The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CXL

Who's ready to dance with a sword? Dance with a sword in the sand?

Album Title:  Christmas Island

Album Artist:  Jimmy Buffet

This one isn't any stranger to Yours Truly, I've been listening to this one for decades. 

Honestly, it's kinda bizarre I hadn't picked this album up yet, considering how far I lean into Christmas vinyl. 

Anyway, in case you were born a child of neglect and spent your formative years handcuffed at the ankle to a soiled mattress and rusty bed frame in your foster parents' basement, Jimmy Buffett is one of those polarizing artists that folks tend to either adore or despise. While I can see the criticism he often receives, namely that his music is gimmicky ('cause everything he made after he transitioned from his country roots in the '70s and leaned hard into his island phase is definitely gimmicky), I personally love it. Jimmy made a fortune mashing together his country roots with tropical escapism and calypso, creating a brand new genre that is tailor-made for boats, beaches, palm trees, and - arguably most of all - drinking. 

I'm not going to waste time reviewing Jimmy Buffet the artist, because most of us (except for those of us who spent most of our time trapped in a foster home basement, obviously) already know this guy's work inside and out. Instead, I want to focus on how this Holiday album differs from his other Holiday album that we reviewed on this blog eight years ago. 'Tis the Season was a much more polished affair that saw a decades-older Jimmy Buffet (2016), far past the point where he performed for the sheer joy of it, and certainly no longer needing the money, more or less phoning it in. It was a clean, overly-produced set of songs performed (I assume) by hired studio musicians without any heart going into it whatsoever, and I was incredibly let down upon giving it a spin for the first time.

Pretty sure I've only listened to it once or twice since reviewing it, and my opinion hasn't changed. Fight me.

On this earlier (1996) recording, Christmas Island, we have a Jimmy still in his 50s, still having fun with his Coral Reefer Band, and laying down some original tracks as well as his take of Holiday standards with the same sort of energy you would find on his famous 'greatest hits' album, Songs You Know By Heart. Before going forward, I should go ahead and state the obvious here: if you're one of those people who can't stand Jimmy Buffett's music, because you don't like how he's always singing about boat drinks and drifting away and the sea and all that stuff, you're probably not going to like this. And you should probably just go ahead and skip the rest of this review.

However, if you're like me and the millions of other people out there who do enjoy his music, you should know that this album is more or less in the same vein as Songs You Know By Heart. . . just with Christmas as the unifying theme. 'Cause, you know, it's a Holiday album. Try and keep up, guys.

Jimmy's original songs on this album are all great songs, and that's saying something because if we've learned anything here in this ol' blog of mine over the last ten years, it's that including one's original Christmas songs on a Holiday album is rarely a good thing. I've heard more comically bad Christmas originals that most, and rarely have I been impressed by them. Considering there's nearly a hundred of free, public domain Holiday music out there to choose from - dating back hundreds of years to Christian carols penned to traditional medieval tunes - it's not a risk a lot of artists choose to take (and rightfully so.) Still, just as many artists fall victim to hubris and believe that they alone are capable of adding their holiday originals to the Christmas Canon. 

And, well, they usually fall flat on their ass in the process.

The stand-out track on this album, in my opinion, is Jimmy's own, "Ho Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rhum," (a sly play on words from the traditional pirate "Yo Ho Ho") an original that sounds like it could have been included on Songs You Know By Heart. It features his natural story-telling lyricism, the arrangement is flawless, and you can hear just how much f***ing fun him and his band are having recording it. This is what makes Jimmy Buffet an amazing artist for me: every upbeat song of his is a party, and everyone's invited. And in this song's case, Santa is first on the guest list.

The lyric of "dance with a sword/dance with a sword in the sand" conjures up hilarious imagery of Santa Clause channeling his inner-pirate, and that might be the single best line on the entire album.

Originals aside, Jimmy and the Coral Reefers do a sound job on the seven or eight traditional numbers on this album. In order to pull off a successful recording or performance of a cover, you can either a.) perform it so well that it doesn't distract from the original, or b.) put a little spin on it and make the song your own. They go back and forth with this, with some songs - like Chuck Berry's "Run Run Rudolph" or Bing Crosby's "Mele Kalikimaka" - are straight-forward covers that are performed close to the originals. You can tell who's performing them, sure, but Jimmy opts to avoid using a lot of his island muscle in the instrumentation. They had the marimba and steel drums wheeled into storage for these recordings.

This is a safe play, sure, but I definitely still prefer the originals in both cases (it's hard to top Chuck Berry, folks.) Other covers get more of the Key West bar band approach, as if you were stumbling into Sloppy Joe's (my favorite Key West Bar - highly recommend going if you ever get the chance, Hemmingway drank there), and saw an island-themed cover band performing Christmas songs on the rum-soaked stage. The steel drums and marimba are wheeled back out, there's a few ukuleles on hand, plenty of harmonica (obviously), and a slew of background vocalists and percussionists fighting for a spot to stand on the crowded stage.  "Jingle Bells" and "Up on the Housetop" are both rollicking numbers that play to Jimmy's strengths, namely that he's a fun artist that makes fun music.

It should come as no surprise that there aren't any religious carols to be found anywhere on this album (thank God, that'd be jarring as hell.)

That's not to say that this album is one, giant party-monster, though - his country roots are on full display here, too. Jimmy's no stranger to slowing down songs and relying on his guitar and knack for world-weary story-telling to deliver a solid song. "I'll Be Home for Christmas" and "Merry Christmas, Alabama (Never Far From Home)" are more akin to "Son of a Sailor" or "He Went to Paris" than "Fins" or "Cheeseburger in Paradise." This duality to his songwriting is what makes him such a prolific artist, and on this Holiday album we see more of the old Jimmy Buffet that we grew up with in the '80s than the multi-millionaire Jimmy that ended up endorsing presidential candidates and opening up restaurant chains throughout Florida later in life.

If I have any issues with this album, it's that it plays to its audience too much - always playing it safe with its arrangements and instrumentation. "Let's record "We Wish You a Merry Christmas," but we'll add lots of slide guitar and steel drums and include lyrics about rum and getting sunburned." While this approach appeals to just about any Parrothead or casual Buffett fan out there, it isn't going to win over any new fans, especially from those who already have a dislike for his existing catalog. As such I'm going to have to knock them a point for not branching out a bit and trying new things, as well as an additional point for being, well, too damn short (only eleven songs on this track list, and I could have used twenty.)

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome  (Jimmy Buffet records a Christmas album, and it sounds exactly like Jimmy Buffet recording a Christmas album.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Cannonball's Run

'Sup, Internet.

So, as previously mentioned, the Cannonball was invited along this year on a Caribbean Cruise for Spring Break.  Her friend, Lexi, evidently has super rich grandparents, who always take her aunt, cousin, and older sister on a cruise from their house in southern Florida to Cozumel, Mexico (seriously.)  In previous years, Lexi has always played the role of younger, fifth wheel to her older sister and cousin (who are the same age, a few years older than her), so this year her grandparents offered to let her bring a friend along this year in order to smooth things along.

Free of charge.

So, while the cruise itself was free, Kris and I did have to spring on an international passport for her (as well as some souvenir money and some food/gas money to contribute on the drives down to Florida and back - food on the cruise was all free) as well as some spending money.  Still, it was fairly inexpensive and definitely an opportunity we didn't want Alayna missing out on.

Sure beats the hell out of sitting around on the couch with the dogs back in Midland. Like I did.

Alayna takes a pic of scenic. . . ugh. . . Ohio. . .

Anyway, I'm sharing some of the pics and video Alayna took on her trip - there were more, but they were, you know, pretty shitty.  I had multiple talks with her about the importance of taking a lot of pictures of her surroundings, since this was a rare opportunity for someone her age.

What I got was, like, a shit-load of pictures of her friend making weird faces.  You know, teenage girl crap.

So here you go, folks - the Cannonball's epic Spring Break Cruise down to Mexico. . .

Stopping for dinner on the first day of the trip, as their van-full of estrogen was making it's way South down I-75.  They pulled off somewhere in Ohio (gross) for some Cracker Barrel (I think - judging by the look of things.)

Alayna texted me this pic and asked what this was.  You know, because I'm a History Teacher and therefore am a walking encyclopedia on all things 'ole timey' (I didn't know what the f*** this was.)

Her meal was photo-worthy, apparently.

I hope you like the SnapChat 'ghost' selfie filter on this pic - you're gonna see a LOT of them in this post. . . 

I guess later on the drive down, late into the first evening of their trip, they got lost at a detour, somewhere in Kentucky or Tennessee. . .

The next afternoon, arriving in Florida.

Alayna texted us this pic, as she thought Yours Truly would appreciate it (I do appreciate pirate stuff, not gonna lie.)

They stopped somewhere along the Eastern coast of Florida, off of I-95.

Bored teenager selfie.

It'd been about nine months or so since she's seen one of these bad boys. . .

Back on the road. . .

Making another pit-stop for gas and Dunkin Donuts.

(She probably took these for her mom, who absolutely loves - and misses - her Dunkin.)

Some time later, they stopped again and went inside some store filled with tons of African artwork.

I'm sure the store clerks loved, two teenage girls playing on this thing. . .

Alayna sent us this knowing that Kris and I would appreciate it, as we have tons of African art lying around our house.

I would have dropped a ton of money in this store, for sure.

Of course she took a picture of this. . .

Back in the car, continuing their journey South. . .

Another palm tree.

Sick of this SnapChat filter yet?

They stopped here for dinner, somewhere not too far north of their final destination.

Hokey tourist shit rules.

The Cannonball will devour some chili cheese fries. . .

. . . and also chicken strips.  Seriously, this is more food than I typically eat in a sitting.  By like a lot.

They reached the grandparents' house in Southern Florida later that evening and crashed for the night.  The next day, Alayna took a pic of Lexi making them some breakfast.

They ate out at some local, open-air, pavilion-ish-looking restaurant for lunch.

Which featured live music, I guess.

(The Cannonball took a ton of video at this place.)

I'm guessing they hung out here at this place for the majority of the afternoon/evening.  The girls ducked outside a few times to take pictures of all the fish swimming around this outdoor eating area.

She likes her fish.

Back inside to take more video of some Boomers. . .

Old people love the Classics

Oh look, a new SnapChat filter. . .

There's the usual one.  Can't forget that one.

Alayna ordered herself something fancy (hopefully with no booze in it.)

I can't take this shit seriously.

That's a weird-looking fish.

That looks huge.

Outside somewhere - maybe this is by the grandparents' house somewhere.

The next morning, bright and early, they boarded the nearby cruise ship.  Alayna failed to get an outside shot of the ship itself (a Carnival cruise liner) - I can't believe she's my daughter.

She did take a lot of interior pics when they first got aboard.

Murals along the elevator shafts.

Pretty fancy as far as elevators go.

Lexi approves of the elevator ride.

Some different views from the elevator. . .

(Looks like a bar down there.)

More shots from the elevator ride down. . .

Inside some giant theater room of some kind.

They must have run all over the ship while most folks were still getting settled into their cabins - I'm not seeing a lot of other folks in these pictures.

That's probably for live music and entertainment, not movies.

Why did she feel the need to take a picture of this?

Must be some kind of reading room. . .

More gratuitous chair pics. . .

Some fancy-ass dining room area. . .

More of this f***ing filter. . .

Lexi's feet.  In case you needed a picture of that.

A bizarrely filter-less selfie from the girls.

I don't know what these are, but they're terrifying.

Here's Lexi as an unemployed art major. . . I guess.

Riding the elevator again. . .

As the ship began its voyage south, out of the harbor, Lexi and Alayna went back to their cabin and out onto their private 'patio' (for lack of better term) to document the progress.

Small, but definitely scenic.

Close quarters, for sure (that's Alayna's crap on the bed at right.)

Oh, look - a glass of water.

She took this to show Kris and I what the exterior of the ship looked like.  You know, because she forgot to take a picture of that earlier when she had the chance.

Gorgeous weather, by the look of things.

Leaving Miami (or Ft. Lauderdale, not sure which one.)

Another selfie. . .

Heading inside for some food. . .

Alayna's weird.

Passing Miami (maybe that city skyline pic earlier was Miami. . .)

Kind of a cool pic Alayna got here.  Not sure how she did that.

Out on the deck, later that night.  Something about this pic terrifies me.

This filter.  Again.

