The Sausage Pad Rides Again..

I'm pretty good at packing for adventure.

Hi folks.

Well, nobody really saw it coming, but Hell apparently froze over and the one and only Zack Smith - co-founder of the Sausage Pad and fellow Alpha Team combatant - is finally getting hitched.

To a girl, even.  Who'd a thunk it.

Anyway, Zack was good enough to give me a few months notice at least. . . which gave me a nice, thin window of time in order to purchase planet tickets, a hotel room, a tuxedo, etc. etc.  Lots of fun.  Being the complete idiot that I am, I booked my flight with Spirit Airlines, which I had never flown with before, and - having experienced their terrible customer service, midget seating on the plane, and fascist bag policy - will NEVER fly with again.

 Those assholes are to airlines what Episode I is to Star Wars.  Seriously.

Anyway, I took Friday off of work (hooray), as my flight was at 10am that morning in order to be at the wedding rehearsal in the late afternoon.

Unfortunately, Kris and the girls were forced to drop me off at the airport on their way to work, which put me there around 6:45am.  I was forced to check a bag, as Spirit charges more for a carry-on bag than they do a checked bag (don't ask me why, I'm pretty sure their company is run by chimps), so my 'personal item' was a painless stripped-down briefcase that allowed me to breeze through security in under five minutes.

F*** you, Spirit.

Temporary command center.

While this was cool and everything, I found myself sitting down at my gate by 7:00am.

And there I would sit for the next three hours, awaiting the boarding call for my flight.  Cowabunga.

When it was time to board, as stated before, I was placed in a seat that was evidently designed for hobbits.  At 5' 9", I've never been considered 'towering,' nor have I ever been nick-named 'stretch.'  Yet there I was, with zero leg room, crammed into a chair better-suited for my daughters.  Thankfully, having woken up at the ass-crack of dawn in order to make it to the airport in time (ha), I was pretty exhausted, so I was able to fall asleep for the first half of the flight.  During the last hour from Orlando to Detroit, I devoured the first couple chapters of Colin Woodard's The Republic of Pirates (if you're as big of fan of pirates as Yours Truly, do yourself a favor and check it out ASAP - it's awesome.)

Upon landing in cloudy Detroit, I promptly froze my ass off, having not been accustomed to weather in the high-40s for some time.  The Seloskes met me as I came out of the terminal, and together we drove out of the Detroit area down I-94 towards Paw Paw, MI (don't worry, we hadn't heard of it either - it's about a half-hour outside of Kalamazoo.)

My pictures, taken from a handheld Canon PowerShot (I didn't feel like lugging my SLR with me this time around) from a moving vehicle, didn't really turn out all that well.  If you're interested in seeing pictures of southern Michigan in the fall, I suggest you try Google.

While en route to Paw Paw, I took an obnoxious amount of pictures of the fall leaves changing colors (believe it or not, palm trees don't change colors, and I hadn't seen this in nearly seven years.)  While on the way west, Zack began calling us about picking up our tuxes - he wanted us to meet him in Kalamazoo in order to try them on and make sure they fit.  In all my years of wearing tuxedos in other people's weddings, I've only once tried on a tux prior to wearing it.  They're usually pretty good with sizing people, so Seloske and I convinced Zack to just pick up my tux so that we could continue on without stopping.

It'd been about seven or eight years since I last ventured into the 'Zoo. . .

Okay, I didn't take this (it was rainy when we drove through), but my picture didn't turn out well.

But, as we approached Kalamazoo - my old stomping ground from my college days at Western Michigan University - we stopped anyway.  Bell's Brewery, as you may or may not know, is located in downtown K-Zoo, and is an exceptional brewery.  I spent a lot of time there in college, and wanted to swing by the general store at the very least in order to pick up a couple big bottles and some merch.

MEIJER !!!

Scenic Paw Paw, MI.

Having purchased a couple bumper stickers, a Kala-mazoo IPA, and a Bell's snifter glass, we headed back onto I-4 for the last half-hour of the trek to Paw Paw.  Zack and Renee (the chick he's marrying) reserved a block of rooms at a Comfort Inn, and I'd be staying with Zack for Friday night, then taking over the room on Saturday night once he moved onto the bridal suite.  This kept the cost down, and freed up more funds for boozery and shopping (which I'm a big fan of.)

Comfort Inn

We settled into the rooms and hung out with folks as they began to trickle in.  Yet before we had an opportunity to catch up over drinks, we lucky few in the wedding party had to soldier through the boring-as-usual-but-somewhat-necessary wedding rehearsal.  They were getting married at the Lawton Community Center, which was an old winery with a random museum in the basement.  Not really the sort of place you would expect Zack Smith to get married in, but whatever.

Check it out:

Wedding hall

The stairwell to the right leads up to the reception hall.  Renee will come out from there during the ceremony, and afterwards that's where the bridal party makes it's entrance into the reception.  Hopefully nobody falls and breaks something - the stairs themselves are questionable.

Yokin' around in the men's room.

Underneath the previously discussed staircase, there's a whole subterranean world very similar to Total Recall. . . except instead of a Martian ghetto, it's a throwback to southern Michigan during the 1930s - 50s.

Being a fan of all things 'ol'-timey' and 'historical,' I was pretty entertained walking around and checking all this crap out.  They had the whole wing of the building divided up into themed rooms (a soda fountain, a barber shop, a school, a winery, a residence, a general store, a barn, a shop, etc.)

What was really crazy was that the whole basement was going to be open to the public during the entirety of  Zack and Renee's wedding and reception. . .  

. . . I mean, what could possibly go wrong with a bunch of drunken college buddies getting together for the first time in years, amidst a museum full of antiques?

70-year-old graffiti carved into an old school desk.  Like the graffiti on my desks at work, it's still gang-related.

The rehearsal itself was drawn out and painfully boring.  Anyone who has ever been in a wedding understands what they're supposed to do, where they're supposed to stand, and how they're supposed to walk.  It's beyond common sense, yet for reasons that escape me we were there for nearly two hours.  Doing nothing but standing around while random family members asked retarded questions that didn't need to be asked.

When our service finally drew to a close, we all headed back towards the Comfort Inn for the rehearsal dinner (Subway sandwiches and Bud Light - I'll take it.)  While we sat around catching up and pre-drinking, Zack passed out the groomsmen gifts (engraved pocket watches and black fishing caps, matching his signature hat he's worn since he was 18.)  Around this time, Smitty and Rita showed up, so once everyone was done eating all us dudes decided to bar-hop around Paw Paw for awhile.

The first place we stopped at - a random sports bar - was closing in an hour, so we all ordered a drink and then had to pack up.  They kinda bum-rushed us out of there, but at least were courteous enough to point us in the direction of another spot to check out.  Now, this new joint wasn't as 'classy' as the last place - it was definitely a dive bar - but the beer was cheap and I couldn't tell you who was buying it.  All I know is that the next morning I check the receipts in my wallet and found that I had spent a whopping $7 for the whole night.

Ya can't beat that, folks.

Seloske, Smitty, and Joe

The groom himself, Mr. Smith

Loftis, prepared to rip his sweatshirt off. . .

See the guy on the left?  He's putting it to Zack's sister.  Hooray for brothers-in-law!

We got a room with a view this time around.

Kris and the girls, via Skype after I woke up. . . oddly enough after 9am.  It's crazy how much you sleep in the minute you don't have little kids around.

This Comfort Inn had one of the best complimentary breakfasts I had seen in awhile - we took full advantage of it.

This is arguably the scariest thing I've ever seen.

Later on in the morning, once everyone had showered off the previous night and gotten some coffee in their systems, the groomsmen followed Zack back over to the Lawton Community Center, where we had to start setting up the reception area.  Basically all this entailed of was filling up plastic cups full of table mints and Hershey's kisses.  'Cause Smith's classy like that.

From the balcony overlooking the wedding area (whatever the hell you call that.)

Why not.

Wouldn't be a Sausage Pad wedding without rocking Old Reliable.

I have no idea what they're doing here.

The entrance to the Museum is down the ramp to the left, while the entrance to the reception hall is up to the stairs, at center.

The reception area.

See the wooden stairs off to the back, there?  That leads up to the bar (a.k.a. Sausage Pad Headquarters.)

Where we'll end up sitting later this evening.

This is what I flew 1200 miles across the country to do: fill plastic cups with assorted bulk candy.

The bar.  Lots of the guys are probably going to end up huddling around that TV later, as the big Michigan State, U of M game is on this afternoon/evening.  I'm not a huge sports guy, so this affects me not in the slightest. . .

I may end up playing that piano, too, by the end of the night.  Cross your fingers.

My Mobile Command Center, feat. the legendary Suckie Fish.  

We have about two hours to kill before we have to suit up and head over back to the Lawton Community Center.  I'll be attempt to document all that transpires (within good taste, of course.)

Stay tuned.

- Brian