Who's ready for some Yuletide crappiness?
Album Title: Merry Christmas from
Album Artist: Lawrence Welk and his Champagne Music
Right off the bat, when I first saw this lil' gem in the dollar bin at Radio Wasteland last week, I noticed the fine print that read "and his champagne music." As if champagne music is a.) a thing, and b.) commonly associated with Lawrence Welk. Like you'd be walking your sidewalk down the street back in - I don't know when he was around, the '50s? - and he'd drive past you in his convertible blasting this signature music of his, and you'd say to your dog (because obviously if you know this much about Lawrence Welk, you're certifiably insane), "Hey Gina, there goes Lawrence Welk and his champagne music. . ."
Makes sense, right?
Not sure how 'champagne' sounded in the '50s, guys. . . but I wouldn't have expected it to sound like this.
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| This is the ugliest Christmas Tree I've ever seen. |
Nope. This, to me, sounds like kid-friendly, '50s-mainstream Disney music; watered down, rated G, and appropriate for listeners of all ages. Like, remember that Disney live-action movie, Parent Trap? Imagine that they made a sequel to that movie, and it was Christmas-themed (like, if the kids have to get their parents to re-divorce over the Holidays or something, I don't know.) Well, the soundtrack to that train-wreck of a movie premise would sound like this.
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| . . . what do you think he has in the box? |
I don't know much about this Lawrence Welk guy, but the way these songs are listed, I'm assuming he's some kinda song arranger, not necessarily a musician or singer. On a few of these numbers, he has vocals credited to other people, who must've been hired to sing over some of his numbers.
There are several singers on this collection, but the most prominent are some group known as The Sparklers, who must have landed on their group name because they're the vocal equivalent to actual sparklers. Which, as we all know, are the lamest form of fireworks in existence - at the bottom-of-the-barrel on the Fourth of July Fun scale.
The Sparklers sound like a squeaky-clean ensemble that was first spotted singing in their church youth group, and their pastor told them that singing on a Lawrence Welk album was their big ticket to stardom. Being a bunch of naive virgin idiots - I guarantee you every, last one of The Sparklers is a virgin - they pounced at the opportunity. The same could probably be said for the Lennon Sisters, another vocal group hired to sing on this album, who sound like they're a couple of ten-year-olds.
Anyway, I could go in more detail here, buuuuuut. . . there's no point. This is the most unoffensive, child-friendly, G-rate Christmas album that I've heard in a long, long time, and it all sounds the same. To the point where you're not sure where one song ends and another song begins. . . like being stuck on the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland, only it's Christmas-themed and instead of little, stereotyped doll-things from around the world you have choirs made up of either church-virgins or little girls, all with smiles on their faces so wide you'd think they were frozen in place with Botox.
VERDICT: 4/10 - Borophyll (Like being stuck on a Disneyland ride for too long, this album's G-rated nonsense will grind its way into your skull. And the only way to get rid of it is by driving it out with a bullet.)
- SHELVED -
- Brian
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