Okay, America - today I have two reviews for ya. . . and neither of them are good.
Album Title: The Family Christmas Treasury
Album Artist: The Holiday Choraliers and the Longines Symphonette (featuring the World-famed Thomas Organ)
I know what you're all thinking out there - THE Thomas Organ?! Are you kidding me?!
Seriously, folks. You'd think with such a list of contributing 'talent' on a record like this, there just might be something worth listening to. Sadly, that isn't the case, here - this collection is terrible.
This is a four-record boxed set, and every side of every record sounds about the same - elevator music. From the early '60s. You feel like you're sitting in an insurance agent's waiting room in 1963, slowly losing your mind as your eyes drift along a wall of wood paneling and western-themed oil paintings. And, because it's Christmas and everything, this f***ing record is playing really, really quietly in the background.
Can you picture Hell now, Internet?
This four-record boxed set was among the bulk collection of records I inherited from my dad's mom back in 2005, and there's a particular here worth mentioning. Among the collection my granny gave me, there were about twenty mint-condition boxed sets that she had amassed through Time-Life, Reader's Digest, and the like back in the '60s and '70s. . . and from their flawless condition, most had never even been listened to. This particular box set, however, is significantly worn - there's a lot of pops and hisses on these records, despite my attempts at cleaning them. Scuff marks, scratches, etc. Nothing serious that would make me toss the set or prohibit from gracing one of my turntables, but enough to cause audio distortion.
This, to me, clearly means that Granny played the shit out of this boxed set. She loved it. It's worn to pieces from so much love and use over the years. And that's just straight-up weird, 'cause this album, as previously stated, is 'wood paneling and western-themed oil paintings' in music form.
Which, if you knew my granny at all, explains a lot.
I know what you're all thinking out there - THE Thomas Organ?! Are you kidding me?!
Seriously, folks. You'd think with such a list of contributing 'talent' on a record like this, there just might be something worth listening to. Sadly, that isn't the case, here - this collection is terrible.
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| Another classic mash-up featuring the hot skills of those Holiday Choraliers and those gangsters in the Longines Symphonette. Dope stuff. |
Can you picture Hell now, Internet?
This four-record boxed set was among the bulk collection of records I inherited from my dad's mom back in 2005, and there's a particular here worth mentioning. Among the collection my granny gave me, there were about twenty mint-condition boxed sets that she had amassed through Time-Life, Reader's Digest, and the like back in the '60s and '70s. . . and from their flawless condition, most had never even been listened to. This particular box set, however, is significantly worn - there's a lot of pops and hisses on these records, despite my attempts at cleaning them. Scuff marks, scratches, etc. Nothing serious that would make me toss the set or prohibit from gracing one of my turntables, but enough to cause audio distortion.
This, to me, clearly means that Granny played the shit out of this boxed set. She loved it. It's worn to pieces from so much love and use over the years. And that's just straight-up weird, 'cause this album, as previously stated, is 'wood paneling and western-themed oil paintings' in music form.
Which, if you knew my granny at all, explains a lot.
VERDICT: 3/10 - Seriously? (scored a point for being one of my granny's favorites, and I do love my granny.)
- SHELVED -
Album Title: Organ and Chimes
Album Artist: Jesse Crawford
This one is barely worth reviewing. I only feel the need to mention it because I want the world to know of its sheer horribleness.
Jesse Crawford - whoever he/she is - deserves a swift kick in the nuts (or lady parts) for making this. The only people this record is suited for are those elderly people who can't hear any more, but still feel it's their Christian duty to sit in church and listen to pipe organ music they CAN'T EVEN HEAR. For that's what this is, readers - pipe organ music. Nothing more. While playing this, occasionally there would be chimes, and my dog Watson would lose his shit, thinking people were at our front door.
Doorbells ringing over an out-of-tune pipe organ. Playing Christmas tunes. That's what this record is, folks.
And, judging by its sound quality (or lack thereof), I'm assuming it was recorded in a dingy church basement in some small town in the midwest, by someone's cousin (probably named Travis) who records speeches in the town's city hall.
To add insult to injury, there's an abundance of pops and hisses on this atrocity that prohibit me from even playing it through on my turntable. Henceforth, I am casting it down back into the fires of Hell from whence it came.
This one is barely worth reviewing. I only feel the need to mention it because I want the world to know of its sheer horribleness.
Jesse Crawford - whoever he/she is - deserves a swift kick in the nuts (or lady parts) for making this. The only people this record is suited for are those elderly people who can't hear any more, but still feel it's their Christian duty to sit in church and listen to pipe organ music they CAN'T EVEN HEAR. For that's what this is, readers - pipe organ music. Nothing more. While playing this, occasionally there would be chimes, and my dog Watson would lose his shit, thinking people were at our front door.
Doorbells ringing over an out-of-tune pipe organ. Playing Christmas tunes. That's what this record is, folks.
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| No. |
And, judging by its sound quality (or lack thereof), I'm assuming it was recorded in a dingy church basement in some small town in the midwest, by someone's cousin (probably named Travis) who records speeches in the town's city hall.
To add insult to injury, there's an abundance of pops and hisses on this atrocity that prohibit me from even playing it through on my turntable. Henceforth, I am casting it down back into the fires of Hell from whence it came.
VERDICT: 1/10 - Ohio
- THROWN IN THE GARBAGE -
- Brian
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