Tech (retard)Ed

As you may recall, I've been recently given the job of teaching students 'technology.'

If that sounds vague, that's because it is.  Mucho.

Technically, I'm now teaching something called 'Fundamentals of Design: AV and Print'. . . or something like that.  I've renamed it 'Media Productions and Design,' as we're primarily shooting the Student Announcements and showing students how to plan, film, and edit their own videos.  Since this is the first year this course has been offered at my school, it's fallen onto my shoulders to create the curriculum for the class. . . which, as you can imagine, has been unsettling at times.

One of the requirements for the course was for Yours Truly to become certified in Technology Education for grades 6 - 12.  Currently, I'm certified to teach Middle Grades Social Sciences (Grades 5 - 9) and Middle Grades Integrated Curriculum (Grades 5 - 9). . . the latter more or less meaning I can also teach Language Arts, Reading, Science, and - seriously - Math.  Now, back when I had to take the tests for the two aforementioned certification exams, they cost about $75 a pop.  Pretty ridiculous, right?  I mean, it's not like the State of Florida's Department of Education were going to refund my money if I hadn't passed the damn things.

Well, now those stupid tests run you about $200.  That's just for taking the test, too - it costs an additional $75 to have the certification placed on your professional teaching license.

Seriously, folks - it's a racket.

Anyway, I took my Technology Education exam this morning at one of those fancy-pants Pearson Testing Centers, which was much closer for me than driving all the way out to UCF like I'd done years ago for all those stupid tests I had to take in order to become a teacher down here.  The testing center was over by Sea World, so I got over there in about fifteen minutes.  I had anticipated it taking about a half-hour, and wanted to show up early just in case I had to fill out paperwork, but in the end I had to sit and wait in my car for about a half hour before my testing window opened.

. . . which gave me ample time to play the Simpsons Tapped Out game (or, as I like to call it, Smartphone Heroin) on my phone.

Now, they give you about two and half hours to take one of these certification tests.  I always felt this was stupid, seeing how I always finished my exams within an hour of sitting down (even for the Math segments on my Integrated Curriculum test.)

Fun Fact:  My students don't know what cassettes are. . .

Not the case this time, though.  This Technology Education test, without a doubt, was the hardest exam I've ever had the displeasure of taking.

Holy shit.

I was expecting the test to be somewhat difficult, sure - that's why I had been actively studying for it for two months.  I felt pretty comfortable with myself going into this thing, honestly.  Aside from multimedia and editing software via computers, I'm really not 'down' with technology.  Electrical engineering?  Not a big fan of it.  Biochemistry, thermodynamics, agricultural, construction?  Nope.  Drafting, genetic engineering, robotics, physics, nanotechnology, aerospace?  Never been into it.

?

Out of 245 questions on the exam, there were nine - NINE - that somewhat dealt with teaching or computers, or teaching students about computers.  The other 231 - wouldn't you know it - were from the same random categories above.  Which, as you can ascertain by my earlier witticisms, was not something I was well-prepared for.

Holy shit.

Stuff I'll never need to know in life. . .

I don't plan on ever assembling my own robot, designing a fighter jet, planting multiples fields of crops, or adding on an addition to my house with my bare frickin' hands any time soon.  Nor would I ever assume to be able to teach someone else how to do that.  I know what wires look like, I know what a hammer does, and I've watched Star Wars a time or two.  That's about the extent of my technological expertise, at least according to the State of Florida.

?

I used every, last minute of my allotted testing time.  Jumping back and forth between questions, narrowing down answer choices, skipping over questions I didn't know (all 231 of them!), and eventually guesstimating on a sound majority of 'em.  When the time was called, I was sure that I had just pissed away $200.

I didn't know what to tell my wife or my principal, who were both hoping I passed this stupid test (Kris for financial reasons, my boss for out-of-field certification reasons), so it was a heavy heart that I exited the testing room and approached the Golden Girls at the front desk for my results. . .

Then they gave me this:

BAM

How the hell I managed to pull this off, I'll never know.  It's a huge weight off my shoulders, though - for sure.

This is exactly how I felt walking out of that Godforsaken testing center. . . 

Now I get to drop $75 to add the sum'bitch onto my professional license, just so the State of Florida can sleep easy at night. . . knowing that I'm teaching my students all about irrigating soy beans, programming CAD software, building suspension bridges, and installing electrical circuits in a hydroelectric plant. . .

Holy shit.

- Brian