The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CXXXVI

Do you guys love your family?  If so, how much?

Album Title:  Fanny Farmer presents The King Family Christmas Album

Album Artist:  The King Family

Another dusty relic pried from the Radio Wasteland Dollar Bin, this one stood out to Yours Truly a year or so ago (or whenever it was that I last scooped up a pile of old, Holiday vinyl for reviewing) thanks to the sheer number of people on the album cover. At first glance, you'd assume it's some kinda choir, right? Some kind of Mormon Tabernacle thing going on here, one would think. That or it's the most crowded, insane wedding cake topper I've ever seen.

But then you catch the album title - "The King Family" - and you think to yourself, "No wait, this can't be - this can't all be one, single family, right? RIGHT?' How many kids did the mom and dad have? Are cousins and siblings involved in this undertaking, or is one branch of the family and as kids have kids of their own they're just automatically drafted into active, Holiday service?

Seriously. Who has a family that big in the first place, let alone cramming all these sons of bitches into a studio somewhere in order to cut what is, I'm sure, a great piece of Holiday music.

I had to know more.

So not being at all familiar with the 'King Family,' I figured this one would be worth a spin around the ol' yuletide turntable. I can speak as someone who has a moderately-sized family - five siblings, each of which has three kids (-ish, we're the exception with two) - that putting all of us together in some 1960s recording booth and having anything remotely close to being 'music' come out would be an insurmountable task. A few of us play instruments, sure, but getting us all to work together without killing each other (or staying sober) would be a staggering undertaking, and I don't know if we'd be able to pull it off.

With that in mind, I was willing to give the King Family - who, according to the album cover's back text box, number over 50 - the benefit of the doubt. Who knows, maybe they have their shit together.

Nope.

It clearly becomes evident that, for the most part, they don't have the entire family on here crooning at all times. As crazy as it sounds when the whole clan is crammed into the studio at the same time, shouting over one another like train going off the rails, I'm almost let down they didn't lean full-tilt into this the entire time. God knows this album would have gone from 'boring' to 'terrifying,' and then perhaps this one would be worth of remembrance somewhat. But no, for the most part the family seems to play it safe and take turns with each song: a small collection of ladies sing a lot, and I assume those are the daughters (going by the jacket's backside photos), then there are dudes singing in baritone (dramatically of course, 'cause it's the 1960s), and those guys gotta either be the sons or else husbands of aforementioned daughters. 

Are these all siblings you think, or husbands and wives?

I like to think that for those poor sons of bitches who married into the King Family, this was something that was party of the marital agreement. "Yes Clark, I'll marry you, but you have to sign here on this contract agreeing to participate in any and all future Christmas albums we as Kings will be undertaking until Papa says we can be done." If the guys didn't run for the hills at the first site of that wedding clause, well hell - that's on them. They knew what they were getting themselves into.

You'll be happy to know that later on in the album, on Side B, they even release the young children from their cells and let them growl and sputter on some of the more upbeat carols. It's as unbridled and chaotic as you might expect from a dozen or so kids hopped up on sugar and finally able to stretch their legs a little. None of these little urchins can sing, obviously, but everyone knows that this is a FAMILY affair: everyone's gonna participate in this great, family fun whether they like it or not.

Anyway, this album is mixed pretty well, but the engineer tends to let the vocal soloists dominate at a higher volume than they probably should have. When there's a chorus going, the mix is pretty decent (by 1960s variety show standards, that is), but when it's only one or a handful of singers on display (for lack of better term), the engineer dials it up to assumedly let 'the stars shine.' How much of this is at the bequest of the King matriarch and her legion of mom-aged daughters, I have no idea - I'm guessing they had a say in the creative process here. 

As far as song selections go, for the most part the good people at Fanny Farmer - whoever or whatever the hell that is - had the good sense to stick to the classics. God knows the folks over at The Mike Douglas Show or The Ed Sullivan Show probably wouldn't tolerate too much of that 'original' Christmas music. According to the back jacket cover, this King Family was a well-known act back in the day that had done their due diligence on the ol' black-and-white TV circuit - they know the drill. Sticking to the whole 'variety show' playbook, they blend different songs together in little medleys or suites, never devoting an entire track to a song in its entirety. If I had to wager a guess, it's due to the fact that they wanted to squeeze as many relatives as possible on to the album without pissing anyone off. That's the sorta thing that could really ruin a family Christmas. Or future family Christmas album.

Gonna go out on a limb here and assume this is 'M. King.'

The vibe of this album plays out like a cheap version of the music used in movies like Bing Crosby's White Christmas. I noticed 'M. King' wrote many of the arrangements on to be found here, and he must have been the brains behind the operation, wheeling extended family members into the studio by forklift and arranged them in groups in front of microphones when they were needed. Still, I've heard countless Christmas albums that have used these same, boring, 50s/early 60s, 'pop culture' arrangements. Holiday music to slow dance to. And later drink yourself to death in front of a Christmas tree.

This album reminds me of the early 2010s when some indie rock bands would have like twenty people in their acts, and you'd have people on stage whose sole responsibility was like shaking some maracas or dancing or some crap like that. That used to annoy the shit out of me, and I wanted to pull these bands aside and be like, "Guys, it's totally cool to have friends on the side, not all your buddies have to be in the band at all times." I get that the King Family has a lot of members in its tree, but Jesus H. Christ folks - trim the fat here and there. Maybe Cousin Al doesn't have to be on this year's Christmas album, maybe he can just be the guy that drives all these people around in the converted, old school bus you use to drive from county fair to county fair. And hook up with fat chicks with gonorrhea working the Tilt-a-Whirl from time to time.

There are no stand alone tracks on this album that deserve special scrutiny. I really tried to find you guys something comically bad about this one to eviscerate, but damn it all if this entire album all sounds the exact same. Variety Show sleeze, predictable and boring, like we've all heard a million times before. 

Just with, you know, something like 50 f***ing' singers. So if that's your jam, folks - maybe you'll enjoy this one.

I sure as hell didn't.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (Less is more, guys.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CXXII

Hey there. Let's jump into this one and, well, just see what we can wrap our heads around . .

Album Title:  A Christmas to Remember

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Right off the bat, I should let you guys know that this was one of the more difficult albums I've had to review for the Holidays. I first spotted it at Radio Wasteland in the dusty-as-all-hell Dollar Bin, and right away I thought this was going to be a total crap-fest, considering:

No, that's not The Band - it's The Christmas Boogie Band. Huge difference.

1.)  I didn't recognize a single artist on the track listing on the back of the sleeve, which is rarely a good sign. I mean, how hard is it really to book a C- or D-List artist for a Holiday record? How many absolute train wrecks have we seen over the years featuring abysmal 'talent' in their track listings? These dudes are always clamoring for spots on Christmas compilations like this, that's pretty much all they had once their mainstream careers began to dry up. 

2.)  The cover art is. . . something. You have Santa Claus, flying across a wintery landscape, like he's been known to do - directly in front of the moon like he's in E.T. or some shit. Down below on the ground is a herd of wild horses, watching on in what I can only assume is awe at the passing spectacle. Horses are skittish animals, guys, so this probably freaked them right the f*** out. Seeing a dude repeatedly cracking a whip across the backs of their quadruped cousins (are horses and reindeer distantly related?) as THEY FLY ACROSS THE SKY, IN CLEAR DEFIANCE OF GOD'S WILL.

Clearly whoever whipped this together was high as a damn kite.

But I digress. Let's get back to the point of this whole entry here, folks - let's analyze what this thing actually sounds like. 

Dropping the needle on Side A, we're met with some upbeat Tijuana-ish, South-of-the-Border jazz. As you all well know by now, this is most definitely my jam. I sat up, took notice, and was like, 'Oh damn, we might have a surprise keeper on our hands here!'

Remember this one, gang? Colored vinyl pressing of Christmas Disco for $12?

Then, right on its heels, came something different - a full-blown, Salsoul Orchestra-ish rendition of 'Jingle Bells.' Jarring, sure, considering it was preceded by a completely different sound, but not horrible: both were upbeat, fun instrumentals that one could definitely be entertained by, and they were done well (mixing, arrangement, performance - no complaints.) 

The next track also had some disco elements to it, but featured a male singer delivering some straight-up yacht rock vocals over the funkiness. 2015 Brian would not have cared for this in the slightest, but 2024 Brian, folks, is all here for the Yacht Rock.

I was hoping the trend would continue as Side A progressed, but the ol' bucket of ice water was dashed in my face pretty fast when the next track kicked off. A polka number. Heavy on the organ, no accordion to be found, so that it comes across more as a carnival ride soundtrack than an actual Polish take on Christmas. Definitely cringy, but all of these songs clock in under the 2-minute mark, so I was willing to take a point off and continue on my merry way. Fortunately, the next song is a return to Yacht Rock/Disco territory, which, while not my favorite sort of yuletide genre in the slightest, was at least following a discernible trend.

Magnum P.I. and Slenderman enjoy a sleigh ride on a magical winter's night. 

The last track on Side A, while not horrible, was a country/western instrumental done all on a quartet of guitars. And though out of place here (though the 'place,' by this point in time, is starting to get hard to keep track of), it was a decent little track. No, where everything falls of the rails in major fashion is upon flipping the record over on to Side B. . .

It's a piano-led orchestral number. Slow, serene, and it doesn't sound anything like Christmas music. It's like they pressed two different mini-albums onto one frickin' record. No more upbeat, fun music. No more Tijuana jazz, no more disco, no more yacht rock. Now it's time for introspection.

I had a bad feeling that this album was themed (I've reviewed albums in the past that were released like this), with one side the 'upbeat' Christmas music - the fun carols, etc. - and the other side the 'serious' Christmas music (you know, the 'Reason for the Season' and all that crap.)  

I hate it when albums do this.

Well, they definitely weren't kidding with the 'all the different ways you feel' crap.

My fears were well-founded, as it turns out. The next couple tracks were all filled with the usual, boring church bullshit: lots of organ, lots of hand bells, chimes, harpsichords, harmonicas (courtesy of a group called The Harmonicats - seriously, I guess that's a thing that exists), and - of course - swelling string sections. It was bad enough just as mere instrumental tracks, but by the third or fourth song in, they start rolling out the usual, overly-brash male vocals - because belting out religious carols makes it hit harder, I guess - and the standard, old-lady-warbling that you generally hear at a church service you're dragged to during the Holiday Season.

This whole album sounds like some mid-level record company executive asked his sound engineers what masters were lying around the label's studio that hadn't been previously released on prior Holiday compilations. The poor sound dudes, sighing deeply and shaking their heads, came out with a dusty cardboard box filled with a 13 reels of various songs (from all kinds of frickin' genres.) They informed this douchey superior of theirs that these reels were all that was left, but they were from various sessions over the years and there wasn't any continuity to speak of.

Then the executive, in his infinite wisdom, said 'screw it' and told them to mix them all up and have the shit pressed for release.

If it were possible to rate each side separately, I'd probably rate Side A a 6.5 (not that we condone the '0.5' system around here) and Side B a 4. But, because we are a society with f***ing rules, I can't do that, and as such, will be slapping one, big rating on the entire album as a whole.  And I'm not happy about it. At all.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh  (Almost good, but damn - this album does to 'compilations' what Michael Bay did to Transformers. It's so random that I want to prescribe it ADHD meds and get it in to therapy.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian