The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. LXXIV

 Okay, guys.  Let's get this one over with. . .

Album Title:  Home for the Holidays

Album Artist:  Various Artists

So, again from the depths of the Bethesda stack of vinyl I've been working through this year, comes this shining Yuletide turd.  I knew this one was going to be a comically bad Christmas album the second I picked it up.  Just take a gander at the cover art on this sum'bitch - a young couple showing up on the doorstep of an elderly woman (one would assume being the mother or grandmother of one of the two younger adults), not really ridiculous by any means.  So what's the big deal?  

The small mutant the man is carrying.

Behold Kuato.

This little kid - which is, I believe, the love spawn of the couple - is so poorly illustrated that it resembles not so much a young child as it does Kuato from Ah-nold Schwarzenegger's 1990 so-bad-it's-good sci-fi thriller, Total Recall.  The likeness is so uncanny that it borders on copyright infringement, but, you know, this album was released in 1978, thirteen-ish years before the movie.  Whatever.

Anyway, poorly executed cover art aside, this release promises to be absolutely God-awful by just observing the featured artists on the track listing.  I mean, just look at this train wreck - this is a Who's Who of a Holiday Dumpster Fire:

Pat Boone kicks things off on Side A, Track 1, with a warm-milk version of 'Hark the Herald Angels Sing,' which, you know, is supposed to be a song to praise the birth of Christ, and sung triumphantly. . . not sung like you were trying to softly console someone on their death bed.  Lawrence Welk similarly puts everyone in the lobby to sleep on 'Silver Bells,' with his living room organ (you know, the type your grandparents had) whirling with warbly abandon. 

A handful of instrumental tracks, while not necessarily horrible, are so boring that they fade into the background (the exception being Robert Shaw's take on 'Hallelujah' from Handel's Messiah, which is decent.)  I mean, even actively listening to his album - like you do when placing a record on a turntable - it's still easy to overlook when the instrumentals begin and end on this album.  They're short to begin with, and just kinda bleed together in an endless sea of laize-faire Holiday blah-ness, almost serving as filler between the total disaster bombs that are the vocal tracks on this release.

And Holy Goddamn Shit, another children's choir?  What's up with these vintage Christmas album producers?  As bad as some of these other acts may be, they throw in a frickin' children's ensemble to perform 'Jingle Bells.'   This, without the common decency to even try and sound like a church choir (which, at the very least, is somewhat excusable - maybe sing a soprano-ish 'Silent Night' or something.)  No.  These little assholes sound more like an unrehearsed 3rd grade class in a crappy school Christmas program, shouting (yes, not singing) at the top of their lungs.  This is only somewhat cute when your own kid is in the 3rd grade class performing, and you've got a sweet vantage point from which to record some home video.  

Even then, the entire experience is far from 'awesome.'  It's tolerable at best.

So yeah, on an adult, at-the-time 'contemporary' compilation, throwing a bunch of children shout-singing onto the track listing is a completely stupid move.  It's a slap in the face (which, admittedly, would wake you up from this otherwise snooze-fest of a record.)  To put a cherry on top of this corn-riddled, steaming pile of shit - this children's ensemble is none other than the f***ing Brady Bunch.  Like, from television.  Recording a frickin' Christmas song on an otherwise made-for-adulst compilation.  

I hope this record producer was dragged out into the alley behind the studio and beaten to death with his own shoes.

So is there any saving grace on this album?  Yeah, yeah there is.  

Loretta Lynn has a spunky little number on the opening track of Side 2, 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town,' delivered in her feisty, I-just-walked-into-the honky-tonk-to-confront-my-man-cheating-on-me signature style.  If you like Loretta Lynn - and I, for one, love me some Loretta Lynn - this song is exactly what you'd expect from her, which helps elevate this Christmas compilation to a very small degree.

And then comes from motherf***in' Bing Crosby, who slams down his classic version of 'It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas' like an angry dad with a few beers in his system coming home, earlier than anticipated, to find his teenage kids throwing a party and trashing his house.  They thought he'd be gone all night, but nope - here he comes, bursting through the front door, putting the fear of God into the likes of Liberace, Roger Williams, and Pete Fountain, who all drop their red Solo cups and stare like dear in headlights.  Shitty recording artists suddenly make a mad scramble to bolt out of the house without being caught and having their parents called, leaving behind clear evidence of their God-awful Holiday songs.

And yes, order is finally restored, now that Dad is home.  But the house, dear readers, is nonetheless still trashed.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (Bing and Loretta come home earlier than anticipated and break up an out-of-control teenage party at their house, thereby scoring a couple sympathy points, but far too late to save their home from being destroyed with Yuletide shittiness.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. LXXII

 'Tis the Season for yule-tide jammitude, masses.  Throw on your Christmas pants and let's get down to business here, shall we. . . 

Album Title:  A Christmas Festival of Songs and Carols, Vol. 2

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Orphans gaze at mankind's most boring collection of toys . .

Well, we're still chipping away at that Bethesda stack I purchased a couple weeks ago.  Like I said before, for 59 cents apiece you can definitely score a crap-load without even realizing it.  I cleaned those guys out and probably dropped, like, $6.  Zero complaints here.

So, this compilation comes from the good folks over at JC Penney, which, I'm told, used to be some kind of department store back in the day.  All the rage.  Perhaps this album's hilarious cover art reflects this, with a bunch of probably-orphans gazing longingly at a storefront window display jam-packed with super-generic toys.  The kind that kids haven't wanted Santa to bring them since, like, 1964.

No wonder JC Penney ate shit and died.

A parade of button-eyed, creepy-ass children.  Kinda reminds me of that movie Coraline.

I mean, look at this crap-show.  A toy accordion?  What kinda of monster would see something like this and think, "Hot damn, that's just the ticket - that's gonna be swell for Junior to open up on Christmas Morning."  Perhaps, even worse, what kid would actually want something like this for Christmas?  Some poor bastard who has parents deeply involved in the polka craze of the 1950s and '60s?  And is grasping at straws for ways to win some kind of affection from them?  How depressing is that scenario?

Anyway, let's get back to the music on this release.  I suppose that's what we're all here for in the first place.  The track list on this compilation is run-of-the-mill, non-offensive, vanilla Christmas music from the sixties.  Every Holiday favorite your grandparents adored while smoking cigarettes in their shag-covered living rooms and waiting for the fruitcake to cool off.

All these '60s Christmas compilations follow a familiar playbook, and so I wasn't shocked in the slightest by what I found here:  a couple country songs, an instrumental medley, a couple 'powerhouse' vocal numbers, and a few numbers featuring choirs.  This variety is par-for-the-course for nearly every compilation I've ever reviewed in the '3' to '5' range in this Record Odyssey of mine, and, not surprisingly, this album finds itself in similar territory.

Chet Atkins' guitar work on 'Little Drummer Boy' is a decent track, and even though I've definitely heard better versions of this song, there's nothing really to complain about here.  Same goes for Arthur Fiedler's take on Tchaikovsky's The Nutcracker - the Boston Pops do a commendable job.

From Our House to Yours.  Yet again. . .

Those couple songs aside, most of the rest of these songs are ridiculously boring, and a select few have that distinction of being pure garbage.  The use of a children's choir on the opening track of Side A is jarring; why producers back in the day felt it was totally cool to throw a children's choir onto a non-children's music compilation is beyond me.  Unless I'm listening to a children's album - which, honestly, I can't see myself going out of my way to do - I don't want to hear little kids singing.  Not at all.  Nobody wants to hear that nonsense.

Mario Lanza, who fancies himself some kind of vocal powerhouse, belts out with a fury on 'O Holy Night,' sounding more like a guy pretending to be an Italian virtuoso than the real deal.  I've heard drunks perform better.  And choosing a soft, religious carol as your showcase number isn't really a smart move, either - show that range on a banger (like, say, 'O Come All Ye Faithful'), not on something that's supposed to be reverent.  C'mon Mario, this is Christmas Music 101.

So yeah, this is typical, fade-into-the-background, boring Christmas music, that offers up few reasons to stay awake long enough to register it's still spinning on your turntable.  

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (This is what JC Penney would sound like if JC Penney was a Christmas album)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. LXVII

Here we go again. . .

Album Title:  A Christmas Festival of Songs & Carols

Album Artist:  Various Artists

A group so white this could be a GOP photo op.

I bought a stack of shitty Christmas vinyl from the Bethesda Thrift Store, across the street from my school, during a lull on one of my Parent/Teacher Conference Days at work last week.  I grabbed the absolute crappiest-looking albums I could find, 'cause - at 59 cents apiece - it was a no-brainer for reviewing purposes.  

This particular release - courtesy of the once culturally-relevant JC Penney - with it's assembled Aryan herd of children adorning the cover, promised to be hokey as all hell.  I couldn't resist.  Yet, when dropping the needle on the Side A, Track 1, we find a Christmas medley from none other than Arthur Fiedler that and the Boston Pops Orchestra.  It's not the greatest holiday medley I've ever heard, sure enough, but it's pretty good; perhaps this album was going to be another surprise find for the Holiday Season?

Then the second track started.  And I realized this album was exactly what I thought it was going to be.

A whole lot of nonsense.

Mario Lanza, who tries his damnedest to deliver on 'O Little Town of Bethlehem,' sounds like a drunken uncle at a family get-together, trying to impress people by singing along to the radio.  Maybe he can sorta carry a tune (maybe he front his own band back in high school) but, because he's six or seven silver bullets into the afternoon, he's letting loose with a gusto that is by no means warranted.  What should be a quiet, peaceful delivery - 'cause, let's face it, that's kinda the whole 'Bethlehem' vibe - instead sounds more like, "Bro, you wan'me t'tell yoush about this fuggin place called Beffenhem?"

Following up this diddy, we have a children's chorus deliver 'The Little Drummer Boy,' in typical fashion. Not horrible, but considering the previous tracks that have appeared on this release, it's definitely out of place.  There's a time and place for children's choirs, folks, and it's on frickin children's albums.  These 60's music producers were out of their Goddamn minds putting this nonsense in a Holiday compilation album.

Gotta love the back-of-cover inspirational message. . .

The worst song on this record, by far, is delivered by Marian Anderson, who warbles with unbridled fury on 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas.'  I'm assuming this was a somewhat well-known artist back in the day ('cause, I mean, JC Penney doesn't throw just anybody on their Holiday compilations, right?) but this seriously sounds like a guy pretending to sing opera in his best 'womens' voice.  I haven't heard singing this bad since Kate Smith graced us with her presence five years ago.  It seriously sounds like someone pretending to sing, it doesn't sound real - it's that comically bad.  So bad, in fact, that I was more amused than disgusted.

The Robert Shaw Chorale's appearance on this album definitely pissed me off, because their rendition of 'The Little Drummer Boy' is mankind's greatest version, and the fact they brought in child labor for that track on the previous side is kind of infuriating.  'The Twelve Days of Christmas' - which nine times out of ten is a skip-able song on any Christmas playlist, regardless of the artist performing it - is performed by a choir of vocalists so bad that they sound like they've been rejected from a church talent show, and this is their last shot at greatness.

. . .I could honestly keep going, but I think you get the idea.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (A valiant attempt from Arthur Fiedler can't help drag this boring - and sometimes comically-bad offering - out of the muck and mire.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XLVIII

Seasons Greetings, y'all.  Let's get some jams goin' here. . .

Album Title:  I Love Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Okay, you know what, I'm just gonna go ahead and say it:  this music is so f***ing cartoon-y it ought to have some kind of label across the front cover that says "Recorded in Glorious Technicolor."

God help me.

I don't think very many 'artists' on this album had waded into the waters of puberty at the date of recording (they're probably all in their 50s now.)  This is a Lord of the Flies Christmas - children's choirs, children soloists, and only a handful of post-pubescent singers (Skeeter Davis, Roy Rogers, Florence Henderson, Spike Jones doing that Dr. Demento's Christmas favorite, 'All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth,' etc.) bother making an appearance.

This really isn't the sort of record one puts on while trying to seduce a sweater-wearing, egg nog-sipping, young lady in front of some crackling yule logs.  This is the sort of record you intentionally put on to calm down a preggosaurus rex while she's in the deep throws of a 'get this f***ing thing out of me already' meltdown.  'Cause won't having kids someday be nice?? Or maybe when you're trying to calm down a roost-full of candy cane-fueled toddlers tearing around your living room.

Either way.

So is offering downright terrible?  No, no it's not.  This is a children's album, so you know what you're getting, more or less.  Not a lot of surprises, here.  The adult singers are delivering in the most monotone, calm voices they can muster ('cause, you never know, it could be nap time), and the children's choirs are singing with as much cherubic charm they can muster.  If you want Children's Christmas music, you might be okay with this.

Florence Henderson and Roy Rogers are kinda creepy, but. . . whatever.  I guess they're not nearly as creepy as the sinister-looking little girl on the album cover, employing a vice grip on a dead koala.

I love Christmas.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (It's a children's Christmas album.  While not necessarily horrible, I have far better ones in my collection.)

- SHELVED -

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XVII

Time for another Holly, Jolly episode of vinyl-scrutinizin', America.  Hold on to yer butts. . .

Album Title:  The Little Drummer Boy

Album Artist:  Don Janse and His 60 Voice Children's Chorus

So. . . how many of you guys like checking out circuses?  What about circuses during the Holidays?  That might be a stretch, I agree; I don't really know of circuses that travel around the country during the winter.  Elephants don't take too kindly to the snow and frigid temperatures - just ask Hannibal Barca of Carthage -  BOOM  (. . . that's what I call a historical reference, folks.)  

This kid looks a Gypsy.  And I say that as racistly as humanly possible.

Okay, so circuses are out. . . what about carnivals?  You guys like going to carnivals for the Holidays?  Poorly-managed, poorly-lit carnivals, where the rides are rusted and the vendor 'prizes' are creepily twenty or thirty years old.  How about clowns and toothless carnies - they cool?

Sound Christmas-y to anyone out there?

No?

Well, then this shit-fest of an album shouldn't, either.  Because that's what this is, America:  a shady carnival with frozen, dead elephants, toothless hordes of drifters, and the scariest children's choir this side of Neverland.

Of course this came from Grandpa Jones. . .

Perhaps I can win you over with this steaming pile of once-chestnuts.  What if I threw in whirling organs and polka keyboards?  No other instruments, just keyboards and organs; maybe some jingle bells here and there, but I really think the emphasis needs to be placed on the creepy-ass children singing along with the oompa-oompa melody.

Seriously.  The music on this album sounds like someone (probably a cigar-smoking chimp) wound up a music box and let the shit fly (probably literally.)

I don't know who Don Janse is, but if I ever meet him in person I think I'm going to punch him square in the junk.

This doesn't make me think of Christmas at all.  It makes me want to hug my children close and never let them go.

But not in a heartwarming way.

VERDICT:  1/10 - Ohio  (I'm sleeping with the lights on tonight.)

- SHELVED -

Album Title:  The Little Drummer Boy

Album Artist:  The Abbey Choir

Is this a dude?

This outing from the Abbey Choir (I say that as if you or I have any idea of who the hell these people are) is a much more solid album than the previous Little Drummer Boy.   Instead of creepy organs and kids singing off-key, we have a proper, church-ish choir, which doesn’t necessarily work when singing ‘fun’ Christmas songs like ‘Jingle Bells’ or ‘White Christmas’ (you hearing me, Great Songs of Christmas?), but really knocks it out of the park when it comes to the more serious, religious carols.

The version of the title track on this album is pretty famous - you’ve heard it before, I guarantee it.  A choir, the females singing angelically while the dudes sing ‘Hrum. Hrum-hrum hrum,’ and it slowly builds to a crescendo as the song progresses.  Know which one I’m talking about?

Of course you do.

Anyway, if every track on this album was as prolific as ‘The Little Drummer Boy,’ you’d have a solid ‘7’ on your hands.  Maybe an ‘8.’  Sadly, the title track stands out as the home run on this record, while the rest of the carols get the usual treatment.  The choir does well, and the songs are pleasant, but there’s not a whole lot here that differentiates it from all of the rest of the holiday music I’ve reviewed thus far.  A few songs are presented well, but the rest - while not bad - is kinda forgettable.

Still, the album represents that niche genre within the broader Christmas range that is important, and should be kept in rotation throughout the Holiday season.  This may be the best ‘religious’ album I have for the Holiday season, and so, despite its lower score, I think I’ll make an exception to my ‘7 and up’ rule and keep it out for the remainder of the Holidays.  If only to have on hand when I’m feeling more ‘churchy.’

(. . . though you can imagine how often that happens.) 

VERDICT:   6/10 - Decent  (May God have mercy on its soul. . .)

- REMAINS IN ROTATION -

- Brian