as shark week comes to yet another close, i'd like to look back for a moment and reiterate something that i've sworn for many, many years:i hate sharks.
any animal that could possibly kill me, i'm obviously going to have a problem with. sharks? not too fond of 'em. granted, i can stomach that underwater conveyer belt in a tube that they have at sea world, where sharks are swimming all around you. those are four foot long, bottom feeding sharks... the kind that if you looked at it the wrong way it'd turn on its tail and flee.
last time i was at sea world, i didn't catch any great whites, tigers, bulls, or hammerheads... and for good, sound reason: those things will straight up murder your ass.
i don't understand why people swim so far out into the ocean. if i knew that somewhere - somewhere - in the ocean, there were giant fish that could strike from out of nowhere and swim off with one of my appendages in its mouth, i would not go that far into the water. if i knew a man-eating shark was spotted off the coast of england, for Christ's sake, and i was splashin' about in the water at cocoa beach, FL. like a jackass, i would still not go beyond the point where i could touch the bottom with my toes.
do you know how long it takes a great white shark to get from england to cocoa beach? you don't? well i bet its not that long - sharks swim super fast, and they have lots of teeth, and they will kill you.
me? i'm staying out of ocean water that rises above my friggin' waist. screw sharks. i'll watch them annually on the discovery channel - because, as we all know, shark week is visual heroin and no one can say 'no' to shark week - but i will not give them the time of day in person. no way.
i'll stay in the kiddie pool, thank you very much.
- brian
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