The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CXXXII

Kenny Rogers should've known when to fold 'em on this one. . .

Album Title:  Christmas:

Album Artist:  Kenny Rogers

If you came here expecting an album that sounds like 'The Gambler,' but instead of a guy dying on a train it's, you know, Christmas, then I have some really bad news for you, folks.

This isn't a country Christmas album in the slightest. If you didn't know Kenny Rogers' discography you'd be forgiven for not identifying him as a celebrated country star, based on this release. While there are a couple songs that hint at 'country' more than your typical Christmas album - 'Kentucky Homemade Christmas,' namely - this feels too corporate for authenticity. Like when you see a millionaire from the city wearing cowboy boots because they happen to be vacationing somewhere trendy out west.

' The f*** outta here with that crap, poser.

'Corporate' is a good word for this album, to tell you the truth - the whole thing just smacks of having money thrown at it. The production and mixing of this album is top-notch, which isn't surprising considering Kenny Rogers was a pretty big deal back in the day. This album was released in 1980 - the year I was born - at the height of that late '70s to mid-80's era when music was super polished and pain-stakingly produced (see: Yacht Rock) 

I 100% believe that every, last studio musician who performed on this album was wearing a ponytail.

They have full string sections on many of these songs, which are all arranged competently and, in most cases, are familiar Holiday songs. That's a check in the 'assets' column for Kenny, because a lot of these Holiday albums done by contemporary singers load the track lists with bullshit no one's ever heard of (or wants to hear.) While there are a few originals on here, they're 'meh' as far as Christmas songs go, there's nothing on this album that's too painful to listen to.

So having powered through both sides of this LP, this music gives serious '1980s Department Store' vibes. I've mentioned this before on a prior post, but music like this used to be used during the Holidays by chain stores because there's a science to playing music in stores (I know this because I majored in Advertising and Marketing in college.) If the music is too fast, people will move faster through the store and feel 'rushed.' If it's too slow, people will get bored and not feel motivated enough to shop more, and may spend less money than they otherwise would. You want relaxing music, but not to the point where folks are getting catatonic. 

Kenny Rogers' Christmas album fits the bill. It's sappy orchestral music, which doesn't try to hide it's attempts at tugging at one's heart strings with the repeated string swells, track after track, probably crackled across department store speakers throughout the country for years. And I'm sure a lot of folks loved it, too; this album would've been gobbled up by those country music fans who wanted to listen to some 'slick' Christmas music for a change. Kinda like when a lady who lives in a run-down trailer decides to use a credit card to splurge on a $600 purse so she can feel like a Kardashian. 

I'm disappointed there wasn't more country on this album, but, considering the year/era it was produced, I'm not surprised. Raw talent softens with age, money and success, and it's way easier to just let the money do the talking. I added that 'Kentucky' track on to my Christmas 4 (Country) Amazon Music playlist (the only song that's half-way decent and sounds like 'country' Kenny Rogers), but I'm totally fine with never listening to the other nine songs ever again.

I wish this would have been a Kenny Loggins Christmas album instead, that would have been cool. I love me some Yacht Rock. Does Kenny Loggins even have a Christmas album? I'd imagine he would.

I should look into this. . .

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (Early '80s corporate execs have Kenny Rogers check his 'country' persona at the door for a sappy, sleek, and ultimately boring Christmas album. It gets one pity point for a decent song on Side A, otherwise this would be a solid '4.')

- SHELVED-

- Brian