The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CXXV

Hey, who's ready to touch [consensually] their inner, Holiday child. . .

Album Title:  Here Comes Santa Claus!

Album Artist:  Unknown

Here we got with yet another dollar bin find from Radio Wasteland; if you couldn't tell, this has been my go-to method for scrounging up cheap, shitty albums to review the last four or five Holiday Seasons. It's getting to the point where I have to make sure I don't pick any up that I've already reviewed in previous posts.  

This one, however, couldn't be passed up. Jesus H. Christ, just look at this frickin' guy. That's the most red-faced Santa Claus I've ever seen.

"Uh Oh, children - Santa's made a HUGE mistaaaake."

If he's sober in this picture, I'm an Ohioan.

He's got that 'oh shit' look in his eyes too - a look filled with shock and regret. To me, that either indicates he just did something sudden and gross in his pants and was unable to do anything about it in the heat of the moment. . . . or else that rabid, baby panda he's got cradled in his chubby mitts just bit him.

This baby panda is the thing of nightmares. It will eat your soul.

(That's the scariest baby panda I've ever seen, folks.)

Whoever previously owned this album played the holy hell out of it, I'll tell you what. Even after a run through the ol' Spin Clean record cleaning system, it's still scuffed all to hell. It'd be more believable to learn that the previous owner had used this record as a frickin' shovel than as something to be played on their turntable. The surface noise on this album is so bad I almost threw the record in the trash without reviewing it at all.

But that would have been a waste of a dollar, kids.

Anyway, shitty album art/record condition aside, the arrangements here could be best described as 'cartoon' music, gang. Accordions and xylophones  - and lots and lots of jingle bells - abound, everything's upbeat and cheerful, and it all sounds like circus music. Or the sort of thing you'd hear in a 1940's cartoon. Nothing here out of the ordinary, I guess, considering this is a children's album after all.  

Have I heard better? Sure, absolutely. Is it bad? Meh. . . 'bad' might be a stretch. 

It's not good, but, then again, I'm not one to rock out to children's music, I'm definitely not the target demographic here. That being said, I can easily think of, like, two-dozen Christmas albums that were geared towards children that had more 'child-appropriate' singers than this release. The male singer that takes the lead on most of the songs on this album sounds like a mix between Glenn Yardbrough and a stuffy, pompous banker type in an old Looney Tunes (like that Bugs Bunny would repeatedly mess with throughout the course of an old cartoon short.) Not the best vocal option for a children's album, in my opinion, but hell - what do I know?  This is a children's album, and I'm 25 years old.

There's no artist credits on this album to be found anywhere, so we'll probably never know who this sub-par vocalist is. But, taking into consideration the catalog of other record label titles advertised on the back of this album (instead of artist/band credits, 'from our house to yours' messages, etc.), I think it's safe to assume that this singer was most likely just company 'talent' that was brought into the studio for an afternoon of singing kids' Christmas songs. He probably makes appearances on the label's obligatory Country/Western albums, Polka albums, and a few of those 'Cherished Favorites' compilations of some kind, too.

. . . that, or he works in the mail room and just happened to be passing by a board room when a couple big-wigs asked him if he knew how to sing at all. Who's to know.

There's also a  female singer who takes lead vocal duty on a couple tracks (usually she just chimes in on some of the choruses here and there as a background singer.) She's a click above the male singer, as far as children's music from the 1950s goes. Gives off some strong Angela Lansbury vibes. So, you know. . . if that's your thing. . . .

Then, out of left field, just when you've been lulled into a false sense of childlike security by two, full sides of this kiddie circus album - BAM - the album producers drop a spoken word poem on your ass.

''Twas the Night Before Christmas.' Odds are you grew up reading it - or having it read to you - every Christmas Eve, it's a classic. But does it really need to be on a Holiday record? 

It certainly feels out of place, even on a bizarro Children's album like this one. To make matters worse, as the poem goes on, they start incorporating cartoon-y sound effects - window shutters opening, reindeer hooves on a roof, etc. - and background begins to swell. This, I assume, was included in order to inject some 'yuletide flare' into the famous Christmas poem. The result from the combination of this music and the guy's voice sounds like this would be far better suited for a 1950s educational film teaching children about how crayons are made in a factory. 

In conclusion, when in doubt, feel free to leave off adding poetry to one's Holiday albums.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (A really dated Children's Christmas album. Had I reviewed this baby about, oh, seventy years ago, I'd probably rate it pretty well. Unfortunately, seeing how I don't have a access to a time machine, I'm going to have to knock it down substantially instead. It's also gonna lose a point for the beyond-stupid inclusion of a poem at the end of Side B.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XVII

Time for another Holly, Jolly episode of vinyl-scrutinizin', America.  Hold on to yer butts. . .

Album Title:  The Little Drummer Boy

Album Artist:  Don Janse and His 60 Voice Children's Chorus

So. . . how many of you guys like checking out circuses?  What about circuses during the Holidays?  That might be a stretch, I agree; I don't really know of circuses that travel around the country during the winter.  Elephants don't take too kindly to the snow and frigid temperatures - just ask Hannibal Barca of Carthage -  BOOM  (. . . that's what I call a historical reference, folks.)  

This kid looks a Gypsy.  And I say that as racistly as humanly possible.

Okay, so circuses are out. . . what about carnivals?  You guys like going to carnivals for the Holidays?  Poorly-managed, poorly-lit carnivals, where the rides are rusted and the vendor 'prizes' are creepily twenty or thirty years old.  How about clowns and toothless carnies - they cool?

Sound Christmas-y to anyone out there?

No?

Well, then this shit-fest of an album shouldn't, either.  Because that's what this is, America:  a shady carnival with frozen, dead elephants, toothless hordes of drifters, and the scariest children's choir this side of Neverland.

Of course this came from Grandpa Jones. . .

Perhaps I can win you over with this steaming pile of once-chestnuts.  What if I threw in whirling organs and polka keyboards?  No other instruments, just keyboards and organs; maybe some jingle bells here and there, but I really think the emphasis needs to be placed on the creepy-ass children singing along with the oompa-oompa melody.

Seriously.  The music on this album sounds like someone (probably a cigar-smoking chimp) wound up a music box and let the shit fly (probably literally.)

I don't know who Don Janse is, but if I ever meet him in person I think I'm going to punch him square in the junk.

This doesn't make me think of Christmas at all.  It makes me want to hug my children close and never let them go.

But not in a heartwarming way.

VERDICT:  1/10 - Ohio  (I'm sleeping with the lights on tonight.)

- SHELVED -

Album Title:  The Little Drummer Boy

Album Artist:  The Abbey Choir

Is this a dude?

This outing from the Abbey Choir (I say that as if you or I have any idea of who the hell these people are) is a much more solid album than the previous Little Drummer Boy.   Instead of creepy organs and kids singing off-key, we have a proper, church-ish choir, which doesn’t necessarily work when singing ‘fun’ Christmas songs like ‘Jingle Bells’ or ‘White Christmas’ (you hearing me, Great Songs of Christmas?), but really knocks it out of the park when it comes to the more serious, religious carols.

The version of the title track on this album is pretty famous - you’ve heard it before, I guarantee it.  A choir, the females singing angelically while the dudes sing ‘Hrum. Hrum-hrum hrum,’ and it slowly builds to a crescendo as the song progresses.  Know which one I’m talking about?

Of course you do.

Anyway, if every track on this album was as prolific as ‘The Little Drummer Boy,’ you’d have a solid ‘7’ on your hands.  Maybe an ‘8.’  Sadly, the title track stands out as the home run on this record, while the rest of the carols get the usual treatment.  The choir does well, and the songs are pleasant, but there’s not a whole lot here that differentiates it from all of the rest of the holiday music I’ve reviewed thus far.  A few songs are presented well, but the rest - while not bad - is kinda forgettable.

Still, the album represents that niche genre within the broader Christmas range that is important, and should be kept in rotation throughout the Holiday season.  This may be the best ‘religious’ album I have for the Holiday season, and so, despite its lower score, I think I’ll make an exception to my ‘7 and up’ rule and keep it out for the remainder of the Holidays.  If only to have on hand when I’m feeling more ‘churchy.’

(. . . though you can imagine how often that happens.) 

VERDICT:   6/10 - Decent  (May God have mercy on its soul. . .)

- REMAINS IN ROTATION -

- Brian

Five Years in Florida

This week has been cold as shit.

We were just in Michigan for two weeks, and I swear to Christ it was warmer up there.  If it's going to be this cold down here in the sub-tropics, we should by all accounts be getting some snow.

God knows we didn't get any up in Clare.

Anyway, with the Holidays over and done with, the mundane routine of daily life once again resumes.  I always hate this time of year; I'm a big fan of interior illumination, so having to pack up all that festive yule into dusty, old storage bins for eleven, long months is a horribly depressing affair.  

I can't help but assume that this is what Malakili was feeling when the Rancor was killed in Episode VI.

Fortunately for Yours Truly, Kris took the initiative and dismantled the Christmas Tree this year - I can't stand doing that.

With the decorations down, and the New Year upon us, Kris and I had no choice but to return to work... amidst much fanfare and excitement (pfft).  As could be expected, all of our kids were dragging their feet coming back from two full weeks off of school.  Not even the thrilling exploits of Alexander the Great could distract them from their new, neglected X-Boxes and PS3s and flashy new smartphones.

...and everybody know how much kids love Ancient Greece!

This week also marked the Five Year Anniversary of our move down here to Central Florida.  When we moved down here in 2007, we had no intention whatsoever of becoming permanent Florida residents.  Nay, we did so with an initial five- or six-year plan in mind, which is as follows:

1. Move to Florida
2. Obtain teaching positions
3. Obtain Masters in Education
4. Obtain Professional Certification
5. Obtain Loan Forgiveness
6. Obtain job back in Michigan
7. Move Back

As of right now, I'm on Step 5 - I should receive Loan Forgiveness by the end of this year (at a Title I school, this is granted after five years, so I'll get it by the end of the school year).  Since our national economy is currently in the crapper - and Michigan doing worse than most other states, due to the huge hit manufacturing has taken there - finding work back home in the Midwest will be nigh impossible.  I've been fortunate enough throughout this recession to remain steadily employed, and, now that I'm professional certified, I have a decent degree of job security as well (which is saying a lot in today's job market).

So next year, who knows where we'll be.  We could be here, in Orlando, or we could be back in Michigan, or we could be somewhere else entirely.  Who knows.  What we do know is that we have to move out of our current residency by July, as our landlord is anxious to sell the house.

This means that, come summer time, we'll be forced to either:  a.) find jobs back in Michigan and orchestrate a cross-continental move by the time our lease runs up in July, or else b.) find another house down here in Orlando thats the same size and in an equally safe neighborhood for a similar price (which will be extremely difficult, since we got a great deal on our current house).

Of course, there's always c.) sell our belongings, join the circus, and teach our kids how to juggle, swallow swords, grift, and con normies at games of chance.  Either way.

- Brian