Original Gangster (for Kids)

let's try something:

name a children's musician who isn't featured prominently on television. any children's musician, i don't care.

go ahead, think about it. i'll wait.

...

did you answer 'raffi'? you did? good for you! that makes a lot of sense.

now... if you answered someone else other than the raffster, then, alas, you're probably in need of some serious culturing.

raffi. this guy's custom-tailored kiddie jams are the equivelent of ford introducing the Model T: sure, there were other cars out there in 1912, but ford invented the frickin' assembly line, and therefore everybody wanted the model T. they were better made, cheaper, and snazzier (technical term, folks). a similar conclusion can be drawn up for raffi's music compared with that of his competitors: sure, other folks have sung wacky, silly songs for kids, but no one's come close to matching the dude's prowess, creativity, and jammification level.

...and, if they did, then they were straight-up copying raffi. (as a jam-master in a somewhat legendary music affiliation (McGillicutty, 2003), i get the same treatment from haters and the like).

if you have kids, and don't have any of raffi's music, do yourself a favor and go buy some. right now.

furthermore, if you're a teenager and in a crappy, little punk rock band, you can take any one of these songs, amplify them, speed them up a smidge, and - voila! - you have yourself a ready-to-go, punk rock gem.

(you can essentially do the same thing with dr. seuss books, too... but that's a whole other can o' worms.)

i know it seems ridiculous to get this forcible about a children's musician, but lately i've been watching a lot of raffi on an old VHS tape we own. not me so much as my daughter, actually - this kid has become enamored with this G-rated, culinarily-obsessed, canadian thunderforce. randomly, one day, while kris was cleaning the house and i was typing up yet another crap-tastic paper for school, the aforementioned, well-worn tape was dusted off and popped into the VCR. within a matter of seconds, the walking disaster bomb that is our daughter stopped seeking out destruction of all things valuable around our house and, miraculously, was sitting down in her chair in front of the TV... dancing and clapping along to this obscure, musical reference.

she's fifteen months old. this has never happened before.

now, we've tried getting her into all kinds of crap since the day she was born - muppets, baby einsteins, you name it - but so far she's been resilient to the onslaughts of children's programming... until now. she's always had an affection for music, and i attribute this to the fact that her old man is a licensed JamMaster (McGillicutty, 2003). i don't know for sure if its the song-singin', the throwback '80s footage of audience members and their outdated tastes in fashion, or, simply, the star attraction's imam-ish beard.

whatever it is, though, one thing's for certain: this kid is hooked on raffi. and not that that's bad either, folks - kris and i were both raised on the guy's music, as i'm sure a ton of you folks out there were as well. having a little kid captivated by the guy who wrote bananaphone is, in my opinion, way better than having a kid take interest in a certain, fuzzy red character - who's name i will purposely not mention - who is only famous because it stole grover's career out from under him.

...and so now, as we speak, kris and i are desperately searching out other raffi DVDs. in all honesty, if i have to listen to this 30 minute concert tape of his one more, Goddamn time - brush your teeth, the more we get together, down by the bay, wheels on the bus, baby beluga, repeat repeat repeat repeat - i'm going to drive a screwdriver into my ear.

word to your moms,

- brian

McGillicutty, Officer (2003). Badtastical jammologists in adventure music: a study of official jammasters in correlation with total jam-sweetness in the adventure genre. Kalamazoo, MI: Jambox Publishing.