The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. LX

It's time to kick some Yuletide ass, America. . .

Album Title:  Christmas with Tammy

Album Artist:  Tammy Wynette

Any of you guys remember the Transformers?  You probably do, it was a pretty big kid's show back in the early/mid-'80s:  a Saturday morning cartoon about robots from space that 'transform' into various human vehicles, like semi-trucks, fighter jets, and even cassette playing boom-boxes.  Along with G.I. Joe, Thundercats, and He-Man, it defined a generation of young boys, who collected it's action figures like they were holy relics.

I, personally, never got into Transformers as much as some of my friends did growing up - I never got into the whole 'robot/vehicle' thing, as I was more of a sword-wielding hero type, myself - but I could very much acknowledge their level of sheer awesomeness.  So could many television executives, for that matter, since in the wake of Tranformers' success in the TV, toy, and other merchandising industries, a horde of cheap, knock-offs began to invade the TV airwaves and toy aisles.

Laaaaaaaaaame.

Most notorious of these much, much lamer imposters was Hannah Barbara's Go-Bots.  The animation was shittier, the toys were lamer, and the whole thing came across as a poorly-concealed marketing ploy to sell cheap, Asian-made toys.

Kids who played with Go-Bots instead of Transformers were frowned upon in Elementary School society:  one didn't want to associate with one of those kids.

She looks like a math teacher who enjoys giving out detentions.

So why am I bringing all of this up, you may ask?  Well folks, Tammy Wynette - the country singer that's today's artist on the turntable, is the Go-Bot to Loretta Lynn's much more badass Transformer.

She basically plagiarized Loretta's country singing playbook:  she sings the same, the album sounds the same, the song choices are very similar, etc.  Only, in Tammy, you get an older, sleepier, more ho-hum Loretta.  This album is like chloroform - there's none of the former's spunk and sass to balance out all the more retrospective or quieter numbers on this album, and, as such, the whole album sounds like a woman pushing forty, falling asleep on the couch while drinking wine and watching Netflix.

You know, like my wife does.

This albums is boring, and Tammy needs to just stick with standing by her man and leave the Holiday music business to the Transformers.

Not only is Tammy a horrible Christmas album artist, she's also a bad parent:  who has new kids into their forties?  That's how you make people with Downs Syndrome , Tammy.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (A much sleepier, older, and more boring version of Loretta Lynn wants to sing you a few Christmas songs.  NEVER pick the Go-Bots over the Transformers, folks.)

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The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. XXXIX

Hi fellas.

Who's ready for more Holiday jammitude?  Let's see what we got on the ol' docket today. . .

Album Title:  Country Christmas with Loretta Lynn and Friends

Album Artist:  Loretta Lynn, Various Artists

I'm not going to lie to you folks:  I love me some old school Honky Tonk.  Don't ask me how or why, I certainly didn't grow up around that stuff - I was raised on Classic Rock and Jim Henson.  Nevertheless, I'd place old Country/Western music (50s - 70s) among my favorite genres.  Johnny Cash is one of my top-five favorite artists, and there's a score of other old country singers that I absolutely love:  Hank Williams, Roger Miller, Waylon Jennings, and even this lil' gal right here, Loretta Lynn.  

Some super shitty, '70s-era Photoshop skills on display here.  Could they really not afford to photograph Loretta standing in front of this window?

I bought this album at the Salvation Army during the same visit I bought the two previously-reviewed turds, along with about seven other Holiday records I hope to review in the coming weeks.  I read 'Loretta Lynn. . .' on the cover and said, "Hell, I know exactly what I'm getting here."  I mean, she's one of those artists who always delivers to meet your expectations.  She's like a female, country version of Chuck Berry:  you only need to say her name and you know exactly what a song by her would sound like.

And for the most part, on this album, that rationale is pretty accurate.  

Side A of this album is all Loretta, with the B Side being split up between various old country singers (more on them later.)  Right out of the gate, Loretta kicks off into her usual sassy-voiced Honky Tonk girl swagger, and the tune works.  I'm pretty sure it's an original, and it's a solid Christmas jam.  If the entire A Side of this album followed this opening track's lead, this would be a pretty decent little Christmas album.

But it doesn't.

"Away in a Manger" comes up next, and Loretta is no longer the hands-on-her-hips, "nobody takes my man" singer we all know and love.  Instead, she sings the whole song in this creepy, sloppy whisper, where she tries and vibratos but it instead comes out as a drunken warble.  Over the years I've heard Loretta, in many of her songs, putting her foot down with a drunken fool of a husband, or the like.  Here, though, it turns out Loretta is the drunk, and she sings like she's trying to sneak in through her kitchen at 3am without waking the rest of her family up.

The lack of 'quality control,' if you will, is pretty jarring.

From Our Home to Yours.  Par for the course.

Side B is a fourth-tier offering of "hey remember that one song?" -artists from the late 60s/early 70s -era of Country Music.  That one guy that had that one song that was all the rage for a couple months back in '72?  Yeah, he has a song on Side B.  So's the guy that opened for him when they toured State Fairs that summer.  I could make more jokes along these lines, but I think you get the point.

As far as good ol' Country Christmas-type albums go, this isn't bad.  But there's a hell of a lot better ones out there, and my turntable is a pretty exclusive club these days.

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent (All in all, it's not a horrible album, per se, but it had potential to be a hell of a lot better.)

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