Skeletor Saves the Day!

Hi gang,

Now, I don't talk a lot about politics unless there's beer on hand and I'm around like-minded individuals. Nothing polarizes the masses and spurs men to anger so much as a good ol' fashioned political 'discussion,' so I try to steer clear of the subject whenever possible. Plus, I sound like an idiot whenever I've had a few beers and try to do so.


But this needs to be talked about. Even briefly.


For far too long, 'public servants' - you know, those shady ne'er-do-wells working for the state, county, what-have-you - have been living the dream in their posh mansions up and down Easy Street. You know the type. Firefighters, police officers, county clerks, you name it. Most notably among their lot, of course, are those fat cat teachers. Those lazy, fair-weather, holiday/summer-off babysitting, riff-raff. Collecting their ballooning paychecks and their hefty benefits packages from Joe and Jane Taxpayer.

I, alas, am just such a fat cat.

And, as you all know rather well by now, I make a ton of money. A shit ton of it. I'm rolling in greenbacks, my friends, and its unfair to all of you hard-working Americans out there. Why? Because I do little more than babysit nine months a year. I earned a Master's Degree (with money I didn't have!) in order to further said babysitting career, and have separated myself - by 1300 miles, mind you - from my family in order to best dupe the unsuspecting taxpayers.

Why? 'Cause that's what we teachers do. We're big league 'a-holes.' We waste tax money, we smoke cigarettes in the classroom, we teach kids evolution, and we don't do our jobs.

Fortunately, one man - nay, one patriot - called us out for our inability to service the common good. One man realized that public teachers in the state of Florida were making far more than those employed in the private sector, and were reaping unparalleled benefits and pensions at the public's expense. One man saw that, in order to cut billions and billions from the state's operating budget, he had to first cut the throat of the problem. The throat of we fat cat teachers.

That man, dear readers, is Skeletor...


A rare man, indeed. An all-American hero! Skeletor (commonly referred to as 'Rick Scott' in the political section of your local, Florida newspaper), backed by the heroic*, well-read, real American, freedom-fighters in the Tea Party, rallied the great political geniuses of the Sunshine State legislature together and introduced a bill that would put an end to teacher tenure and free-for-all pensions.


Hooray for SB-736!


His plan would hold teachers accountable for student performance. Charles 'Mega-Tan Crist didn't have the stones to see it done, but - by thunder - Rick Scott can. Yes, FINALLY those high-earning teachers will have to put their money where their mouth is!

Those teachers will have to spur those high-poverty, low-achieving, Title I, at-risk, English-as-a-Second-Language, Learning Disabled students into achieving what the general public - the taxpayers! - knows they can. I mean seriously: how hard can it be to have a 12 year old, Spanish speaking child with ADHD, a crack-smoking foster parent, and a fourth-grade reading level write an 8th grade essay on democracy?! C'mon people - it's a no-brainer!

I, for one, think this line in the sand is long overdue. It's about time someone held we lazy, overpaid, educators accountable for all that time we're wasting in the classroom. And I personally think that Skeletor is just patriotic enough to sacrifice anything and everything to see more money go into the pockets of everyday taxpayers. After all, there's NO plausible reason why lower-middle class Floridians would elect a man who was out to put his own, corrupt special interests ahead of theirs.

Why, that's tom-foolery!

Folks, Skeletor is out to serve the people, and I think he's had nothing but the public's best interest in mind since day one. THAT's why he was elected. I mean, why else would they vote for him if that weren't the case, right?

Anyway, I think it's time that we line up behind ol' Gov. Scott and tie all these teachers - myself included - out to the ol' tree out back and put us out of our misery. We had a decent run.



In other news, I'm pursuing a career at Burger King. I figured I have valuable people skills, and I enjoy wearing a visor when the occasion calls for it.

Stay tuned.

- Brian

* er, 'patriotic.'