The Care Bear Scare

Of all the shows that our kid has become infatuated with over the last month or so, none have become so popular as those damn Care Bears.

They were like crack for little girls back in the '80s, and, sure enough, our eldest has just stumbled upon one, gigantic pile of crack.

She cannot stop watching the Care Bears. It's the first thing on her mind when she gets up, and the last before she goes to sleep.

She-Ra, He-Man, SpongeBob, Nemo, Muno, Toody, Brobee, Plex, Foofa, Lil' Chef, Daddy, Mommy, Abby, Baby Jesus, Clint and Santa Claus combined have nothing on the the Care Bears.

Of course, that's our own fault. We figured, 'Hey, we already owned the two, full-length Care Bear movies... and they can't be worse than the shit that's on TV right now anyway, right?"

Well, anything will turn to TV cancer once you watch it every day for a month. And now the Care Bears are cancer. I've watched so much of those stupid, touchy-feely bears lately that I've begun to follow these creatures and analyze their escapades.

After a month or two of 'field study,' I've compiled a list of grievances with the Care Bears (and the Care Bear Cousins):

This is what occupies my TV a good, solid chunk of the time. There are many plot holes in this picture, and if there is a God in Heaven, it better not have been received well by critics.

1. Care-a-Lot, a horrible spin on 'Camelot', is the apparent headquarters of the Care Bears. From all the footage we've been shown over the years, Care-a-Lot is evidently located high up in the clouds. From the look of things, these are Cumulus clouds (the fluffy ones). Cumulus clouds hang low in the atmosphere, right? Of course they do.

Hear me out.

During one scene in Care Bears II: A New Generation (see DVD case above), the matriarchal bear, True Heart, is shown parachuting down from Care-a-Lot on a high-priority mission... FROM OUTER SPACE!

Yes, Outer Space. The stratosphere, and all of Earth, is in her view as she leaps down.

Now, first of all, this is impossible. Her body would've been crushed by the vaccuum of space. Also, were she somehow resistant to the affects of deep space, her little, furry body must surely burst into flames and explode upon reentry into the Earth's atmosphere.

Yet it doesn't.

None of this is explained, and none of it makes any sense. She just parachutes from deep within the bowels of space, through the upper reaches of the atmosphere, and safely lands at her desired spot...

....with an infant bunny Swift Heart on her back! What the hell - you call that parenting?!


2. The majority of this film takes place at a summer camp, yet not once do any adults appear to be watching over the children. As one who works with kinds on an almost daily basis, I can assure you that this is a huge liability concern. Letting minors operate their own summer camp is highly illegal, plus costly. Kids break crap all the time - you can't trust them with anything. Trust me.

I really hope someone went to jail over such child neglect.


3. The Caring Meter, which appears to monitor 'feelings' throughout the world, is a standard feature of both the movies and the TV series. Nevermind the fact that the practice of monitoring feelings is unconstitutional, and breaks numerous Federal laws (the Caring Meter's use probably not even protected under the Patriot Act). The very fact that this Meter seems to be always breaking leads me to believe the construction work put into said meter was outsourced, further leading me to believe that other people know about this meter. This opens the door to outside factions getting their hands on it and using it against us.

God help us all if it falls into the hands of terrorists.

4. The Care Bear Stare. Even when I was a kid, something about this bothered me. You can call this whatever you want - light, feelings, love, kindness, positive energy, whatever - it still doesn't change the fact that something from the Care Bears' bodies is shooting out and hitting somebody else.

This isn't a weapon, or electric energy, or anything like that. It's coming from their stomachs, where their food is digested. Now, it can be dressed up in hearts and rainbows 'til the cows come home, but it doesn't change the fact - not even for a second - that the Care Bears are going to the bathroom on people.

...how the hell has nobody else picked up on this?!


5. Dark Heart. He's the villain. I'm pretty sure he's somehow affiliated with the Beastie Boys too (check out the track suit). He can shape shift into a wide assortment of animals, as well as a storm cloud and a dragon, but rarely uses these in his efforts of capturing the Care Bears. Instead, he relies on his ability of sweet-talking pre-pubescent girls at summer camps.

"A favor now, for a favor later..."

Dark Heart is a registered sex offender, and has no business being around summer youth camps.

....plus, he looks a hell of a lot like Peter Pan, who lured groups of young boys back to his lair and refused to let them grow up. Much like Michael Jackson, who is, with any luck, burning in Hell.

6. In Care Bears the Movie (the first one), the Care Bears meet - by accident - the Care Bear Cousins. The Cousins are much like Care Bears, only they're not just bears - there's a lion, an elephant, a monkey, a dog, a cat, a raccoon, a rabbit, etc. But they don't have symbols on their chests like the 'Bears do - they earn those at the end of the movie.

Nothing ridiculous there.

But wait.

Care Bears II: A New Generation, the second Care Bears movie, serves as a prequel to both the original movie and the TV series. In it, the Care Bears are shown as babies alongside the Care Bear Cousins. In addition to this, they all have their chest symbols intact from the very beginning (see picture). Furthermore, it shows both the Care Bears and the Care Bear Cousins growing up in Care-a-Lot and assuming control over the cloudish domain.

...so how the hell are we supposed to believe that they only met each other for the first time years later, when the first movie takes place?! It makes NO sense. NONE! This is a huge, gaping plot hole, and I seriously hope someone lost their job over this oversight.

If I had to wager a guess - and I do fancy myself a gambling man - I'd assume that there was a falling out of some kind between the 'Bears and the 'Cousins. Perhaps some sort of a Care Civil War, or something. Cloud cars were employed. The Care Bear Stare was implemented to horrific fruition. The aftereffect of which - witnessing such carnage firsthand - drove the surviving 'Cousins from Care-a-Lot and into exile in the Forest of Feeling (where they're found in the first movie).

Of course, this wouldn't explain why their chest emblems were suddenly missing, nor the 'Cousins not recognizing the Care Bears when they first meet them...

...SCREW IT. I give up.

- Brian