At dinner, Alayna felt it necessary to take a pic of all the dead shellfish on display in the dining area.

The next morning.  She hadn't really bought too many souvenirs up to this point, but she splurged on a few things in the cruise ship stores.  Like this color-changing ring she found.

Later that morning, the cruise stopped off at Key West for a day excursion. . .

It'd been almost twenty years to the day since Yours Truly had last been on Duval Street with the legendary Sausage Pad. . .

My liver hurts just seeing that name again.

After walking around a bit, the group decided to get some lunch at Sloppy Joe's - a famous, local restaurant that was a favorite of Ernest Hemingway.

When she told me where she was, I pulled up the restaurant's website and discovered that you could log in to their online, live-feed security cameras.  Here's some live music on the stage. . .

And, as the camera panned around, you can see Alayna and her party, eating lunch by an open doorway (Alayna's at right, in the brown tank top.)

I texted her these pictures while they were still sitting there, really creeping her out.

Lexi and Alayna get up to use the bathrooms.

After lunch, they had signed up for some parasailing - one of those add-on things you can purchase from the cruise line (options, amenities, whatever you wanna call 'em.)

So here's some pics Lexi's aunt texted Kris of the two girls sailing about the Caribbean. . .

Again, slightly cooler than sitting around the house and watching TV this week. . .

(I still wouldn't do this, though.)

Alayna picks out a keychain for her boyfriend.  Gay. . .

Back aboard the cruise ship, the cleaning staff left these wrapped animals made from cleanly laundered towels on the girls' beds (something they must do for all kids' rooms.)  I think it's supposed to be a squid. . .?

Both Lexi and Alayna each bought these stuffed animals that you can throw in the microwave so that you can cuddle up with something warm at night.  I, personally, prefer my heat-rock of a wife (unless it's summer, then I don't want anything to do with her.)

They had a quasi-formal dinner in the fancy dining area later that night (we were told before the trip that they would have an upscale dinner at one point, so we had to go out and buy Alayna a new dress for the trip.)  This pic was from Lexi's aunt again - Alayna neglected to take any pics of what the food was like or anything. 

No idea.

The next day I checked Life360 for a status update.  Approaching Mexico. . .

Preparing for the day's excursion towards Cozumel.

I could easily hang out here, folks.

Obligatory Mexico selfie.

Gay furniture.

Yet another palm tree.

At some point the girls ducked into a tacky tourist shop to check out magnets and. . . skulls (I guess.)

Reminds me of the Taco Bell dog from the '90s.

Checking up on the Cannonball.  Still on the beach.

Alayna barely took any pics while she was in Mexico - she took more pictures of the inside of the Goddamn magnet store than she did of the scenic coastline, beautiful beaches, the frickin' ocean, etc.  But hey, here's a couple pictures of a raccoon for ya.  You know, because we don't get those things back in Michigan or anything. . .

Trash Panda.

She texted me this pic of a dinosaur and wanted me to tell he what it was, so I had to go into an explanation of what an iguana was. . .

Time for another mini-exursion/cruise option thing.  This time a speedboat (which, sadly, she didn't get any pics of.)

Later that evening, preparing to board the cruise ship (these two folksy ladies must have been performing for the tourists in line or something.)

Departing Mexico after a day in Cozumel.

(This pic gives me anxiety.)

The next day, enjoying some ice cream aboard the ship.

The girls were pretty tired on the return voyage, so they spent a lot of time in their cabin on their phones (I guess the public areas were pretty packed aboard the ship. . . unless you wanted to pay for an add-on feature, which no one felt like doing.)  Instead, they shopped in some of the stores instead, and Alayna picked out this very adult-like handbag/purse/whatever.

These were hanging alongside some Advil in one of the medicine kiosks, so of course my 14-year-old found that hilarious.

This towel shape was left my Alayna's bed one day after housekeeping had tidied up their cabin.  Not sure what it's supposed to be, but the Cannonball toook a pic of it.

Lexi, snug in bed.

And so ends all the pics we got from Alayna this last week.  We have a lot of work to do with her as far as learning how to properly document a vacation, but she did better than a lot of kids her age probably would.  Definitely has the Hough sense of humor, I'll giver her that.

- Brian