The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. CXXV

Hey, who's ready to touch [consensually] their inner, Holiday child. . .

Album Title:  Here Comes Santa Claus!

Album Artist:  Unknown

Here we got with yet another dollar bin find from Radio Wasteland; if you couldn't tell, this has been my go-to method for scrounging up cheap, shitty albums to review the last four or five Holiday Seasons. It's getting to the point where I have to make sure I don't pick any up that I've already reviewed in previous posts.  

This one, however, couldn't be passed up. Jesus H. Christ, just look at this frickin' guy. That's the most red-faced Santa Claus I've ever seen.

"Uh Oh, children - Santa's made a HUGE mistaaaake."

If he's sober in this picture, I'm an Ohioan.

He's got that 'oh shit' look in his eyes too - a look filled with shock and regret. To me, that either indicates he just did something sudden and gross in his pants and was unable to do anything about it in the heat of the moment. . . . or else that rabid, baby panda he's got cradled in his chubby mitts just bit him.

This baby panda is the thing of nightmares. It will eat your soul.

(That's the scariest baby panda I've ever seen, folks.)

Whoever previously owned this album played the holy hell out of it, I'll tell you what. Even after a run through the ol' Spin Clean record cleaning system, it's still scuffed all to hell. It'd be more believable to learn that the previous owner had used this record as a frickin' shovel than as something to be played on their turntable. The surface noise on this album is so bad I almost threw the record in the trash without reviewing it at all.

But that would have been a waste of a dollar, kids.

Anyway, shitty album art/record condition aside, the arrangements here could be best described as 'cartoon' music, gang. Accordions and xylophones  - and lots and lots of jingle bells - abound, everything's upbeat and cheerful, and it all sounds like circus music. Or the sort of thing you'd hear in a 1940's cartoon. Nothing here out of the ordinary, I guess, considering this is a children's album after all.  

Have I heard better? Sure, absolutely. Is it bad? Meh. . . 'bad' might be a stretch. 

It's not good, but, then again, I'm not one to rock out to children's music, I'm definitely not the target demographic here. That being said, I can easily think of, like, two-dozen Christmas albums that were geared towards children that had more 'child-appropriate' singers than this release. The male singer that takes the lead on most of the songs on this album sounds like a mix between Glenn Yardbrough and a stuffy, pompous banker type in an old Looney Tunes (like that Bugs Bunny would repeatedly mess with throughout the course of an old cartoon short.) Not the best vocal option for a children's album, in my opinion, but hell - what do I know?  This is a children's album, and I'm 25 years old.

There's no artist credits on this album to be found anywhere, so we'll probably never know who this sub-par vocalist is. But, taking into consideration the catalog of other record label titles advertised on the back of this album (instead of artist/band credits, 'from our house to yours' messages, etc.), I think it's safe to assume that this singer was most likely just company 'talent' that was brought into the studio for an afternoon of singing kids' Christmas songs. He probably makes appearances on the label's obligatory Country/Western albums, Polka albums, and a few of those 'Cherished Favorites' compilations of some kind, too.

. . . that, or he works in the mail room and just happened to be passing by a board room when a couple big-wigs asked him if he knew how to sing at all. Who's to know.

There's also a  female singer who takes lead vocal duty on a couple tracks (usually she just chimes in on some of the choruses here and there as a background singer.) She's a click above the male singer, as far as children's music from the 1950s goes. Gives off some strong Angela Lansbury vibes. So, you know. . . if that's your thing. . . .

Then, out of left field, just when you've been lulled into a false sense of childlike security by two, full sides of this kiddie circus album - BAM - the album producers drop a spoken word poem on your ass.

''Twas the Night Before Christmas.' Odds are you grew up reading it - or having it read to you - every Christmas Eve, it's a classic. But does it really need to be on a Holiday record? 

It certainly feels out of place, even on a bizarro Children's album like this one. To make matters worse, as the poem goes on, they start incorporating cartoon-y sound effects - window shutters opening, reindeer hooves on a roof, etc. - and background begins to swell. This, I assume, was included in order to inject some 'yuletide flare' into the famous Christmas poem. The result from the combination of this music and the guy's voice sounds like this would be far better suited for a 1950s educational film teaching children about how crayons are made in a factory. 

In conclusion, when in doubt, feel free to leave off adding poetry to one's Holiday albums.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (A really dated Children's Christmas album. Had I reviewed this baby about, oh, seventy years ago, I'd probably rate it pretty well. Unfortunately, seeing how I don't have a access to a time machine, I'm going to have to knock it down substantially instead. It's also gonna lose a point for the beyond-stupid inclusion of a poem at the end of Side B.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian