The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XCIV

Welcome back, Internet.  Let us kick back and throw another tablet of dusty, vintage wax on the ol' turntable, shall we. . .

Album Title:  Best of the Great Songs of Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Now, I've reviewed my fair share of these 'Great Songs of Christmas' compilations over the years (as you will recall.)  Not that that should be all that surprising - this series may be the most popular Holiday series of the 1950s/60s, based solely on the amount of second-hand copies that exist to this day.  From the discarded piles in moldy thrift stores, to the dollar bins of local record stores, they're like the Christmas equivalents of Mantovani, The Lettermen, and Herb Alpert.

. . . who, consequently, have also recorded Holiday albums (which we'll get around to here sooner or later.)

Anyway, I knew what I was getting into when I picked this compilation up a couple years ago.  God knows we've already been exposed to the overly-dramatic crooning and overly-religious arrangements in years past, but it's actually the title of this particular album that made me pick it up.  

I mean, The Best of. . . ?  When so many of these albums feature 90% of the same artists, and most of the backing music all sounds the same, how is one to supposed to accurately ascertain which, in fact, are the Best of the Best?  

Are we led to believe that it's the good folks over at Goodyear Tires, who sold this album?  Did the Goodyear henchmen barge into a music executive's office one afternoon and slap the shit out of him with an oily shop rag until he agreed to put together the all-encompassing, Holy Grail of Christmas Compilations?  Because if so, that'd be pretty rad.

As the needle dropped on Side A, I had my doubts.  John Davidson's rendition of 'First Noel' may have been all the rage back in the day when your grandmother was being felt up in the back seat of a Buick by Gary Cooper before he got famous, but it's a royal snooze fest now.  'Born is the King of Israel?'  More like 'BORED is the King of Israel.'  

Get it?

Leonard Berstein's take on 'Carol of the Bells' is a well-known instrumental, and it's okay, but it's short-lived.  It isn't long before Anna Moffo stumbles into the sound booth like a drunken aunt in bedazzled jeans and a Walmart cowboy hat, thinking she sings way better that she actually does.  This performance is truly Kate Smith territory, folks - too loud and too warbly - like, this is how I try and sing opera around my house when I'm trying to annoy my wife.  I've never before been so disgusted listening to 'Joy to the World.'

As bad as that was, Richard Tucker's 'The Lord's Prayer' is way worse, as he, too, attempts to pull of that opera singing thing.  He's not actually worse in terms of singing, it's almost the urgency in his voice that is worse: with Moffo she's singing because she thinks she sounds good, but with this guy it's like he knows he doesn't sing good but he just really needs that paycheck.  So he kicks into overdrive in order to seal the deal.  

And I mean, come on - like 'The Lord's Prayer' can compete with f***ing 'Jingle Bells' in terms of Holiday yule.  Puh-leez.

Mahalia Jackson's 'Away in a Manger,' thankfully, isn't comically bad like the previous two tracks - one definitely needs a break after all of that. 'Ave Maria' is, thankfully, an instrumental as well - and while not overly awesome, it's at least a breather.  Barbara Streisand rounds out Side A, and while I'm not a fan of her music by any means, she at least has a decent voice and knows how to use it (take notes, Moffo.)

Side B starts off with a hilariously over-zealous Petula Clark, who couldn't be more dramatic in singing 'Happiest Christmas' if she wanted to.  It's like Angela Lambert is being impersonated by a trying-too-hard High School Drama Club student. But then, fortunately, Tony Bennett steps up next with his rendition of 'The Christmas Song' and brings some much-needed gravitas to this otherwise total clown show.  Riding in like reinforcements in a hopeless battle's darkest hour, come Ray Conniff, Percy Faith, Doris Day, and Andy Williams - who roll up in succession with their somewhat respectful versions of Holiday favorites in order to beat back the absolute absurdity of Side A.

It seriously sounds as if Side A went off the rails during the song-selection process, with worked-over music execs throwing together a track list all willy-nilly, before the Goodyear tire folks took matters into their own hands with Side B.  I hesitate to consider Doris Day, Andy Williams, and Percy Faith 'Best of' material, but compared to some of the other shit-bags we've had to listen to over the years on these Great Songs of Christmas albums, they're about as good as one's gonna get.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (I almost gave this a 5, as it does have a few songs that are decent, but there are just too many Holiday duds on this compilation to warrant a quasi-respectable rating.  I'd give it a 4.5 if this was a '.5' sorta blog, but it's not - and even if it was we round down with shit like this.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian