Hi gang.
So, it occurred to me, as we prepare to kick off the Holiday Season, that Yours Truly hasn't shared with you before one of my all-time, favorite Holiday traditions. . .
The systematic audio-scrutinization of every, last one of my Christmas Records.
Every year, during the week of Thanksgiving, I pull out all of my Holiday records from their designated spot on my record shelving, and place them in random order right next to my turntable. For the next five or six weeks, they are the only records I allow to grace my turntable - all of my other records have to sit in a Yuletide Time-Out until January 2nd. I play every, last Christmas album I own - regardless of how God-awful horrible it is - appreciating the awesome (or terrible) music, LP artwork, and - more often than not - the inspirational Christmas message scrawled across the back of the record cover.
Then, if the record proves itself worthy, it remains next to the turntable to be played later on in the season (usually multiple times.) If not, back on the shelf it goes, lucky to have been played at all.
Now, just so you know, most of my Christmas albums were either a.) inherited from grandparents, b.) picked up at thrift stores for 99 cents, or, most commonly, c.) crammed in amongst one of my many garage-sale hauls. See, down in Florida, I would frequently score stacks of vinyl records in Hunter's Creek community garage sales. Generally something like $10 for about fifty or sixty records or so. Lots of John Denver, lots of Winger, lots of Charley Pride, lots of Johnny Mathis. After chucking the scratched records, the records I didn't want, and the doubles I already owned, I'd have a solid twenty or so records to augment my ever-expanding record collection.
Usually, I'd keep the Christmas stuff (so long as it wasn't scratched to shit), because - no matter how terrible it might be - the songs are familiar, and each LP gives the daily Holiday listening session a unique (and often hilariously bad) music experience.
Now, I always kick off this particular tradition of mine during the Thanksgiving week, as back when I was a teacher in Florida I had a full-week off of work, and that was technically our start to the Holiday Season. With that in mind, today - Sunday, November 22nd - marks the beginning of this year's Great Christmas Record Odyssey.
Let's do this. . .
Album Title: Merry Christmas
Album Artist: Johnny Mathis
Just so you know, like many of my other Holiday records, I did not walk into a record store and pick this up on purpose. Definitely not. Most of the songs here are standard-issue fare, belted out (likely) in a pill-induced, mellow croon guaranteed to put you to sleep. Some may disagree with me, but to me this is music my grandparents likely made out to back in the '50s. While wearing turtlenecks and drinking egg nog at 3pm on a Tuesday. In fact, they probably fell asleep making out to this album, which is. . . well, weird.
Now let's take a closer look at this album cover:
Clearly, Mr. Mathis has just been skiing. No big deal, right? Well, he's sitting in the snow in frickin' slacks. . . which, to me, implies that he just fell on his ass. Why else would you willingly sit down in the snow in your church pants? And why the hell would you be smiling about it? I was on the ski team in high school, and I never smiled after falling - it hurt like hell.
In addition, I don't see goggles or a hat, either, which, to me, means one of two things: 1.) he's just so damn good at skiing that he doesn't need them (which makes me wonder why he's wasting his time recording Christmas albums that put grandparents to sleep), or 2.) he's so doped up on those sleepy music-inducing pills that he forget the bulk of his ski-ware at home. Supporting this second point is the fact that, if you look closely, you'll see that he's propping himself up by his left arm. . . with his BARE HAND buried in the snow. Probably 'cause he can't feel his extremities.
The moral of the story, kids?
Don't do drugs.
VERDICT: 5/10 - Meh (points for ridiculously hilarious album artwork)
- SHELVED -
- Brian
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