The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XLV

Happy frickin' Sunday, America.

Time to cozy up next to the ol' fire and serve up another festive slice of Holiday Jammage. . .

Album Title:  Happy Holidays, Vol. 20 (True Value Hardware Stores)

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Ah, the good ol' days.  Back when you could survive comfortably on a single income, smoke anywhere you wanted to, fill up your station wagon for $3.25, and walk out of your local hardware store with your very own complimentary, Holiday LP.

(Thanks for nothing, 21st Century.)

I mean seriously:  how was that allowed to go out of style?  I get pissed off enough thinking about how f***ing awesome guys back in the '40s and '50s used to dress (suits, fedoras, maybe a walking stick to boot). . . then Kennedy had to come along and make not wearing awesome hats a thing.  But knowing that folks used to be able to go into a store and walk out with a complimentary record, as well?  That's straight-up maddening.  I was clearly born in the wrong decade.

Honestly, if I had strolled into a True Value back in the '60s or '70s, most likely looking for some kind of a replacement part to something my kids broke, and received a copy of this particular album from some pimply-ass teenage clerk, I'd probably hold on to it.  Then, after a listen or two, I'd give it to my grandparents.

Granted, you've got some great tracks on this one.  It's hard to find fault with Elvis' "Blue Christmas" (don't you ever speak ill of the King in my presence, America - consider that a warning) or Bing's "Little Drummer Boy."  There's a handful of mediocre jams as well - stuff you'd likely find on any one of the billion or so Great Songs of Christmas compilations - but, in all honesty, all that stuff begins to sound the same after a couple minutes.  Long story short, there's not nearly enough listenable music on this album to keep it in even remotely close to my turntable in the future.

Kate Smith has a ridiculously long 'medley' on Side A.  If that name doesn't ring a bell for you, consider yourself lucky - you've avoided Ear Cancer.  She holds the distinction of being one of the only recipients of a '1' -rated Holiday album in this here Record Odyssey of mine.  She's beyond rational thought in terms of horribleness - how this old lady was able to waddle into a recording studio and record multiple albums back in the day is beyond me.  It baffles the mind.

Vying for title of Shittiest Holiday Recording Artist of this year's Odyssey is none other than Roger Whitaker - who looks less like a singer and more like the elderly, clammy-handed Trump-supporter you'd likely find behind a mom-and-pop antique store in rural Indiana.  He knows how to wear a sweater vest, sure, and can probably tell you a great deal about collectible spoons and all the great Airstream rallies he's taken his Yorkie to throughout the continental United States in the last three years.  

I could go on and on with this one, but it's honestly not worth it at this point.  This album is garbage, and I don't feel like wasting any more time on it.

I need a drink.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (It gets two bonus points for Elvis' and Bing's tracks, but otherwise everything on this album is a steaming pile of Kate Smith.)

- SHELVED -

Memorial Day - Pseudo Holiday

I don't do crap on holidays unless there's a storage bin for it somewhere in the garage. That's my rule.

Easter? Aye, we've got a bin full of plastic eggs, fake grass, and a half-dozen Easter baskets that Jesus left for us (don't ask me why we have so many baskets - I don't know).

Halloween? Doi - we looove dress up in this house, and have three bins full of costumes and house decorations to scare off bored teenagers who think going door-to-door for candy in their street clothes is 'hilarious.'

St. Patrick's Day? It may have only a bag of decorations in the garage, but that's because the majority of our St. Pat's decorations are in the bar-ware cupboard. They've been upgraded to all-year status.

Christmas? Yeah, totally. We have, like, seven bins of decorations, outdoor lighting, and a 8 ft pre-lit tree in a big ol' box out there. That's a definite. We're like the frickin' Griswolds.

So how about Memorial Day? Anything?

Nope. Same goes for Valentine's Day, Columbus Day, Martin Luther King Day, and Secretary's Day. If there's no bin, there's no hurrah. Sorry, folks.


Besides having Monday off of work, we didn't do squat. I mean, I drank some beer and grilled out, but the only other folks around were my roommates, and two of them can't even pronounce the word 'memorial.' I did, of course, acknowledge the service of my grandfathers, and did watch a war movie or two (in all seriousness, personal acknowledgment of veterans is a huge deal). But, due to the overall boringness and uneventfulness of the day, I'll just skip ahead and post some more videos and bid you adieu.

Slainte,

- Brian

Merry Christmas from the Houghs, Vol. V

Dearest friends, family members, and random people who come across this blog from the far corners of cyber space,

We, the Houghs, wish you all the merriest of Christmases (unless, of course, you don't celebrate Christmas, in which case we'd wish you 'Happy Holidays' in order to remain PC). Here is this year's installment in the ongoing Hough family Christmas card saga.

Enjoy.

Too Yule for School,

- The Houghs