10 Things I Wish My Phone Did

Hey gang.

In case you didn't know this about me, I'm a huge fan of gadgets. Absolutely love 'em. Among these is my phone - I thoroughly enjoy my Android MyTouch 4G smart phone. I wanted an iPhone, like most other nerds, but, alas, T-Mobile wasn't cool enough to be invited to that party. So, in its place, this Android phone of mine has more than met my expectations, and I couldn't be happier with it.

Yet, as cool as the thing is, its still not that cool.

Here are ten features or options that would make me love my phone more than my kids:


1o. Words of encouragement. Yes, you can get this by recording yourself (or, if you really wanted to be fancy, you could have someone else) speaking words of encouragement. Then, you could use that recording as a notification ringtone of some sort. Then, you could set an alarm so that those words of encouragement would warmly greet you, at random intervals, throughout your toilsome day. Technically, yes, that would work... but it kinda defeats the purpose. The phone should encourage you. It should tell you, in its sweet robotic voice, that's your cool in its book. God knows you thought it was cool when you dropped $300 on it. The least it could do is return the favor.


9. Emergency features. Seat belt cutter, window breaker, fold-out knife, and a side compartment for matches, fishing line, and flints. This might make one's cell phone a tad on the 'bulky' side, sure... but do you want to end up on the crap end of the stick when 'it' hits the fan? Jesus, folks, did you ever see Red Dawn?!

Yeah... that's what I thought.


8. Cheaper Price. Am I right, folks?!


7. Hypnosis feature. This has a lot of possibilities, all of which are just great.



6. Blood/Urine/Breathalizer Test. Yeah, okay, fine - there are 'apps' that can tell you if you're sober enough to drive. But who wants to add in the exact time for each of their seventeen Miller Lites? Not me. Sure, I could just go to the store and buy one of those personal breathalizer kits, but then I'd feel like I had some sort of drinking problem.

Psshh...


5. Stun gun. I prefer the term 'blaster,' or even the less-manly 'phaser' (sorry, Star Trek - you can't compete with Star Wars), but having a feature on one's cell phone where you pushed a button and Palpatine-esque lightning bolts shoot out would be arguably more awesome than a zombie Beatles reunion.


4. The Transformer Option. If my cell phone turned into a fully-functional, ass-kicking, miniature robot, I'd never have time to right these crappy blog entries. Nope. I'd be out and about in the real world, having super-sweet adventures with my wise-cracking robo-friend. And you'd all be jealous.


3. Face recognition. You've probably heard of this - the Department of Homeland Security is a big fan of this sort of technology. Of course, I wouldn't be using it to track down terrorists; rather, I'd be using this flashy app to readily identify people that I sort of remember from parties or previous encounters, but can't remember their name. Also comes in handy while watching TV or at the movies, trying to figure out how you know that actor/actress, what they've previously been in, etc.


2. Teleportation. This would be radical. Just think about it: you'd use it all the time, for everything. Not only for vacations or long-distance visits, but even for everyday ventures out and about to the grocery store, the hardware store, and (booya!) work. Eventually, you'd probably even start teleporting yourself to the bathroom in the middle of the night, or out in the backyard to make sure you've shut off the lawn sprinklers.

As you can see, the only downside I can think of for such an app is that eventually, you'd turn into one, gigantor fat-ass.

1. Lightsaber. See #5? Multiply that by, like, a billion. Right?! C'mon, people!

- Brian