The Great Christmas Record Odyssey, Ep. LXXX

Hey Internet, who's feeling randy this evening? 

Album Title:  Christmas in Velvet

Album Artist:  Derric Johnson and Re'Generation

Just. . . just take a look at this album cover and tell me what your first thoughts are:

Now, maybe I'm way out in left field with this, but, to me, when I read something like Christmas in Velvet, my mind goes to horrible, horrible places.  Like, watching Showtime or Cinemax at 3am places.  The very word 'velvet' anymore only conjurs up one of two different images:  a.) 'luxury,' at least according to elderly people, or b.) tacky pornography.

Christmas in Velvet takes it one step further and decks out the album art in red - the same hue of red as a hooker's boots, or the stained-up carpeting in the back room of a peep show.  I guess 'blue' or 'green' velvet wouldn't have reached the level of 'Yule' the good folks at Impact Records, so they relied on the good ol' 'sex sells' angle.

(This was made in 7th Grade Woodshop.)

Nevermind that there's a Nativity scene on the front of the album, though.  A Nativity that looks like it was carved from a single chunk of wood by either a 3rd Century A.D. Celtic priest or a special-needs, alternative ed student.

Album artwork aside, this album is. . . well, just f***ing awful.

This offering is from Derric Johnson's vocal orchestra, cleverly (pfft) named - get this - Re'Generation.  What the hell does that hyphen in there every mean?  I teach History, not English, so my grammar is admittedly rusty, but I'm pretty sure this is just grammatical foolishness on display, here.

The back of the record references this Derric guy's family, and then there's a reference to his Re'Generation 'family.'  Soooo I'm not sure if all the folks that are singing on this album are members of his family (a la Partridge Family), or else they're just other singers and he affectionately refer to them as 'family.'  Honestly, I'm not sure which is worse:  having a family of human beings legitimately sound like this, or convincing others to willingly participate on an album that sounds like this.

This does not sound anything like a traditional choir.  For all the times over the years of analyzing Christmas vinyl where I've made fun of church-ish sounding choirs, or choirs of children singing, or whatever. . . I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry.

Because this is so much worse.

Re'Generation sounds like they booked gigs at Sea World in the late '70s, and also provided the ooooohs and aaaaahs for low-budget, '70s Sci-Fi movies.  I'm one or two of these folks could be considered 'singers,' but the way these assholes are all thrown together is just random.  Who in the actual f*** arranged this album?  Was this Derric?  

Just look at all these treasured favorites. . . .

90% of the time, this album does not sounds Christmas-y in the slightest:  had this album been sung in a foreign language, so I couldn't ascertain the lyrics, most of the time I wouldn't guess this was a Christmas album.  It's part World Music, part Brady Bunch singing, part contemplating-old-Irishman-staring-across-the-moors-thinking-about-his-struggles, two parts battling banshee sopranos, three parts bass vocalists trying to out-boom each other, and four parts community theater musical.  

Folks, this is so bad I kinda wish this would have been the soundtrack to a Nativity-themed, softcore Cinemax movie instead.  At least then the f***ing title would make sense. . .

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV (Not even the subliminal promises of hooker sex, and the family affair collaboration of Re'Generation can save this straight-up dumpster-fire of a choir.  It gets one, lousy pity point for the shitty album artwork that gave me a chuckle when I picked it up in the thrift store.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian