The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CXXXII

Kenny Rogers should've known when to fold 'em on this one. . .

Album Title:  Christmas:

Album Artist:  Kenny Rogers

If you came here expecting an album that sounds like 'The Gambler,' but instead of a guy dying on a train it's, you know, Christmas, then I have some really bad news for you, folks.

This isn't a country Christmas album in the slightest. If you didn't know Kenny Rogers' discography you'd be forgiven for not identifying him as a celebrated country star, based on this release. While there are a couple songs that hint at 'country' more than your typical Christmas album - 'Kentucky Homemade Christmas,' namely - this feels too corporate for authenticity. Like when you see a millionaire from the city wearing cowboy boots because they happen to be vacationing somewhere trendy out west.

' The f*** outta here with that crap, poser.

'Corporate' is a good word for this album, to tell you the truth - the whole thing just smacks of having money thrown at it. The production and mixing of this album is top-notch, which isn't surprising considering Kenny Rogers was a pretty big deal back in the day. This album was released in 1980 - the year I was born - at the height of that late '70s to mid-80's era when music was super polished and pain-stakingly produced (see: Yacht Rock) 

I 100% believe that every, last studio musician who performed on this album was wearing a ponytail.

They have full string sections on many of these songs, which are all arranged competently and, in most cases, are familiar Holiday songs. That's a check in the 'assets' column for Kenny, because a lot of these Holiday albums done by contemporary singers load the track lists with bullshit no one's ever heard of (or wants to hear.) While there are a few originals on here, they're 'meh' as far as Christmas songs go, there's nothing on this album that's too painful to listen to.

So having powered through both sides of this LP, this music gives serious '1980s Department Store' vibes. I've mentioned this before on a prior post, but music like this used to be used during the Holidays by chain stores because there's a science to playing music in stores (I know this because I majored in Advertising and Marketing in college.) If the music is too fast, people will move faster through the store and feel 'rushed.' If it's too slow, people will get bored and not feel motivated enough to shop more, and may spend less money than they otherwise would. You want relaxing music, but not to the point where folks are getting catatonic. 

Kenny Rogers' Christmas album fits the bill. It's sappy orchestral music, which doesn't try to hide it's attempts at tugging at one's heart strings with the repeated string swells, track after track, probably crackled across department store speakers throughout the country for years. And I'm sure a lot of folks loved it, too; this album would've been gobbled up by those country music fans who wanted to listen to some 'slick' Christmas music for a change. Kinda like when a lady who lives in a run-down trailer decides to use a credit card to splurge on a $600 purse so she can feel like a Kardashian. 

I'm disappointed there wasn't more country on this album, but, considering the year/era it was produced, I'm not surprised. Raw talent softens with age, money and success, and it's way easier to just let the money do the talking. I added that 'Kentucky' track on to my Christmas 4 (Country) Amazon Music playlist (the only song that's half-way decent and sounds like 'country' Kenny Rogers), but I'm totally fine with never listening to the other nine songs ever again.

I wish this would have been a Kenny Loggins Christmas album instead, that would have been cool. I love me some Yacht Rock. Does Kenny Loggins even have a Christmas album? I'd imagine he would.

I should look into this. . .

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (Early '80s corporate execs have Kenny Rogers check his 'country' persona at the door for a sappy, sleek, and ultimately boring Christmas album. It gets one pity point for a decent song on Side A, otherwise this would be a solid '4.')

- SHELVED-

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CXX

Alright gang, grab yourself a Holiday cocktail and settle on in for an early '80s Yuletide shit-show. . .

Album Title:  Christmas at Our House

Album Artist:  Barbara Mandrell

Guys, this is a weird, weird album.

This Barb chick was apparently was an up-and-coming country singer back in the day. I had to Wikipedia her because I've never heard of this person, who apparently was relevant (kinda) in the late '70s and early '80s. There were a few songs that hit the radio, she had a short-lived variety show back in the day, etc. 

But I consider myself somewhat of a 'music aficionado,' so the fact I haven't heard of her isn't a good sign.

What the hell - this dog looks like a f***ing Muppet. 

Anyway, this album sounds like the entire backing tracks were recorded by a company that specializes in mass-producing karaoke CDs. In fact, even with this chick singing, the entire album sounds like a karaoke album (apparently she was a country singer, but aside from a barely-discernible 'twang' in her voice there's no trace of country on this whole album.) 

While reviewing this, I feel like I'm in a small town dive bar, drinking Coors Lite, and watching a mom of some guy I went to high school with acting like she's in her 20's singing while half-buzzed. Not to that slurry point of drunkenness quite yet, but to that point where she's slightly randy and has her sites set on an unsuspecting member of the audience.

With the exception of 'Winter Wonderland' - the only real Christmas song on this whole, frickin' album - all of the songs on here were clearly written by a team of local community college music majors that were given an assignment by their professor where they had to write 'Christmas Songs.' "For this assignment, you have to use the following Christmas terms in a song featuring at least three major chords: Savior, Christmas, Star, Light, Snow, Magic, Home, Season, Peace, Love, etc."

Guys, I can't stress this enough: Christmas Albums 101 dictates you include songs on your Holiday album that folks can easily recognize and appreciate. Give the masses what they want: "Jingle Bells," "Good King Wencelas," "O Come All Ye Faithful," etc. God knows there's, like, a hundred of them. And they're ALL Public Domain. It's not like money's an issue here, folks. The fact that the studio execs actually said, "Recognizable Christmas songs? Nah, we've got a better idea - hold our beers. . . " is mind-blowing.

The sound majority of the songs here are more religious in nature, which shouldn't be all that surprising seeing how they're from a 'country singer' and everything. This totally sound like the sort of album some small town wife would listen to while their husband Carl and his cousin Todd are out in the woods, drinking shitty beer and checking their animal traps. Around the double-wide trailer they share, this album is playing on a cassette deck (because a turntable would require too much technical skill to operate), and while the wife and Todd's girlfriend are smoking cigarettes and making food in a linoleum-tiled kitchen, a bunch of dirty-faced, fat kids are watching Ernest Saves Christmas while wearing their soaking-wet snow boats indoors. There's lots of antlers on hand, along with obesity and copious usage of the N-word.

Ugh.

Hey guys, wanna see Barb strangle this poor dog to death?

It isn't until well into Side B (seriously) that Barb finally drops another familiar jam, "I'll Be Home for Christmas". . . and even this sounds like shitty karaoke. It's a short-lived moment of familiarity, because the following tracks are all unrecognizable songs that either a.) were written in-house and approved by studio big-wigs that wanted to give this Barb chick a vehicle for Yuletide stardom, or b.) Barb wrote these songs herself. And, in the case of the latter, there's clearly a reason I've never heard of this chick. These songs are terrible.

Barb can sorta sing, but in a way that screams 'shoulder-pads' and 'wine coolers.' One gets the impression that she's the girlfriend of someone with connections. Maybe she was hot back in the day, I don't know. . . but one doesn't get a shot at recording a well-produced Holiday album without having talent or doing 'favors' for the record company execs. 

My money's on the latter.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (An obscure country artist from the early '80s records a highly-polished karaoke album filled with 'Christmas' songs that no one has ever heard before. And apparently people bought this album back in the day? Like, with real money?)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CXIX

Get ready for some rootin' tootin' Holiday scootin', gang -  we're about to have ourselves a weird, lil' hootenanny up in this place. . .

Album Title:  Christmas Greetings from Nashville

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Okay, so I'll own this one - I didn't bother taking a close look at which artists were on this particular compilation when I picked it up out of the dollar bin at Radio Wasteland. I just read 'Nashville' and got excited: while I'm not a fan of modern country music (or, 'Hick Hop,' as I like to call the bullshit that is Bro Country), but I'm a bg fan of old '50s-'70s honky tonk. The Cash, Twitty, Jennings, Lynn, Jones, and Wynette stuff.

Sadly, none of those ladies and gentlemen appear on this Holiday compilation. If the aforementioned country stars of yesteryear are the varsity players, than what we have here is the JV team. The Benchwarmers. While there's a couple of decent musicians to be found here (I see you there in the back, Floyd Cramer), there aren't a ton, and there's not a lot of talent to get excited over.

First of all, I should point out that whomever pressed this album did one of the worst jobs I've ever heard. To say there's surface noise here is an understatement, but if that alone were the only issue with the noise I could somewhat excuse it. The whole recording sounds like someone triple-dubbed a cassette tape (you know, they made a copy of a copy of a cassette that was originally recorded from a CD.) It's so muddled you can barely differentiate instruments sometimes. To make matters worse (because it does get worse, gang), the master volume is so loud that even with my receiver's pre-amp turned all the way down the distortion light stays solid. 

Ideally said light would be occasionally blinking, like when an audio level clips into the red - picture the level just solid RRREEEEEEDDDDD for the entirety of TWO SIDES OF AN ALBUM and that's what we're dealing with here.

Ah yes. . . the 'From Our House to Yours' inspirational write-up. Classic.

Now on to that actual music.

Again, all the songs on this album are done by Country Music's B-Team, and they're not terrible. These are all artists who found mediocre success in their genre back in the day. They all sing fine, as far as ole timey country singers go, though a few of them I've never heard of them. . . so they might be studio 'filler' groups that have contracts to take up space on compilations like this. Sometimes when studios couldn't fork out the money for big names, they'd fill gaps with groups they got on the cheap in order to round out a playlist. I think that might be the case on this one.

The arrangements are good, and nearly all the song selections on this album are safe bets - Christmas favorites that everyone knows by heart, which is what you want on any Holiday album. What's frustrating is one can see the potential this album had if only a.) the production team could've, I don't know, maybe spent a little more time and effort into the mastering process on this release so it didn't sound like complete shit, and b.) maybe paid for the top-tier talent instead of relying on the country radio station's 'filler' squad.

"Christmas Time's a-Coming" is a perfect example of a song that, while not bad, has been done so much better by others. I've heard this exact same version done in the same bluegrass style, equal parts Appalachian barbecue and gospel barn-burner, and done far better by Emmylou Harris. 

No country album would be complete without "Blue Christmas," a melancholy staple that's a must-have on any Holiday playlist. Elvis, Cash, and so many other artists have knocked this one out of the park, but The Browns - whoever the hell they are, I've never heard of 'em - phone this one in. It's bland, there's no heart and/or soul in it, and the whole thing sounds forced. Yet another missed opportunity.

Floyd Cramer's rendition of "Jingle Bell Rock" might be the best song on this album, a rollicking instrumental featuring his typical, upbeat piano bashing. Unfortunately, it's sandwiched between two stink-fests: Dottie West's so-bland-it's-forgettable "You Are My Christmas, Carol" (get it? Christmas, Carol instead of Christmas Carol?) and Hank Snow's "Little Stranger (In a Manger)," which sounds like someone's drunken uncle slurring over a church nativity setup on his late-night stumble back from the bar.

All in all, this is another classic example of missed opportunity. Replacing these artists with ones that were a click or six up from what you have here, and getting someone besides a bunch of cigarette-smoking chimps to master the pressing of this album, would have delivered an album that could very well have made it into regular, Holiday rotation.

Alas, this JV squad is being benched.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (A lackluster Holiday compilation from Nashville's mediocre Junior Varsity squad.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XCVI

So uh, here we go again, folks.  Time for some G-Rated Holiday fun from a B-Rated 'Country' singer. . . I guess.  Let's do this.

Album Title:  Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and Other Christmas Songs

Album Artist:  Tex Johnson and His Six-Shooters

Another Radio Wasteland Dollar Bin find this year, I had a pretty good idea I was in for some bottom-shelf Children's music, capitalizing on the '50s Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer craze.

I had never heard of 'Tex Johnson' before, but when I picked this up I assumed he was some old Country singer who had a few hits back in the 1940s and 1950s, and now he was being thrown a few bucks in order to cut an album of Children's Christmas songs.  That isn't out of the ordinary, of course - popular singers have been cashing in on the well-accepted practice of recording their own Christmas album for decades.  I mean, it is pretty fool-proof when you think about it:  you already have an established career, so you record and album where you're covering songs that are already well-known favorites that everyone already knows and loves.  It's a win-win, you're bound to make some money off it.

Turning to Wikipedia to learn more about this dude, I was once again Gene Riley'd (a term I'm going to try and use from now on when coming up with nothing on the Internet's signature Encyclopedic site) - the only 'Tex Johnson' page I came across was this guy, who was a baseball pitcher during, oh, World War I.  

Going out on a limb here and concluding that they aren't the same guy.

The history of Rudolph and. . .um. . . Johhny Marks.

The back of the album wasn't much help, either.  The entire backside of the sleeve was the backstory of the popularity of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and his creator, Johhny Marks.  No mention of the guys that actually perform on this album.  Never a good sign.

The signature song on this album is 'meh' at best.  It's not in the same ballpark as Burl Ives (who did the song better than anyone), but instead comes across as a Dollar Store, cheap Chinese knock-off of the Gene Autry rendition (Autry being the original artist, recording it back in 1949.)  Tex here tries his damnedest to imitate Autry with his performance, drawling and twanging through the number with a safe and non-offensive approach.  It comes across as a performance you'd expect to find on a Saturday morning, Children's variety show.  On the radio (because this was probably recorded before TVs were commonplace in American living rooms - I'm trying to be historically accurate here, folks.)

Had this song been the standard for the remainder of the track list, we'd have ourselves a solid '5' here, but the album goes downhill in a hurry.  Tex can carry a tune, in that hokey, 'lonesome cowboy' sorta way that appealed to millions of Americans back in the day, and the album is clearly aimed at kids - something to keep in mind, for sure - but Children's albums are dangerous things, and they're easier to screw up than you would think.  Allow me to point out some mis-steps from Tex and the gang on this one. . .  

I'm gonna say this once and I want to be very clear about this, ladies and gentlemen:  we do not need accordions in Christmas music.  This isn't a pirate shanty, it's a Christmas album.  I can't think of ever listening to a Christmas song and ever once thinking, 'Damn, you know what this song needs?  Some motherf***ing accordion accompaniment.'  And there is soooo much accordion on this Goddamn album.

There's some weird barber shop-ish a cappella stuff in here as well that also, obviously, has no business being on a kids' album. If you want to have a choir doing vocalizing sans music accompaniment, that's fine and all, but you better be performing a religious Christmas song.  Like something solemn in tone and message, something churchy in nature.  Kids certainly don't wanna hear that shit, Tex.

The upbeat country numbers on this album - 'Wait for the Wagon (on Christmas Day)' and 'Pride of the Prairie Mary', for example - are the easiest to listen to.  The target audience for songs like this are those cowboy-obsessed kids of the 1950s, like Ralphie in A Christmas Story.  Still, songs like 'Cheyenne,' which is definitely a country/western song, are overly done to the point where nowhere in the lyrics - at any given point in time - is anything remotely related to Christmas ever mentioned.  Not once. 

Santa apparently flipping off Tex for not being included.

Don't get me wrong, folks. I like old timey Country/Western music as the next guy, but c'mon, Tex - this is supposed to be a Christmas album.  Ain't nobody got time for songs about the Lonesome Trail.  How hard would it be to change up the lyrics a bit here and there.  Maybe instead of meeting a fair-eyed girl on the praire, you find - oh, I don't know - Santa Claus.  Maybe instead of leading your horse through a gully on a starlit night, you're leading a reindeer.

It practically writes itself, Tex.

The saving grace here is that this may be the shortest Holiday album I've ever reviewed - each song is, like, a minute long.  The whole offering is probably 15-20 minutes, tops.  As unbearable as it can be in spots, at least it's over fast.  Like ripping off a band-aid.

On the Lonesome Trail, of course.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (A nobody from the 1950s cuts a Children's Christmas album, but overdoes the Country/Western thing, and inexplicably decides to double-down with an accordion and an obnoxious backing vocal group.  I decided to grace it with a few pity points for it's super-short running time, the title song, and a couple upbeat Country songs, but this sort of music has been done far better by other folks who, you know, you can actually find on the Internet.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XLII

Happy Tuesday, Nation.

I think we've finally got a break in the weirdness this time around. . .

Album Title:  Light of the Stable:  The Christmas Album

Album Artist:  Emmylou Harris

This Holiday offering by Emmylou Harris is good.  If you're unfamiliar with her work, you'd probably recognize her Southern-tinged airy voice from the 2001 best-selling, knockout Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? soundtrack.  She's been around for decades, though, and is a pretty respected bluegrass artist, having performed with mainstream artists from the White Stripes to Robert Plant.  

I love bluegrass music (which shouldn't surprise any of you at all) because it feels genuine, and truth in music is so rare anymore that when you do stumble upon it, it's worth holding on to.  The genre, like its contemporary, the Blues, is rooted in American history (the former could be considered the folk music of White America, while the latter is that of Black America.)  While it's not something I listen to all the time - you really do have to be in the right mood for it, and I'll get more into that later - I'll always have a place in my heart for bluegrass music.

"Hey, Ms. Harris, what would you like to wear in the photo shoot for your new Christmas album cover?"  "A crocheted tablecloth, please.  And nothing else."

I think she took this picture in Farwell, Michigan. . .

That being said, Emmylou has a signature singing and musical style within the genre:  her own take on bluegrass music is more mellow, and slower in tempo, than a lot of her male contemporaries in the genre.  A lot of bluegrass makes you think of stompin' your feet on the wooden boards of your mama's Old Kentucky Home front porch, while you strum a banjo and throw back some of grand pappy's old moonshine, White Lightning, or the like.  Perhaps afterwards you'll couple with your cousin and then chase some black folks out of town before swimmin' naked down in the ol' crick. 

Emmylou's music doesn't conjure up the same imagery (thank God, it is Christmas, after all.)  Instead, we have quiet reflective mornings in the country - someone chopping wood, or milking a cow, or bottling up jam in a country cottage - not a lot of hoe-downs and hootenannies to be found on this album.  Appropriately, her track selection reflects this.  Nearly every song on this album is a religious carol, which suits her singing style perfectly.  The only exception is the old country favorite 'Christmas Time's a-Coming,' probably the most upbeat song on this album, but it feels more like a church-sponsored barn dance than a hootenanny.

There are no stinkers on this album - every, last song delivers.  It'd be a solid '8' or '9' if it wasn't pigeon-holed into such a specific genre (similar albums, like Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker Suite or the Statler Brothers' country-gospel album, have suffered the same fate.)  I'm deducting one point simply because it's a bluegrass album, one because it's 'chill' (nothing wrong with that, of course, but you have to be in the right mood for it), and one because, well, it's not Charlie Brown's Christmas or The Muppets.

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad (A great Holiday album, and one that's going to make future appearances on my turntable throughout the Holiday season.  Only when I'm in a chill mood, though.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XXIII

Grab your bible, your whiskey and your fanciest of Christmas sweaters, folks:  it's time for a good ol' fashioned Yuletide Hootenanny. . .

Album Title:  A Christmas Card

Album Artist:  The Statler Brothers

I love old Country and Honky Tonk, guys.  I love the holy heck out of it.

Not really a genre I got into as a high-schooler, mind you, or even the majority of college, for that matter.  Rather, it was through playing old country songs as I taught myself guitar my senior year of college - and having a few good ol' boys as roommates who listened to nothing but country - that made me appreciate it.  Now, don't get me wrong, I despise nearly all country that's emerged since the mid-70s, but that old stuff?  The stuff my grandfathers listened to, that reeks of whiskey, Jesus, cowboys, and low-down, no-good women?  That's my jam, folks.

And the Statler Brothers fall into this category.

I was pretty stoked to find it at a thrift store for a mere 99 cents, I can tell you that much (though I own this album on CD already, so there were no shockers here.)  A lot of these songs are well-known standards, especially on country stations, and I'm sure you've heard most of them already.  There's no real weak tracks on this album to speak of, besides the obvious 'spoken word' crap that appears on so many country-ish Christmas albums from the '60s and '70s.  Those old country singers couldn't get enough of that 'from our house to yours' bullshit:

Seriously, guys. . .

Cheesy, Holiday well-wishing aside, if there's one thing holding this record down - and I'm nit-picking here, because I do like this album -  it's that the Statler Brothers never really 'let their hair down.'  When they sing, they sound exactly as they should:  like four old country western musicians singing.  Consequently, anything they sing automatically sounds sentimental, grizzled, and solemn.  I wouldn't say depressing, per se, but it's not really the sort of music that makes you want to spring out of bed in the morning and run a 5K or anything.

LOOK OUT, FELLAS - THERE'S A WOLF CHASIN' YA

(Not that there's any Christmas song - or any song, for that matter - in existence that could make me want to do that.)

Anyway, this is an all-around solid Holiday album if you like old timey Country Western music.  If you don't, skip this and don't look back.  I love the Statler Brothers, but they're definitely pigeon-holed into their genre.  This album works amazingly well if you find yourself thinking about years past on a long, December car ride through the country.

For hosting a lively Christmas party?  Probably not.

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome  (A solid old country western record that works well during those rare, quiet, contemplative moments that pop up throughout the Holiday season)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XIV

Welcome back to another yuletide, holly jolly jam-fest, America. . .

Album Title:  Pretty Paper

Album Artist:  Willie Nelson

I'm a big fan of old honky tonk, guys.  Cash, Waylon, Hank, Twitty, etc.  Can't stand the new, poppy shit they're passing off as 'Country' these days, but the old country/western stuff of the '40s - '70s is usually gold in my book.  I have gigs of the shit in my iTunes library, and stacks of vinyl on my record shelves, so I like to think I know what I'm talking about.

Willie generally falls within that category, too. . . but what we have here is, like, Willie's lame, chromosome-deficient half-sibling.  Instead of marijuana, whiskey, gravel and blood, this Bizarro Willie knows only doilies, living room organs, lemon squares, and the unbridled joys of a good, fleece throw.

What the f*** is up with that beret and earring?

This sure as hell doesn't sound like the Willie I know.  Jesus Christ, just check out his picture.

Anyway, this whole album features that aforementioned living room organ prominently on every track on this record.  It sounds exactly like the ones found in either one of my grandmothers' houses growing up.  Warbly, poor-toned eye-sores that were more novelty than instrument.  In the '60s and '70s, they were probably living room staples, I'm sure;  much like the Hi-Fi, wet bar, and umbrella stand.  I had fun playing on them when I was a kid, but shit - what the hell did I know when I was a kid?  I thought the Civil War was the greatest thing ever and played with G.I. Joes until I was waaaay too old to be doing so.

But let's get back to Mr. Nelson, here.

If you're looking for a solid Honky Tonk Christmas album, folks, I got some bad news for you:  this sure as shit ain't it.  This isn't even close to Country; hell, the stuff they're playing on 'country' stations now sounds more country than what we have here.  This album was cut in 1979, which may explain the gooey delivery of Bizarro Willie, the heavily-used Grandma Organ, and the creepy song list (a bunch of kids songs, Willie?  SERIOUSLY?)

I'm disappointed with this, to tell you the truth.  I figured I might stumble across a song on this record about a rebellious drifter rolling on down the highway, low on gas and money but full of Christmas cheer (and a bellyful of whiskey to boot.)  Or perhaps a slow ballad holiday song about a drunkard all alone on Christmas Eve, sitting in the dark, drunk, and thinking about his lost love and prioritizing his yuletide shit.

But no.

Here we have a woozy crooner butchering kids songs, far out of his element, somewhere in the bowels of his grandmother's living room.

It's really weirding me out.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (Sympathy points for being Willie Nelson, who - despite what we have here - is a bonafide badass.)

- SHELVED -

Album Title:  Christmas

Album Artist:  Tennessee Ernie Ford

You know that ol' phrase, 'fool me once, shame on you/fool me twice, shame on me'?  That's kinda what we have, here.

At first, upon dropping the needle, I was met with a moderately fast country version of 'Up On the Housetop,' and I thought to myself, 'Well gall'darn - maybe Tennessee Ernie Ford has redeemed himself on this one' ('cause God knows his past appearances on some of those Christmas compilations have been train wrecks.)

Well, that was pretty short-lived.  As soon as the dude started singing, I once again remembered why it is this guy grates me so damn much in the first place:  his cartoon-villain, baritone voice.  It works for Johnny Cash, one of my top five favorite musicians, 'cause in his case it sounds like a man with a deep voice singing with conviction.  With Mr. Ford, though, you get the feeling that he actually talks like an average-pitched person, and is going out of his way and trying to have those baritone pipes.

The result is, well, unsettling.

If Skeletor's legion of bad guys on Eternia were cutting a Christmas album, Tennessee Ernie Ford is the first dude they'd phone up.  No doubt about it.

This album's arrangements are hokey, and with Ford's creepy bass-heavy voice crooning over top of it, it's hard to imagine this album being any worse than it already is.

. . . but then the spoken verses appear.

I don't who the hell enjoys the spoken verse on an album.  If I'm listening to music, I don't want to hear someone stop singing only to start talking to me - that's like watching a dramatic scene of a movie and then having the actor turn to the camera, breaking the fourth wall, and speaking directly to the viewer.  It's jarring, and it's stupid.

But that's not even the worst part, folks.  Oh yes:  this album gets worse.

Worse than Ford's singing, worse than the corny spoken verses (which are soooo bad they're almost awesome at times), is the children's choir.  Ford - for whatever Goddamn reason - decided to record a Christmas album full of children's songs.  If having someone like Ford groaning over a collection of kid songs wasn't creepy enough, he has an accompaniment of children singing throughout the album.  Unlike the Disney children's chorus, which sticks to background vocals, on Ford's album the kids are the main attraction:  there are kids singing solos on this record, which puts the kid front and center on several of these songs.

What's so wrong about kids singing?  Well, nothing, I guess. . . but when they're singing back and forth with Ford's cartoon villain voice, it sounds HORRIFYING.  It sounds less like a Christmas album and more like Tennessee Ernie Ford has a bunch of kidnapped kids locked away in a pit in his basement, and in order for them to receive food, he demands that they sing Christmas carols with him.  They cry and beg to be let go, but Ford - dressed like a woman, wearing lipstick, and screaming at them in his sinister Holiday voice - demands they sing for their supper.  

"IT SINGS 'HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING' OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN."

VERDICT:   2/10 - Reality TV (It gets a pity point for the slightly country tone, cheesy inspirational note on the back, and comically terrible spoken verses found throughout this record.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XII

It's a John Denver-sorta episode today, Internet.  Get ready for fun.

Album Title:  A Christmas Together

Album Artist:  John Denver and the Muppets

This one's a no-brainer.

A Christmas Together is one of those albums that belongs in every holiday music lover’s record collection, alongside the Vince Guaraldi Trio’s A Charlie Brown Christmas, Disney’s All-Time Holiday Favorites, and Bing Crosby’s Merry Christmas.  It’s a classic, and as such there isn’t a whole hell of a lot I need to say to defend it.

It’s the Muppets, for Christ’s sake.  Not liking the Muppets is like not liking air conditioning or puppies:  it just doesn’t make sense.

Inside sleeve art (I love Rolf's hands tickling the keys at the far left.)

This collaboration with John Denver - which, I’ll admit, sounds a bit random when you first think of it - is music gold.  You have to remember that back in the day, during the hey-day of the Muppet Show, everybody who was anybody wanted a chance to jam with the Muppets.  They were the gods of television back then, so it only makes sense that, while at the height of his popularity and star power, a performer like John Denver would agree to cut an album with the Muppets.

Gangstas.

It doesn’t disappoint, either.  Much like the Disney holiday album I already reviewed, the Muppets and Mr. Denver take a similar approach in singing various Christmas standards:  the Muppets take the fun-loving carols, like ‘Twelve Days of Christmas,’ ‘Little Saint Nick,’ etc., while John Denver takes the more solemn, Jesus-based songs like ‘Noel’ (which plays to his strength as a mellow country singer.)

Unlike the Disney characters, I think the Muppets do have a handful among their ranks that could get away with singing a more religious jam, namely Kermit and Robin.  Nevertheless, I assume the album is named John Denver and the Muppets and not The Muppets (feat. John Denver) for a reason.

Long story short, this album is definitely in my top three as far as Christmas records go.  If you don’t own it, something’s seriously wrong with you.

VERDICT:  10/10 - . . . And Out Come the Wolves (The Muppets scoring less than '10/10'?  I don't think so. . .)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

Album Title:  Rocky Mountain Christmas

Album Artist:  John Denver

Continuing on with Mr. Denver, we have here a Muppet-less Christmas album that stresses something else the artist is famous for:  his love of the Rocky Mountains.  The whole ‘mountain’ angle shouldn’t really come to much of a surprise for anyone, really:  the dude’s last name is Denver. 

This looks nothing like my kitchen table. . .

While John Denver isn’t one of my favorite old country singers (I personally prefer some gunpowder and whiskey in my country songs, like you can find in the songs of Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, Jimmie Rodgers, etc.), this album is pretty good.  It’s more mellow, so you definitely have to be in the right mood for it.  I’d throw this one on if I was feeling nostalgic, sitting around a fire sipping egg nog and looking through photo albums of Christmases past.  

That’s not really the sort of environment that screams ‘Muppets’ or demands a rip-roaring Johnny Cash album blaring in the background, so John Denver is an acceptable substitute.

Now, I personally prefer my John Denver with a sprinkling of Henson, so this album doesn’t achieve the score of the other album in today’s Episode.  Nevertheless, it’s still good enough to remain on the Hough Record Holiday Shelf ’til December 26th or so.

VERDICT:   7/10 - Pretty Rad  (No Muppets, but still pretty good.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian