the infamous Green Meadows Farm - a giant petting zoo set in the forest outside of Kissimmee.  Trading in a precious paid day off of work for five hours of bumpy bus rides and walking around disgusting animals, all the while sweating under the oppressive Florida sun and trying to wrangle a horde of wild six-year-olds.

In the end - unsurprisingly - I did what my wife asked.  I've been married for a long, long time, I know how this works now.

Check it out. . .

On the bus, heading towards Green Meadows. . .

Goats.  My most-hated of all God's creatures on Earth.  Bar none.

See this kid?  All I heard today from other girls in Alayna's class was how Alayna and this boy 'like each other.'  Not that I needed their reporting on the issue - I've heard about this kid since the beginning of the school year.  We're going to have our hands full with this girl once she gets to Middle School. . .

I think it'd suck to be a petting zoo animal, being man-handled (kid-handled?) by annoying children all day.

That's Alayna's teacher, Mrs. Hall, off to the left there.  She's really awesome - we're glad Alayna got her this year.

Nobody thought to bring a camera with them for this trip, so Mrs. Hall asked me to take pictures with my phone of the class - so if there's a bizarre amount of other children in these pictures, that's why.  I edited them down quite a bit, though.

Feeding goats. . . arguably the most disgusting activity at this place.

Preparing to enter Duckburg.

See how the ground's wet there?  It hadn't just rained or anything - I'm pretty sure that's urine.  These ducks/geese were absolutely terrified of these kids, and worked themselves into a corner to try and get away from grabby hands. 

Nothing says 'down on the farm' like peacocks.

Ready for a hay bail ride. . .

Spotting horses

Waiting in line to ride ponies 

I ended up taking a couple pictures of each kid from Mrs. Hall's class, but I doubt you guys want to see any of them besides this kid.

Thug life.

Shenanigans.  I was in charge of watching these three.  Other chaperons were given groups of five or six kids, so I was alarmed when I was given such a small group.  Obviously Alayna was in my group, but - being the only male chaperon on hand - they gave me the two class behavior problems.  In the end, it wasn't bad, though.

Duck wrangling.

Definitely doesn't look like forests back home in Michigan, does it. . .

These are some of the girls Alayna usually hangs out with, and probably should have been grouped with.  Had Kris chaperoned this trip, I'm sure she would have. . .

Ready to bother some chickens. . .

Over the years, the Cannonball's gotten pretty good at stalking and picking up chickens.  She's been to Green Meadows Farm a time or twelve.

Alayna shares a chicken with her "boyfriend."

An absolute hen hizzy.

My phone died right after this, so there's no photographic evidence of the big class picture taken in front of a tractor, or the train ride, but you basically get the gist of the field trip.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a bath in some bleach.

- Brian