10 Things I Wish My Phone Did

Hey gang.

In case you didn't know this about me, I'm a huge fan of gadgets. Absolutely love 'em. Among these is my phone - I thoroughly enjoy my Android MyTouch 4G smart phone. I wanted an iPhone, like most other nerds, but, alas, T-Mobile wasn't cool enough to be invited to that party. So, in its place, this Android phone of mine has more than met my expectations, and I couldn't be happier with it.

Yet, as cool as the thing is, its still not that cool.

Here are ten features or options that would make me love my phone more than my kids:


1o. Words of encouragement. Yes, you can get this by recording yourself (or, if you really wanted to be fancy, you could have someone else) speaking words of encouragement. Then, you could use that recording as a notification ringtone of some sort. Then, you could set an alarm so that those words of encouragement would warmly greet you, at random intervals, throughout your toilsome day. Technically, yes, that would work... but it kinda defeats the purpose. The phone should encourage you. It should tell you, in its sweet robotic voice, that's your cool in its book. God knows you thought it was cool when you dropped $300 on it. The least it could do is return the favor.


9. Emergency features. Seat belt cutter, window breaker, fold-out knife, and a side compartment for matches, fishing line, and flints. This might make one's cell phone a tad on the 'bulky' side, sure... but do you want to end up on the crap end of the stick when 'it' hits the fan? Jesus, folks, did you ever see Red Dawn?!

Yeah... that's what I thought.


8. Cheaper Price. Am I right, folks?!


7. Hypnosis feature. This has a lot of possibilities, all of which are just great.



6. Blood/Urine/Breathalizer Test. Yeah, okay, fine - there are 'apps' that can tell you if you're sober enough to drive. But who wants to add in the exact time for each of their seventeen Miller Lites? Not me. Sure, I could just go to the store and buy one of those personal breathalizer kits, but then I'd feel like I had some sort of drinking problem.

Psshh...


5. Stun gun. I prefer the term 'blaster,' or even the less-manly 'phaser' (sorry, Star Trek - you can't compete with Star Wars), but having a feature on one's cell phone where you pushed a button and Palpatine-esque lightning bolts shoot out would be arguably more awesome than a zombie Beatles reunion.


4. The Transformer Option. If my cell phone turned into a fully-functional, ass-kicking, miniature robot, I'd never have time to right these crappy blog entries. Nope. I'd be out and about in the real world, having super-sweet adventures with my wise-cracking robo-friend. And you'd all be jealous.


3. Face recognition. You've probably heard of this - the Department of Homeland Security is a big fan of this sort of technology. Of course, I wouldn't be using it to track down terrorists; rather, I'd be using this flashy app to readily identify people that I sort of remember from parties or previous encounters, but can't remember their name. Also comes in handy while watching TV or at the movies, trying to figure out how you know that actor/actress, what they've previously been in, etc.


2. Teleportation. This would be radical. Just think about it: you'd use it all the time, for everything. Not only for vacations or long-distance visits, but even for everyday ventures out and about to the grocery store, the hardware store, and (booya!) work. Eventually, you'd probably even start teleporting yourself to the bathroom in the middle of the night, or out in the backyard to make sure you've shut off the lawn sprinklers.

As you can see, the only downside I can think of for such an app is that eventually, you'd turn into one, gigantor fat-ass.

1. Lightsaber. See #5? Multiply that by, like, a billion. Right?! C'mon, people!

- Brian

Annoying Crap My Kids Do

Hey, how's everybody doing?

We're tired.

Yours truly and the artist-formerly-known-as-Preggosaurus get no sleep these days. Our newest addition is, by all accounts, nocturnal, and prefers to hang out at 2am instead of 2pm. This makes operating at full capacity during the daylight hours next to impossible, and that's when we have to be putting forth our 'A' game in order to handle the Cannonball's shenanigans.

Over the course of the last couple of weeks, since Kris pissed out our second child, Alayna's been one, giant hurricane of defiance and sass. Not directed to me, so much, but very much so to her Mom. I'm not sure if this is because Kris constantly has a life form attached to her breast or not. Who knows.

She openly defies orders, ignores warnings, and 'talks' back so frequently that 'time-outs' are becoming an almost hourly occurrence. Acting out in anger has become a problem, too. For example, Kris' cell phone was busted. We're not about to point fingers at who did it or anything, but it definitely wasn't Kris or myself. And I highly doubt Abby was able to destroy it, as she can't lift anything weighing more than a cotton ball. But we're not pointing fingers, here. Anyway, since niether Kris nor myself have gotten that publication deal for our Parenting 101: A Guide for Idiots Who Shouldn't Make Babies in the First Place book we've been compiling* yet, we're tackling toddler-wrangling on a day-to-day basis and awaiting that blessed day when Alayna and Abby are both out of the house and off to college.

September of 2028, baby. Start the countdown.

Now, if our days with Raffi taught us anything, its that there lies vast potential in the power of Television. Alayna has becomed obsessed with Yo Gabba Gabba, which is cat nip for two year olds. She loves it, and the DVDs we have of it are on constant rotation in the DVD player. Sure, I'd rather watch Yo Gabba Gabba than, say, Barney or the Unmentionable Sesame Street Character That Sabotaged Grover's Career, but its still a strain on one's sanity when one has to watch it on a daily basis.

Alas, for the time being, watching an episode of hip-hoppin' robots at 6am is way better than dealing with a toddler freak out at 6am.

Say what you will. Dad treasures his sanity.

- Brian

* = We're not writing this. That's a joke. We'd be the last people who should be writing a book like this.

Grad School = Big Pain in the Ass

i already hate grad school, and i haven't even started classes.

as stated before, i have no head for financial figuring-out, using fax machines, scheduling through various departments, calling different agencies and waiting for 3 to 5 business days for answers to simple questions, etc. etc. - all important aspects of the applying-to-graduate-school process. it should come to no surprise, therefore, that i've been having one hell of a time with the whole ordeal. this is absolute hell, folks. and is turning out to be even more of a pain in the ass than the peace corps application i had to undergo. not very much fun.

as it stands - and again, this is from what kris and i can gather (she's been doing her best to help me out with this, as i'm clinically retarded with this crap) - it looks like all i have to do in order to obtain my professional certification (the five-year renewable teaching certificate that allows me to keep my job) is complete my second year of teaching and take the graduate courses outlined in my masters program. that's it. i was convinced that i'd have to take a crap-load of undergraduate courses, thereby stalling my graduate classes and blowing handfuls of loot just in order to keep my job. that would've sucked big time.

then again, when you owe over $26,000 in student loans, what's another $20,000? i've already come to the realization that these loans are never going away, that i'll have to pass them on through subsequent generations as family heirlooms. i'm sure my great-great-great grandchildren will appreciate this.

...though by that time i'm sure we'll all be ruled by space gorillas and robots, so it won't really matter. (see picture)

fortunately, that's not the case. i get to start right away with the mega-hard classes... which i'm not looking forward to in the slightest. like i said before, folks - i hated college (classes). i'm not good at studying, i'm easily-distracted, i can't stay on top of due dates, and i'm arguably the world's worst procrastinator. so, more or less, i'm screwed with this whole grad school nonsense.

so why am i putting myself through this gauntlet of hell? because the houghs are on a timetable, that's why. when kris and i moved down here to florida in january of '07, we expected to live in florida for four to five years - long enough to obtain teaching jobs, finish grad school, and find work elsewhere. i think i've spelled this out before. ideally, i'd like to find a teaching job in illinois or indiana - somewhere in the midwest, close to michigan (there's practically a zero percent chance i'm going to find any work in michigan any time soon). it'd be nice to be able to make the drive from our place to home in less than 10 - 12 hours. now it takes about 22... and that was driving straight through, without a kid. that drive would be absolutely hell now.

sure, you can fly. but around the holidays, you get screwed with ticket costs and all those crap-fees. $700 - $900 to fly home for christmas for four or five days? not worth it, as far as we're concerned.

and so, with grad school out of the way - hopefully by the fall of 2010 - i'll be in prime positioning to start scouting out job prospects in the great white north.

...at least that's the plan so far.

- brian