The Ongoing Adventures of Rosie Peppermint

What's up, Christmas fans.

The arrival of Rosie Peppermint - November of 2017.

So I don't think I mentioned this to you folks before, but we got the girls one of those Elf on the Shelf thingies towards the end of November last year.  Kris and I had debated it for a couple years, back when they first came out and Alayna was, like, three years old, but then said 'that's stupid, let's not do that.'  A few years passed and the girls didn't say anything, and Kris and I were both grateful.

Because Elf on the Shelf IS stupid.

Well, for the last three years or so, since we've been back up here in Michigan, Alayna and Abby both started asking about it.  For the first two years, we were able to brush it off - fortunately the girls were more curious than interested - but last year they really started bugging us about it.  It was really aggravating, because Alayna - at nine years old - was almost to that age where that stuff is no longer going to be believable - but we eventually relented, bit the bullet, and bought a damn Elf.

Rosie's "Birthday Party."

We let the girls unwrap it one evening after school, and they were both super-excited.  They threw their Elf - a female (yes, you can choose its gender) they christened 'Rosie Peppermint' - a birthday party, and later that night after they went to bed, Kris and I started the long, arduous process of putting the Elf in all kinds of compromising situations.

What sucks about this whole damn process is that you have to constantly place the Elf somewhere different, and doing different things, and all the time raising the elaboration of it all.  Kris scopes out Pinterest constantly, because all sorts of lame-ass parents post their stuff to Pinterest, and both of our Facebook feeds are filled with parent friends who upload their own Elf exploits so the entire world can know how f***ing cool they are.

I've had to develop an entirely new handwriting style for Rosie, as it couldn't match the existing handwriting styles I've created for Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.

I hate people.

Anyway, not to be hypocritical or anything, but here's some of the shit we came up with last year (at least I'm not uploading it to social media.)  We had to run this gauntlet for nearly thirty days last year, and this year - starting today - we're going to repeat the process.  We can't do any of the previous twenty-seven things, so Kris and I are both really looking forward to scraping up new ideas for this stupid, waste of time.

Happy Holidays. . .

(We forgot until the last minute.  These lame-ass poses happened frequently.)

We occasionally had to leave clues like this so our kids knew where the thing was. . .

The running joke around these parts is that our elf has a sweet tooth, which the girls find hilarious.

This was 'warming up by the fire' after her adventure in the freezer.

(This one was my idea.)

Following a day where the girls had been fighting with one another like crazy, we staged an inter-mythical creature capture (note the change in handwriting - appreciate the hell out of that, America.)  The point of the whole Elf on the Shelf thing (so I'm told) is that it 'watches' your kids to make sure they remain on their best behavior for S. Claus.  That's extremely creepy.

Kris came up with the Minions thing.  (I drew the dead Minions.  Just in case you were curious.)

We hung up a bunch of the girls underwear all over the Christmas Tree.  Just 'cause.

On the night before Christmas Eve, for Rosie's second-to-last act of the season, we went big.  Abby had been asking Rosie for a Scavenger Hunt (seriously), which is always a total bitch to set up (have you seen our Easter mornings around here?)

. . . aaaand now we have to jump through all the damn hoops all over again.  The second my kids stop believing in all this Elf crap, I'm going to take Rosie outside in the bonfire pit and set her on fire.

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XXXIII

What's up, people.  Time to get festive. . .

Album Title:  Elf  Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Album Artist:  Various Artists

So this movie has been a family staple for a few years now.  Not one of my personal favorite Christmas movies (I fancy myself a National Lampoon, Muppets, Scrooged sorta guy), but it's good.  The soundtrack is one that flows well, so I figured it might be good to pick it up on vinyl sometime.  Lo and behold, over the summer (of course) it dropped nearly 50% in price on Amazon, so I pounced on it.

Overall, this is a really solid Christmas album.  It has several powerhouse yuletide jams that are well worth the investment, such as The Brian Setzer Orchestra's 'Nutcracker Suite' (arguably the best seven-minute take on Tchaikovsky's famous piece in existence), Jim Reeves' 'Jingle Bells,' etc.,  As such it'll Remain in Circulation throughout the rest of the Holiday Season.

So why give it a '7'?

Well, for starters, there are a couple songs on this LP that just don't fit well on a Christmas album.  Louis Prima's 'Pennies from Heaven' and Billy Preston's 'Nothing From Nothing' are both great songs, and work very well in Elf. . . . but do they blend in as Christmas music?  Nope.  Nope they do not.  While they are prolific songs on the soundtrack, they're at odds with the garland on my mantlepiece and the nog-and-rum in my hand.

But, more notably, the real reason this album is brought down low to a mere is 7 can be summed up in two words, America:

Leon Redbone.

If you don't know who this guy is, folks, he's an old tin-pan alley singer from back in the day who sings in a weird baritone voice. . . and he's on, like, three or four different tracks on this LP.  His main claim to fame is that he's the dude that sang the theme song to the classic '80s TV sitcom, Mr. Belvedere.  See for yourself:

Why the music director in charge of Elf felt it necessary to resurrect this dude's career from the pits of who-gives-a-f***, I'll never know.  It'd be jarring enough if he were on there just once, but the geniuses in charge of this record put him on there multiple times.  The worst occurrence, of course, is for a duet with Zooey Deschanel (an actress from the film, who's also an indie singer in bands like She & Him) on the Holiday staple, 'Baby It's Cold Outside.'

Oh.  My.  God.

If you're already familiar with this song, you know it's a song meant for couples, and it's. . . well. . . . kinda rape-y in context.

A creepy guy won't let his girlfriend head home, even though her parents already worried sick about her, under the context that it's 'cold outside.'  The girl then notices something's in her drink, and all he can say is response are predator lines like, 'your lips look delicious.'

Maybe this whole scenario was acceptable back in the '50s or '60s, when this song was originally written and men got away with this crap all the time.  But this is 2017 - the year women called out such abhorred behavior, and brought down limelight heavyweights like Matt Laurer, Louis C.K., and - hopefully - Roy Moore.

This no longer flies, fellas.

What's worse about this already-disgusting song is the fact that Zooey and Leon singing the different parts of the duet make the song sound like an exhausted teenage girl trying to get out of a creepy, old man's living room.  And he just won't let her leave.  And he's giving her totally-uncalled-for advances that aren't being reciprocated.

No means no, Leon.

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad  (A pretty solid Christmas soundtrack. . . . with a few jarring moments that make me want to take a scalding hot shower.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XXIV

Time for a double-header of straight-up Christmas classics, gang. . .

Album Title:  Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer

Album Artist:  Burl Ives and Co.

Honestly, I don't know why I'm even wasting the time to review this.  You know what this sounds like already.

I went out of my to by this album off Amazon (seriously), because I felt that it was classic that needed a spot in my Holiday music section.  I think I snagged it for $16, thereabouts.  Anyway, you already know exactly what this sounds like, because everybody in America - since the '60s - knows exactly what this sounds like.  Hell, I'm sure even the Dagombas in my old village of Sankpala can quote Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer by heart these days.

That being said, I want to focus instead on my main gripe with this album; one that pulls it's ranking down a solid two points.  What we have here are duplicate versions of the same handful of songs: Side A features vocals on all arrangements, while Side B features just the music.  Vocals on one side, instrumentals on the other.  Take that for what it is, I guess, but for $16 I think more than eight or nine songs - and their duplicates - would have been nice.

Know what I mean, Vern?

Now, I will say this:  the instrumental versions are a cool bonus. While Side A (featuring vocals) is definitely kid-centric and nostalgic, it's not necessarily something you'd want to throw in all the time.  You definitely have to be in the mood to listen to a kid's Christmas record (say, when your kids are in the living room and you want to feel nostalgic.)  Children's albums are indeed crucial to any Holiday music collection, but you need other flavors in there as well.  Some orchestral choir arrangements for the religious carols, some jazzy instrumentals (done right), some classics crooned by the masters, some genre-specific albums (honky tonk, rock and roll, oldies) etc.  Variety's the spice of life, folks.

This album's B Side, with their instrumental versions from the holiday special, are a welcome change from the vocals, and will undoubtedly increase the frequency of this album's playing throughout the Holiday season.  I just wish this was a two-disc album, with one LP being vocals and one LP being instrumentals.

Oh well.

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome (A children's classic, chock-full of nostalgia, that lose a couple points from lack of songs)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

Album Title:   Christmas with the Chipmunks

Album Artist:  The Chipmunks (feat. David SeVille)

  

Like Burl Ives' 'Holly Jolly Christmas' or Jimmy Durante's 'Frosty the Snowman,'  the Chipmunks' 'Christmas Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)' is so well-known it has become a household staple across varying cultures and backgrounds.  Whether or not that's a particularly good thing, I'll leave it up to you to judge.  

Where the hell are the Chipmunks' real parents?  Did they die?

I mean, let's be honest, here:  singing chipmunks aren't for everyone.


I found this album for 99 cents at a thrift store somewhere downstate over the summer, and picked it up for the same reason I picked up the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer soundtrack, Disney's Christmas All-Time Favorites, and Vince Guaraldi Trio's A Charlie Brown Christmas album:  its yuletide nostalgia, and reminds me of all the awesome Christmases from my youth.

Does that necessarily mean that this album still holds up for a dude pushing his late 30s?  

Meh.  

I mean, upon throwing this on the turntable and giving it a listen, some of the back-and-forth banter is amusing, but after awhile the adult in you can't help but start analyzing the vocals on this particular album.  

For a truly terrifying experience, crank this baby up to 45 RPM. . .

The magic of 'holy shit, there are actual singing chipmunks on this Christmas record' that my two young daughters experienced when I put this on the turntable this evening has long since faded away.  Instead, Adult Brian starts thinking about three weird-looking guys, standing around in some '60s-era recording booth, singing these ridiculous vocal tracks that would eventually be sped up to a ridiculous speed in order to get that signature 'chipmunk' sound.

I'm not gonna lie, guys:  it's a bit weird.  

The second you peek behind the curtain of The Chipmunks, they instantly lose all credibility and, consequently, listening to this album becomes a trial in patience.  You do nothing but wonder what these three singers sounded like in real life, what kind of a paycheck they got for singing these songs fifty-odd years ago, and how fast the tapes were sped up in order to get this 'chipmunk' sound.  

They got this on 8-Track?  Why don't I own this?!

Yes, while my two girls dance around the living room to these festive little rodents, Yours Truly just frowns at the back liner notes of this album, tearing up a little as the veil of Childhood Innocence falls away from his eyes.

Thanks a lot, Alvin.

Alvin?


ALVIN!!!

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent  (A nostalgic Holiday album that sadly doesn't hold up as well as some of its brothers, but - despite its low score - will remain in circulation this season 'cause my kids love it.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -