The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CXLVII

Two days left, America - think we got time for one more Holiday album review for this season. . . 

Album Title:  Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Album Artist:  The Caroleers

Ah, another children's album. This one caught my eye 'cause the damn thing was still sealed in shrink when I picked it up (which happens from time to time - apparently the $2.98 hype sticker wasn't enough to sell it back in the day.)

The Caroleers have appeared on a couple different albums that I've reviewed in the past, and from what I can gather they were some kinda vocalist group that was created by a studio for the sole purpose of recording in-house records. They're usually garbage, but they seem more at home on a kids' album, for sure. This album plays out like a variety show, it's by no means a straight up collection of children's songs. There's like little skits and spoken word scattered throughout the album, which, for a normal listen, would be jarring as all hell, but we have to remember that this is a children's album and, uh. . . . I guess little kids like that sorta thing? Who knows, kids are dumb.

The song selection on this album is super weird, though. Most of these songs are not familiar ones at all - aside from 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town,' these are all originals. It's like some studio executive balked at the suggestion that they just record an album of the Big Kids' Songs ('Up on the Rooftop,' 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,' etc.) and said, "F*** that, fellas - I got this. Hold my beer." Then proceeded to hire in-house songwriters to craft their own, brand new children's Christmas songs. 

You know, like a crazy person would do.

This, as you know, is a cardinal sin - probably the most egregious of sins one can make on a Christmas album, and one that I've only seen circumvented on a handful of occasions with decent, original Christmas songs. But let's put that on the back-burner for the time being and play devil's advocate for a second: maybe this album's sound is strong enough to defend it's bizarre track list?

Well, readers, this album sounds like it was produced by Hanna Barbara or something back in the day, the music is straight-up 1960s Children's TV music - not the '40s orchestral insanity of, say, the Loony Tunes or whatever, but that cashing-in-on-the-swing-of-the-60s thing. It's soooo campy that you can imagine if this thing was the soundtrack to an animated special, the characters would all have bobs and go-go dresses. Aside from cartoons, you also heard similar background music in family programming like The Brady Bunch or Partridge Family - that vanilla, safe-for-all-audiences, period-accurate backing music. The production itself isn't half-bad, this sounds like it was recorded with some semblance of a budget, so the idea that they had the opportunity to record classics that kids would easily recognize (and reside in the public domain) is mind-boggling.

I mean, there's a song on here called '10,000 Santa Clauses' on this frickin' album. Not just the one. Not two or three. Ten thousand of 'em. You can't make this shit up.

Again, these songs are kids' songs, so they're all upbeat and jovial, and the singing is far too animated and expressive for adult listening. Every syllable isn't just sung, it's acted: you see this a lot in life-action children's television, like when people sing on Sesame Street or Barney or whatever. With all the ridiculous facial expressions and over-exaggerating of body movement. Pair that with previously discussed campy, 60s music, and you have an album that plays out like a fever dream that one can only escape from with a bullet to the skull.

So fine, I get it, I'm not the target audience for an album like this, but still - I've ranked some stellar, children's Holiday albums in the past (the soundtrack to classics like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, offerings from heavyweights like The Muppets, Disney's main characters, etc.), so it's not like I'm going to just torpedo this post's installment merely because it's not 'my cup of tea.' Give me some credit here, folks. No, this album isn't bad because it's a children's album, it's bad because it suffers from a crappy track selection and poor execution in the delivery.

'Who's That Up on the Roof,' for example, sounds like a child contemplating snatching his dad's shotgun from the garage when he hears some stranger walking around on his roof. There's a level of indignation in this singer's voice that makes one's skin crawl,  even more so 'cause it's a little-ass kid singing. Why is this kid so pissed there's a dude up on his roof? You'd think with it being Christmas Eve and everything this kid would put two-and-two together and realize it's Santa Claus before he murders him (via Stand Your Ground laws.)

This album would have been a solid '5' or even '6' if they had chosen more familiar songs, because the production isn't god-awful (The Caroleers, who I've reviewed before, seem to find their footing within the context of overly-animated, children's music.) The backing music is pretty campy, sure, but this was recorded in the 60s and, well, that's just what was popular back then. I can even excuse the spoken word bits and skits because, as we've said multiple times before, this is a children's album and they wanted to weave some storytelling in there. That's all fine and good. I guess.

What's not fine and good is the hubris of the producers who decided to forego all decency and insist on penning some of the most cringe-inducing, lyrically asinine Christmas songs I've heard all season.  We as adults have a right to protect children in this society, and this album is the sort of thing that warrants a phone call to CPS.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously?  (Not the worst children's Holiday album I've heard - by a long shot - but I just can't wrap my head around the decision to include soooo many original songs on a children's album. Kids like singing along to songs they know by heart, WHY wouldn't they include some familiar hits on this album?)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XLIV

Welcome back to the Odyssey, America.  Our Yuletide jam session continues. . .

Album Title:  'Twas the Night Before Christmas

Album Artist:  The Caroleers

 

The name 'Caroleers' invokes imagery of some serious Holiday swashbuckling, doesn't it?  Some upbeat, swinging carol-slinging.  Perhaps some sword play or damsel-saving to boot.  Sadly, these motherf***ers right here are about as far from all of that Holiday fun as humanly possible.  

Remember the Caroleers?  They graced our presence before, folks, and the results were not good to say the least.

Honestly, the Caroleers don't deserve a band name at all.  Band names are for people who can create music.  This doesn't sound like these people created anything - it sounds like as if they walked into a large hall, approached some already set-up microphones, and started singing.  I mean, I'm sure some of these guys have previous choir experience, I guess, but the way they sing together sounds like a bunch of random people singing into a set of microphones.

And, dear readers, if you just sound like a bunch of random people singing into a set of microphones, than you are a choir, and you get named after the church in which you sing (Saint Michael's Lutheran Choir, the First United Methodist Choir, etc.)  Sorry, Caroleers - you're not nearly as cool as you think you are.

"Check out Santa's ass!"

That being said, this album is a total snooze-fest.  The arrangements are beyond boring.  It's like listening to glue dry.   I picked this album up because the cover art made it sound like it'd be some hokey children's album (I overlooked the name 'Caroleers' when I bought it, or else I probably wouldn't have picked it up at all.)  The only reference to the cover art to be found is the Side A Track 1 title track, which is lifted from the famous poem of the same name - ridiculously abridged into a thirty-second or so 'song' clip.  It stands out considerably from the rest of the album's overall church-y vibe, but is equally just as terrible.

This is an audible wasteland of dusty church organs, bells, grandma's living room keyboard, and a track listing that sounds like it was taken from the Early Bird church service (you know, the one no one goes to because it's boring and filled with elderly people who are about to die.)  I mean, how do you make 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas' sound like a boring-ass church service?  That's a Holiday anthem, for Christ's sake - what the hell, Caroleers?

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV (This album needs to be completely erased from existence.  I might make it my life's work to hunt down and destroy every, last copy of this album.  You know, to save Christmas.)

- SHELVED -

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XXXV

Hi, Internet.  Let us dust off another Holiday train wreck, shall we?

Album Title:  Favorite Christmas Carols

Album Artist:  The Caroleers

This was a Radio Wasteland score that I picked up for a buck about a month ago, for the sole reason that it looked like it had potential for being comically terrible.  I definitely have some issues with this LP and its ridiculousness, but I think this is the first time I've been let down by a record not sucking more.  I was hoping for a shit sandwich, and instead I got soggy cereal.

Stare into the Face of Evil, America. . .

The artwork on this album definitely says it all:  there's no liner notes on the back, no legal information, no 'From Our Home to Yours,' campy well-wishing message that one so often finds on the back of 1960's Christmas records.  Nothing.  Just the same image that's plastered haphazardly across the front:  some wicker/glitter/dollar store monstrosity that some half-blind grandmother threw together for her church's Bazaar.  I think it's supposed to be a sleigh, actually. . . but I highly doubt this is the work of some skilled craftsman.

And why would the people who produced this album choose that image as the cover art in the first place?  Who the hell made this call?

You know what?  Nevermind, I know who it was.  It was the same creative director who designed the cover art for this shiny turd.

Anyway, drunken art direction aside, the music on this LP is pretty bizarre, but not outright terrible.  The first song, 'Hail Christmas' sounds like something from Christmas with Hitler (okay, I just made that up, but I'm sure even that asshole celebrated Christmas.)  German march-singing, beer hall accordions, and the repeated shouting of the word 'hail' - it doesn't take an overactive imagination to picture tens of thousands of Nazis in Santa hats shouting this song while saluting the Fuhrer.

The beer hall accordion plays pretty prominently throughout this album, too.  So does the church choir singing every written verse on each of these carols.  You know how popular recordings of Christmas Carols feature the two or three famous verses in the song, and if you go to church they sometimes spring an additional two verses on you that you didn't know existed before?  And you're all like, "Jesus, this song seems long - has it always been this long?  I don't remember this verse in 'Away in a Manger. . ."

That's exactly what we have here.  On every song.

And we even have a few moments of pure, Tennessee Ernie Ford-inspired terror on this LP, too.  Half way through 'Go Tell It on the Mountain,' the '60s kitschy folk-singing suddenly stops, and a deep, demonic baritone voice begins chanting ominously.  One can only expect this is the It on the Mountain - some horrible beast that lives on top of the Mountain that everyone is going and trying to tell things.  The whole thing makes for a real weird Christmas song, but hey - I'm assuming the It is more like the Abominable Snowman from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, and you just gotta give homeboy a chance.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyl  (Germanic drinking music, scary baritone voices, and a never-ending hoo-hah of '60s folk singing unabridged versions of Holiday carols. . . all wrapped up in what could be considered the most depressing arts-and-crafts piece ever created.)

- SHELVED -