The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XLV

Happy frickin' Sunday, America.

Time to cozy up next to the ol' fire and serve up another festive slice of Holiday Jammage. . .

Album Title:  Happy Holidays, Vol. 20 (True Value Hardware Stores)

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Ah, the good ol' days.  Back when you could survive comfortably on a single income, smoke anywhere you wanted to, fill up your station wagon for $3.25, and walk out of your local hardware store with your very own complimentary, Holiday LP.

(Thanks for nothing, 21st Century.)

I mean seriously:  how was that allowed to go out of style?  I get pissed off enough thinking about how f***ing awesome guys back in the '40s and '50s used to dress (suits, fedoras, maybe a walking stick to boot). . . then Kennedy had to come along and make not wearing awesome hats a thing.  But knowing that folks used to be able to go into a store and walk out with a complimentary record, as well?  That's straight-up maddening.  I was clearly born in the wrong decade.

Honestly, if I had strolled into a True Value back in the '60s or '70s, most likely looking for some kind of a replacement part to something my kids broke, and received a copy of this particular album from some pimply-ass teenage clerk, I'd probably hold on to it.  Then, after a listen or two, I'd give it to my grandparents.

Granted, you've got some great tracks on this one.  It's hard to find fault with Elvis' "Blue Christmas" (don't you ever speak ill of the King in my presence, America - consider that a warning) or Bing's "Little Drummer Boy."  There's a handful of mediocre jams as well - stuff you'd likely find on any one of the billion or so Great Songs of Christmas compilations - but, in all honesty, all that stuff begins to sound the same after a couple minutes.  Long story short, there's not nearly enough listenable music on this album to keep it in even remotely close to my turntable in the future.

Kate Smith has a ridiculously long 'medley' on Side A.  If that name doesn't ring a bell for you, consider yourself lucky - you've avoided Ear Cancer.  She holds the distinction of being one of the only recipients of a '1' -rated Holiday album in this here Record Odyssey of mine.  She's beyond rational thought in terms of horribleness - how this old lady was able to waddle into a recording studio and record multiple albums back in the day is beyond me.  It baffles the mind.

Vying for title of Shittiest Holiday Recording Artist of this year's Odyssey is none other than Roger Whitaker - who looks less like a singer and more like the elderly, clammy-handed Trump-supporter you'd likely find behind a mom-and-pop antique store in rural Indiana.  He knows how to wear a sweater vest, sure, and can probably tell you a great deal about collectible spoons and all the great Airstream rallies he's taken his Yorkie to throughout the continental United States in the last three years.  

I could go on and on with this one, but it's honestly not worth it at this point.  This album is garbage, and I don't feel like wasting any more time on it.

I need a drink.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (It gets two bonus points for Elvis' and Bing's tracks, but otherwise everything on this album is a steaming pile of Kate Smith.)

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