The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. LII

Welcome back to the Odyssey, America.

I forgot to remind you all, in my last post, of the scale we use around these parts when rating these Holiday audio offerings.  This is what you can look forward to, my personalized 1-to-10 Scale:

10 - . . . And Out Come the Wolves (a symbol of perfection, and arguably one of the greatest albums made in the last twenty five years)
9 - Cowabunga! (if it makes you want to shout like a Ninja Turtle, you know it's good.)
8 - Awesome
7 - Pretty Rad (generally, in order for an album of mine to stay in Holiday Season Rotation, it needs to be rated '7' and up.)
6 - Decent (once and awhile a '6' makes it into constant rotation, but only if it satisfies a previously-vacant Holiday music niche.)
5 - Meh  (Albums in the 6 - 4 range almost always get 'Shelved.'  I hold on to them - for the time being - but they lose turntable time for the duration of the Season.)
4 - Borophyll
3 - Seriously? (anything below this point is put into my annual 'Donate to Goodwill' pile)
2 - Reality TV (there's only one thing shittier than Reality TV in my opinion, and that is. . .)
1 - Ohio (the Ninth Circle of Hell)

Now, let us throw on your jam pants. . .

Album Title:  Popular Christmas Classics

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Santa, probably writing up his Manifesto.

So I snatched this up from some thrift store awhile back - God knows which one - and it's sat in my pile of 'records-to-review' box down in our storage room for a couple of years.   I picked it up for the album art (at left), which, to me, hints at a ridiculously hokey, dated Christmas track list.  At the time, I didn't really read the artists and song selections that are literally plastered all over the cover, but, as you can see, it's definitely a 'Best of. . .'  for the Holiday Season.

This album definitely lives up to its title.  Nearly every song on this album can be heard every year in stores, on the radio, in TV commercials, you name it.  In fact, I'd say roughly two-thirds of the tracks here are the definitive versions of each Christmas song.

Probably safe to say all these guys are dead by now.

You've got Burl Ives' famous version of 'A Holly, Jolly Christmas,' the stand-out track from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.  There's Bing Crosby's 'Do You Hear What I Hear?,' that's easily the most-widely recognized version of that song, and was made famous by its iconic usage in Gremlins.  The Harry Simeone Chorale's rendition of 'The Little Drummer Boy' is the one you hear in your head the second I name the song title - it's the quintessential version of that carol.  There's more, too, that are easily the most-played versions one hears during this time of year.

The Balrog

All things considered, this should be at least a '9.'  Maybe an '8,' considering there's a couple less-known and 'meh'-ish tracks from Glen Campbell and Leroy Anderson on here you don't really give two craps about, and aren't as widely heard as most of the others.

But then there's Tennessee Ernie Ford.  That baritone-spewing, Balrog of a crooner, who has broadsided this Record Odyssey of mine time and time again over the years with his all-out shittiness.  He brings his usual Holiday Horror voice to the forefront with his terrifying version of "The Star Carol," which, if his voice tells us anything at all, probably references a frickin' pentagram.

I hate this guy so damn much. . .

VERDICT:  6/10 - Meh (This Greatest Hits-ish compilation features several famous songs that are mandatory listening for the Holiday season, but Tennessee Ernie Ford barges onto the scene and sinks this album a couple points all by his terrifying lonesome.)

- SHELVED -

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. IX

Here's a double-header for your Monday, Internet.

Album Title:  Songs for the Christmas Season

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Property of Indiana Jones

So both of these bad-boys in today's installments happen to be from my step-mom's dad, Bob Jones.  Somewhere along the line, he must have given these to me, or else I stole them from a pile of vinyl he was in the process of garage saling (probably the latter.)  I know this, of course, due to the black marker-enscribed 'JONES' emblazoned across the front of both album covers.  Just like Granny's labeling, only sans calligraphy.

Must be a generational thing.  Who knows.

The Not-So-Magnificent Seven

This album is weird.  Seriously.  The vocals on some of these tracks are so much louder than the music that it almost sounds like a karaoke record, which doesn't really make much sense at all.

The one saving grace on this whole album is Guy Lombardo (whose version of 'Auld Lang Syne' may be my all-time favorite version of the standard.)  Sadly, that track isn't on this record, but the track he does supply - ' Santa Claus is Coming to Town' - still features his trademark ballsy horn section.

Unfortunately, no sooner does Mr. Lombardo leave the stage then Tennessee Ernie Ford comes stumbling in to the spotlight like some drunken uncle at a little kid's birthday party, belching 'It Came Upon a Midnight Clear.'  It sounds more like a cartoon villain crooning than a professional caroler, which, to be honest, is almost so bad it's good.

But not quite.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (Weird audio quality - and a probably-drunk Tennessee Ernie Ford - distracts from an already lukewarm holiday album.) 

- SHELVED -

Album Title:  A Christmas to Remember, Vol. 2

Album Artist:  Various Artists

"So what happened to Volume 1, Brian?" you might be asking yourself right about now, "Do you own Volume 1?"

No.  No I do not.  And I don't plan on scouring Ebay for it.  I'll do that for the Muppet Show ('cause I do own Volume 2 of that treasure, and there's Volume 1 to obtain still - it's an awesome album), but not for this Christmas compilation.

Hey, you guys see Monuments Men?

As you can imagine - if anything, based solely on the dated, cheesy album cover - this album is pretty hokey.  And not hokey in a good way, either.  To be honest, I think the cover art clearly represents what you're getting here:  a Clooney-esque grandfather figure strolling up to your house while you're trying to make a snowman with your kid, and your kid quickly abandons good ol' fashioned family fun the second they see George Clooney walking up to your house with a bunch of material items.

In music form.

"Look Ma - George Clooney!"

Actually, there's one track on here that isn't bad: 'Do You Hear What I Hear?'  Not the greatest version of this song I've ever heard, but it does have one thing going for it:  it's the same version the main character's mom plays in Gremlins while she's baking in her kitchen.  And then the gremlin attacks her.  And she manages to fight it off her, shove it into the microwave, and nuke the sum'bitch.

So, all in all, the album's not a complete waste.  Creepy George Clooney and a Gremlins track.

Merry Christmas to me.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (I still wanna see Monuments Men.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian